Continuing on with the theme of period talk this week, allow me to discuss my boobs.
Named Mildred and Unis, respectively.
Managing Frederick’s of Hollywood I learned that “girls” (trying to lessen the google pervs here) rarely come in matching pairs. One is always bigger. (Or smaller, if you subscribe to pessimism.) The difference between mine is an approximate 3/4 of a cup size. Mildred is a D.25 and Unis is a C.5.
That is until the PMS comes screaming into town.
Mildred takes a full cup size upon herself while Unis only compensates with maybe a quarter.
DD.25 on the left. C.75 on the right.
I have to be careful how I bend or move due to Mildred’s inability to stay safely housed in my, ahem, over shoulder boulder holder. And they hurt too, whoo, do they hurt. And for some reason no better than to make me cry, the moosh has dead on aim with her enormous head when the girls are at their most tender.
What’s really depressing? This isn’t even my most uncomfortable malady whilst on my womanly journey.
Remind me again? We get periods, pregnancy, menopause and a higher percentage of body fat while men get…um…well, I’m sure there’s something.
Humph.
To pee standing up?
That hardly seems fair.
Lawyer Mama says:
Not fair at all. On the other hand, if men had PMS I bet we’d have a lot more wars.
Lawyer Mama’s last blog post..The Brittany Spears Train Wreck and Other Important Topics
January 4th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
emmy says:
Glad to know I am the only one not looking lopsided!
January 4th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
emily says:
really not fair at all. You forgot that we get really moody against our will and cry lots (speaking for myself, anyway) Although some men loose their hair….ungracefully I might add.
emily’s last blog post..Eat it like a boy…
January 4th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Sarah says:
Don’t forget that guys can’t hide it when they like something! I am happy I don’t have that problem.
Sarah’s last blog post..The Joys Of Marrying A Foreigner
January 4th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
mimi says:
Mine are called Martin and Andy. From the respective positions of member of Depeche Mode on a favorite tee-shirt from high school.
And what is it with the toddler-head-boob-crushing?? WHYYYY?
mimi’s last blog post..Perfect posts, perplexity, and a resolution
January 4th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Jen says:
I haven’t yet named mine, but they are much different sizes too. And I will just echo your sentiments about the unfairness of boys v girls- because right now, I have monster cramps and OW OW OW OW OW. NOT FAIR.
Jen’s last blog post..happy new year and all that crap
January 4th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Megan says:
Hope I wish for a matching pair. I guess you have to pay for that though. My boston terrier is also awesome at boob crushing at the most tender moments.
BTW, my husband and I have this argument all the time. He swears that unexpected boners are worse than pms.
January 4th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
mommybootcamp says:
Your blog is GREAT.. my family would stop reading due to TO MUCH INFO.. Pregnancy & breastfeeding add another meaning to lopsided!
mommybootcamp’s last blog post..Baking
January 4th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Sadie says:
It’s not fair. Nor is your discrepancy of size! Oh my! Mine are safely in a close range of closeness…
I have to admit relief to being sterilized completely, though…no monthly crap to pull me down.
Dream of menopause, babe…it’s been my lifesaver *lol* I had the worst monthly’s for as long as I had them…so I can sympathize. I went home from school many many times in intense pain.
Sadie’s last blog post..Getting fit…support for all of us!
January 4th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Queen of Shake Shake says:
And men are guaranteed an orgasm each and every time too. With less work. I think I’d put up with “Hello, I’m happy” moments for that.
I’m starting to hate my husband after reading this.
Queen of Shake Shake’s last blog post..Hairy Legs and Sexy Pillow Talk from the Bed of Shake Shake
January 4th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
EmilyPie says:
Men get to be married to women like us who experience (and complain) about all of these things! Muahahahaha.
January 4th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
LifeAsIKnowIt says:
Men couldn’t handle half of the things we go through.
We’re just stronger. And better. And they know it.
LifeAsIKnowIt’s last blog post..Low Maintenance
January 4th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Assertagirl says:
Prostate exams? Still doesn’t really compare, though, does it?
Assertagirl’s last blog post..Rockin’ the resolutions.
January 4th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
ashlee says:
And then there’s pregnancy boobs. Ouchie and gigantic!!
ashlee’s last blog post..Our Baby News
January 4th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Carrie says:
I love you! I needed some sarcasm and humor, which I can always count on you for! My boobs right now are only feeling deflated! Holy crap do they get worse the more kids you have! Can you say perky boob job in the future? Oy!
Need some Midol? We have plenty here!
Carrie’s last blog post..Happy New Year!
January 4th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
ali says:
i dunno…i think mine are a matched set. small and sad and sad and small
ali’s last blog post..help me…and i will reward you with treats
January 4th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
OHmommy says:
I think this might be my most favorite post of yours, to date. Brilliant!
January 4th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
Becky says:
I ALWAYS tell my husband that he has it soooo easy. They have nothing inconveinent to deal with and especially not once a month.
I feel even more gipped when my little ones want daddy over me…..hey, I BIRTHED you!
Becky’s last blog post..oh….Matthew
January 4th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
June says:
What do we get? Multiple orgasms!!!
January 4th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
Erin says:
Oh, mine are a matched set, but I have the lovely habit of taking my womanly journey twice a month. It’s fantastic.
Erin’s last blog post..Happy days are here again!
January 4th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Kimmie says:
We stopped being friends the moment you said “D” I am just too utterly jealous. We get A-’s where I come from. Tee hee. Only teasing. Good luck with the girls…mine hurt too and it seems I wake every morning with a four year old and a two year old bouncing on them. Ow.
January 4th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Brie says:
I’m PMSing right now too and the girls are killing me! It hurts to put my bra on, take it off, sleep, move around, breathe…I’m usually wishing my period will come so I can get over the PMS already!
Brie’s last blog post..It’s over…
January 4th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Clink says:
Men also get to live with us and our pms…that is the greatest revenge.
My boobs in pregnancy…an H. Now with breastfeeding…lets just say I am running out of letters in the alphabet. The left one (nicknamed ‘meal’) is twice the size of the right (nicknamed ’snack’).
Clink’s last blog post..And now a word from our sponsor….
January 4th, 2008 at 9:11 pm
~JJ! says:
Damn Penis.
~JJ!’s last blog post..Haiku better late than never.
January 4th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
NotSoSage says:
Well, they do have a cumbersome yet delicate package that is for some reason left to dangle between their legs. I’m just sayin’…
NotSoSage’s last blog post..Resolutions
January 4th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
Anna says:
Funny that I just noticed TODAY that I was looking a little…uneven. But I have no complaints even though post-breastfeeding I feel as if mine are oranges in socks. Pre-breast reduction I was always in pain so now I’ll take a little deflated lopsidedness any day.
Anna’s last blog post..Pajama Party
January 4th, 2008 at 11:26 pm
Biddy says:
i feel you girl! argh…stupid men with their easy lives! can you tell aunt flow is in town for me too!?
Biddy’s last blog post..I’ve Got 287 Unread Items On My Reader….
January 5th, 2008 at 3:34 am
Lisa says:
Too funny! I agree with you - wouldn’t it be nice to go into a public restroom & not have to squat? Or line the seat with TP?
Hope your flight was uneventful
Lisa’s last blog post..Get out the chastity belt….
January 6th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
charli says:
Men get to die first. Of course, from our, I mean their point of view, that’s a plus- less time they have to put up with our nagging bitchy asses, right?!
charli’s last blog post..Late Morning Conversations With Jeremy
January 8th, 2008 at 2:01 am
moosh in indy. » I see pregnant people. says:
[...] I sit here with Mildred and Unis in all of our unpregnant and infertile glory we must say we are a bit peeved off with all you [...]
January 9th, 2008 at 10:33 am