Winter 2004, pregnant, four weeks into bedrest with four weeks to go. Cody worked graveyards which left me alone in our 300 square foot apartment with two enormous cats who liked to play tag with each other.
On my head.
While I was trying to sleep.
On this particular night I had shut the door to keep the cats out only to realize at 3 am that the doorknob didn’t work. Anyone who’s been very pregnant knows why a very pregnant woman needs to get out of her room at 3 am. In case you don’t, it has something to do with a giant fetus holding an amniotic kegger on a bladder the size of a rabbit’s foot.
Doing a very pregnant pee pee dance I weighed my options.
A. Hang my butt out a second story window and hope there’s no breeze.
B. Lay out about a dozen newborn diapers and aim.
C. Take off the doorknob off with the screwdriver that just happened to be sitting on my nightstand. (Sound familiar?)
D. Pee in my puke bucket. (You know, the bucket that went EVERYWHERE with me since I was an unpredictable vomit geyser through all stages of my pregnancy?)
I decided to go for choice C. The screwdriver. Didn’t go so well considering the doorknob just fell out when I tried, leaving the latch firmly engaged in the door.
Let’s recap. Very pregnant needing to pee woman locked in a room all alone with no doorknob (and no phone, of course) at 3 am.
I went to option D. I decided to pee in the bucket, then work on the lock, clean out the bucket and no one would ever have to know that I peed in my bedroom on a bucket. BRILLIANT RIGHT? And it was, except for the fact that once my bladder was relieved I really had no desire to do anything more than go back to sleep. So I covered the bucket with a bag, shoved it in the corner and did just that. Plus the logistics of balancing a very pregnant behind on a little mop bucket are pretty exhausting even if the doorknob hadn’t been involved.
Cody busted in around 8 am, “I’ll bet YOU have to PEE!”
“Already did, watch out for the bucket. Damn cats. G’night.”