Winter 2004, pregnant, four weeks into bedrest with four weeks to go. Cody worked graveyards which left me alone in our 300 square foot apartment with two enormous cats who liked to play tag with each other.

On my head.

While I was trying to sleep.

On this particular night I had shut the door to keep the cats out only to realize at 3 am that the doorknob didn’t work. Anyone who’s been very pregnant knows why a very pregnant woman needs to get out of her room at 3 am. In case you don’t, it has something to do with a giant fetus holding an amniotic kegger on a bladder the size of a rabbit’s foot.

Doing a very pregnant pee pee dance I weighed my options.

A. Hang my butt out a second story window and hope there’s no breeze.

B. Lay out about a dozen newborn diapers and aim.

C. Take off the doorknob off with the screwdriver that just happened to be sitting on my nightstand. (Sound familiar?)

D. Pee in my puke bucket. (You know, the bucket that went EVERYWHERE with me since I was an unpredictable vomit geyser through all stages of my pregnancy?)

I decided to go for choice C. The screwdriver. Didn’t go so well considering the doorknob just fell out when I tried, leaving the latch firmly engaged in the door.

Let’s recap. Very pregnant needing to pee woman locked in a room all alone with no doorknob (and no phone, of course) at 3 am.

I went to option D. I decided to pee in the bucket, then work on the lock, clean out the bucket and no one would ever have to know that I peed in my bedroom on a bucket. BRILLIANT RIGHT? And it was, except for the fact that once my bladder was relieved I really had no desire to do anything more than go back to sleep. So I covered the bucket with a bag, shoved it in the corner and did just that. Plus the logistics of balancing a very pregnant behind on a little mop bucket are pretty exhausting even if the doorknob hadn’t been involved.

Cody busted in around 8 am, “I’ll bet YOU have to PEE!”

“Already did, watch out for the bucket. Damn cats. G’night.”

Comments

  1. HAHAHAHA!

    I would have never made it into the bucket. Pregnancy and balance just aren’t things that really went together for me. I salute your agility and ingenuity.

  2. It may be just mine, but there is a TON of blank white space above your texts entries. I have to scroll down a lot to see the beginning of your blog when I’m viewing just one entry at a time. I’m using Google Reader so it may have something to do with that. I stumbled upon your blog from a friend of a friend’s blog by the way!

  3. bwahaha! Nice. When it is THAT TIME and I’m doing the pee pee dance, no way would I have tried the screwdriver first..the bucket would have been the way to go for sure. I, sadly, peed my pants the first month my husband and I were dating. Maybe I’ll blog about it..and then you can say “well, at least I was pregnant and I didn’t pee my pants like Elizabeth!” :p

  4. hehe

    i just love that once you peed all initiative was lost to the cause. so me, so pregnant, so understandable. thanks for sharing my life that really isn’t my life!

  5. Not having to pee every milisecond is one of the greatest things about not being pregnant anymore.

  6. Ha! The bucket would have been my 1st choice in that same situation. But then, maybe I read too many old classics where they use chamber pots..

  7. Baaahaaa! I’m laughing *with* you, not *at* you. This so sounds like something that would happen to me….

    (Oh & a diaper does work in a pinch. Don’t ask me how I know.)

  8. Well done, you!

  9. Still laughing…

    With my luck, I would have gotten up yet again, needing to pee, and STEPPED in the bucket.

  10. you’re a thinker aren’t ya? quick on your feet….i’m impressed!

  11. I thought you were going to say that one of the cats knocked over the pee. That would have been a horrible way to end that hilarious little story.

  12. I remember this story…hahahaha!

  13. A gals gotta do what a ga;s gotta do.

  14. My friend had a little boy who used to pee in his Lego bucket at night… and then once down the heating vent. She thought he was going through a stage, I thought he needed psychiatric help.

  15. HAHAHAH! Too funny!!!

    3 am was my pee time, too.

    All I can say is: Good thing you had the bucket.

  16. Oh the things to look forward to. Luckily I have my own bathroom in my bedroom. Actually I guess the peeing has already started. Last Sunday, Tim & I driving home from a weekend in B.C., 10:30pm, 8 weeks pregnant, I’m feeling sick, didn’t have a puke bucket (rookie mistake), caught the puke in my hands, made Tim pull to the side of the road, puked on my bare feet, and continued to puke so hard that I peed. Yep, it’s true. I puked and peed on the side of the road. Oh I love being pregnant!

  17. Wait, you have to be pregnant to do this? Oh…. yeah…. uhhhh.

  18. Ahahaha!!! Sounds like something I would have done! Fortunately, all of my doorknobs worked.

  19. I wouldn’t know anything about removing doorknobs but leaving the latch firmly engaged. snort

    You are the master of creative alternatives!

  20. Good for you for correctly aiming into the bucket! I have a feeling if I had tried that, it would have gone all wrong…

    Found you through Jenn’s Bucolic Scribblings; looking forward to reading more!

  21. Ha, you had some serious talent.

    So you’re a bedrest vet too. 4 months total for me. How about you ?

  22. Seriously, this is a very funny story. Good thing the bucket was there …

  23. Absolutely hilarious!