To the outside childless observer the moosh can make hearts palpitate and fallopian tubes to twitch. Especially when she’s in one of her “moods”. You know the mood, she dances, she sings, she even tells a few jokes. She uses her manners. She poses. She hugs liberally.
It’s the kind of mood that lets me sit back, relax and revel in what a freaking fantastic job I’m doing at this mothering gig as everyone OOHS! and AHHS! over how extremely awesome my kid is.
One of these moods came out while a childless newlywed couple was around to witness it.
These moods are the equivalent to crack cocaine to a childless newlywed couple.
My friends were blindsided, they kept giving each other sideways glances as if to say “You and me, when we get home, we’re making ourselves one of these.”
HA! FOOLS! YOU FELL FOR IT?
See, the newlyweds weren’t around at 3:30 am when the delirious moosh took to roaming the halls turning on any light switch she could reach. Who knows how long she was up before SHE GOT A STOOL SO SHE COULD REACH THE SWITCH IN MY ROOM.
“OH NO YOU DON’T!” I screamed.
I figured I had struck enough fear in her to keep her in her room until it was light outside. (That’s our rule, if it’s dark, you’re not bugging me.)
Nope, 4:45 am rolled around and I was awakened to “MAMA, YOU WANT CEREAL WITH ME? THE YELLOW KIND?”
“BACK TO BED!” I shouted.
5:45 *tap tap* on my forehead. I open my eyes to her, THISCLOSETOMYFACE. “MAMA! YOU’RE AWAKE! YOU CAN PLAY WITH ME NOW!”
“BACK TO BED, IT’S. NOT. LIGHT. OUTSIDE.” I barked.
7:15 am ”Um, mama? It’s light outside.”
Now 7:15 is still early. But it’s doable. Assuming the waker upper isn’t as chipper as my waker upper.
“MAMA! YOU’RE UP! I’M SO HAPPY! LET’S HAVE CEREAL! THE YELLOW KIND! YOU CAN SIT BY ME! CAN WE WATCH THE BAT POOP SHOW? MAMA! CAN YOU GET THE LITTLE TINY DOLLS OUT FOR ME? NO, NOT THE BIG ONES, THE LITTLE ONES, THE LITTLE TEENY TINY ONES. MAMA! LET’S HAVE JUICE! I LOVE JUICE, IT’S SO YUMMY IN MY TUMMY! MAMA? WHERE’S GRANDPA? GRANDMA WENT TO CLASS. MAMA? I LIVE IN INDIANA, DADDY’S AT CLASS. MAMA! IT’S LIGHT OUTSIDE! TIME TO WAKE UP! YAAAAAAYYYY!!!!”
Remember when my kid was a quiet two year old and it was my nephew that was driving me to drink? Well now I have one of my very own, that I don’t EVER have to give back.
And to you my dear newlyweds, I wish you all the babies in the world, TONS OF THEM. In all their loud early morning chipper glory. You had just better thank your lucky stars I didn’t text the crap out of that perdy little iPhone of yours at 4 am. BECAUSE I SERIOUSLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
As for the early morning renegade?
I’ve got it covered.