Have you ever had the driving into oncoming traffic thought pass through your head?
What stopped you?
Someone who I’ve never met divulged that this thought crosses her mind more than it should. She’s in a difficult situation, her baby is at that age where the FUN! and the NEWNESS! has worn off and she’s left feeling exhausted and cut off from the outside world. (Which is really how you should feel from the beginning but somehow that FUN! and NEWNESS! creeps in there and fogs new mommy minds.)
I really didn’t like her. She came into my life and really threw off my groove.
I distinctly remember standing in front of an enormous wood burning stove one night, seriously contemplating throwing her in it. No one would ever know, no evidence. It was perfect. I could sleep for eight straight hours.
HAH! How’s that for the new mom crazies?
Pretty good right?
Truth is I can look back on all the dark periods of my life and remember in painful detail the hurt, hopelessness and sorrow that accompanied it. It can drag me down faster than rabid cheetah.
But in the throes of darkness I, FOR THE LIFE OF ME, cannot remember what happiness feels like. I know I’ve felt it, I know it’s possible, I can even see pictures of myself happy. But it has yet to overtake the sadness.
Depression is a tricky thing, and almost anyone who’s been through it will tell you a similar story.
There’s no “snapping out of it”.
And it’s real.
So for those of you who have the oncoming traffic thought, or the baby in the fire thought, sorry. I’ve been there, a lot of us have been there. And it blows. And it may not be over for you anytime soon.