moosh in indy.

From the moment I learned what a peony was it became my favorite flower.

I have tried to grow them for four years now, I’ve tried different dirt, different locations and different bulbs.

Nothing.

Driving home today I saw dozens of peony bushes drooping and bending under the weight of their huge showy blooms after the rain.

I’ve decided that peonies aren’t really my favorite flower anymore, they’re difficult and they give up too  easily.

Sure they’re pretty, but should looks really outweigh simplicity and ease? I don’t think so.

I’m now considering the petunia as my favorite, they’re the one flower I can keep alive on a consistent basis. Hardy little blooms, petunias are.

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Vivi lost her damn mind in the produce section today. I was in too deep and too close to being done to abandon everything and walk out.

I think I had high blood pressure for the first time in my life this afternoon.

Vivi insisted on being held as we walked out, but here’s the thing, one cannot hold at sobbing toddler in one arm and navigate a very full shopping cart with the other arm.

I tried, it’s not possible.

Which led me to pushing the cart with both hands while Vivi sobbed in the seat.

I really wish someone would have offered to help, I probably could have asked for it, I probably should have asked for it. But I didn’t.

Remember when baggers used to push your cart out to your car for you? I really could have used that today.

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When Addie and I were in New York I was torn on taking her to a show on Broadway. Times Square is so busy and shows are so expensive. It was super rainy on Sunday so I decided a matinee would be an awfully good idea.

Discount tickets to Newsies were available at TKTS, but the line was long and we were already soaked and exhausted from waiting in line for two hours at Carlo’s Bakery.

I decided to try the theater for full price tickets, we had already come so far and Addie had been such a trooper.

Full price tickets were sold out so we waited in line again in hopes of getting some through a cancellation, we were told our chances were slim. The good news was at least this line was indoors and we had lots of pastries from Carlo’s to keep us company.

Just before we were ready to admit defeat, a woman stopped with her daughter and asked if we were buying tickets.

“Well, I hope we can.”

“I have two extras, the people who were coming with us couldn’t make it and I would hate for them to go to waste.”

Just like that she handed over two seventh row center seats to a sold out showing of Newsies on Broadway. She refused to let me pay her and I started to weep.

Her oldest son was just deployed with the Marines a few days earlier. Since he is with intel she won’t hear from him for seven long months.

I thanked her a thousand times for the tickets and a thousand times more for sharing her son with our country.

I dare you to tell me karma isn’t real.

Put good out there, get good back.

I drove past a church sign today that said “If God brought you to it, He will help you through it.”

I sometimes wish my church had a witty sign out front.

xx

It was over cheeseburgers and fries at the Shake Shack in Battery City on Friday night.

“Mom? What is a blog?”

Earlier in the day we visited Babble HQ and it finally clicked that I really do have a job, not just a computer addiction. All the people I talk to and work with each day through my computer were standing in front of her saying hello to her and offering her cookies. I dare say she even though my job is cool.

“It’s like a journal, I talk about what I like, what I don’t like, what I’m scared of and sometimes I post pictures I take. I tell stories about you, Vivi, dad and myself.”

“Can I have a blog?”

“Of course you can have a blog, do you want to share mine?”

“Yes! When can I start? Now?”

On the flight from JFK to IND Addie wrote her first post, she called it a theme. I don’t know how often she’ll want to write, or what she’ll write about — but here’s how it went down. I didn’t tell her what to write, how to write, nor did I help her with spelling or grammar unless she specifically asked for help. How it’s published is how she wrote it. She did ask what she should write about and since I’m selfish I said I would like to read about what goes on in her head when she meets someone new. While Addie has always been brave and bold on her own and with those she is close to, she shuts down fast and hard when it comes to meeting new people.

I will never be able to thank my friend Lindsay for suggesting I read Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. It changed the ENTIRE way I parent Addie. If you see any of Addie in your own kid I cannot stress reading this book enough.

So here it is, history in the making. The next generation of the Internet, Addie’s first blog post:

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Hi I’m Addie I just started Blogging today. So my things will be on my moms Blog page and I want to know about everything to know about Blogging. So my mom is helping me start because she is a great mom. So this post is about how scared I get when I meet new people and I get really scared because I am a kid and kids do get scared when they are little like me but when I met my moms friend Dara I looked her in the eye and said hi then I got to know her and we became friends and I love her now. And there is someone else who I met her name is Andrea but I like to call her big sissy sometimes and we met on a Disney Cruise and Andrea is my moms boss. How I get comfortable is I stay quiet and listen to them.

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Oh, this child.

Any suggestions for what Addie could write about next?

There are times I don’t know if I’m doing a good job at this parenting thing. Sometimes I just have to hold my breath, push through, believe that I am and enjoy the little moments that let me know I’m not totally screwing things up.

My mom would probably tell you she did a pretty fantastic job of raising me, which she absolutely did — but even now at 31 I could pick apart what she did that bugged me, bothered me and probably cost me a few thousand in therapy.

I sometimes wonder what I do now that will cause Addie to roll her eyes at me later. “Oh, my mother.” I can hear it already, I know it so well because I’ve said it myself.

Perhaps it’s because I had such a tumultuous relationship with my own mom that I’ve always believed my relationship with Addie is somehow doomed. For the past eight and half years I’ve just accepted that there will come a time when she hates me, wants nothing to do with me and can’t stand me. I mean, isn’t that the way all mother daughter relationships are?

Part of me holds out hope that one day she will be sitting around with her friends talking about the time her mom took her to her first Broadway show, made her try chicken feet and forced her to figure out the subway system on her own. That she will be able say I did something right that helped her discover what she is meant to do in this world. I hope she always remembers time spent as just the two of us. I hope she understands I’ve tried my best and felt terrible when I let her down or had to say no. I so desperately want to give her everything but know in the end I’m giving her more by denying her a lot.

She has grown in ways I could have never imagined over the past four days. My heart has grown three sizes and wrapped around her twice this weekend. She is so confident and sure of herself — but every once in awhile she’ll reach out and grab for me, even if it’s just for a moment.

I don’t  know how this whole raising her thing will turn out in the end. I have no idea if what I’m doing now will mess things up later, but I do know I will always be someone she can grab for to steady herself, even if it’s just for a moment.

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Remember how I said you wouldn’t like the subway?

I was wrong.

As long as no part of you is touching any part of a stranger you LOVE the subway.

You already know the difference between uptown and downtown you know that streets are shorter than avenues.

We easily walked more than 6 miles today and you never complained.

When you were tired you asked to take a break.

When you wanted to take a picture you asked if I would stop so you could.

You move out of foot traffic to tie your shoe.

You bob and weave on busy sidewalks like a lifelong pro.

People talking to themselves, trees, their fingers or the sky don’t phase you one bit.

You are easily the most fun person in the world to travel with.

You stop to listen to every street performer, I’m out of dollar bills because you’ve insisted we give one to anyone dancing, singing, or playing an instrument.

Even after walking ALL DAY, you still insist on stopping at the playground to play before we head in for bed.

Remember when I said you’d probably want to live out some part of your life here?

I was right, and I believe with every part of me you will. You fit in here, you belong here.

Today you said you wanted to take the subway home from work everyday, stop at Dylan’s Candy Bar on the way to your apartment and “get a pack of Nerds, because that’s what grownups do, they can get candy whenever they want.”

I’m tempted to give you candy whenever you want, you’re so wonderful.

Here’s to all that tomorrow has in store for us.

xo, mama

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You can follow Addie’s adventures in NYC on Instagram and twitter with #AddieInNYC.

Tomorrow I will pick you up from school under the ruse that I am taking you to the eye doctor when in reality we will be headed for New York City.

Just you and me, for the entire weekend.

I do hope it’s okay that I keep springing these surprises on you, there’s so little that impresses you anymore and given your highly curious nature it’s in the name of self preservation that I don’t tell you about trips like this lest I be bombarded with a hundred thousand questions which cause me to rethink my decision to bring you along in the first place. I have a few plans laid out for us, but most of the time is open for us to do what we do best, explore.

I didn’t go to New York until I was 24, had I known what it was like before ever meeting your dad I would have been that 18 year old kid who saves up all her money, packs every belonging she has in a bag and heads to New York with nothing more than hopes and dreams. I want that for you, I want you to know that cities like New York are real and possible places to live out your life, but I also want you to know that places like New York may be too much for you and that you always have a home with me, wherever we may end up.

I’m excited to see New York through your eyes and with you by my side. I’m excited to show you where I’ve been, what I know and learn a few new things with you.

I’ll apologize now about the Subway, I already know that isn’t going to be your favorite, but trust me when I say I will share my excellent bob and weave tactics with you as well as my hand sanitizer.

You will get to experience a side of New York many visitors don’t, we’ll be taken in by locals, guided by lifers and you’ll have a chance to see how families like ours exist in a place like Manhattan. We’ll have pizza, dim sum, hot dogs, dumplings and so many cupcakes.  We’ll go to a birthday party, maybe a Broadway show, a swanky hotel and to an everyday office. We’ll smell terrible things, we’ll see wonderful things and there will be times when we’ll both just go ‘whoa.’

You’ll also get to see Andrea, I’m not sure which one of you will be more excited about that.

I’m so happy I get to be your mom, I’m convinced there isn’t a better kid out there to hang out with. I hope you’re as excited about this (once you know about it, that is) as I am.

xx,

Mama

 

 

Things are in a sort of chaotic, yet silent uproar around these parts.

I haven’t fully unpacked my suitcase since the end of February and starting on Thursday it will be in constant motion until May 20th.

I won’t even be home for Mother’s Day, I’ll be in the second happiest place on earth with my own mama. I talked to her yesterday and she squealed “I’ve been telling everyone that my kid is taking me to Disneyworld for Mother’s Day!” I was writing her a little Mother’s Day thank you letter when I realized we are now equals. I don’t rely on her for anything and she really can’t boss me around anymore. Rather than her being the mom and me being the daughter, we can now live out our lives as friends for however long our wits and health allow us to.

While I am beyond excited to be a part of this year’s Disney Social Media Moms (and Dads) conference, I’m even more excited to share what I do best with my mom. I’ll be able to show her off to the people who know me professionally as the woman who let me live through my teen years and my colleagues will be able to get to know this crazy cool little lady I call mama. I haven’t ever written a *whole* lot about my mom because for a long time we didn’t get along so well, it’s crazy to sit here now giddy and anxious with the anticipation of spending an entire weekend with her. I couldn’t even tell you what or who changed and when, perhaps it’s just been this gradual and imperceptible acceptance and appreciation of each other and our own unique talents. I’d like to say it’s all the therapy I went to in my younger years. If it did in fact take 9 years for all that therapy to kick in, that’s a terrible ROI.

Vivi’s birthday was on Saturday. It was a good day.

Two is a much harder transition than one, one is still a baby. Two is just a very little kid with terrible communication skills.

I can’t believe how well she fits into our life. It’s as if there were a place for her all along, we just didn’t realize it was there.

Kind of like that button in your car that turns on all the overhead lights with one push, it’s so handy! Why didn’t I notice it before? My life will never be the same from here on out!

And it won’t, because once you’ve experienced my offspring your life is never really the same.

My birthday at Disneyland was everything I dreamed a birthday at Disneyland could be.

Some people thought I would be lonely.

Other people thought I was crazy.

Tracey met me early on and we both peed a little on Tower of Terror. Afterwards she took me to lunch and it was the most perfect segue into the rest of my day. I met Mr. Origami, Alexander, who just so happens to share the same birthday as me . (He guessed I was 26. Bless you Alexander.) He gave me a little purple origami box I put my ticket in when I got home. I befriended an eight year old named Wallace in a single rider line, I kind of wanted to set him up with Addie. He planned out the rest of my day for me and when I told him I was planning on eating ice cream for dinner I could tell I solidified adulthood as being awesome in Wallace’s mind.

Thanks to my birthday button I was wished ‘happy birthday’ no less than a hundred times and it never got old.

I can remember walking behind Addie on her 8th birthday aboard the Disney Magic, every crew member who saw her wished her a “Happy Birthday, Princess!” in their native language. I could see her stand a little taller every time they did. One of the things I love most about that kid is her inability to mask emotion, turns out I may be where she got it from.

It’s official. Disney can become even more magical when combined with your birthday.

Can’t see the video? Click here.

Thanks for the memories Disneyland, you’re simply the best.

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(Entire video shot with my Samsung Galaxy camera, I’m so in love with this thing it’s crazy. Not sponsored.)

It’s April 28th which means it’s my birthday.

Only the very best day of the year for yours truly.

I spent last night at the Radio Disney Music Awards as a Minnie Messenger surrounded by screaming Mahomies, Beliebers, Directioners, Simpsonizers and Selenators.

We all went a little crazy.

 

At the end, enough confetti was dropped on my head I began to worry about being buried alive in it, but if there’s one thing I can always count on Disney for, it’s confetti and fireworks.

Today will be spent at Disneyland, the happiest place on Earth and the place where my heart snuggles in and sings sweet songs of joy, love, and happiness until it’s time to bid adieu.

It’s a tradition around these parts that you wonderful people make a comment cake for my birthday, layers upon layers of wonderful comments that I can read as I wait in line for Space Mountain, Small World and Dumbo this afternoon.

In years past I’ve asked for the best parts of your day/week. This time around I’m going to ask something a little different (unless of course you had an amazing moment, then I selfishly want to know that as well.) This year I want to know: What is the nicest thing you’ve ever done for someone else? Go ahead, brag about it. This is no time for humility, you’re a wonderful person, go ahead and acknowledge it and make my day. Maybe you’ll even inspire others to commit random acts of kindness as well.

Ready?

Go!