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  • Tales of the Hybrid Trouser Mouse with Optional DVD Navigation System.

    May 8, 2008

    I’d just like to throw out there that picking a new car with your spouse is much like trying to pick out a new pen!s.

    He wants power with lots of get up and go, I want comfort and reliability. Cost is obviously a concern. But so is performance. You want it to last a long time without much maintenance but not be so flashy with the bells and whistles that it stands out in crowd. But then again you don’t want what every other Tom, Dick and Harry is driving around. It needs to be fuel efficient or you’ll never really enjoy using it in today’s economy. Size is important, you obviously don’t want some little dinghy thing doing your everyday bidness but you also don’t want something so big that it becomes in hindrance. (Parking in tight spaces, hello?) Preferably a color you both like with soft supple leather to cradle your body when on long road trips. It obviously has to be practical or people will start thinking you’re compensating for something. And don’t forget the whole used vs. new debate. Do you really want one someone else has probably clipped their toenails in and took for a ride around the village a few dozen times with who knows what riding shotgun? Think of the things that could be hiding under the hood of those with “experience.” *shiver*

    At the same time his is just a few drives away from dying. Can’t take too long to decide because mama needs daddy to have a good reliable “family wagon” or her whole day is thrown off.

    Don’t even get me started on the convenience of push button start, DVD navigation and dual climate control.

    Can you just imagine?

    Down and dirty with the back fat.

    May 5, 2008

    You know what body of mine? We need to talk. I know I told the people at the DMV you weigh 125 lbs. and that it’s a wee bit of a fabrication. But you know one of my New Year’s resolutions is to get down to the weight on our driver’s license if even for a day. You know how I hate to lie.

    Is that why you’re so angry at me?

    I had such grand plans for starting anew after my 26th birthday. You know the whole “spring has sprung” “spring cleaning clean sweep” garbage? I was going to take really good care of us. I was going to feed us really well, take you to the gym, firm you up a little. I know, I know, I’ve been a total slacker since Florida. But you’re the one that let some virus bacteria bug of death take residence. You could have said no! Don’t come in! We don’t want to be sick! But did you? No! You invited that bugger right in to plop down in the Barca lounger that is my lymphatic system and watch the remainder of the NBA playoffs with a non alcoholic beer in one hand and massive amounts of phlegm in the other.

    C’mon body, you know I hate basketball.

    And don’t try to make me like you with that whole “But with all the coughing you’re doing you’re developing killer abs!” bit. I see right through it. And this whole losing our appetite and even if we get one we couldn’t use it because it hurts to swallow anything more than water and a handful of pills? Stupid. That’s right, I said stupid. Couldn’t you have picked a better time to have gotten sick? Like when Cody’s around for longer than four hours in the middle of the night or when the weather outside is sucky or when I’ve just gone to the grocery store? Even better! How about next time you get sick you plan a time when there’s ugly doctors at the hospital? Huh? Is that too much to ask?

    Seriously, I thought I was going to die when Dr. Hot touched my ankle to see if my fever had gone down. Do you really need to reproduce our leg hair that quickly and in such great multitudes? I tell you, it’s completely unnecessary!

    I’ll tell you what body. When we get better I am going to show you who’s boss. I am going to feed you so much broccoli and whole grains you’re not even going to have time to crave cupcakes and Skittles. I’m going to drag your flabby rear to the gym so often you’re going to be begging for mercy. Oh, don’t think I won’t do it? Oh I will. Just you watch.

    What? You want a tan like all of your other body friends?

    NO!

    I won’t even let our skin see the light of day without a minimum of SPF 50. And that big goofy hat I wore today? You know the one everyone made fun of? The one that has its own planetary orbit? Get used to it body. Because our head is going to be wearing it all summer. Oh you’ll thank me later young lady. When all of your other body friends are big wrinkled leather bags with skin cancer you’ll be singing my praises. And the praises of my big goofy hat.

    Oh yes you will, don’t give me any of that. Shape up body. We’re in this together, and if you want to go wearing that red swimsuit we just got to the pool this summer you’d better start listening to me.

    Hey! Don’t turn your back on me! I’m talking to you! Hello?

    8.5 Tablespoons of love.

    May 4, 2008

    Want to see what I can to with a pound of butter and two pounds of sugar?

    IMG_4816

    Sure you do. Linoleum Dynamite has all the answers.

    *hint* They’d be perfect to make for Mrs. Fussypants week long SURPRISE virtual shower going on over at Blissfully Domestic. (Though it will really only be a surprise for a few moments today.) Be sure to wish her all sorts of luck on Baby Boy #5 over at her shower page.

    blissfully domestic baby shower

    Want to see what I can do with my political prowess *snort*?

    Sure you do. MOMocrats has a guest post by me, go read it.

    It’s almost as good as my cupcakes.