Comments on: Miscarriage.

By: Chris

Chris — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 03:17:33 +0000

I am having a miscarriage as I type this. Five years ago I got pregnant and miscarried at 7 weeks. Finally, I got pregnant again, saw the heartbeat at 6 weeks, and yesterday, at 9 weeks, was told there was no heartbeat. Heavy bleeding has started and I’m searching the web to read other people’s stories, to keep my spirits up as my second chance at having a child slips away. I’m 39, and don’t know how many more chances I’ll have. I know the deep heartache — especially looking at all the crackhead unhealthy women who seem to so easily conceive and bring children to term. But we mustn’t judge. We must continue to have faith and strength.

By: T with Honey

T with Honey — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 19:18:48 +0000

My bad day story is here
http://twithhoney.wordpress.com/2007/03/14/melancholy/

By: Major Bedhead

Major Bedhead — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 03:45:11 +0000

I’m very sorry to hear about your friend’s miscarriage.

I had one at 15 weeks, before I had Boo. It was awful – I’d seen the heartbeat, twice, weeks before, and then suddenly, nothing. I still grieve, four years later. I can second all the suggestions to just say “I’m sorry.” Don’t offer platitudes, and whatever you do, don’t say “You can have another baby.” I wanted to claw the faces off people who said that to me.

It’s such a painful time and it’s often even more painful because people don’t know what to say and don’t want to talk about it. It can be a very lonely time. She’s lucky to have you there for her.

By: Isabel

Isabel — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 17:58:06 +0000

Miscarriages suck. They suck hard.

I had two of them before we had Babboo. Both happened at 9 weeks. Both after ultrasounds showing little beating hearts.

They eventually figured out that I have MTHFR. Which is a disorder that causes my body to kill babies. It is stopped, easily, with vitamins.

I kept the pregnancies/miscarriages a secret from people in real life. One reason I started my blog was to talk about them. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell the people in real life about them. I didn’t want the head nods and the comments that were inevitable fro those around me. It was my own way of protecting myself.

Best of luck to your friend. It sounds like she is surrounded by people, like you, that love and support her. That is what will help her get through this rough time.

By: Deb - Mom of 3 Girls

Deb - Mom of 3 Girls — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 19:45:18 +0000

Oh I am so sorry for your friend. Miscarriage is devastating, as I also know. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and I remember the range of emotions I felt very well. Hearing things like “everything happens for a reason” and “I’m sure things will go fine next time” really did nothing to help and actually just irritated and frustrated me. One thing that struck me though was how many other people have suffered a miscarriage that I never knew about before. Just a simple, “hey, I know what you’re going through” or “I know how devastated you must feel” seemed to help.

So my heart goes out to your friend, and I hope that by sharing these stories with her, it will help her through her grief, even if just a tiny bit. What a wonderful friend you are.

By: Worker Mommy

Worker Mommy — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 19:35:49 +0000

My co-worker who has the same “condition” I had (an incompetent cervix) had 2 miscarriages before she had her baby boy. He’s now 6 months old. My heart aches for your friend. I will keep her in my thoughts.

By: Mommy Daisy

Mommy Daisy — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 16:13:11 +0000

Hugs and prayers to your friend. I can’t imagine, but I know this is a difficult time for her and everyone who cares about her. Good thing she has awesome friends like you to support her.

By: Me

Me — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 14:48:23 +0000

I have not been a member of the church my whole life, when i was younger I had a colorful life…. I got pregnant at the age of 15 (the first time I ever had sex) it was twins. My bf left me for my best friend and continued to abuse me emotionally and later physically, I lost both babies at 4 months. Now I have one daughter with my amazing husband, we have been trying since our daughter was born (10 months) to have another one, but have not been successful. Most people say well you have one, but I am scared I will not be able to have another. My prayers are always with the little ones that don’t make it, but now that I am strong in the church I think….. wow they must of been pretty special kids to go straight back to heavenly father and we can see them again someday.

By: Kim

Kim — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 14:07:44 +0000

I meant that I imagine losing a baby through miscarriage, after having that child is much worse than any pain I have ever felt…I apologize, my words seemed off. Just wanted to clarify.

By: ButrflyGarden

ButrflyGarden — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 14:06:05 +0000

Well, most people who know (or e-know) me know that my daughter was stillborn at nine months. I am much less vocal about the miscarriages I had before that. I did grieve for those babies. Even if they hadn’t grown to resemble a baby yet – I still felt the loss deep in my heart that a life had been formed in me but I was not able to care enough for it. At the point I was at in my life, I thought it was God’s wish for me to not have the babies yet (I was not in good relationships for either). That rationalization seemed idiotic when I lost Bella. Even for the first two. She changed my view of it all – because I called her my “miracle baby” – seeing how I’d carried her to full term after only miscarriages before. Well, where the hell was my miracle? I had always thought the pain of the first two would suffice and I’d have paid my dues and Bella would be fine. So, point being, there is no rationalization unless that works for you. No rhyme or reason unless you can figure something out medically. Which, at nine months, they could not for us.

I wish my experience would have left me equipped with magical words to help ease the pain – but it didn’t.

Though I heard a lot of things that were said by, I’m sure very well meaning, people and to this day I don’t look at them the same. I did plan on posting some of these on my own blog (this is not the forum for a woman in pain to read those things – even if they weren’t directed toward her). But I was extremely thankful to come back to this post a couple days later and not see any of those things said.

So here is my advice to anyone who knows anyone in this situation: Don’t offer advice. Don’t offer comfort. Don’t try to lessen their pain. Every baby story is different – no matter how ‘the same’ they feel. Someone may be able to miscarry and be okay enough to move on right away – for some that same situation may rip their hearts right out of their chest.

To TRULY be a comfort to these people (and don’t forget dads): Tell them “I am so sorry.” Be there to listen. Just be there.

I belong to a support group on Yahoo that is lead by Robyn Bear of http://www.October15th.com. October 15th was recognized by congress last year as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. In our house, we light the candle the hospital gave us (7 pm) and spend a little time remembering our Bella – and all the other families that suffer through this pain. But check with the site, because there are all kinds of rememberance activities all over the country. (they are also on myspace – http://www.myspace.com/allangelbabies).

To close this very long comment, I’d just like to say that the most moving thing anyone did for me after I lost bella was to share their story with me, offer their sympathies and listen. I hope everyone here’s comments do the same for your friend. I am definitely thinking of her and praying for her.