Literary birth control.

To the outside childless observer the moosh can make hearts palpitate and fallopian tubes to twitch. Especially when she’s in one of her “moods”. You know the mood, she dances, she sings, she even tells a few jokes. She uses her manners. She poses. She hugs liberally.

OLIVE POWER. 

It’s the kind of mood that lets me sit back, relax and revel in what a freaking fantastic job I’m doing at this mothering gig as everyone OOHS! and AHHS! over how extremely awesome my kid is.

One of these moods came out while a childless newlywed couple was around to witness it.
John and the moosh

These moods are the equivalent to crack cocaine to a childless newlywed couple.

My friends were blindsided, they kept giving each other sideways glances as if to say “You and me, when we get home, we’re making ourselves one of these.”

John and the moosh 

HA! FOOLS! YOU FELL FOR IT?

See, the newlyweds weren’t around at 3:30 am when the delirious moosh took to roaming the halls turning on any light switch she could reach. Who knows how long she was up before SHE GOT A STOOL SO SHE COULD REACH THE SWITCH IN MY ROOM.

OH NO YOU DON’T!” I screamed.

I figured I had struck enough fear in her to keep her in her room until it was light outside. (That’s our rule, if it’s dark, you’re not bugging me.)

Nope, 4:45 am rolled around and I was awakened to “MAMA, YOU WANT CEREAL WITH ME? THE YELLOW KIND?”

BACK TO BED!” I shouted.

5:45 *tap tap* on my forehead. I open my eyes to her, THISCLOSETOMYFACE. “MAMA! YOU’RE AWAKE! YOU CAN PLAY WITH ME NOW!”

“BACK TO BED, IT’S. NOT. LIGHT. OUTSIDE.” I barked.

7:15 am ”Um, mama? It’s light outside.”

Now 7:15 is still early. But it’s doable. Assuming the waker upper isn’t as chipper as my waker upper.

“MAMA! YOU’RE UP! I’M SO HAPPY! LET’S HAVE CEREAL! THE YELLOW KIND! YOU CAN SIT BY ME! CAN WE WATCH THE BAT POOP SHOW? MAMA! CAN YOU GET THE LITTLE TINY DOLLS OUT FOR ME? NO, NOT THE BIG ONES, THE LITTLE ONES, THE LITTLE TEENY TINY ONES. MAMA! LET’S HAVE JUICE! I LOVE JUICE, IT’S SO YUMMY IN MY TUMMY! MAMA? WHERE’S GRANDPA? GRANDMA WENT TO CLASS. MAMA? I LIVE IN INDIANA, DADDY’S AT CLASS. MAMA! IT’S LIGHT OUTSIDE! TIME TO WAKE UP! YAAAAAAYYYY!!!!”

Remember when my kid was a quiet two year old and it was my nephew that was driving me to drink? Well now I have one of my very own, that I don’t EVER have to give back.

*ahem*

And to you my dear newlyweds, I wish you all the babies in the world, TONS OF THEM. In all their loud early morning chipper glory. You had just better thank your lucky stars I didn’t text the crap out of that perdy little iPhone of yours at 4 am. BECAUSE I SERIOUSLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

As for the early morning renegade?

Lockdown in the house of moosh. 

I’ve got it covered.

The one where the lonely Mormon references Lent.

Lent.

40 days.

40 days that represent the time Jesus spent in the desert, where, according to the Bible, he endured the temptation of Satan.

Tough right?
What about the 40 days I’m spending in Utah without my make out buddy husband?

I know it’s not Ash Wednesday or Holy Thursday and I’m not even Catholic, but it is ovulation day. And you ladies know what’s up on O day. (TMI? Sorry.)

25 more days.

25 more nights with a body pillow as my only bed fellow.

If my body pillow could talk it would definitely be saying “BACK OFF LADY.”

25 more days until this…

Airport Reunion 

I know there’s some Military wives out there who read my blathering.

HOW. DO. YOU. DO. THIS?

Gah.

Kimtastic! strikes! again!

I know, I know, you’re all kinds of sick of hearing about my BFF photographer friend Kim and I just KNOW you’re sick of looking at all the spectacular photos she takes, BUT SHE DID IT AGAIN!

jumping.jpg

This time with my Sissy, Tiny Grandma , the moosh and me.

Go here to see the rest. Go here to book her for yourself.

To think I almost succumbed to the NaBloPoMo undertow.

HA! You can’t get me NaBloPoMo! I may be high as a friggin kite on Dramamine from a cross state drive in a friggin snowstorm but I friggin made it in time to post.

So there.

Ha.

Perhaps lucidity will find me overnight.

Because the last time I had this much Dramamine I slammed my face into a glass wall.

I faked it because he was hot.

 I really didn’t have a choice.

Cody and I don’t have insurance. We go to the teaching hospital on the school’s campus if we need any medical attention.

Did you know that the next generation of doctors are a bunch of smokin’ fine hotties?

Neither did I until I had to go in and inquire about a particularly embarrassing feminine issue.

*knock knock*

“Well hello Mrs. Moosh. I’m Dr. Hottie and these are my students Dr. EvenHotter, Dr. Lickable and Dr. Swoon. It says here that you’re having issues with your hoo-ha.”

WHAT? It says I have WHAT? WELL, let me just tell you that there must be some sort of MISTAKE! Because I? I HAVE A HEADACHE. Up here. See my pretty head? It hurts! That chart says I have WHAT? No no no, all that down there is like a land of golden flowers and diamond encrusted ponies, no, my problem is my head. I feel sorry for the girl that has THAT problem. My well groomed, pretty, pretty head is my problem. Ouch it hurts so bad.”

So I was treated for a fake headache by Dr. Hottie and his Dazzling trio of hunkiness.

I also made another appointment on my way out with a woman. A big, brawny, strong woman.

And made a special request that doctors not be hot anymore. That they all come out of medical school looking like haggard old grandpas.

Is that too much to ask?

********************

On another topic, I’ve been getting some good quality girl love whilst I have been here. I had my second date with the smokin’ hot Loralee from Loralee’s Looney Tunes on Saturday. In all my history of second dates, never has a second date been so wonderful. It involved a dressing room, a blow up doll, a gay man, stylists and copious amounts of sushi.

We put the WHEEE in party.

Blogtastic second date 

And on the seventh day, we had more leftover turkey.

Remember how I said Sundays here at moosh in indy were going to be all about clearing up the stereotypical fog surrounding us Mormons? Well, sorry, I got all boo hoo whiney missy over my husband who just happens to be 1,500 miles away and skipped the lesson for last week.

Again, I’m not trying to get you all to sit next to me at church, or think that I’m the greatest thing on the planet. You don’t even have to read this, free agency baby. I’m just putting honest information out there for anyone who still thinks we’re crazy misunderstood.

All of the following comes from the same talk delivered at our Church’s general conference by Elder M. Russell Ballard.

  • Mormons place particularly strong emphasis on family as the basic unit of the Church and of society. We have a deep commitment to marriage (defined as a union between one man and one woman). Polygamy, a limited practice in the early pioneer days of the Church, was discontinued in 1890, some 117 years ago.
  • Families and individuals, whether members of our faith or not, can attend Sunday services in our chapels. Here we worship together, instructing one another from the scriptures.
  • Latter-day Saint families are encouraged to hold family home evenings weekly, usually on Monday nights. This provides a regular and predictable time for parents to teach values to their children and to have fun together. We invite those not of our faith to adopt this practice with their own families.
  • The Church has auxiliary programs for women, youth, and children as a support to the family. These programs provide such things as religious instruction, opportunities for Christian service, sports, drama, music, and Scouting.
  • And there is also much focus on extended family, genealogy, and personal family history, providing young and old with a stronger sense of roots, identity, and belonging. The highest and most sacred ordinances of our faith relate to our families, both living and dead, and some of these ordinances take place in our temples.
  • One of the fruits is a longer life. Studies show that practicing Mormons are healthier and therefore live longer than the national average. In 1833 the Lord revealed to Joseph Smith the Word of Wisdom, which is the way to live in order to enjoy a long and healthy life.
  • Second, those who are married in and attend the temple regularly have a divorce rate far below the national and world average.
  • Third, we achieve an educational level that is higher than the national average.
  • Fourth, over 70,000 members volunteer at their own expense to serve for 18 to 24 months in humanitarian efforts, Church service assignments, and full-time missionary service throughout the world.
  • And fifth, we place strong emphasis on self-reliance and a solid work ethic. We encourage active involvement in our communities and in providing service to others. The Church continues to donate substantial money, goods, and services to humanitarian causes around the globe, including untold hours of labor donated by members to assist in disaster cleanup and relief.

Work ethic, humph. You meant the reason my husband is working so hard back in Indiana while the moosh and I rot away in sunshine and purple mountains majesty? Damn you work ethic, you double edged sword. (Okay, so I’m totally grateful Cody has the work ethic of a cattle dog, but sometimes it makes me feel really lazy.)

I really try to be a nice person. If someone out there is or was LDS and was a toad to you don’t let it cloud your opinion of the rest of us. The toadiness of that person was because they were a toad of a person not because we sit around in Church trying to conspire ways to make everyone else feel left out. 

Anyone, LDS or not, who follows the principles of faith, hope, charity and love is going to be good person.

Aww, look at me getting all snuggly warm and fuzzy.

Happy Sunday/day three of turkey leftovers.

The one about the new mommy crazies.

Have you ever had the driving into oncoming traffic thought pass through your head?

What stopped you?

Someone who I’ve never met divulged that this thought crosses her mind more than it should. She’s in a difficult situation, her baby is at that age where the FUN! and the NEWNESS! has worn off and she’s left feeling exhausted and cut off from the outside world. (Which is really how you should feel from the beginning but somehow that FUN! and NEWNESS! creeps in there and fogs new mommy minds.)

I remember nights pacing the hall with this new baby of mine. The one I worked so hard to get, the one I almost died for.

I really didn’t like her. She came into my life and really threw off my groove.

I distinctly remember standing in front of an enormous wood burning stove one night, seriously contemplating throwing her in it. No one would ever know, no evidence. It was perfect. I could sleep for eight straight hours.

HAH! How’s that for the new mom crazies?

Pretty good right?

Truth is I can look back on all the dark periods of my life and remember in painful detail the hurt, hopelessness and sorrow that accompanied it. It can drag me down faster than rabid cheetah.

But in the throes of darkness I, FOR THE LIFE OF ME, cannot remember what happiness feels like. I know I’ve felt it, I know it’s possible, I can even see pictures of myself happy. But it has yet to overtake the sadness.

Depression is a tricky thing, and almost anyone who’s been through it will tell you a similar story.

There’s no “snapping out of it”.

It’s consuming.

And it’s real.

So for those of you who have the oncoming traffic thought, or the baby in the fire thought, sorry. I’ve been there, a lot of us have been there. And it blows. And it may not be over for you anytime soon.

But God said “It came to pass…” not “It came to stay…”.

Promise.

Happy WalletLostGiving Day!

Have you ever had your husband lose his wallet whilst you were 1,500 miles away and couldn’t do a thing to help him fix it?
No?
Just me?
Well let me just tell you that this is me KIND OF FREAKING OUT.

*ahem*
This viddy-oh is ten minutes, but I promise you it’s worth it if you haven’t seen it. If nothing else at least watch the first thirty seconds, if you don’t laugh you can think I’m dumb.