My lady parts have always been a rebellious sort. From ridiculously long periods, to non existent periods to cervical cancer biopsies at 18 years old to polycystic ovarian syndrome a few years later it’s easy enough to say that mine don’t make the A-list for uterine function. I have never been on birth control for longer than a month at a time because (according to Cody) it makes me bat-crap crazy. From the moment we got married we never really prevented pregnancy, with the whole cervical issue I was told I’d be lucky to get pregnant in the first place let alone make it to term. the moosh didn’t come about easily. the moosh was a result of hormone treatments, biweekly checkups and very scheduled military type lovin’ that went on for months. the moosh was not a happy accident, she was a lot of work and a lot of major disappointments until that fateful day in April 2004 when I started vomiting my esophagus out through my nose.
My lady bits still give me trouble to this day, I had a second degree tear in both directions (meaning up and down, side to side) and the scar tissue still causes me issues that require sweet sweet drugs on a monthly basis. Everything in there has done it’s job, carried my baby, fed my baby, birthed my baby. She is a shining example of the way babies are supposed to come out. But now that she’s getting closer and closer to three my mind wanders back closer and closer to the difficulty I went through to get her here. I’d love to be able to put all my faith in God to have Cody knock me up when we’re good and ready for it. But who’s ever really ready? I haven’t been on any sort of birth control since the moosh was born. Maybe it’s just not our time yet. But maybe it will never be our time again?
I don’t know how to get out into words the conflicting feelings I have about my fertility. All I know is I’m torn. Grateful yet angry. Hopeful yet betrayed.
It’s been in the back of my mind for years, and I obviously still don’t know how or what to feel. But now you know I don’t know.
For now that will have to be enough.