So I had my eyebrows threaded tonight. Meaning I had hairs ripped from my face by a spool of sewing thread in a woman’s mouth. (Confused? Watch the linked viddy-oh above, there’s no explaining what happened to me tonight in words.)
No, it doesn’t hurt, it’s no shiny unicorn marshmallow kisses either. It is less painful than waxing, much less tedious than tweezing. But far more embarrassing than announcing that you orgasm on a treadmill to a room full of 800 people. BUT HOW? Here’s how.
“Your eyebrows, they are uneven, you must let these ones grow.”
“Well, that’s why I’m here, for you to make them even.”
“I’m going to have to thin this one out a lot. It is very thick, not at all like your other one, you wax yourself?”
By this point she’s looking at me like I’ve committed the most heinous crime possible against eyebrow grooming. I just shrugged.
“Okay, I done, you see how even they are? I had to take a lot off this one because they were so uneven.”
“Okay, I do your lip now.”
“Um, but, I…”
“I do your lip, it needs to be done. Sit back.”
At this point I’m feeling like a Sasquatch with a ‘stache who lets blind people tweeze her eyebrows with a dull butter knife while landing a jet plane. It really helps that two of my friends were RIGHT THERE watching, shocked at my heavily follicled being. When I was done she pointed a finger at my other friend and said “You! I do you next! I make you even!”
It’s one thing to volunteer yourself for the humiliation (HI MOM!) but it’s another thing to be picked out of a crowd by the eyebrow Gestapo. (BTW, you’re loverly Meg, totally even.)
And a little hurt deep down inside.