I am normal you jerk. What is your problem? I’ll betcha I can guess, you’re a man designing womens jeans. Right?
Your secret is out now you piggy pig of a man. Don’t like short women do you? Well I’ve got news for you, I am average. All 29 x 29 inches of me. In fact I am so average you should build a shrine to my averageness and worship it regularly.
It really chaps my hide when I have to go out every fall and find even one new pair of jeans. Partly because I’m led around the store by a 28 x 31 blond with perky boobs and mostly because the little perky thing looks at me as though I’m asking for bronzed elephant eyelashes when I ask for short pants. Not all of us can traipse around in stilettos whenever we want to wear jeans. Some of us have two year olds to run after before they throw a Waterford dish like a frisbee. Some of us have to wear practical shoes.
So there, I’m old. And practical. And borderline fuddy duddy. Ha.
What I don’t get is that when looking at the piles and piles of pants that don’t come in my size they do come in sizes like 24 x 33 or 26 x 36. Oh you stupid man, this is what gave you away. Just because you design jeans for Amazon Barbie isn’t going to make her come to life and love the forty eight pairs of pants you made just for her.
I came so close to buying Gloria Vanderbilts with an elastic waistband tonight that you should be responsible for my therapy bills. I’m not kidding, I was this close.
I shouldn’t have to tailor, altar or sacrifice hundreds of dollars to look hot. And my lands I should NOT have to try on more than twenty seven pairs of pants to find some that don’t completely suck.
OH AND ONE MORE THING YOU STUPID JEAN DESIGNER MAN.
Making skinny jeans in my size?
You may as well make me a chicken suit, at least that would be hysterical on purpose.