First of all..
****To all the girls who keep hitting on Cody in my absence****
I understand. The whole strong silent type he’s got going? It’s very appealing, I should know, I was the original fool to fall for it. But serioulsy, lay off. See that ring? Left hand? Fourth finger in? He’s not leaving me for you. So quit handing out your numbers so liberally, especially you, yeah you, the 18 year old with the perky boobs. I’m way more bendy than you, I cook way better than you ever will and I know how my baby likes his stroganoff. Besides, once you actually marry him, he’s not so strong, and he’s really not silent. He’ll talk your ear off and you’ll quickly realize that he’s a pansy when it comes to moths and spiders. It makes him cocky when you guys keep hitting on him. And he’s obnoxious when his ego has been freshly stroked. So for the good of us all, quit it.
I can handle him better than you ever could.
Okay. Sunday. Today’s episode is by the Salt Lake Tribune’s humor writer Robert Kirby.
Not being electable puts me in good company.
By Robert Kirby
I’ve never wanted to be president of the United States. That’s probably a good thing. Even if I was smart enough to do the job, being a Mormon would keep me from getting elected.
Pity, actually. Like many Americans, I have serious political convictions. For example, I’ve always believed that the greatest threats to our freedom are right here at home.
So, if I ran for president – and by some interdenominational miracle managed to get elected – my first presidential act would be a complete naval blockade of North Dakota. We have to start somewhere, folks.
What else? Oh, I would also have the Secret Service mail Larry Erdmann parcel post to Bolivia in a crate full of duck beaks.
That’s all I can think of right now.
As you can see, voting for me shouldn’t be based on what faith I practice (and still am not very good at), but rather the fact that I’m easily bored and constitutionally flexible.
Truthfully, I’d rather be a Mormon than president. If I don’t like what I hear at church, I can go home and watch TV until I feel like going back. Try that with Congress. No, a president pretty much has to stay until it’s over.
Not being electable just because I’m Mormon should bother me. Instead, it actually puts me in good company. For all our yammering about equality, Americans have been just as discriminatory about a female president.
Lots of stuff is more important to voters than actual qualifications. We’ve never elected to the highest office a Jew, a black, a Latino, a homosexual, a bald guy, or even just someone noticeably missing a front tooth. The last truly homely president we had was Abraham Lincoln, and we shot him.
I can’t remember the religious affiliations of any of the presidential candidates I voted for, probably because it didn’t seem to matter. Or maybe I just wasn’t paying attention.
Exactly why it matters to so many people now is a bit disingenuous, particularly since we’re clearly willing to dismiss religion as a concern in so many other immediately important areas.
If you wouldn’t feel safe with a Jew or a Muslim or an atheist in the White House, why aren’t you demanding to know if the pilot of your airplane is religiously compromised? What’s presidential incompetence compared to being flown into a mountain?
Is your heart surgeon born again? Was the food you just ate prepared by someone with a personal witness of Jesus Christ? Does the person who drives your kids’ school bus even have a testimony?
Given the American demand for political form over real substance, maybe getting elected president these days is actually more of an insult.
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