One of my dear sweet friends has suffered a miscarriage.

If I learned one thing while pregnant it was that miscarriages are all too common and all too much a mystery.

If I have learned one thing while blogging it is that we are a community and that we reach out to each other in desperate times of need.

While respecting anonymity I ask that you reach out to not only her, but the countless numbers of women who have gone through this experience. Words so often fail us in this situation. I know they do for me. Please, leave a comment with your own personal story, anonymously if you wish (please use my email address if you truly wish to remain completely anonymous, smooshbeth@gmail.com) or any words of support you’ve been given that have helped you.

I hope to keep this post forever as a tribute to the babies we’ve all lost and the lessons we’ve gained. Let’s make this a big warm fuzzy for them.

Comments

  1. I just had a close cousin and a close friend suffer miscarriages in the past two months. Thankfully I’ve never going through it myself and hope I never do. You are right: words failed me with both of them. I didn’t know what to say. The friend has been trying to conceive for almost 2 years, so this was a double blow to her and her husband… my heart aches for them. And all women who have to go through such an emotionally and physically horrible thing.

  2. I miscarried once – in between my two successful pregnancies. The thing is, every woman’s experience is different, which I think is why it’s so hard to find the right words of comfort.

    For me it was an intensely emotional week that dragged on as I had to tell everyone I knew that I was no longer pregnant. The one thing that helped was realizing how many other women have had miscarriages and that so many of them were able to get pregnant again soon afterward and give birth to healthy babies – myself included.

  3. I had 3 miscarriages before having Shecky. I didn’t know I was pregnant until I miscarried. At the time, I was an undiagnosed diabetic and it is now believed that I miscarried due to the crazy high blood sugars I had. It was probably easier to deal with because I didn’t know I was pregnant until it was too late. Even now, 15 years later, I still wonder who they would have been. Nothing anyone says will give you comfort. Knowing you are not alone in your pain won’t ease it for you. The only real words of wisdom I can give you is that with time, and with faith, you’ll be able to think of those that went before with a bit of sadness but with a smile as well. God Bless.

  4. I just miscarried a couple weeks ago. It was a difficult & confusing thing. I was lucky to only be barely pregnant- I cannot imaginge having been 2 or 3 months along.

    I still find myself looking at the next 7 months thinking, ‘”I should be this big at Christmas and feel this way in Feb” But I won’t. And now I’m very frightened of getting pg again- because what if it happens again and this time it is devastating- scary thought.

    Oh- I blogged about it: http://lifeaslou.blogsome.com/2007/08/28/p401/

    You know what really surprized me? I didn’t tell a lot of people- in fact- I only told 3 people who weren’t family- and every one of them had miscarried. One friend, who I thought I knew pretty well- had had FIVE. I don’t understand why it is so private- that’s a lot of hurt to be dealing with in a lonely way.

  5. I’m sorry for your friend. I have no wise words…just sympathy for her.

  6. The best is if you have a friend who has suffered a miscarriage as well – they feel like the only person in the world who can truly understand your pain.

    It helped me so much to pray for guidance for a name for my baby, and to name him.

    Also enrollment in the Book of Life really helped me:http://www.innocents.com/Bookoflife.html

    I lost a baby when my first daughter turned one…it was heartbreaking. I now have two more beautiful daughters. Before having my loss I was not so sure about how many children. Now I know that each baby is a precious gift and I welcome them with open arms.

  7. Such a great idea Casey. I know we’re all feeling for her right now. I don’t have any experience myself, but that doesn’t mean i won’t in the future. I’ve seen many family members go through it, and there just aren’t any words to say. You can just pray, hug them, and be there until the hurt is somewhat bearable for them. It’s so sad, and you’re right, there needs to be more community with these situations.

  8. My heart goes out to your friend! I am so sorry to hear of her loss and her pain.

    One thing I learned when I went through my own personal losses is that we are not alone! When it happened to me I knew of no one that had had this experience and I felt so isolated. Until I talked about it — and the women around me spoke up about their own losses, their own tragedies, often times much worse than I had had to bear.

    My prayers are with your friends.

    And my story is here.
    http://adventuresinbabyfat.blogspot.com/2007/03/this-post-is-very-long-but-one-that-i.html

  9. Our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. Even though Joan was carrying the child I grieved just as much because we both feel so strongly in the sanctity of life. There is no doubt we have another child in heaven and that grandpa is watching out for him or her.

    Ironically this occurred 12 years ago yesterday. Our family sends our deepest sympathies to your friend.

  10. I’ve had a miscarriage and a stillbirth. It helped me to be able to talk about it, if I wanted. And to remember that those were my children too and they’ll always be “counted”. It did help to know I wasn’t alone, but there wasn’t much comfort there either. Support from friends was essential, things like sending flowers or bringing over meals really meant a lot to us.

  11. The sweetest thing anyone said to me was “I’m sorry.” They didn’t try to provide rationalizations, scientific reasoning or comfort with any other words.

  12. I have had two miscarriages and have named both of those babies. Jamie and Lee are as much a part of this family as the other kiddos. They are no less special even though their lives were short. I am so sorry for the loss of your friends baby. It just makes my heart ache every time I hear of someone. A book that was very special to me was I’ll Hold You in Heaven by Jack Hayford. Although people said thoughtless things there were others that were just THERE and let me cry and didn’t expect me to “get over it.” Please tell your sweet friend that I will be praying for her.

  13. There are no words.

    My thoughts & prayers are with your friend. I’ve been through 4 miscarriages and one ectopic pregnancy (losing one tube in emergency surgery). None of it was fun. But, I didn’t fall apart either, which has always surprised me. Looking back, I suppose it’s made me a stronger person and I know it’s made me a better Mommy to our now-20-month-old. I learned so much about alternative medicine/ healthful living in that period that I credit our DD to that knowlege. Although I’m saddened to think of our other children, I am thankful for the lessons learned through each experience.

    I love what Angela says above: “I’m sorry” for your friend’s loss. I know it’s not easy.

  14. I have had two ectopic pregnancies that were surgically removed. Not only was it emotional to lose something I wanted so bad, but to know that I may not be able to get pregnant naturally again. It’s painful, emotionally and physically, sad, frustrating, and just no fun. But it has made me strong and able to relate to lots of other women that need someone to relate to. Thanks for reminding me I’m not alone in this world of being (or trying to be) a mom.

  15. I had two miscarriages in between my two children.

    The first started with some cramping and spotting. I remember the moment I knew for sure that it was serious; I was laying in bed and felt a gush accompanied by horrible cramping. At that exact moment the chimes outside our bedroom window rang, despite it being a totally calm night. I was nearly eleven weeks; we’d seen the heartbeat nearly a month earlier.

    The second time I was in the doctor’s office for a routine 7 week vag ultrasound. We were so excited…but then the silence in that dark room as my OB tried to locate a heartbeat was overwhelming. My own heart was pounding like crazy, and everything was reduced to the concerned look on my doctor’s face and my thought, “Not again, not again, not again, not again, not again.” Those moments seemed to last forever, until he looked at me and said, “I’m so sorry.”

    What got me through those experiences without losing hope was the fact that miscarriages are so common. Painful and devastating and all of those horrible things, but also natural and not something to be ashamed of…the loss of a pregnancy is something women (and men) have been grieving throughout time. It sucked to be part of that group, but I knew I wasn’t alone.

    I’m glad you’re doing this for your friend. She needs to feel not-along. Hugs to her, and to you.

  16. Personally, I have never experienced such a loss. I’ve known close friends who have and it was a very difficult grieving process for them.

    I once read where 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Many times it happens so early a woman doesn’t realize she was pregnant to begin with.

    I cannot imagine the sense of loss and unknown that a woman would feel after losing a child (baby) at any age of development – whether that be 12 month old or 4 weeks.

    My prayers are with her.

  17. While I have not had a miscarriage myself, I have suffered with news that it would be difficult for me to ever conceive. In fact, as a 21 year-old, I was told by my OBGYN that my chances were slim. When she informed me that I should try to conceive within the next year because she was recommending either a hysterectomy or hormone treatment to put me through menopause, I went through my own grieving process. I was not married, so a child at the time was not possible. I grieved for those children I had wanted and dreamed of that I would never have, and I went through depression.

    Two year later, my new husband and I stared unexpectedly at a positive pregnancy test. We weren’t even trying, and there we were! I now have a nearly 2 year old daughter. I know that my experience wasn’t exactly the same, but in my process, one of the things that helped me most were my family and friends. They understood that sometimes I needed to be left alone, and other times I needed their help to take my mind off of it. As was mentioned above, the best thing was when others didn’t try to tell me that they knew what I was going through but when they would just be there for me if I needed them.

  18. Casey you rock! Thanks so much!

  19. Beautiful post, beautiful gesture.

    In the last 6 years, I’ve been pregnant seven times. Clearly, three didn’t end up very well. The most important thing for me has been to allow myself to grieve, if that’s what I feel like doing. Just take the time, allow the process. It’s important.

    Good luck to your friend. It’s a hard time–I’m so glad for her that she has YOU.

  20. Casey, you’re such a good friend.

    OK, here’s something I’ve never said on my blog even though I’ve hinted about it.

    I had 5 miscarriages before I had Hollis. Five. I’ve been pregnant 7 times. Only 2 have turned out well.

    What was hardest for me were not the unintentionally thoughtless comments – “it’s for the best,” “at least it wasn’t a REAL baby,” or “you’re young.” No, what hurt the most was silence.

    A failure to acknowledge my loss could cut me to the bone. I had friends tell me later they just didn’t want to make it worse by talking about it. But really, all I wanted was for someone to listen to me. To be able to tell someone other than my poor husband how scared I was that I might never have children and how I couldn’t stop thinking about the children that “might have been.” I wanted to scream and rant and have someone hold me and say “I’m listening,” or even “there, there.”

    Just tell her that you’re sorry and that you’re there for her, to listen, to hold her hand, or to just sit with her in silence if she wants.

  21. oh. this has been something that has been in my life for a couple of weeks now. my best friend in the entire universe of universes had problems at 21 weeks and it didn’t work out. Strength doesn’t look or feel like strength when you are in the thick of it. But that is exactly what it is. Be where you need to be for as long as you need to there. you’ve clearly got some incredible friends.

  22. I had a miscarriage before either of my girls. There’s never, ever, a good time for a miscarriage, but that’s a particularly stressful time to have one because you’ve never had a baby and you don’t know if you’ll ever be able to have one. It’s horrible. I, of course, being the blabber mouth that I am, told absolutely everyone that I was pregnant. Everyone. And the miscarriage occurred at around 8 weeks. Long enough that I was really convinced that we were having a baby! and man, was that baby wanted! Some people gave me the advice that I shouldn’t have said anything to anyone until the 12 week mark, but I disagree. Imagine keeping that info from your mom? or your best friend? or whoever it is that loves and supports you? you NEED them during a miscarriage, and if you hadn’t told them you were pg in the first place, well. Anyway, I’ve been through it and it’s not fun. My heart and prayers go out to your friend.

  23. I’m so sorry for your friend. It’s hard for me to know what to say here as I was never able to conceive. My heart goes out to her.

  24. I miscarried between my two boys. Blughted ovum. It was all vry sad and very weird bcause I never actually miscarried. There just wasnt a heartbeat at the first ultrasound. They dragged it out to ten weeks-nothing, then twelve weeks-nothing and finally I opted for a D&C there was no point in enduring morning sickness for an empty sac with no heartbeat.
    Thinking of those ultrasounds still makes me feel sad.
    The weird thing is that I just went back to work part time at a preschool and realize I am working with kids who are the exac sme age that baby would have been had things worked out differently. It’s sobering really.

  25. I have never had a miscarriage. I know how badly it hurts to want a baby, but not have that “happen” as easily as it seems to come to some. I know that this pain, and the pain of losing a baby through miscarriage/early delivery is not the same pain, in fact I believe it is much worse. After going through months of trying to conceive, my husband and I decided to put in the necessary paperwork for adoption. Seven months later we received the call, we had been chosen by a birthmother! I was elated! We had three weeks to prepare for our little guy, THREE WEEKS. I worked so fast and hard to get things ready for his arrival. Two weeks later I got the news. The birthmother decided not to place the baby with us, she had decided to parent. I have never known such pain in my entire life. I cried for weeks and weeks. Even now I ache and try to feel at “peace” but words are never enough to feel a void–a void so deep that although I am happy for our birthmother, my heart is empty, there will always be an empty hole that cannot be filled, for a part of me knows he was my baby too. Luckily my husband and I were able to conceive again, it is my prayer that your friend will again soon…much love and hugs!

  26. Well, most people who know (or e-know) me know that my daughter was stillborn at nine months. I am much less vocal about the miscarriages I had before that. I did grieve for those babies. Even if they hadn’t grown to resemble a baby yet – I still felt the loss deep in my heart that a life had been formed in me but I was not able to care enough for it. At the point I was at in my life, I thought it was God’s wish for me to not have the babies yet (I was not in good relationships for either). That rationalization seemed idiotic when I lost Bella. Even for the first two. She changed my view of it all – because I called her my “miracle baby” – seeing how I’d carried her to full term after only miscarriages before. Well, where the hell was my miracle? I had always thought the pain of the first two would suffice and I’d have paid my dues and Bella would be fine. So, point being, there is no rationalization unless that works for you. No rhyme or reason unless you can figure something out medically. Which, at nine months, they could not for us.

    I wish my experience would have left me equipped with magical words to help ease the pain – but it didn’t.

    Though I heard a lot of things that were said by, I’m sure very well meaning, people and to this day I don’t look at them the same. I did plan on posting some of these on my own blog (this is not the forum for a woman in pain to read those things – even if they weren’t directed toward her). But I was extremely thankful to come back to this post a couple days later and not see any of those things said.

    So here is my advice to anyone who knows anyone in this situation: Don’t offer advice. Don’t offer comfort. Don’t try to lessen their pain. Every baby story is different – no matter how ‘the same’ they feel. Someone may be able to miscarry and be okay enough to move on right away – for some that same situation may rip their hearts right out of their chest.

    To TRULY be a comfort to these people (and don’t forget dads): Tell them “I am so sorry.” Be there to listen. Just be there.

    I belong to a support group on Yahoo that is lead by Robyn Bear of http://www.October15th.com. October 15th was recognized by congress last year as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. In our house, we light the candle the hospital gave us (7 pm) and spend a little time remembering our Bella – and all the other families that suffer through this pain. But check with the site, because there are all kinds of rememberance activities all over the country. (they are also on myspace – http://www.myspace.com/allangelbabies).

    To close this very long comment, I’d just like to say that the most moving thing anyone did for me after I lost bella was to share their story with me, offer their sympathies and listen. I hope everyone here’s comments do the same for your friend. I am definitely thinking of her and praying for her.

  27. I meant that I imagine losing a baby through miscarriage, after having that child is much worse than any pain I have ever felt…I apologize, my words seemed off. Just wanted to clarify.

  28. I have not been a member of the church my whole life, when i was younger I had a colorful life…. I got pregnant at the age of 15 (the first time I ever had sex) it was twins. My bf left me for my best friend and continued to abuse me emotionally and later physically, I lost both babies at 4 months. Now I have one daughter with my amazing husband, we have been trying since our daughter was born (10 months) to have another one, but have not been successful. Most people say well you have one, but I am scared I will not be able to have another. My prayers are always with the little ones that don’t make it, but now that I am strong in the church I think….. wow they must of been pretty special kids to go straight back to heavenly father and we can see them again someday.

  29. Hugs and prayers to your friend. I can’t imagine, but I know this is a difficult time for her and everyone who cares about her. Good thing she has awesome friends like you to support her.

  30. My co-worker who has the same “condition” I had (an incompetent cervix) had 2 miscarriages before she had her baby boy. He’s now 6 months old. My heart aches for your friend. I will keep her in my thoughts.

  31. Oh I am so sorry for your friend. Miscarriage is devastating, as I also know. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and I remember the range of emotions I felt very well. Hearing things like “everything happens for a reason” and “I’m sure things will go fine next time” really did nothing to help and actually just irritated and frustrated me. One thing that struck me though was how many other people have suffered a miscarriage that I never knew about before. Just a simple, “hey, I know what you’re going through” or “I know how devastated you must feel” seemed to help.

    So my heart goes out to your friend, and I hope that by sharing these stories with her, it will help her through her grief, even if just a tiny bit. What a wonderful friend you are.

  32. Miscarriages suck. They suck hard.

    I had two of them before we had Babboo. Both happened at 9 weeks. Both after ultrasounds showing little beating hearts.

    They eventually figured out that I have MTHFR. Which is a disorder that causes my body to kill babies. It is stopped, easily, with vitamins.

    I kept the pregnancies/miscarriages a secret from people in real life. One reason I started my blog was to talk about them. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell the people in real life about them. I didn’t want the head nods and the comments that were inevitable fro those around me. It was my own way of protecting myself.

    Best of luck to your friend. It sounds like she is surrounded by people, like you, that love and support her. That is what will help her get through this rough time.

  33. I’m very sorry to hear about your friend’s miscarriage.

    I had one at 15 weeks, before I had Boo. It was awful – I’d seen the heartbeat, twice, weeks before, and then suddenly, nothing. I still grieve, four years later. I can second all the suggestions to just say “I’m sorry.” Don’t offer platitudes, and whatever you do, don’t say “You can have another baby.” I wanted to claw the faces off people who said that to me.

    It’s such a painful time and it’s often even more painful because people don’t know what to say and don’t want to talk about it. It can be a very lonely time. She’s lucky to have you there for her.

  34. I am having a miscarriage as I type this. Five years ago I got pregnant and miscarried at 7 weeks. Finally, I got pregnant again, saw the heartbeat at 6 weeks, and yesterday, at 9 weeks, was told there was no heartbeat. Heavy bleeding has started and I’m searching the web to read other people’s stories, to keep my spirits up as my second chance at having a child slips away. I’m 39, and don’t know how many more chances I’ll have. I know the deep heartache — especially looking at all the crackhead unhealthy women who seem to so easily conceive and bring children to term. But we mustn’t judge. We must continue to have faith and strength.