My lady parts have always been a rebellious sort. From ridiculously long periods, to non existent periods to cervical cancer biopsies at 18 years old to polycystic ovarian syndrome a few years later it’s easy enough to say that mine don’t make the A-list for uterine function. I have never been on birth control for longer than a month at a time because (according to Cody) it makes me bat-crap crazy. From the moment we got married we never really prevented pregnancy, with the whole cervical issue I was told I’d be lucky to get pregnant in the first place let alone make it to term. the moosh didn’t come about easily. the moosh was a result of hormone treatments, biweekly checkups and very scheduled military type lovin’ that went on for months. the moosh was not a happy accident, she was a lot of work and a lot of major disappointments until that fateful day in April 2004 when I started vomiting my esophagus out through my nose.

My lady bits still give me trouble to this day, I had a second degree tear in both directions (meaning up and down, side to side) and the scar tissue still causes me issues that require sweet sweet drugs on a monthly basis. Everything in there has done it’s job, carried my baby, fed my baby, birthed my baby. She is a shining example of the way babies are supposed to come out. But now that she’s getting closer and closer to three my mind wanders back closer and closer to the difficulty I went through to get her here. I’d love to be able to put all my faith in God to have Cody knock me up when we’re good and ready for it. But who’s ever really ready? I haven’t been on any sort of birth control since the moosh was born. Maybe it’s just not our time yet. But maybe it will never be our time again?

I don’t know how to get out into words the conflicting feelings I have about my fertility. All I know is I’m torn. Grateful yet angry. Hopeful yet betrayed.

It’s been in the back of my mind for years, and I obviously still don’t know how or what to feel. But now you know I don’t know.

For now that will have to be enough.

Comments

  1. Funny, I was just going to ask you the dreaded “are you having another one soon” question, the other day. I really have to remember that that’s a touchy question for some people. I hope you figure it all out and your lady bits cooperate. :)

  2. It’s such a hard thing. Whatever happens, I wish you and your family eternal love and happiness.

  3. Whoaman! I hear you on this one. Probably why I have gained 10 pound in the past three months. Prayers are with you…hang in there Casey lady bits…hopefully it’ll happen soon!

  4. Well then, I have one thing to say. Praise the Lord for the Moosh!

    Okay, two things … torn girlie bits suck. I’ve done that. On my second I ripped forward and backwards. OUCH.

  5. bat-crap crazy…I like that term.

    I would have added “on a stick” to that one, but that’s just me.

    I’m a fellow blogger chick and your blog appeared on my stats this AM so I thought I’d come by and say HOW-DEE!

  6. OUCHIE! I tore like a mad-woman too…and my lady-bits remember that pain.

    Sorry you had so much trouble…and still are. I’ll pray for your conception of Moosh 2. I’m still trying to convince my husband to GO for round 2…

  7. Thank you for posting this! The more PCOS-but still conceived stories I hear the better.

  8. “But who’s ever really ready?”

    Exactly.

    The pill made be nutso, too.

  9. I’ve never been normal either…ever. even on the pill my cycles are nutso. Good luck on whatever you decide. My first son was so much work, and months and months of shots in my ass (we went through IVF) they also told me I’d never get preggers..but I did. Twice.

    Good luck and I hope your lady bits cooperate with whatever you decide.

  10. My cycles were pretty darn good on the pill, but now that I’m on a certain anti-seizure med (Lamictal) the pill won’t work.

    Thank goodness my sex life is a bit more manageable and more contraceptive choices are available in this big ol’ world.

  11. Oy. It’s such a slippery slope, isn’t it? I’m in a bit of the same pickle. And I guess I have to believe that none of know what the hell we’re doing with the babies, we’re all just winging it. Right?
    We know we want another baby and I can’t wait to be pregnant again. However, there’s a small matter of both my husband and I being out of work. And, my thyroid’s been uncontrolled since delivering our son 16 months ago. And I’m on birth control, which also makes me bat-crap crazy. So I’m afraid if I stop my pill, I’ll be wasting a good egg (which, in spite of crippling endometriosis, is how we conceived Henry) or risking miscarriage due to the thyroid imbalance.
    Anyhoo: I need to get my mojo back in the first place before the babymaking commences.

  12. If it’s not one thing it’s another eh? Why is it that the whole baby thing is so complicated?

  13. Oooh. I’m sorry about your lady-bits. At least the trying part (militaryily scheduled, or otherwise) is fun. I’m pretty sure we conceived Munchkin after a romp prompted by a fight about ‘if we want to be pregnant, you actually have to have sex with me, wah-wah.’ Romantic …

  14. Well I send you my love…

  15. I think the inner conflict you describe is totally understandable.

    I’m betting at some point you’ll arrive at a decision that feels “right” — or, perhaps, the decision will be made for you!

    *hugs*

  16. I wish I had some great advice that would give you more hope and relaxation, but I don’t. *hugs*

    I cant tell you that I know 3 women that had suffered with secondary infertility and with three years of trying to conceive again, ALL three have had beautiful healthy babies.

    There’s ALWAYS a chance.

  17. Yes, I wanted it to be the “perfect” time when we started trying to conceive too. But of course as many others have said that just doesn’t exist. The timing was good but then I wound up having problems with my cervix and preterm labor and had 4 mos of bedrest 2 of which were spent in the hospital. So you just never know as you said.
    But I definitely hope for good luck for you when you feel you are ready!

  18. I didn’t know of your girly bit troubles…although I know all too well about being bat-crap crazy on the BC.

    I hope that what you want to happen happens.

  19. Ooh, yes. I hear you. We had such a hard time getting the first. And you’re right that you’re never really ready. Luckily, we had an “accident” that we never thought could happen and he’s 19 months old now. The decision was taken out of our hands or who knows if #2 would ever have happened.

    I love the phrase “bat-crap crazy.” I will now steal it & use it regularly!

  20. jeepers girl. and no, i’m not quoting scooby doo… here’s a (((hug))) not that it makes things better.

    i’ve helped a few people get things on track (and have babies) using natural stuff. i don’t make any promises, and i’m sure you’ve already been through the wringer, but if you wanna chat about it (or anything else…) i’m here!

  21. You just make me want to hug you. I just went off the pill because of the whole bat crap crazy thing so I understand you there. Ooh, do I.

  22. Sorry I keep missing your calls! Love you and miss you!

  23. I’m so glad to read you and some of the commenters saying that you had to go off of the pill because of the bat crap crazy thing.

    I had the same problem and people look at me like I am making it up when I tell them that.

    Good luck with your fertility issues. I know that can’t be an easy situation.

  24. You’ll know when you know, and nothing anyone else says will make this decision for you. It’s a tough one, given your history, but you’ll figure it out.

  25. And I wish you much luck and peace and joy, my little mooshter.

  26. There is a book:
    “Taking Charge of Your Fertility.” You can get it off of Amazon. I learned things about my lovely lady parts that I neva eva knew! I recommend it to you-I use it to keep me from getting pregnant, I bet it helps you to achieve this thing called “havin’ babies!”

  27. Hmm. I don’t know that I thought the military stylelovin was all that fun. It became a job. Especially after 2 years! My dh looked at me one night and said I feel like a machine. We both just laughed our asses off. We figured it was out of our hands. Thank goodness we do have two beautiful twin (adopted)daughters now, but I still have issues with my woman parts not working. I’ve had problems very much like yours and at about the same age. I have never viewed the Gyno as my friend. Never good news for me. I’m giving you a big hug, cuz I know how you must be feeling…. Rony

  28. Look at all this support, I love it!!

    As you know, God is in control of everything. Who knows, maybe there’s a little bundle of joy waiting out there in adoption land, or a little star in heaven that is getting ready to be part of your family. Or, maybe one is good. So good. :-)

    I think that it’s just the not knowing that becomes so difficult.

  29. I hear ya on the PCOS! Chloe is a clomid baby. We tried for a little over a year for her! It sucked going through all those negative pregnancy tests before getting the positive. We were so used to getting the negative that we didn’t really believe the test when it finally said we were positive! Who knew it could be so hard getting pregnant!

    You are such a great mom! Just one look at the moosh says it all! She’s adorable! I’m proud to say that I’m related!

    You’re in my prayers hun! God hears your prayers and knows your heart! It’s just hard sometimes waiting to find out what he has in store for us. I love you! It will all work out- Damn lady parts!

  30. I wish I had some fantastic advice or at least some quotable words of wisdom.

    *hugs*

  31. *big hugs*

    That was a very touching post.

    I hope things work out perfect for you whatever should happen..

  32. I agree – God has a plan. I always thought my plan involved no children and a career involving really hot shoes and power lunches. Now look at me.

  33. (hugs)
    I wish I had something better to say…

  34. I feel for you girl. I didn’t get married until I was 35, so I was in a big hurry but no such luck. After much testing and consideration we went the Clomid route and ended up with Julia. Then, much to my surprise I was pregnant 9 months later with no drugs. All it took was an out of town trip and a hotel room! The decision was out of my hands for number two, who I could not live without. Good luck!

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