moosh in indy. » The one about the overdose.

November 19, 2007

I overdosed on prescription medication when I was seven months pregnant.

On purpose.

I didn’t want to be pregnant anymore. Pregnancy was (literally) killing me. I hadn’t eaten more than a half cup of food at a sitting in seven months. Ninety percent of what went into my mouth came back out. Every muscle in my body ached from dry heaving. My throat was constantly scratchy from vomiting up bile. Every smell was toxic.

And no one believed that I truly was sick.

One woman told me I was eating the wrong kind of crackers. Other people said I was being over-dramatic. Several people thought I was faking. Cody thought I was a wimp.

I didn’t even know if I wanted a kid all that much, I mentally could not get myself excited about having a baby.

The depression built gradually (I am bipolar). I told myself to go to sleep and I’d feel better in the morning. One morning I didn’t feel better, I felt worse. I called into work, got a glass of water and took well over a dozen pills, plus Zofran and a sleeping pill, so I could fall asleep while it happened and not vomit up all that I had just taken.

Cody found me an hour later.

I don’t remember much of the next 12 hours. I woke up in an ER, monitors and sensors all over my body.

And Cody was sitting by my side. Completely helpless to what his wife had tried to do to his baby.

A social worker came in and told me I would be going to a different hospital for some inpatient monitoring. And that I would be going there by ambulance.

I realized while I was lying on the gurney that I was being buzzed into an area of the hospital I had never been in before. I smelled cigarette smoke.

The only reason to smell cigarette smoke inside a hospital is if the people inside aren’t allowed outside.

That’s when I realized I was in the psych ward.

I was wheeled down a quiet hall to a sterile room. My shoelaces were taken, and I was told to wait for a nurse who would read me the rules.

The rules went something like “if you don’t eat, we have ways of making you eat, if you don’t listen to us we have ways of making you listen.” And then I was told the visiting hours.

Visiting hours. An hour a day. I’d only get to see Cody an hour a day.

Cody was allowed to come in, bring me a few things from home and say goodbye.

And then I was left all alone. Alone except for the nurses that checked in on me every hour.

I wasn’t allowed to sleep with the door closed. A woman woke up screaming in the middle of the night about killing her husband.

I have never been so scared.

I had an OB, an OB nurse, a nutritionist, a psychiatrist, a therapist, a pediatrician a social worker and a perinatologist that checked in on me regularly. I had to go to three group therapy sessions a day and two private sessions a day. There was an arts and crafts hour where doctors took notes on how each patient interacted with each other.

Some patients had deep wounds that were stapled shut and bandaged, others had charcoal stains around their lips. I sat in my room most of the day staring down at the street I used to play on as a kid. Staring at all the people with normal lives, going about completely unaware that I was stuck there up alone.

It was the darkest, most miserable situation I have ever been in. Humans shouldn’t be treated like that. If I learned nothing else while there for three days I learned that I never want to go back.

I couldn’t tell anyone where I had been, I was ashamed. No one likes a baby killer. Why would I ever admit to being one? But the people who did know finally believed me. Finally believed the hell it was being trapped inside my pregnant body.

I was ashamed of all of this until recently. I made a mistake. I’m human. And the Lord obviously wants to keep the moosh and me here or we would have had toe tags that cold day in September. There’s no logical medical reason why the moosh came out from that perfectly healthy. And for this I am grateful.

I am not ashamed now because I have a message, if someone says they’re not doing so well, please listen. I tried to tell someone that I was not well a week before this happened. They brushed it off as pregnancy hormones and sleepiness. I didn’t want to push, maybe it was just pregnancy after all. But that’s just my point, those who truly need your help will rarely shout for it. They will suffer silently hoping somebody, anybody will notice. Those who are truly hurting will not want to draw attention to themselves.

I didn’t want to be a burden or seen as a complainer. So I tried to figure it all out myself.

And I failed.

But I was blessed through my failure.

Not everyone is so lucky.

Comments off.

I’m so sorry.

Psych wards scare the daylights out of me. I knwo what it takes to get to that point, and I’m very sorry that you’ve been there.

Normal people simply do not understand what pregnancy hormones added to the hell of HG (not to mention the fact that people’s brains? they cannot work properly when they are being STARVED)can do to an otherwise functioning human being.

I can remember feeling completely insane at some points of dehydration and malnutrition with my son. If I had been dealing with the depression that wa sto come at the same time- well, let’s just say that i totally get how you got there.

Very brave of you to share.

Oh man! I’m so sorry, but so glad you made it through and you are giving this message because it is definitely needed.

And yes, very brave to put this out there. I don’t know if I’ll ever be brave enough to share my psych ward story. It’s something that could really help to be told, which is why I’m glad you’re doing it.

And now I can’t figure out exactly what it is that keeps me from wanting to share that crazy portion of my life. What is it that allows you to write so freely about these things?

Oh my goodness. Bless your heart. I would say it’s pretty obvious God has bigger plans for you (and the little one). I’m so impressed and awed by your ability to share this.

Having experienced hyperemesis three times and I am appalled at how little help there is available for us. Yes, take a woman suffering from severe ante-natal depression, starving, and stick her in a psyche ward. It was hard to get anyone to believe me, the midwife with my first pregnancy was all, “Oh, you’re still throwing up? Oh, you’re puking 20 times a day? Have you tried saltines?

SALTINES. It’s hard for me, to this day to walk past the boxes of Saltines at the grocery store without knocking them all off the shelves and stomping on them repeatedly.

I’m very happy you didn’t become a statistic. Thank you for sharing.

Oh wow.
I’m glad you shared. I’m glad you see it as a “mission” of sorts to share. Share and share and share some more.

I’ve had sickness, but NOT what you experienced. And even what I experienced was too much - made me repeat over and over I’d rather birth a baby 3x than experience 9 months of THAT.

I’m so glad you made it - and like Kerflop said, that you’re not a statistic.

Blessings.

wow. I am SO glad you made it. this is a very brave post.

Oh no… I’m so sorry you were put through that. How absolutely awful. Honestly, I would have never even thought that someone who seems so “sane” would do that, but what a great message. What a powerful message… it’s hard to think that everyone is “perfect” we all have our demons. Thank you. Thank you for sharing part of yours and sending the message out to everyone.

Oh my goosh. What a revelation. I just blogged about my similar currently pregnant situation today. It’s good to hear that I’m not alone in my pain.

Holy shit! I am so sorry you had to deal with that alone. Nobody should. I admire your ability to share. By posting that you may have just saved another mom and baby. Keep up the good work, I love your blog!

Oh Casey I hate that you went through all that after trying so damn hard to get pregnant- that’s some fu^%ed up cosmic joke! I’m glad you made it through, that you and Cody are still holding on tight, that moosh is here to give you strength and that you are here to help others who might not understand what they’re going through.

I am in awe of your ability to share! Your so brave, but thankfully you did share because some woman out there may read this and be encouraged. The Moosh is very lucky you are her mother!

Casey, That was so powerful. Your insight and courage are amazing. I don’t really know what else to say. THANK YOU for sharing this. THANK YOU.

Gosh Casey, I don’t know what to say except that is an exceptionally powerful piece right here. Wow.

You are a brave woman. I give you a lot of credit for having the strength to write this and put it out there.

Cody is one stand up guy and a true son of God. You have been blessed with a great husband a beautiful child.

I am thankful that Cody found you and you are here to write this and open other’s eyes so warning signs don’t get brushed off lightly.

Thank You.

I haven’t ever experienced the depths of what you went through and I can’t say enough how much I admire your courage in being so honest with friends and strangers (like me). Reading true honesty like this from people I admire makes me realize that its ok that I have my own problems (anxiety) and its completely ok that I asked for and thankfully am receiving the help that I need. It doesn’t make me weak or bad just a person with a fault getting the help she needs. Thanks for this really touching post!

Wow.

Yeah, it’s clear some higher power was on your side that day. I’m glad everything turned out OK, and that you are strong enough to tell that story. It’s one that will hopefully reach out to others and may prevent this from happening to someone else.

Having been through some pretty rough depression, I know how dark it can seem and how hopeless you can become. It’s so important for someone to notice before it’s too late.

Wow, this was very brave of you to post so thank you for it.

Brave, brave you are my dear. I’m so sorry there wasn’t help for you. Thank God you and the moosh are OK!! She’s blessed to have you as a mom.

Thanks for writing this, C. For good or bad there are people out there who understand, to a point, what you went through.

This should make you chuckle: While meeting with my new doctor the other day, after telling her I couldn’t eat - literally, could not eat - she told me to eat small meals. I wanted to stuff my urine specimen down her throat.

casey, this is an amazing, heartbreaking, very very brave post.

thank you for it.

Your courage is amazing. To have gone through that and to be able to share it so openly. You and your girl are truly protected.

As with all PP, I agree that this post took amazing bravery on your part.

I visited my bipolar boyfriend in a state pscyh ward for a month many years ago, so I have an inkling of what it’s like in there, and what being bipolar is about too. You’re a tough chick, Casey.

I cried as I read this and applaud you for sharing.

So much I wanted to say but don’t know where to start nor do I have your way with words if I did.

Thank you.

Very, very brave. I went through some rough (very rough) stuff post-partum and most people don’t know anything about it because I’m not brave enough to say. This gives me pause to think about it a bit more.
thanks.

Thank you for sharing this with us. Depression by itself is hard, but when you add pregnancy hormones, dehydration and all that nausea and vomiting, it is like a ticking bomb. Hopefully, your bravery in telling your story will help others.

Fran

Thank you for sharing. For being brave and honest.

I’m so glad you are still here, even if I’m a stranger.

And I hope you are as proud of yourself as you should be.

What a brave and honest post. Thank you for that message.

You say you were ashamed of this until recently; I can understand that. As a religious person I always found it extremely difficult to forgive myself for my mistakes - especially when there was ample judgment for any person who didn’t easily get it right in life. I don’t really see what you did as a mistake, though. I see it more as drastic action taken by a very ill person who was receiving no medical help and - as bad if not worse - no emotional support to help her cope with a disease. In your case - two diseases! Depression and hyperemesis. The stigma and shame that surrounds suicide is really just an extension of the stigma and shame that surrounds depression. I’m just saying that I don’t think you had as much forgiving to do of yourself as you did of the people who could have helped sooner but didn’t.

I’m annoying. I should shut up.

I love that the moosh was born unharmed (that’s a miracle, and you deserve it) and that you have such a good and happy life with her and Cody. Thanks so much for the message about the disease, I honestly had never heard about it before I learned about it here.

Oh, Casey I am so sorry. I am touched by your story and very proud of you for sharing it.
You are not a baby killer. I am.

I have read your blog for a while but have never commented. I had to comment on this. This story made me cry. You are so brave for sharing your story. What an incredible message - if some needs help, listen! I am glad that everything turned out well for you and your family.

Somedays I’m not sure if this is me or someone I know. There’s a lady in my bible study who’s pregnant with her 3rd and has HE. She’s had to have two lines implanted (the first one she rejected) just so she can stay somewhat hydrated as she can’t eat anything. We do what we can as mom’s to support her, but I can’t even imagine what that would be like considering my pregnancy was easy (it was the after part that was hard).
Other days I wonder how easy would it be just to drive into oncoming traffic. I don’t want to be a burden to my friends and family and I wonder how much they would miss me if I were gone. Would they just go on about their lives not having to think about someone needing something from them?
Some days the only thing that keeps me from doing that is the fact that my baby’s in the back seat. And if he’s not then knowing that he would need me to feed him and I wouldn’t be there.
Not that I ever want to be in a psych ward, but somedays life just sucks.

I had a similar experience, my whole teenage life i tried to kill myself, pills, cutting, drugs, alcohol etc…. but when I found myself pregnant with twins when i was 15 and the father who verbally abused me left me and told me to go to hell, I took about half to three fourths of a bottle of advil and drank Vodka. My mom found me passed out on the bed, I dont remember much but being in the hospital, loosing the babies, and having to go to a physciologist. I think I spent pretty much everyday after that until I joined the church and went to AA drunk. I didn’t want to think about what I had done, and I still dont, I have nightmares about it and only my Mom and my Husband knows…..well now you and the world, but no one knows my name

I lost a friend to suicide on April 10th. Hang in there-the battle is worth fighting!

Glad you’re with us-you are a brave lady.

I am in awe of you.

even more so now.

The Lord knows you. He knew the world needed casey…glad you made it.

Oh Casey.
This makes me cry.

I’m so happy you are figuring all this out…it’s very difficult. I know.

You are reaching someone with this post. You are reaching many with this post…If not today, then another day, when they need it most…

wow. that’s just about all i can say. wow.

Casey, (((you))). Thank you so much for writing about this. It takes a lot of courage to talk about depression even when there isn’t a child involved.

I’m also incredibly angry that no one would listen to you. But I can believe it.

A good friend of mine lost her battle with depression in June. I have another good friend who nearly lost her battle last weekend, on the birthdate of our friend who had died. She kept telling me she was fine, and I knew she wasn’t. She still tells me to this day she is fine, and I know she’s not (she is bipolar as well, but not pregnant). Thank you for posting this. I’m so glad you were not a statistic.

Yo kid, sorry you went through that but excellent way of channeling things in a positive direction. Great post.

Like everyone else, I think you are incredible and so brave for writing so honestly. What a journey to get to this point, where you can openly share. Amazing.

Wow, just wow. It is important that stories like this are told because there are probably other women that are suffering silently and your story will help them to know they are not alone and their family member to better help them (by listening)
What a scary ordeal , but how amazing and wonderful that you came out of it relatively unscathed (I imagine there is still some emotional scarring from being in a place like that) and that you’re willing to share it with others.
Thank you for being brave enough and I’m glad you’re here now.

I am so impressed that you could write this, that you could recover from and learn from the experience. What a terrible, terrible thing to go through.

Hats off to you, you powerful woman, powerful mother, you.

You are so brave. Thank You. I have never battled with depression until I was pregnant with my son. I missed months of my daughter growing up, I couldn’t turn my head, hold a conversation, talk on the phone, read, everything made me throw up. It’s amazing what getting no sleep, no water and no food can do to you. It’s a horrible feeling to be pregnant and not want it, especially when you feel like you should. Now that my son is year old and starting to sleep at night, I finally feel like I’m normalizing. Thank You.

That was very brave of you to share, thank you for sharing that with all of us. I couldn’t imagine the constant vomiting and feeling that everything was out of control, and that being pregnant was causing it. It’s wonderful that you and the Moosh came out of it unscathed. Man oh man..I’m so sorry you had to go through that.

I love you and I’m so glad you and The Moosh are here.

Thank you so very much for sharing this Casey!

Wow. What a powerful story. Thank you for sharing.

Wow. Thank you for sharing your story. It’s very powerful and moving.

I’m so impressed by your bravery in telling your story. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Beautiful beautiful beautiful. I am grateful you are here.

I’m glad you shared that story.. and am glad you are both here today. Good for you for sharing. More people need to hear these things.

thank you so much for sharing that incredibly painful and intimate moment in your life. you are courageous. when i got pregnant for the first time, i thought it was going to be all teddy bears and rose petals. but it wasn’t. no one told me that and i wasn’t prepared. for the mood swings, the sadness, the crying, the doubt.

I remember when you told me this in Chicago and I didn’t know what to say then so I said nothing. I’m sorry Casey and I’m glad that you and Moosh survived. God was watching over you.

I don’t know anything about pregnancy and I don’t know much about depression. But I do know that the world changes for the better when we tell the truth about our experiences.

You done good.

Bless you and your family.

Casey - I had no idea. I’m so very sorry. And so very happy that your sweet Moosh is here and you made it through that horrible pregnancy alright. Love ya, girl.

this is incredible! so glad that you and moosh are safe now! and that you can stand firm as a supporter to the women out there that are suffering, giving them a voice.

what a post, casey. this was so heartbreaking. and a lesson learned the hard way, for sure.
thank you for sharing your story.
your strength is inspiring and your perspective well-earned. i’m so sorry you had to live through this.

Thank you for sharing about that crappy, horrible time in your life. It’s good to be reminded that people don’t usually shout for help. I’m glad you and moosh made it through that.

I have been reading for a month or so now. I had to come of of lurking to comment on this one.

What an amazingly brave woman you are. I am in awe of the strength of character a post like this takes.

I had severe HE with both of my pregnancies. It is a misery I don’t think can be fully understood unless you have experienced it. I remember at one point, lying face down in the carpet in the hallway outside the bathroom, and telling my husband I wanted to die. I think he thought I was exaggerating. I wasn’t. I don’t know if I was thinking suicide, but I do know I just wanted to be….gone. Just gone. I would have done anything to have it be over. I can only imagine what throwing depression into the mix could cause.
I’m so glad you and the moosh are here and healthy.
This is one of the most amazing post I have ever read. No joke.

so glad you’re still here - and so glad you shared the story. You’re awesome.

You are so brave. I tried to commit suicide (due to PPD) when my son was 5 months old. Like you, I had told people I wasn’t doing well, but no one listened. I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder a few months later and have done much better since.

You are amazing. The moosh and Cody are both luck to have you in their lives.

Oh sweetie. I am so very, very glad that Cody found you and that it wasn’t too late. And I’m so glad you shared this story, even though I’m sure it was hard to write. You’ve probably helped more people than you realize by writing this. Big hugs for you and Moosh.

You are amazing. Thanks, as always, for being brave enough to share this. We ALL need to listen. And to speak up.

Thanks for putting this into words. I never had problems with depression, serious ones anyway, until I was pregnant. Then it didn’t go away and got worse the second time. So my husband and I got fixed and I got help and found out that I’m bipolar. Its so strange and well mostly scary having that diagnosis. Being told all the “standard stuff” they tell to bipolar patients, like warnings about not overdosing with your lithium etc. Knowing you’re fertile myrtle and unable to have more kids. But mostly its knowing that its better you got it diagnosed young, 25, than older because without treatment you just get worse. I’m glad you made it. And I’m glad you had the courage to share the story.

You’re amazingly brave to share this, but I totally understand you reason. If only we would listen more to each other — really listen — and be there for people when they need us.

Wow. You are so blessed, and it makes me so angry the way pregnant women are brushed off. Thank you for telling your story, I’m sure there are many women who need to hear it.

Wow. Thanks for sharing that. Depression is a soul-sucking bitch that many people just refuse to see but depression when you’re pregnant is a whole other ball of wax, something that practically no one wants to address or admit happens. They want you to be this happy, goofy, glowing woman and for a lot of women, that’s just not possible.

I very nearly tried that, too. I still don’t know what stopped me.

You aren’t alone. No one caught what I was doing to my body while pregnant and thankfully baby came out okay. I’m so very glad you told this story because now I know that I am not alone either. Thank you beyond words.

Having recently worked at a high-risk perinatology office I only saw things from one side. It was so hard to be involved in calling CPS and only know half the story, the side that never really makes any sense. It’s amazing and heartbreakingly hopeful to hear your story. I’m so glad you are both better than fine. Love to you and Moosh.

I’m so sorry you had to go through that, and I am glad that you and your baby are fine, now.

What strikes me is that in 69 comments, only one person mentioned the medical term for what you had, which was most likely Hyperemesis Gravidarum. I continue to appalled at the level of accurate medical care for women in this country, and the ease with which people, medical and non, BLAME women for their illnesses (like Fibromyalgia and other illnesses that are “typically” or exclusively female). If you had been ACCURATELY diagnosed, you would have been treated appropriately and not told to “suck it up and have a cracker.”

So, know this: the psych ward was not where you belonged. Yes, you were depressed, yes you tried to commit suicide, and yes, the psych ward would normally be the right course of action. But you were PHYSICALLY ill, and no one treated you. Being forced to eat by Nurse Ratchet was NOT the way for you to get better. YOUR ILLNESS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. And, just so you know, you are not the first woman to attempt suicide because of this disease.

Your strength is inspiring.

You are a strong woman. Thanks for sharing this. I am sure there is a “reason” that you are the moosh’s mother.

[...] science experiment, how I lost all the weight, what a raging bitch I was when pregnant, how I overdosed when I was pregnant, how I almost threw my kid in a fire, that I dislike Utah, I have a best friend who takes lovely [...]

Goodness girl, you’ve been through a lot.
People just don’t understand that the guidelines for “morning sickness” don’t apply when you can’t even swallow your own saliva without wretching.

I actually was desperate enough to consider abortion to stop the vomiting, but it finally got better. I was honest with my kids about it though. Give me childbirth 10 times a day, but pregnancy is a killer.

You’re a brave woman…I’m still ashamed to tell anyone some of the things I ‘almost’ did or wanted to do to my sweet baby 3yrs ago when I had bad PPD…..
Depression really does change you. you can’t think straight…you can’t act sanely….
I never had the bad pregnancies…I have the bad POST PARDUM PERIOD…it takes A LOT to keep myself from jumping off a bridge….but you’re right..people dont’ understand and no one really knows how serious it is…they just don’t get it…
Bless you for sharing this….

[...] The Overdose. [...]

Last night, I put my daughter in the children’s psych ward. She asked for help and is not getting it. I don’t think it was an accident that Stumble Upon led me to your site today.

Wow…is all I can say. You are very lucky. I had a girlfriend who was pregnant and both times was extremely sick, so the extend that you explained yourself. Finally she went to talk to the doctor about it and he admitted her telling her doubtful husband and mother that this could be fatal. No one believed her and brushed it off, until she finally sought the help herself.

My heart goes out to you and to your family. My wife went into the psyche ward (self admitted, thankfully) when she was about four months pregnant with our first child. It’s traumatic not just for you, but your family as well. I can tell you that I felt like I was halfway to the psyche ward myself while my wife stayed there. Coming home after work to an empty house after having my wife welcome me home for so long was a sad thing to endure. I don’t think either of us slept a wink while she was in. I can only imagine how my wife felt. I’m kinda rambling now. Please, do me a favor and tell your husband that he is a brave and courageous fellow. Also, if you ever start to think that the people in your life would just not notice if you were gone, take it from me that they would notice!

I recently lost a friend, her ten month old, and her unborn baby to what may be suicide. We may never know; my rural area doesn’t have the equipment or manpower to make the call. I wish I had seen a sign. All I can do now is watch other friends more carefully during the difficult season that is new motherhood. Please keep telling your story, this illusion of perfection perpetuated by media is killing people and breaking the hearts of those left behind.

Heather’s last blog post..Bread Making and the Stand Mixer

Thank you for sharing. Beautiful in its honesty.

I some how doubt you will ever realize the number of people you helped with this post but trust me the number is high.

[...] The Overdose. [...]

I almost had a nervous breakdown near the end of my pregnancy for many reasons.I give u total kudos for putting this out there-you are so much stronger than you ever thought-or maybe you already know that!

I had a major depressive episode when I was 8 weeks pregnant. Its a hell that you can only understand if you have been there. I’m so happy that you found your way out and everything turned out okay in the end. You are a very strong person.

*Sigh* This is why it is SO important that womyn not only continue to have access to abortion services, but that said services are kept culturally available as well. That is, no one should feel that they have to continue to endure this type of a situation because the alternative of helping themselves is somehow “wrong” or even equivalent to murder. Or worse, be pushed to try to take care of it themselves, as in your situation.

I am so sorry that you had to go through this… and I am glad that you’re here and happy now. Both of you.

wow when i read this it sounded exactly like me. excpet the pregnant part. im a guy so i dont 100% understand what you went through but for the phych ward i do. I am so scared of pych wards its not even funny. But on the other hand im glad taht i went and if i can say this im glad you went to. when i got out after exactly 38 hours i felt blessed with information that many would not understand. I felt like i could relate to people going through a hard time and empathise with them. and when i read this it seemed like you brought somthing valuable bacik from your experiance. because of my experiance with clinical depression and anxiety i have chosen to become a psych nurse. Its amazing how many people will open up when they realize taht you have gone through somthing hard in your life to. I hope you are happy as well as your family. Btw i think you look pretty.

Thanks for sharing this… I like to think that by posting this and telling all of us random readers, that you have felt a little bit of a weight lifted off your shoulders. Sometimes its hard for people to talk about experiences like this, and its great to see that you have overcome that hurdle. Kudos!

oh and btw… not sure why you call your daughter The Moosh, but I myself call my daughter moosh or mooshie all the time, so I thought that was kinda funny

You are the awesome. I was never brave enough (until recently) to even tell close friends and family about that dark night when I swallowed a full new bottle of sleeping pills when I was three and a half months pregnant. You have written it here for the world to see in your blog and I tell you, even though it was a sad experience, it’s good to know that I wasn’t the only one. Today I am healthy and happy mama to one kick ass five year old but what happens to the mamas that succeed in ending their lives? I hope that any mama who does think about doing anything destructive to themselves get to read your post. They have to know they are not alone.

I am surprised that many mothers (and doctors) don’t have compassion for how much a woman goes through - physically and emotionally when she is pregnant. Before I had my daughter I had no idea. Now a lot things don’t surprise me. I don’t think that killing your baby is right by any means BUT I do feel for a mother who feels that this is the only place she can turn to. It is hard to say out loud that you hate your baby for what it is doing to you - but that is what needs to happen and there needs to be more understanding and less mental wards so things like this don’t happen to good people. I wish more women could reach out and have someone there for them - to understand and not judge!!

yeah….i’m so tired of breathing….sorry for your suffering…its the only divinity i know…

I am currently 7 months pregnant and also battled with hyperemesis. This was a very touching story to come across.

Thank heavens you & the baby are just fine.

I can’t say that this was an easy blog for me to read. My sis who is a blogee read this and said I needed to as well. I feel like I have just had a moment of all the fears pains humiliation and absolute fear I went through as well. This isnt something I ever talk about with anyone and and impressed with your bravery. I was just a girl that had a rough growing up. I too have had to be fighting depression for years and it comes and goes like it is constantly haunting my existance. I fell into the same, overdosing and having a husband and family around me in a hospital, taken to another hospital for four days. Every bit of pride lost and already in the pits. haha I laughed when you talked about your shoes laces being taken. I had that too. any bra with underwire…. gads… so many things. I can’t even go near the street still without having a panic attack from fear of going back. I know that there is also so much to deal with afterwards, so many ups and downs and being scared. I’m so impressed with you and all the work you have done. Congrats, you and your daughter and beautiful people! Dang the lds world for being a bit close minded at times and yay for you for standing out and being an amazing example of an individual and stong.

I am in awe of your beautiful, raw honesty. Thank you for such a wonderful post - Moosh is a lucky little girl to have you for her mom.

mommypie’s last blog post..Four is Officially Kicking My Ass

[...] say that knowing full well that my “difficulties” are really quite minor compared to what I could be going through. However, the constant exhaustion and near-daily nausea have really started to take their toll. I [...]

[...] The Overdose. [...]

So so many people I know have these experiences either while pregnant or postpartum and I think - if it’s this common, what can we DO about it? What can we do or say to make a difference, to help other women so it doesn’t have to be like this privately, for so many people?

Adria Sha’s last blog post..I could cry.

It’s so interesting to me that in that kind of situation, they leave you ALONE in your room for hours on end. As if that’s what we need when we are losing it. What we need most is someone telling us they love us regardless of what we did to get there and that they will love us no matter what.

Reese’s last blog post..T-6 Days and Counting…

[...] Read “The one about the overdose.“ [...]

I think you’re so strong and it’s wonderful how honest you are in this blog. Sometimes people can’t find the strength and words to get someone to notice or care. I hope this helps somebody else!

[...] The Overdose begins with these words: [...]

such an incredibly moving post. i’m so glad things turned out as they did for you, and that you had the courage to share your experience.

Wow. I’m so sorry you had to go through this! I did not like being pregnant one bit — was nauseated and exhausted most of the time. And the sleep deprivation after my baby was born made me psychotic — I didn’t quit my meds for pregnancy or breastfeeding, but was never told that sleep deprivation can bring back the worst version of your depression despite the meds. But I didn’t even know hyperemesis existed. I’m sure you’ll save some life with this post.

I’m not doing so well. I’m pregnant and due in 5 and 1/2 weeks. I’m also bipolar. It is so strange that I happened upon this post right now. My husband has taken our two year old outside for a while so I have some time to myself. Time to clean the kitchen and take a shower…you know, relax. Fuck. I don’t know if I can do this. I just started taking a new medication last week and at first it was helping but last night I went to sleep crying (again) and woke up crying (again) and today it just hurts. Tonight my husband leaves on a business trip for 4 days. Next week he’s gone for 5. This isn’t pregnancy hormones. This is pain. Thanks for sharing your story. It helps to know that there are other people out there who feel like I do, even if I don’t know who they are.

The only reason I made it through my constant pregnancy nausea was the fact that I was able to spend nearly 24/7 in bed until week 14, when I felt better. I’m now pregnant again, and the only thing that kept me going was the knowledge that it would be over soon. I’m now at week 15, and not a goddamn moment too soon.

I don’t know what I would have done had I felt a awful the entire pregnancy. I’m so sorry you did.

[...] then Casey read The Overdose and I was undone again. She got the other standing O of the [...]

[...] unprecedented. What we all go through in this life. Some of us live to tell the tale, and tell it. And in the telling, essentially, perform mouth-to-ear resuscitation to more people than we will [...]

Hello, I heard you read this at Community Keynote on Friday, and I just wanted to let you know how deeply it touched me. This was a beautiful post, and I’m so happy that you made it through this.

Heard you on Friday - you blew me away. This is an amazing and painful post.

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Thanks so much for sharing this post with us at Blogher.

Tracys last blog post..My imaginary friend

[...] The Overdose. [...]

You continue to amaze me Miss Casey. You. Are. Awesome.

Truly awesome.

AMomTwoBoyss last blog post..Sometimes Life Gets In The Way

amazingly courageous post.

i’ve learned that a lot of the painful things i’ve been through, the Lord is using for good. for a message, as you said.

xo ~K

karla | looking towards heavens last blog post..What The?! - week 33

[...] Casey: “The one about the overdose.” [...]

[...] One of my favorite parts of all was the Opening Keynote on Thursday night. A BlogHer panel judged submitted entries and chose about 20 women (and one dad) to read their post in front of 1000 of their fellow bloggers. There were different categories, and some of them were really funny but the ones that received the strongest response from the crowd were a couple of stunningly powerful readings by Yvonne from “Joy Unexpected” and Casey from “Moosh in Indy” [...]

I have to admit I this may be the first time I am reading your blog, linking back from I hope you dance. Somehow I started following you on twitter. How brave of you to post and glad you made it through. Many of us have been there and luckily made it through.

White Hot Magiks last blog post..Forgive and Forget

Where there is light there is no place for shame. Thanks for shining light in this place in your heart. I will listen because of you.

shannon martinezs last blog post..Homecoming

Thank you thank you thank you for this post (recently discovered your blog after other’s I read linked to you).

I worked for the NHS (in the UK) in Mental Health for 5 years. I also have 5 kids and had my own ups and downs. This message needs to be shouted from the roof tops in my humble opinon.

After your amazing speech at BlogHer08 - I made someone tell me where to find you.
You had me in tears… but probably not for the reason you suspect.
I, too, suffered from Hyperemesis Gravidarum. Mine got to the point where I ruptured my esophagus while vomiting on a combination of both Zofran & Phenergan and started vomiting blood along with the stomach acid.

The only reason I didn’t get to tour the psych ward right along with you is that I found a support group online. I found other women going thru the same thing. My husband believed me - although most people were clueless and stupid. Without the support system I had, the night where I was blinded in the dark by the migraine & throwing up blood into the toilet and praying for a miscarriage or death or anything to just stop the nausea was what I often refer to as my “long dark night of the soul.”

I just wanted, for a moment, while hearing you read this at BlogHer to go back in time to find that pregnant you and say “I know! But honestly? The day is in sight where you won’t feel like this 24 hrs a day - and where you will go back to eating, drinking, and swallowing and not being on IVs and anti-emetics.”

I know. Impossible. But my heart went out to you just as it still goes out to other women who go thru this. For some of us, pregnancy was the hideous ordeal that also brought us the biggest joy of our lives.

((hug))

Wow. (I missed the community keynote, so I am just reading this now.) What agony for you. I am so beyond sorry that you had to endure so much suffering. Thank God you both survived!!!

WHY on earth do they make Psych wards so horrible?!??! I mean seriously, if you are in need of a Psych ward, sounds like the Psych ward is about the LAST place that you would want to be in. It would give me the worst panic attack just imagining being trapped in there!

Janice (5 Minutes for Mom)s last blog post..Janice Interviews Alice (FinSlippy) On Video At BlogHer08

I wish I could say what I want so bad to say but I can’t. So for now, this will have to do.

Perksofbeingmes last blog post..Simply Sunday

This spoke to me so much and I’m so glad you chose to share it. When I had depression troubles I felt like I was pleading and crying for help, but looking back it probably just came across as meek complaining to those around me. I had the exact same feelings as you about not wanting to burden others. And it’s a damn hard place to be, especially when you’re already feeling so ‘wrong’ inside.

Thank you Casey, for sharing something so powerful. I think you are a strong, beautiful woman and I am so impressed with you for having the strength to write this.

Jill - GlossyVeneers last blog post..Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along-Blog

thank you.

just.. thank you

[...] Casey, “The one about the overdose.” [...]

It was the inability to get “mentally excited” about having a baby” part that got to me.It’s so hard not to second guess that, to accept that no human can override that amount of physical misery and look beyond it to the so-called “higher purpose” of it all. Whenever someone told me to concentrate on the beautiful baby inside of me I wanted to inflict pain upon them. I’m so glad your plan failed but I completely understand. Completely. Powerful post.

Oh yes, and crackers???? Don’t get me started.

Thank God you and your child are alive.

I suffered PPD after my son was born last year; it was horrible. This week, my older, 40-something brother intentionally od’d on prescriptions. He is in a psych ward, for the first time in his life, even though he has been under a psychiatrist’s care for the past 15 years. I pray he gets the help he needs.

[...] in the Community Keynote that opened BlogHer this year. She read a very moving post called “The One About The Overdose”, the video of which you can see here. She’s a great writer, fabulous photographer and has [...]

Kelly sent me here with the link as intro to your guest post. Can I just say that I completely and wholy understand this post. The whole thing. This might be the one post out of all 87,321,417 that I’ve read over the past four years that is…well, it was good.

Zoeyjanes last blog post..On bringing back cool

Thank you for writing this. It takes a lot of strength to write about these kinds of things.

I’m glad that you and your baby were okay.

caramamas last blog post..The New Alphabet

Amazing and courageous. I suffered 9 month of vomiting and nausea with my first child. I didn’t get any help at all from the medical profession. I can sympathize. I’m so glad you had a happy ending to your story!!!

Shellies last blog post..The Random Tag and What I Want to Be When I Grow Up

This is sad. Very sad. I’m sorry this had to happen to you.

Thomass last blog post..Superman’s Song — There’s A Lesson Here For All Of Us

Thank for sharing this. I’m an adoptive mom to two kids. My oldest child’s bio mom suffers from depression, among other things, and attempted suicide while pregnant with my son. I just couldn’t understand how that could possibly happen. You will never know how much I appreciate (that word sucks, actually, but it’s the best I can come up with before coffee) knowing what you went through. It makes sense now, and I can feel that much more compassion for her pain. Bless you.

Annies last blog post..Saturday morning fun

Your post made me cry. I was 16 years old when I went through a severe depression. And no one seemed to notice. I would sit in my room and cry with a knife held against my wrist. But I didn’t ask for help. I just hid in my room. I was like this for the better part of a year. How could my parents not notice that I rarely came out of my room? Your story should be a wakeup call to others that we need to pay attention to the things people say and do. Otherwise, it may be too late.

Melissas last blog post..Why Does the Cold & Flu Season Coincide with the Holiday Season?

I didn’t know this… I’m so incredibly sorry for you having to go through that. I just can not imagine. Wow- you and that moosh are destined for some great things- big or small.

Steph

Adventures In Babywearings last blog post..As Seen On Ivy

This post just changed my life.

I am you.
And what happened to you is like looking into an alternate world where I made different choices. Thank you so much for giving this story to me.
I am only 4 months pregnant, but I have been deathly sick. There have been thoughts of not wanting to be pregnant anymore, deep depression, and sometimes even suicide. My husband is in the Army…he’s gone. I’m finally coming around for the better. And I would not have gone the direction you ended up. But being severely depressed and not eating enough(to the point of being taken to the Emergency Room) the part in the story that made me cry and changed my life was the ending. It rings in my ears as eternal joy: He came out perfectly healthy, perfectly healthy. That brings me all the comfort and hope I’ll ever need for my baby.

“SALTINES. It’s hard for me, to this day to walk past the boxes of Saltines at the grocery store without knocking them all off the shelves and stomping on them repeatedly.”

–And everybody say: AMEN!!!!–

Beautiful Maddie brought me here [via Nanette]. That Post made me cry a river at work - beautiful post. Then “Superpowers of Motherhood” made me smile. So true and I’m still in the beginning. And now this post has made you so real. I was there. Not completely, but close. Thank you for being real. Just…thank you.

Gabys last blog post..Andy Stands - Video

Like Gaby, I found you via Maddie and twitter. What a wonderful post. My doctor wouldn’t listen to me when I was pregnant and in fact would chide me for not gaining weight all while I was shouting in his face that phenergan was not working. I felt so guilty that I had wanted the pregnancy so badly but feeling that bad every day was seriously making me re-think my choice, I even joked a few times about termination and not one single person took me seriously, they all poo-poo-ed it and told me it would get better. I never ignore “jokes” that people make anymore, there is usually a lot of truth behind it.

Duchess / Jenns last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Purple For Maddie

This really hit home with me because I suffer from chronic depression and mood swings, and am currently being evaluated for bipolar disorder. Things like this are never easy to admit. I frequently wonder how being pregnant will affect me, and can only imagine how hard it must have been for you. You are truly amazing for sharing this. I’m glad that you and your daughter are here with us.

Elizabeth Kaylenes last blog post..I’ve got this blogging thing down

I am 5 months and going through exactly the same thing. Last night I nearly checked myself into a hosptial to avoid taking the pills. I have gone from thinking “one week at a time” to “one day” to “one hour” and today I spent minute by minute not taking the pills.

After reading this, I realise I can’t even check myself in for my baby’s protection. There is nothing really I can do.

I hate being pregnant. I hate people who judge me for that. And I hate that asking for help can mean more trauma like in your story.

After reading this, I realise I can’t even check myself in for my baby’s protection. There is nothing really I can do.

I used to ask for help - but it has all but gotten me fired for being crazy, my family are tired of hearing about it and my poor husband is right on the edge of being able to cope. I am withdrawing into myself and am really worried that I will be i