Five things you probably shouldn’t say in front of the fertilely challenged.

1. “My husband can get me pregnant just by looking at me.”

2. “I’m so fertile I should do it for you.”

3. “I was made to have babies.”

4. “I’m going to get pregnant next month.”

5. “WHOOPS! Pregnant again!”

For those of you who have had to put a little more effort and a lot more of your heart and mind into making a baby you’re nodding your head. For those of you who just happen to be walking incubators let me tell you why being a difficult knock up sucks sweaty goat balls.

Clomid. If you like feeling like a hormonally out of control crazy lady with a heavy side of hot flashes and a dash of insane this is the medication for you. But if you like to feel like a normal human being, Clomid and you won’t be very good friends.

The excessive poking and prodding. “Hmm? Let’s shoot ink up her tubes and x-ray them! Nothing? Well, lets shoot her belly full of air and stick a little camera through her bellybutton, that shouldn’t be uncomfortable! Nothing still? Let’s spread her wide and take an enormous chunk out of her cervix out with a burning piece of wire! STILL NOTHING? Well then let’s put her on a pill that makes her feel like a hormonally out of control crazy lady with a heavy side of hot flashes and a dash of insanity. And, AND! while she’s taking the pill lets give her extra shots in her tender flesh and take her blood regularly to see what’s going on in there! Our own little infertile guinea pig! Hooray for science!”

Military scheduled sex. When you’re 16 “they” tell you that “You can get pregnant on any day of your period!” But when you’re a difficult knock up it’s really only a four minute window between the hours of 2:34 am and 2:38 am on the thirteenth day after the day before your period started compared to the month before it was supposed to end. All this leads to basal temperatures and mucous readings and ovulation test kits and scheduled sex. All of which are about as far from sexy as you can get.

Every month is a waiting game. Anyone who has tried to get pregnant knows the “signs of ovulation”. Anyone who has had to REALLY try to get pregnant knows that as soon as those signs are over and done with it’s a waiting game. You count down the hours to that first cramp, you may even take a few dozen pregnancy tests in anticipation. And if your period dares to be a day late? THE ANXIETY THAT COMES COULD KILL A SMALL PONY. If you’re not pregnant? It’s another thirteen day countdown to that four minute window.

Everyone else is pregnant. Yep, I’m looking at you. I have 27 friends who are either pregnant or just got done being pregnant in the last month. Horny little baby making buggers.

It took me three years of no birth control and six months on Clomid (along with all that other stuff) to get knocked up with the moosh. It became so routine that one night I even ran my to do list past Cody while he was doing what needed to be done. “Did you remember to record The Sopranos?” will go down in history as the least sexy thing ever said in our marriage.

Here I am, the moosh is almost three. No health insurance to speak of and none coming anytime soon. Do I feel guilty that my kids are going to be at least four years apart (minimum)? Of course, I’m a mom, I feel guilty, it’s in our job description. Do I even want another kid? Pregnancy isn’t exactly a cakewalk for me once it does happen. Do I just want another one because I can’t? If I were an easy knock up would I feel the same? I do know this, it’s not fair. You hear me? IT’S NOT FAIR. It’s not fair that baby making can’t be a spontaneous decision between my husband and me. It has to be a very well planned out and expensive decision among not only us, but by several doctors too. And I don’t even have it that bad. I didn’t ever have to go the route of IVF, sperm or egg donation. If I ever did have to go that far would I? Or would I stay grateful for my one little contribution to society asleep in the other room? the moosh is shortchanged on siblings, the husband is shortchanged on heirs. But how much is about them and how much is about me? It’s my uterus that has to go through the beating.

Now I’m rambling. See how flummoxed I am?

Kel asked back in my request for NaBloPoMo questions:

“…your August entry on “the difficult knock up” hit home… perhaps you could write more on that for those of us struggling with the same diagnoses, if you’re feeling serious / in the mood for sharing. It’s a bit scary sometimes and words from someone who has gone through this would be appreciated by many readers, I’m sure.

Is this true? Does this put any of your souls to rest knowing you’re not the only one on the block with a stubborn reproductive system? I hope so. My brow is knitted, my shoulders are tense. Five days to the thirteenth day after the fourth day of my cycle beginning. Or something like that.

Hugs and sloppy kisses to my sisters with bunk lady parts.

**********************

Kerflop wrote about the taboo subject of our religion yesterday too. (we obviously both subscribe to the same brand of crazy.) She deserves an award for segueing from sacred undergarments to doing it on a trampoline in the same post.

I heart Kerflop.

Comments

  1. open mouth. insert both feet. and sometimes i think of you and your adorable curly headed daughter and wonder what it would be like to give any one of my three beautiful children the undivided attention you are able to give.

  2. I hear ya sista!
    Everyone in NWI is pregnant right now. It sucks monkey balls, yes monkey balls, just thinking about it.

    Damn, I think my uterus hurts now. Infertility does suck.

  3. I can not say thank you enough for this post. I will start my first round of clomid on the 5th day of my next cycle. I totally feel broken and it sucks. Not to mention EVERYONE around me is either pregnant or just had a baby this last week. Thanks for sharing your experience!

  4. AMEN!

  5. 2 kids – happened first month of “trying”

    fast forward 3.5 years later – 3 miscarriages and 2 D&C’s in the last 9 months. unexplained infertility. go figure

    7 friends had kids in the last 4 months. 4 are prego now.

    life sometimes sucks –

    rock on!

    Jill’s last blog post..All in The Name of Beauty

  6. It was so refreshing to read yourr post. My husband and I will celebrate our 5 year wedding anniversary on Saturday, still no kids for us. I think it’s hard for people to understand just how hard it is for people like us. I have various female issues, all which contribute to our difficulties. We’ll probably try again here within the next year or so. What really kills me is when the people closest to me ask me when they will get grandchildren… I think they should at least understand. But what do I know, why should I expect them to know how it feels. Again, thanks for your post. It put a lot of my feelings into words. Also shout out to all 18 people I know who have had children without difficulties in the last 6 months. Thanks for making it easy!

    Erika’s last blog post..Carmel High School Class of 2008

  7. I guess by now you can see by the amount of comments you’ve had on this one entry that there is a tight sisterhood of women out there who know exactly how you feel. It sucks…plain and simple. Can’t say I’m glad you are part of the club but I am proud to have someone give us a voice. Thanks.

    Mandys last blog post..Is it ok if I don’t care if I’m destroying the Earth?

  8. So, I saw this over in the “Bored, try this” section, and didn’t realize until the page changed that it was a Moosh post. WOW! I know that God made me miss that week of reading your posts because I would have been over the edge. The day you posted this would have been exactly one week after my first child’s 1st birthday. But sadly, that baby went to Heaven before I could meet him/her. It was 18 months of infertility before I finally got that + on the Dollar Tree test (yes, I should have also bought stock in them), and at my first u/s I found out that the heart had stopped 2 weeks before. She/He was a ClomAd baby, the 3rd cycle. My ob/gyn had read the 21day progesterone level and referred me to the specialist…”it doesn’t look like this is going to be your month again.” It was, but it was very short lived celebration. It’s been 26 more months of Dollar Tree – tests. We finally moved on to the specialist just for him to say, “You work on drugs, lets give you more so that you can be even better/crazier. Your O.B. on the other hand, he doesn’t work so well.” Will the O.B. torture himself with less than 1/10th the testing that we women go through????? NOOOOOO! So, on we go…temping, charting, checking for CM, OPK’ing, spitting on a mini microscope and looking for plant life, counting the days, then dragging our DH’s to BD everyother day from cd8-cd18 (just to be sure that all the other tests weren’t wrong).

    UGH!!! Sorry, about the rant on your post Casey, I’m in the TWW of a medicated cycle again.

  9. I’ve been in this battle for 6 3/4 years, with still no luck. It helps to know you’re not completely alone.

  10. I know it’s been almost a year since you wrote this, but hey, I just found it today. It will be 5 years in Oct for me. No baby. I’m past the point of being sick of the poking and pill poping. Anyway, thanks for sharing.

  11. I am so glad I found this blog, I woke up this morning to AF two weeks late. :( I thought it was finally going to happen. Its good to now feel so alone.

  12. I have PCOS which causes infertility (along with a million other nasty symptoms such as obesity, heart disease, stroke, hair growth in places you don’t want hair to grow and hair loss from the top of your head, diabetes, abdominal pain, headaches, and a whole laundry list of other symptoms). I got pregnant in 2000 but had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. It is unlikely that I will get pregnant again, but I’m not giving up. I always love it when people say, “So when are you going to have some kids?” as if it is some concious decision on my part to not have kids. I don’t think it ever occurs to them that there may be a reason that I don’t have any children after being married for 10 years that is beyond my control.

    Melissas last blog post..Why Does the Cold & Flu Season Coincide with the Holiday Season?

  13. Found your blog while blog stalking from my friends blog… all I can say is, reading your story felt like I was reading my own story. We’ve got one little one, 20 months old, and I am in the same boat. I am going in for more poking and prodding after the new year. I don’t want to go through it all again, but also don’t want my daughter to be an only child. Good luck with your journey… and I hope “crazy clomid lady” (as my husband calls it…) doesn’t come and visit at your house!

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