Ahem. This is my first meeting of “Spouses of Law Students Anonymous.” I’m supposed to introduce myself, right?
My name is Megan. I write at Velveteen Mind. Law school stinks.
And I hate to break it to Casey, but so does studying for the Bar exam, taking the Bar exam, trying to get a job at a good firm, trying to keep a job at a good firm… Good Lord, I want to take a nap.
But wait, I can’t take a nap because I am the Only. One. In Charge. Around. Here.
Being the wife of a young lawyer sucks.
It sucks when they are trying to get into law school, it sucks when they are in law school, and it sucks when they are out of law school.
Casey can’t say these things over here at moosh in indy and I can’t say these things over on Velveteen Mind. So, you see, this guest posting thing is working out quite nicely for me.
Um, I mean, I’m sure Casey would never say these things. She is nothing but a supportive spouse to her brilliant husband who should have no problem securing a job because he is a real find. (hint hint, prospective employers out there, who really shouldn’t be reading Casey’s husband’s wife’s blog, anyway)
But seriously, I’m sick of this supportive spouse crap. Yeah, I said it. Sick of it! I’m sick of following my husband around wherever his career takes him. I’m sick of deferring to his needs because he’s the one with the real job. Because he’s the one supporting this family. I’m sick of telling myself that bending over backwards to make his life comfortable and convenient and stress-free for the sake of what he’s doing for us is all worth it.
I’m sick of my life being about him.
Good grief, I hope he hasn’t followed the link from my blog over to this guest post. Hey, Maguire! Just kidding. Heh heh.
Now, I have to admit that I’m not entirely familiar with the commenters here at the moosh. I try to read Casey’s comments on her hilarious blog posts, but she usually gets a spajillion of them and I have to stop reading at about number four or else I won’t leave a comment myself. The problem with that is that I would therefore be unaware of any smack-talkers she may have in her comments section…
Before any of you say, “Waaaah, waaaah, you poor baby. Wife and stay-at-home mom of a lawyer. Cry me a river. Why don’t you wipe up your tears with your money?” or some other understandably sympathetic statements, let me tell you that we will have paid for any success we build with serious blood, sweat, and tears. We will have earned every single damn penny of his professional income. And I’m only hoping it will have been worth it.
I did say “we.” Because this has been a joint venture. No way in hell he could have pulled this off without me.
Here’s where I reveal a secret to you… Maguire failed the Bar exam. Three times. He finally passed on the fourth try and was recently sworn in as a member of the Mississippi Bar. Praise Jebus! For the record, he is freakin’ brilliant, all across the board, but he can’t take a standardized test to save his life. Quite literally. I think he’s allergic to whatever they put in #2 pencils. His brain just shuts down.
Here’s how it played out, in one long run-on paragraph, because that’s how it felt:
Maguire is in law school. I decide this would be a great time to get pregnant. We get pregnant. Maguire gets fired from his cushy legal internship due to restructuring of the program. I’m still pregnant. I have the baby. Maguire graduates. We move to Mississippi, where Maguire has landed a hard-won job at a solid law firm. Maguire takes the Bar exam. Our house washes away in a bitchy hurricane. Maguire fails the Bar exam. We get pregnant again. Because I’m all about sweet timing. Maguire takes the Bar exam again. Maguire fails the Bar exam again. Maguire gets fired from his cushy law job. I’m still pregnant. I have the baby. Maguire leaves me in the hospital to take the Bar exam. Maguire fails the Bar exam. I’m at home with two little boys and no money. And by home, I mean my parents’ guest house, because our prospects washed away with our home. Maguire takes the Bar exam a fourth time. I pray to Mary that she’ll put a good word in with her kid because I’m sick of trusting Him at this point. Maguire passes the Bar exam.
Now give me the money.
All I have done in this story is support Maguire and make babies. Or at least that’s how it feels sometimes. I have a very fierce voice inside me that has a tendency to mutter, “What about me?” occasionally. I’m letting it out over here. It appears to be screaming.
But wait, apparently they don’t just cut you a check for passing the Bar. No, apparently they expect you to work for it. After all of this? Now you want him to work all the time? When do I get him?
It is exhausting, ya’ll. It is exhausting being the rock. Being the patient one. Being so damn understanding. I don’t care what the job is, I don’t care how bad your story is, this crap is exhausting.
…………………….
Deep breath.
Exhale.
Whew. That felt good.
Thanks, Casey. I needed that.
Now back to being the support system for this family. Back to fortifying our foundation with what really matters, with what will make all of his professional success pale in comparison to what I have built for us at the end of the day.
And he appreciates every single thing I do. Every single thing. So I keep on.
Because I love this job of mine. I love this man. I believe in him. And I love our family. I love our life.
Listen, people, I get that I have the most important job, that my husband is doing his best for our family, blah blah blah. I get it. Really, I do. And I am grateful and appreciative and loving.
But you better damn well believe that I am buying a sweet Volvo wagon for myself, an annual spa vacation, and hiring a housekeeper as soon as we can afford it. Because damn. This was exhausting.
************
edited to add:
I wrote this last night, after another long day and evening alone with the kids. Then I woke up this morning to hear Maguire say this…
“When Pants crawled in bed with us last night, I woke up like it was nine in the morning. I just laid there and watched him sleep. I put my hand on his chest and couldn’t believe how much I love him. Our boys are amazing. We are so lucky. Things are going to turn around… And I’m getting that Volvo for you, even if it is an electrical nightmare! I just love our family.”
Casey! You didn’t tell me that you had a genie in your blog! Here goes nothing:
Dear Genie of moosh in indy,
I wish Mike Rowe would call the Queen of Shake-Shake.
I wish I had bigger boobs and smaller thighs.
I wish my boys would stay friends for their entire lives.
Thank you,
Megan from Velveteen Mind
…that’s right, I am simultaneously generous, shallow, and wise. Not a bad combination, actually. 
Casey says:
We should marry each other, but stay married to lawyers. (Gotta keep our luxie lives somehow without having to work hard, *SNORT*)
I heart you, thanks girl.
October 23rd, 2007 at 9:47 am
erin says:
i love this.
kind of scary tho. 1st year law wife, with 2 babies already.
crap.
October 23rd, 2007 at 10:08 am
Ms. Crafty Wanna-Be says:
Hey Megan! Nice to meet you.
I too am married to a lawyer…and have a son who’s 2 and a half.
Thanks for the post…and I hope you get your Volvo soon!
October 23rd, 2007 at 10:25 am
Debbie says:
Megan,
I’m a law school widow too! I’ve been married to The Law Student Who Must Be Supported since 2003 (back when he was The Undergrad Student Who… you get it), and I’ve been supporting all that time. Now I’m going to university(he’s in second year) and he’s getting a taste of what it’s like to support. Ahhhh, sweet revenge. We have no kids, mostly because timing is everything and we suck at timing! Now I take the pill religiously. Because I’m simply not strong enough to be a mom, a student and a Law Widow. Kudos to you!
Here’s to the little moments that make it all worth while. And to the Volvo! My goal is an all expenses paid visit to Holt Renfrew with some snooty fashion consultant who can tell me what to wear.
October 23rd, 2007 at 10:38 am
MammaLoves says:
You are a patient woman, but he sounds like an amazing guy.
I think the run of bad mojo has got to be broken by now. And if it hasn’t, I’ll break it myself dammit.
Great post. I’m glad you could get it out.
October 23rd, 2007 at 11:43 am
Olivia says:
Although I’m not married, I feel like I can already understand your frustrations Megan. I’m the one with a steady job where I have to work 70 hour weeks 6 months out of the year, and yet the boyfriend feels like he has the right to throw a fit when I didn’t go grocery shopping and get him a freaking drink after spending a 12 hour day at work. I hate to say it, but really… What about me?
October 23rd, 2007 at 12:00 pm
andi says:
Wow. Now I’m happy the husband isn’t a lawyer. This all sounds quite horrible. It sounds like your luck is starting to turn around, though and I hope that continues. And hopefully, when the kids get older, you’ll finally get your time to shine.
October 23rd, 2007 at 12:09 pm
Krista says:
Awww. So sweet!
Can I be part of the genie love? Can my husband please be allowed to keep his job for more than one year? This is his third job in as many years due to circumstances outside his control and that don’t look good on a teacher’s resume…
October 23rd, 2007 at 12:22 pm
Isabel says:
Megan…AWESOME post. Thanks for saying it so well.
While my husband isn’t in law school, he does work full time and then he builds houses in HIS SPARE TIME. Which is probably just as much time as law school takes. And as much pressure.
It sucks.
Glad I’m not the only one that is fed up with it.
October 23rd, 2007 at 1:04 pm
BOSSY says:
Well at least when you are retired and living off of a decent pension you can think of Bossy who is eating cat food. With her husband. Who is always around. Lord is he around.
October 23rd, 2007 at 1:17 pm
Jennifer says:
Ahh, things are patched up! Good news…
As for MIKE ROWE, he really needs to call the Queen of Shake-Shake!
October 23rd, 2007 at 3:09 pm
Heather says:
Megan…it’s amazing how you (and casey too!) can give me a look into the lawyer wife life, which turns out to be really tough, and make me laugh too!
Thanks AGAIN for helping me accomplish a dream of mine too! You should start charging for that service…helping others realize their dreams. hehe!
October 23rd, 2007 at 3:11 pm
nell says:
Just don’t let Steve read this, okay? Not because he would run right out and sign up for law school (that’s how it work, right?) but because I’m about to try to get an even more useful degree (like in English), and he’s gonna get to be Mr. Supportive. I’m trying to convince him it’ll be really fun, so shhh!
October 23rd, 2007 at 4:04 pm
Liam Craig says:
I love it, my husbands in 2nd year and after law school we are moving to england for his masters and after his masters he is clerking at the Supreme court of canada…. when will the money come? I agree i get sick of being the rock, being the one with the kids 24 friggen 7. i love the rant, i wish my inlaws didnt need my blog so i could rant aswell haha… they are VERY conservative
October 23rd, 2007 at 4:05 pm
Lori says:
Working with lawyers and judges all day, I understand. And it’s not uncommon for people to take the bar multiple times. You are a good woman!
October 23rd, 2007 at 7:28 pm
Kristi B. says:
I am married to a doctor so I know exactly what you are talking about. Exactly. And I’m not one of those “we got married after residency” doctor’s wives. I’m a “we got married a few years before he even made the decision to go to medical school and before that, he planned to stay home with our kids working from home as a writer” kind of doctor’s wife. We’re talking, sister! We had baby #1 during medical school and baby #2 two months before residency began. We had NO money for 10 years, period, but instead worked up tons and tons of medical school debt, credit card debt, you name it kind of debt, and put ourselves literally 10 years behind our peers who got good jobs straight out of undergrad. I occassionally worked as a waittress and/or Target employee (even though I had a masters degree!) because the hours more closely fit into our craziness and allowed one of us to mostly be home with the babies.
So yes, WE went to medical school(and moved across the country where we had no friends or family) and WE did a residency (another move across the country where we had no friends and family and two tiny children) and now WE (dammit) can spend the money any way we please! And the money is nice now, but we basically have two mortgages, one for our actual house, and one for the imaginary one that we pretend we have—it’s called student loan payments to uncle same, that one. Oh yes, we’ve got a beautiful cabin on a lake. NOT!And I too am sick and tired of hearing—”she followed her hubby across the country” (my own mother just said that 2 days ago! and she reads my blog too so thank you Casey and friend Megan for the opportunity to agree with your rant and rant a bit myself!)
And yes, on the same token as your later comment, my hubby is the best dad in the universe and is so committed and loving to our children. Sigh.
October 23rd, 2007 at 7:35 pm
Jim Thomsen says:
Megan, you’re a wonderfully expressive writer. As a professional editor, I’m telling you that you have a future as an essayist if you ever so choose. It would be an honor to edit your manuscript.
I guess I’ll just share a few free-floating reactions:
1. Going into the marriage, did you know yourself well enough to know whether you had it in you to be #2 in the relationship? (Even if you don’t think of it like that?) Some people find their strength in being the strength for others; others need to be the strength and the star. Did you ever have a moment of clarity about this at a time when there were still major decisions to be made about the course of your lives? (I, for instance, knew pretty much from my late teens that I was meant to be a solo traveler and be my own strength and my own star.)
2. Do your husbands tell you how much they appreciate you on a regular basis? And not only that, but do they know you well enough to know that you need to be assured that there’s something big and justifiably selfish for you down the road? Or, as sweet as they are and as often as they say the right words, do they pretty much take your support for granted?
3. Is the law a respectable profession? I wonder if part of the frustration with being the supportive spouse is that you don’t respect WHAT you’re supporting (as much as WHO you’re supporting). A lot of people out there don’t think of the law as a profession to look up to. I know a lot of people who talk around what their lawyer spouses do because they’re embarrassed about it.
4. What do you want for yourself that doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with your husband or kids? What completely selfish thing do you want? Voice it!
October 23rd, 2007 at 7:57 pm
FENICLE says:
You’re cracking me up! You deserve all the riches girl after the last several years you & your family have had!
Great guest post. Now I’m going over to check out this Mike Rowe obsession.
October 23rd, 2007 at 9:03 pm
Velveteen Mind Megan says:
This post could have gone several ways when it came to the comments. Whew. So far so good.
I am loving your reactions! It is a relief to hear so many similar stories. That you understand me is, well, fabulous.
And so far, no one is offended that I am planning on being selfish at some point, if only for a bit. Holla!
October 23rd, 2007 at 10:32 pm
Alli ~Mrs. Fussypants says:
Great post! I am so wishing for that Spa trip & Housekeeper for you, too.
A volvo- Sweet!
Ah, a housekeeper, my version of porn!
“Yes, yes, fold my laundry. Yes, bleach that potty! OH, YES!”
October 23rd, 2007 at 11:43 pm
Jolene says:
I totally get it. My husband is an attorney…for the state. Yeah, that means we have all the same law school debt, the crazy hours, the all-consuming importance of a legal job with none of the money. I want to laugh when people look at me like…oh, your husband is an attorney, you can buy lunch. And I want to say, do you see what I drive?? My house in TEENY TINY and just now, after two years, we’re not putting groceries on a credit card. I feel your pain. Oh, and enjoy your volvo, you deserve it. I feel like I went to law school. AND took the bar.
October 24th, 2007 at 12:35 am
Jenn says:
I love it and can totally feel you! I’m not a law widow but my husband is in the military. For ten years now we’ve up and moved on whatever whim the government has to places we don’t necessarily want to go. Then, add to that the crazy hours and I’m stuck being a “military widow” in a new town with no friends. We made a choice together and I’ll keep supporting him but goodness gracious do I sometimes want to scream the “What about me?” part of your rant.
And finally, ten years later, I got my BMW (we’re stationed in Germany - come on, you have to have the BMW) and I’m LOVING every second of it. You go girl, get that Volvo!
Jenn
October 24th, 2007 at 8:37 am
Deb (Missives From Suburbia) says:
I’m you, but 15 years older. Trust me, it’s worth it. There’s nothing better than a hubby who’s happy, because he feels good about his family, his life and his accomplishments.
Oh, and the line you want to practice is:
“Poor me. My diamond shoes are too tight, and my 50’s are too big for my wallet.”
That’s my favorite whenever I get to whining about my lot in life.
October 24th, 2007 at 3:48 pm
Mrs. Mustard says:
This is the best post I’ve read in a while. I am wife of young pharmacist and pregnant mother to young pharmacist’s children. Young pharmacist’s career took us out to crap-ville, ontario, away from all help and support systems and friends. yes, he makes good money. but I hate living in crap-ville, and it’s all because of him that we’re here.
I like Deb’s line. my diamond shoes are too tight. Heehee!
October 24th, 2007 at 9:27 pm
pgoodness says:
Glad you came to guest host - now I have another blog to read!
Not married to a law-dude, but now I have to say I am pretty thankful for that!!
October 25th, 2007 at 6:30 pm
moosh in indy. » Just One of those days says:
[...] Law Wives Anonymous. [...]
October 26th, 2007 at 9:44 am
LawyerMama says:
Holy canole! VM, I somehow missed this post on Casey’s blog. Damn. it. My hubs put me through law school. We basically didn’t see each other much for 3 years. And then while I was studying for the bar. And then for the first few years of practice. But we didn’t have kids yet. I know *I* wouldn’t have been able to hack being a supportive spouse like that, so you & Casey both rock!
And then Jim Thomsen bitch slapped me with his comment. Um, yeah, I’m going to slink over and go stand with the used car salesmen and the politicians who’ve served time now.
November 12th, 2007 at 4:56 pm
Corinne Bargen says:
LOVE this post!!!! My husband is about 4 weeks away from finishing his law degree and so much of that hit the nail on the head! Thanks for venting so the rest of us can just agree!
November 13th, 2007 at 12:35 pm
Shannon says:
I can’t tell you enough how refreshing it is to hear your stories and thoughts! I am a first year law student with two young kids, and a husband who works way more than full-time (he’s a cop) whom I never see or spend any quality adult time with. Sometimes I feel that I just can’t manage it anymore, but then I hear stories from other people who are going through the same exact situation. I keep telling myself it will be worth it in the end (please God tell me it WILL be worth it!), but it does take A LOT
December 7th, 2007 at 1:27 am
moosh in indy. » Third meeting of LWA. says:
[...] Law Wives Anonymous. [...]
December 28th, 2007 at 12:08 pm
Kori says:
I am so glad I found this. My husband is in his 3rd year of law school and our baby girl is 2 months old. He went through a patch of “Did I make the right decision?”. I work full time and am going back in two weeks after being home. I understand the whole no money thing. We have many loans and my husband has not found a job as of yet.
Thank you for all your comments.
January 21st, 2008 at 11:40 am
Jennifer says:
Boy, can I empathize with a big part of this. Between getting his LLM after law school and taking the bar a couple of times, and the patent bar, also, I just feel like I need to live at a bar.
You deserve every bit of that Volvo, and the housekeeping help, too.
As for Jim Thomsen, he had me right up to #3, then I had to let out a couple of words that weren’t so nice.
Just found your blog, but I’ll be back!
Jennifer’s last blog post..A late resolution
February 3rd, 2008 at 12:36 am
Fuchsia says:
I’ve been married to my lawyer husband for nearly 10 years. We met 6 months after he passed the bar. He was working 16 hours a day for a raving lunatic whose idea of a raise was taking less money out in taxes — seriously. Even back then, I had dreams of a Volvo too, it was a silver V70 wagon.
Now he’s a partner with a good firm. We thought it would get better and in ways it has, but to be honest he still puts in major time — he currently is across the country with a client for two days. He’s a corporate litigator so the pressure “to win” is more intense — $40 million dollars at stake for the client. The juggling of family and work is insane — still coaches one of the kids sports a season.
Then there is the money — It’s good but now that he’s a partner, some years are fabulous, other years not so much. AND the biggie we’re STILL paying for law school which is another mortgage payment for us. Note: anyone thinking about law school go to a local state school. The private hoity toity school is nothing but a bunch of bunk with a huge bill) In addition we are now paying for the three school aged kids now and trying to put money away so they don’t have stupid college loans. I figure I’ll get the Volvo when I’m 70.
P.S. Sorry for high-jacking your blog with the log comment. But your post, even though from October, struck a chord with me tonight.
February 6th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
Olive says:
Your story sounds so much like mine except replace “lawyer” with “minister” and “law school” with “seminary” and finally “money” with… well I don’t know with what cuz there ain’t any now and there ain’t ever going to be any! Sorry to burst the bubble about all the good-doers out there not working for the money but for a higher calling - unfortunately our family’s food, insurance, education, etc. costs the same as everybody elses.
February 7th, 2008 at 1:19 am
The Mom Bomb says:
Ooh! Ooh! I just loved this. My husband’s a lawyer, too. Actually, I just remembered that I’m a lawyer as well — except that I only lasted 2 years as a litigator. Why only 2 years? Because I hated, HATED practicing law.
I liked it on an intellectual level, really I did. But on a personal level, I hate conflict — I’d rather cooperate. I’m too sensitive and take stress home with me. And at bottom, I’m just not that competitive.
Sounds like I’d make a greeeaaaat lawyer, right?
Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. So when hubs and I moved from Chicago to NJ, I quit and did writing for a software company. Kinda dull. Didn’t pay as much. But I didn’t have to argue and get in peoples’ faces. Plus I got to leave at five to go to my pottery class.
Hubs hung up his own shingle and started his own firm. Now the fun REALLY starts. It’s feast or famine: some months are good, some tight. And he worries about paying overhead and employees in addition to providing for his family.
You have mountains of sympathy from me. And please never EVER feel guilty about taking care of yourself, whether it’s a spa day or just treating yourself to a latte. Lawyer-stress is insane. Time and time again my husband has told me how valuable it is to him to have a spouse that’s (relatively)calm and not buzzing with anxiety over work. We know 2-lawyer couples, but it aint easy with a family. Right now I’m looking for a low-key part-time job to get me back in the workforce.
I’ll shut up now.
The Mom Bomb’s last blog post..Please Tell Me . . .
March 10th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Yolanda says:
perrrrfffect. and sweet. hilarious. truthful.
thank you both for sharing.
Yolanda’s last blog post..the carrot on the stick
March 25th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
Glennia says:
Awesome post. I am a lawyer, and will be paying off my student loans about the time I a) hit menopause and b) my kid is ready for college; SWEET! But, it was worth it in that the money is pretty good, and I know what things like “res ipsa loquitur” mean, because, you know it comes up so often in conversation at PTA meetings. I wasn’t married during law school, and I felt bad for the spouses of my classmates.
Good luck to you both.
Glennia’s last blog post..Giveaway on MOMocrats
April 30th, 2008 at 5:40 pm