Have you ever had the driving into oncoming traffic thought pass through your head?

What stopped you?

Someone who I’ve never met divulged that this thought crosses her mind more than it should. She’s in a difficult situation, her baby is at that age where the FUN! and the NEWNESS! has worn off and she’s left feeling exhausted and cut off from the outside world. (Which is really how you should feel from the beginning but somehow that FUN! and NEWNESS! creeps in there and fogs new mommy minds.)

I remember nights pacing the hall with this new baby of mine. The one I worked so hard to get, the one I almost died for.

I really didn’t like her. She came into my life and really threw off my groove.

I distinctly remember standing in front of an enormous wood burning stove one night, seriously contemplating throwing her in it. No one would ever know, no evidence. It was perfect. I could sleep for eight straight hours.

HAH! How’s that for the new mom crazies?

Pretty good right?

Truth is I can look back on all the dark periods of my life and remember in painful detail the hurt, hopelessness and sorrow that accompanied it. It can drag me down faster than rabid cheetah.

But in the throes of darkness I, FOR THE LIFE OF ME, cannot remember what happiness feels like. I know I’ve felt it, I know it’s possible, I can even see pictures of myself happy. But it has yet to overtake the sadness.

Depression is a tricky thing, and almost anyone who’s been through it will tell you a similar story.

There’s no “snapping out of it”.

It’s consuming.

And it’s real.

So for those of you who have the oncoming traffic thought, or the baby in the fire thought, sorry. I’ve been there, a lot of us have been there. And it blows. And it may not be over for you anytime soon.

But God said “It came to pass…” not “It came to stay…”.

Promise.

Comments

  1. Mine was ramming my car in to the side of a solid brick wall. Depression bites the big one, especially coupled with anxiety and every ounce of crap in the world falling on top of you all at the same time. I admire you. I admire the way you tell it how it was and is. Very open, candid, honest. Thank you.

  2. I love how open you are. I have a brand new baby (she’s one month old) and she is not my first but my third in just over three years. I am now dealing with awful migraines (due to hormones) that make it difficult to function even on proper amounts of sleep but make them almost maddening on the amount that I get with a newborn who needs to eat every three hours and two toddlers who still haven’t fully figured out sleeping patterns. I can FULLY understand how people have these thoughts and I am just glad that there is someone else out there who admits it and realizes even with these thoughts you can love your children more then anything in the world.
    You are an amazing person and writer, thank you for being so open and honest with people and giving them the courage to know they are not alone.

  3. Oh yes, many many many times I thought about throwing her out the window just.to.shut.her.up. she cried and cried and cried and I was all alone (well except for hubs and he was just as useless as I was)and I wanted my mommy but she was too far away (in US) and I was the mommy now- holy f%%k!! Yep makes being a woman and a mom sooo much fun- why they don’t tell you (maybe they do and you don’t believe them) that you will feel this way

  4. I swore I would never think such thoughts or do anything other than be a perfect, loving mommy. I have God to thank for His grace in keeping me from leaping over the edge or tossing my babies over it.

  5. Thank you for that post–especially the last line. And thank God for that as well.

  6. I question the sanity of any woman who is actually happy in the first few weeks after baby. I remember being so sure I would be excited after she was born. Really though I was exhausted and miserable after 48 straight hours of no sleep (thanks to codeine coupled with extreme anxiety). And don’t even get me started on the frustrations that breastfeeding caused me in those first few weeks.

    I remember the first night when she wouldn’t stop crying, and I just wanted to sleep, wondering what the hell I had done. Then when she stopped crying and Jason swore she’d stopped breathing, for a moment I wondered if that would be such a bad thing. Isn’t that awful? I still feel horrible for wishing for just one moment that she were dead.

    And yes, thankfully that all passes. The darkest of it goes away and we are left with these crazy little creatures that we love more than anything.

  7. I am grateful for how open you are too. And I’m grateful your pain passed.

  8. no sleep and your body deformed from the little one makes you go crazy

  9. I like that you say how you can’t snap out of it. It seems dumb but you really can’t will yourself to be better. And it just wears and wears on you. AGH! Seriously though what has always stopped me from driving off the road (my crazy thought) is the fact that I had a brother that committed suicide and I know how it leaves things. And I’ve almost driven myself over to the local mental hospital so that is always an option.

  10. Been there – thought all those things. Driving car into a meridian, into the side of the freeway etc. For me, unfortunately, they only went away with medication.

  11. Um, thought about stuff like this too at times. Scary shiz. Thanks for sharing!

  12. Casey, I haven’t been reading like I used to, what with the move and all. Today I sat down to get back in touch with bloggy friends like you…and reading this post made me realize how much I’ve missed you! You are amazing!

    I remember feeling that way…and, honestly, this move and our financial stresses have been so overwhelming I’m feeling a bit like that now. Your post helped me realize that, too…I’ll feel better once these boxes are unpacked or at least not stacked in every room of the house.

  13. My whole thing was fantasizing about throwing my infant daughter into the wall with such force that she would die instantly (stop crying!!!) and I could watch the blood drip down the wall. Yeah, horrible and it creeps people out now but at the time, seven years ago, I was thisclose to doing it. It, too, passed…

    I am a new reader and appreciate your candor. Thanks for sharing!

  14. My fantasy was getting in the car and driving away. For good.

    I’m all about better living through pharmaceuticals. All hail Lexapro and the gods at Forest Labs.

  15. ….the side effects of the meds scare me more than thoughts of oncoming traffic…and female hormones, they do a number on our state of mind, sometimes I could just drive off the side of the high rise bridge..not really, after a few deep breaths…I need to read more history like The Grapes of Wrath…that’ll learn me….

  16. Snap out of it? There are people in this world I’m convinced should have a 5 second delay on their mouths. Send them this way, I think you’ve seen it before, but some of your readers can probably relate.

    http://www.suburbanoblivion.com/2007/06/20/depression-a-view-from-the-inside/

  17. I’m so sorry. I’ve totally been there. Hugs!

  18. Been there. Been there. Been there. Oh yes. Nursing her in the dark and thinking, how many more months until she’s 18 and I can get rid of her? How many weeks is that? Days? What have I done, oh God I wish there was an undo button.

    But that’s all gone now. And I’m happy. But it was awful for awhile, there at the start.

  19. This is a great post. So true. I’ve been there. I’m glad you talk about it so others can read it.

  20. Depression sucks. (How’s that for deep insight?)

    And? I love your penultimate line there. Unfortunately, the phrase “This too shall pass” (that specific wording) drives me ABSOLUTELY BONKERS and I become riled with hating and rebellion… But “It came to pass, not it came to stay” — that I can do, in fact I am mightily amused by it. And even comforted — the sentiment behind it, however you word it, is sound, I know.

  21. I am a new reader and just wanted to add my 2 cents. Depression is horrible. The worst for me was the utter hopelessness combined with anger. Dying did not even seem like a break due to the LDS knowledge of after life. After 8 months of “newborn joy” I got medicated. Zoloft is one of my favorite modern inventions!!!!!! Baby number 2, I was happy but utterly exhausted. I actually enjoyed my baby.

  22. i’ve never had the new mommy crazies (though i’m sure i will once i pop one out) but i’ve definitely battled the crazies…

    in fact, i’m realllllly battling them right now.

    p.s. i love you

  23. The most ironic part of this is that once you stop fantasizing about ways to “off” the kids then you start having horrible thoughts about ways they might accidentally “off” themselves. Face it ladies, there is a reason we all end up with worry lines.

  24. What a wonderful honest post, i think most parents have been there.

  25. Dude I felt like that last night while walking with my screaming 5wk old from 1-3am. soooo true. it bites..I hATE HATE HATE tis stage..the newborn stage sucks!! I hve been SO stinkin depressed…which again is WHY I love this blog! I wish I could write so rawly…

    do you think i’m phsyco? lol..I found your blog all of 1hr ago and I can’t stop commenting…but I can relate so much and I love that someone else can put it into words without seeming like a lunatic like I would…thanks for that.
    peace.