So I had my eyebrows threaded tonight. Meaning I had hairs ripped from my face by a spool of sewing thread in a woman’s mouth. (Confused? Watch the linked viddy-oh above, there’s no explaining what happened to me tonight in words.)

No, it doesn’t hurt, it’s no shiny unicorn marshmallow kisses either. It is less painful than waxing, much less tedious than tweezing. But far more embarrassing than announcing that you orgasm on a treadmill to a room full of 800 people. BUT HOW? Here’s how.

“Your eyebrows, they are uneven, you must let these ones grow.”

“Well, that’s why I’m here, for you to make them even.”

“I’m going to have to thin this one out a lot. It is very thick, not at all like your other one, you wax yourself?”

By this point she’s looking at me like I’ve committed the most heinous crime possible against eyebrow grooming. I just shrugged.

“Okay, I done, you see how even they are? I had to take a lot off this one because they were so uneven.”

“Thanks.”

“Okay, I do your lip now.”

“Um, but, I…”

“I do your lip, it needs to be done. Sit back.”

At this point I’m feeling like a Sasquatch with a ‘stache who lets blind people tweeze her eyebrows with a dull butter knife while landing a jet plane. It really helps that two of my friends were RIGHT THERE watching, shocked at my heavily follicled being. When I was done she pointed a finger at my other friend and said “You! I do you next! I make you even!”

It’s one thing to volunteer yourself for the humiliation (HI MOM!) but it’s another thing to be picked out of a crowd by the eyebrow Gestapo. (BTW, you’re loverly Meg, totally even.)

So for now I’m well groomed, albeit red puffy and irritated. I am even.
Even but hurt.

And a little hurt deep down inside.

Comments

  1. I am the first to dazzle you yay!!!! you have GOT to go to my blog about waxing its calling It’s painful to be beautiful, its painful to be beautiful, i dunno how to do the link thingy so go! I feel your pain

  2. Ha ha! Very cool, I’ve seen it done on TV. I’ll bet she got a big tip – after brow beating (great choice of words, eh?) you into doing the lip.

    Great post, and nice brows!

  3. Mean lady! I should’ve pointed out her crows feet and bad makeup!

  4. I went in two weeks ago to what I THOUGHT was to have my eyebrows threaded. I, too, was told I was too hairy and had my lip “cleaned up.” It’s SUPPOSED to last weeks and weeks. Yeah. It’s been 2 weeks and my 70s porn star stache is growing back. Mind you, I didn’t realize my light blond baby hairs were much of a stache, but now that I was once bare, I must always stay bare.

    Thanks Ms. Threader-happy-hairy woman. I guess now you have an unexpected a customer for life.

    http://awholelotofnothing.net

  5. You are a far braver woman than me! That just sounds painful.

  6. Ack! I had my eyebrows threaded about 5 years ago… I am one of those people who can’t. sit. still. And that freaking threading drove me BONKERS. I wanted to grab the thread, throw it in her face and run out, but I didn’t LOL. I just sat there, curling my toes, twiddling my thumbs, thinking of how good my non-existent eyebrows would look (I’m a redhead, people used to tell me that they didn’t even know I *had* eyebrows…nice)
    And I HATE when they ask me if I want my upper lip done when I go in, it’s SO RUDE. They don’t ask because you are hairy~ it’s for more $$ in case you didn’t know :P I know FOR damn sure I don’t have a ‘stache… wait let me check… yep, no ‘stache here and they always ask. Bitches.

  7. What beautiful (even) eyebrows you have.

    Never done threading before…some scary woman with thread between her teeth scare me a little. Somehow a woman holding hot wax on a popsicle stick is somewhat less scary.

    What does that say about me….and hot wax?!?!?!

    :)

  8. Oh man. The eyebrow gestapo would have a field day with me…I tweeze.

  9. But don’t you love her??? I crave people like that when trying to get my hair cut or eyebrows waxed. I want someone with an opinion who will fix me up and make me look fabulous!

  10. I am constantly trying to make my eyebrows even. Ugh.

  11. Yikes. Nobody has ever commented on my eyebrows being uneven. If they did – I think I would mention something about minding their own business. But then, I’ve never been anywhere like that!

    About the ‘stache: I will never ever ever ever ever touch mine. I don’t care if it does look dark in the sun sometimes. I will. Not. Touch it. Not even if a crazy asian hair killer was after me. Nah. Uh.

  12. You’re so brave! I haven’t had anyone do my eyebrows since I moved to Key West because I’m afraid! What if they screw them up horribly?! Eeeek.

    But speaking of unicorn kisses… at work we have a book to take down orders for supplies people need and animals they would like us to bring in. One gentleman stood with his daughter at the counter and insisted that we write down “Unicorn, shiny and pink” in our animal request section. Once in awhile he calls to see if we’ve ordered it.

  13. Oh, I’ve had worse. I tried to tip someone once after a particularly ego-killing session and she refused, telling me instead to “go buy some make-up.” Nice. Thanks.

  14. I have had my eyebrows threaded for the past 8 years (gosh that makes me feel old all of a sudden). The lady would always wax first and then finish off with threading. My eyes always watered with the threading! They look good!

  15. I didn’t look, but I know what it’s like. And her making you wax your upper lip!? HAhahahaha! LOVE it!

  16. Sounds like fun. Wheeeee!

  17. i’m pretty sure no one in my piss ant town does the thread thing…

    i’ll stick to letting my hairdresser wax me…at least she just laughs and says “yep, it’s definitely time!”

  18. I’ve seen this being done in the Mall and it just looks soooo painful!!

    But you do look great!

  19. Totally didn’t want to say anything at the time, but did you see HER eyebrows? Hideousness that they were. I say “too close together” “I fix?” Mwaaahaaahaaa

  20. Awesome!! I’ve heard about this, but never tried it. I’m all old skool and just pay a billion dollars for someone to wax me while I read the gossip rags.

  21. Eyebrow threading! Who knew? Well, apparently a lot of people, myself not included. I was utterly mesmerized by that video.

    (Also: they look great!)

  22. Wow and I totally missed the stache in Chicago. I must have been pretty drunk.

    Love the eyebrows. They look fab!

  23. That video had me fascinated….

  24. I wish I could find someone to thread me.

    That sounds kinda dirty.

    Ooh, yeah, thread me like that. Thread me all night long.

  25. AGH! OMG. So being in Indy…was this at the mall? A little square hut? Ok, last April we were there and I ran into this group who did it…and had it done. I had watched on Oprah and heard this is all the rave!

    It was better than waxing and mine were pretty uneven from my own tweezing issues. So I liked the results! Only there is no one around here and I haven’t back thru Indy. I’ll go back though.

    AND…she wanted to do my lip too, and I said no. Although now, I wish I would have let her.

    TOO FUNNY!!

  26. I could not take my eyes off of that video! Now I have eyebrow envy and I must find a threader tomorrow at all cost! It is so difficult to keep up with the blog Joneses!

  27. I recently learned this torture is called threading. I would rather be waxed – like, almost anywhere.

    At least she didn’t talk about your beard.

  28. I had this done at Circle Center Mall, and I think it was only 3 bucks! Was not as painful as waxing, and I did not have the flaming red, puffy eyelids for days afterwards. Had mine waxed in May and she told me I needed my lip done. NEVER again. Way painful and I am not sure which stuck out more – my lids or my lip. The lady who did it even freaked at how red and puffy I got. I think threading is the way to go.

    Yours look fabu!

  29. You look lovely!!

    The last time I had my brows waxed, I got the uneven lecture too. What’s up with that? It’s not like I’m pouring Miracle-Grow on one side!

  30. I had an entire day at the spa, eyebrows, facial and everything and when I got in the car feeling all glowy and beautiful, I noticed I had a big, stiff, black hair growing out of my chin. FIVE SPA SPECIALISTS and NO ONE could bring themselves to give it a yank?

  31. Waxing is painful enough. The thought of someone threading my eyebrows is enough to make me want to cry! Ouch! I’ll take my cue from you and stick with the painful, yet familiar, waxing. :)

    Jane, Pinks & Blues

  32. I don’t dare go see her. She’s be so upset with my eyebrows.

  33. i am dying to try threading….but i’m terrified some nazi woman is going to try to wax my entire face. yikes!

  34. Sounds painful, but there is a certain appeal in Being Even. Probably the only part of my body that would be then.

  35. Pewty. Have I EVER told you that 75% of my blogroll have NO idea who you are, and yet the ALL read you and ask me all the time who you are? That you are freaking hilarious, this just proves it. Glad you got threaded, one of us had to.

  36. How long would it take Bossy to thread her leg hairs one by one?

  37. I need to be even. In a bad way. And my ‘stache. Let’s not even go there.

  38. Just be thankful it wasn’t your arse. Could you imagine how uncomfortable you’d be then ?

  39. What I want to know is, did you need a lip wax? Cause my girl is always asking if I want one and I’m all like, do you think I need one? What? Do I?

    Ill bet you look fab.

  40. i’ve seen that done on tv before…and i still can’t figure it out…it seems to defy the laws of physics…or something else that sounds all smart and scientific-y! you look great though…

    ah….one of the few advantages to not having eyebrows…i don’t have to groom them! ;-)

  41. Thanks for posting that–I now totally get what threading is. I’m always game to try the next hair removal thing, I’m looking it up in my town. Because you are so totally even.

  42. Do they even have a place here that does eyebrow threading? Wow! Never heard of it, but it looks wickedly cool! I hope they ONLY do the threading on eyebrows! Can you imagine them getting down “you know where” so close? Scary thought!

    Nice brows cuz!

  43. Oh my God you made me laugh out loud with this one.