I am normal you jerk. What is your problem? I’ll betcha I can guess, you’re a man designing womens jeans. Right?

Your secret is out now you piggy pig of a man. Don’t like short women do you? Well I’ve got news for you, I am average. All 29 x 29 inches of me. In fact I am so average you should build a shrine to my averageness and worship it regularly.

It really chaps my hide when I have to go out every fall and find even one new pair of jeans. Partly because I’m led around the store by a 28 x 31 blond with perky boobs and mostly because the little perky thing looks at me as though I’m asking for bronzed elephant eyelashes when I ask for short pants. Not all of us can traipse around in stilettos whenever we want to wear jeans. Some of us have two year olds to run after before they throw a Waterford dish like a frisbee. Some of us have to wear practical shoes.

So there, I’m old. And practical. And borderline fuddy duddy. Ha.

What I don’t get is that when looking at the piles and piles of pants that don’t come in my size they do come in sizes like 24 x 33 or 26 x 36. Oh you stupid man, this is what gave you away. Just because you design jeans for Amazon Barbie isn’t going to make her come to life and love the forty eight pairs of pants you made just for her.

I came so close to buying Gloria Vanderbilts with an elastic waistband tonight that you should be responsible for my therapy bills. I’m not kidding, I was this close.

I shouldn’t have to tailor, altar or sacrifice hundreds of dollars to look hot. And my lands I should NOT have to try on more than twenty seven pairs of pants to find some that don’t completely suck.

OH AND ONE MORE THING YOU STUPID JEAN DESIGNER MAN.

Making skinny jeans in my size?

NEVER OKAY.

You may as well make me a chicken suit, at least that would be hysterical on purpose.

Comments

  1. Ya, I have this problem, too.

    Snort.

    Sorry, I just had to say it. It is the same problem, just from a different perspective (ya, my size 34×34 jeans are all about perspective).

    I don’t know who they’re making the jeans for, but it sure as heck isn’t many of the women I know.

  2. No ****!

    LOVE the new photo!!!

  3. sigh…i haven’t had a 29″ waist since i was in 2nd grade…

    i too have a really hard time finding jeans because if you’re fat, you’re supposed to be fat all over and i’m just big in the belly and thighs and can’t quite seem to buy a pair of pants that makes me look like i just took a crap in them!

    have you tried Express? a friend of mine who is even shorter than you, finds short jeans there that fit her perfectly!

  4. I am perpetually in pant HELL.

    I’m 5’7 and 3/4. Just too tall to make normal jeans long enough, yet swamped by “Tall” sizes.

    Frick! Frack! Frickenfrackenfrick!

    It hurts my head.

  5. I have the same problem. I’ve been buying dorky Lee jeans in the petite section at Kohl’s. They fit my hiney and they aren’t too long.

    I refuse to have my clothes tailored, that is, until I become wealthy beyond my wildest dreams and my personal assistant can get those little chores done for me. Heh.

  6. You are too skinny for this advice, but for the more…ahem…voluptuous among your readers, go to Lane Bryant. They have totally redesigned their jeans in a great way. It seems confusing at first but the salespeople can help you decide what you need. I bought some and people keep saying “Wow! You have really lost weight!” And they feel great too.

  7. Nothing puts me in a bad mood faster than shopping for jeans!

  8. When you find a pair that fits, don’t just buy one pair…buy like ten.. to save yourself the agony of doing it again anytime soon. Jean shopping makes me cry.

  9. Dude. I have to argue with you about the old part.

    I am old.

    You are spring chicken.

  10. I hate shopping for jeans. Well…actually…. I hate shopping for pants in general. The regular length is too long (usually) and the short or petite length is too short (usually). One more reason that I like warm weather… I have a much easier time finding shorts/skorts thank pants!

  11. I just had to say, that I am above average in height, and have always had trouble finding jeans that cover my ankles, so I can sympathize with not being able to find something that fits correctly- when jeans started getting longer, I rejoiced. However, I have also never been able to ADD length to jeans, whereas I think it is pretty easy to have jeans hemmed. They can even cut off the distressed original hem and reattach it, so that no one will ever know that the jeans were altered.

  12. I completely understand. I hav ebeen putting off jeans shopping for weeks, even though I really need a new pair- trouble is, every time I find a pair that fits the company restyles their pants and I never see them again. :-(

  13. LOVE, love, LOVE the new photo!

    I’m 5’2. Buying jeans sucks ass. SUCKS. ASS.

  14. I’m just glad you didn’t buy the elastic waist jeans.

  15. Did you see me erase my whole blog there a minute ago?
    THAT WAS FUN.

  16. Try the Land’s End catalog, I am totally serious. I am barely five feet tall, and I have “womanly curves”, you think I can find jeans at the mall? Ha!

  17. I’ll make you jeans out of gold after all your help today.

  18. AMEN!

    I buy a lot of pants when I find ones that work for me up top. (Old Navy!)

    I don’t bother hemming. I just cut them. Because that little bit of fray at the bottom – that’s NOT laziness. That’s fashionable! (snort!)

  19. I too have the same but different problem. I am fat and Tall. But according to pants manufacturers you can only be tall if you are rail thin and only be fat if you are short. I would love to find a pair of pants that fits both around my tummy (yes my tummy, no hip huggings since the grandkid came) and fall to the floor. Stillettos? What the heck are those again?

  20. Have you ever tried zafu.com?

    The last time I did it, I was bigger and they didn’t HAVE jeans in MY size. I should try them again now, though. It tells you the jeans that would fit based on how other jeans fit you. Pretty cool.

  21. Love you Moosh in Indy! you always make me laugh. I’m thrilled you made it over to my site yesterday. It’s like, wow, I’ve been noticed by Moosh in Indy…and she’s like, famous! :-)

  22. Yeah, I’m with Oh, The Joys. You’re a spring chicken and you have a great shape. Stop yer whinin’ – you look amazing!

  23. Amen, sister. I just about had a good cry in old navy about an hour ago. I’m 5’7″, and wear a size 4 or 6, but I have womanly curves and a freakishly short inseam (the same leg length as my sister, who is 5’3″).

    Boohoo I had shopping for jeans.

  24. I have totally the opposite problem. I’m 5’10″ with too much leg…I need at least a 34″ inseam….but I am sooo not skinny. So I can only find 34″ inseams with a 26″ waist, or a “40 waist…ya…I’m somewhere in between there!

  25. I hear ya. Skinny jeans should only be made in 26 waist or less and 34 long of longer. They just look like cellulite trappers on everyone else.

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