Continuing on with the theme of period talk this week, allow me to discuss my boobs.

Named Mildred and Unis, respectively.

Managing Frederick’s of Hollywood I learned that “girls” (trying to lessen the google pervs here) rarely come in matching pairs. One is always bigger. (Or smaller, if you subscribe to pessimism.) The difference between mine is an approximate 3/4 of a cup size. Mildred is a D.25 and Unis is a C.5.

That is until the PMS comes screaming into town.

Mildred takes a full cup size upon herself while Unis only compensates with maybe a quarter.

DD.25 on the left. C.75 on the right.

I have to be careful how I bend or move due to Mildred’s inability to stay safely housed in my, ahem, over shoulder boulder holder. And they hurt too, whoo, do they hurt. And for some reason no better than to make me cry, the moosh has dead on aim with her enormous head when the girls are at their most tender.

What’s really depressing? This isn’t even my most uncomfortable malady whilst on my womanly journey.

Remind me again? We get periods, pregnancy, menopause and a higher percentage of body fat while men get…um…well, I’m sure there’s something.

Humph.

To pee standing up?

That hardly seems fair.

Comments

  1. Not fair at all. On the other hand, if men had PMS I bet we’d have a lot more wars.

    Lawyer Mama’s last blog post..The Brittany Spears Train Wreck and Other Important Topics

  2. Glad to know I am the only one not looking lopsided!

  3. really not fair at all. You forgot that we get really moody against our will and cry lots (speaking for myself, anyway) Although some men loose their hair….ungracefully I might add.

    emily’s last blog post..Eat it like a boy…

  4. Don’t forget that guys can’t hide it when they like something! I am happy I don’t have that problem. :)

    Sarah’s last blog post..The Joys Of Marrying A Foreigner

  5. Mine are called Martin and Andy. From the respective positions of member of Depeche Mode on a favorite tee-shirt from high school.

    And what is it with the toddler-head-boob-crushing?? WHYYYY?

    mimi’s last blog post..Perfect posts, perplexity, and a resolution

  6. I haven’t yet named mine, but they are much different sizes too. And I will just echo your sentiments about the unfairness of boys v girls- because right now, I have monster cramps and OW OW OW OW OW. NOT FAIR.

    Jen’s last blog post..happy new year and all that crap

  7. Hope I wish for a matching pair. I guess you have to pay for that though. My boston terrier is also awesome at boob crushing at the most tender moments.

    BTW, my husband and I have this argument all the time. He swears that unexpected boners are worse than pms.

  8. Your blog is GREAT.. my family would stop reading due to TO MUCH INFO.. Pregnancy & breastfeeding add another meaning to lopsided!

    mommybootcamp’s last blog post..Baking

  9. It’s not fair. Nor is your discrepancy of size! Oh my! Mine are safely in a close range of closeness…

    I have to admit relief to being sterilized completely, though…no monthly crap to pull me down.

    Dream of menopause, babe…it’s been my lifesaver *lol* I had the worst monthly’s for as long as I had them…so I can sympathize. I went home from school many many times in intense pain.

    Sadie’s last blog post..Getting fit…support for all of us!

  10. And men are guaranteed an orgasm each and every time too. With less work. I think I’d put up with “Hello, I’m happy” moments for that.

    I’m starting to hate my husband after reading this.

    Queen of Shake Shake’s last blog post..Hairy Legs and Sexy Pillow Talk from the Bed of Shake Shake

  11. Men get to be married to women like us who experience (and complain) about all of these things! Muahahahaha. :)

  12. Men couldn’t handle half of the things we go through.
    We’re just stronger. And better. And they know it.

    ;)

    LifeAsIKnowIt’s last blog post..Low Maintenance

  13. Prostate exams? Still doesn’t really compare, though, does it?

    Assertagirl’s last blog post..Rockin’ the resolutions.

  14. And then there’s pregnancy boobs. Ouchie and gigantic!!

    ashlee’s last blog post..Our Baby News

  15. I love you! I needed some sarcasm and humor, which I can always count on you for! My boobs right now are only feeling deflated! Holy crap do they get worse the more kids you have! Can you say perky boob job in the future? Oy!

    Need some Midol? We have plenty here! ;)

    Carrie’s last blog post..Happy New Year!

  16. i dunno…i think mine are a matched set. small and sad and sad and small

    ali’s last blog post..help me…and i will reward you with treats

  17. I think this might be my most favorite post of yours, to date. Brilliant!

  18. I ALWAYS tell my husband that he has it soooo easy. They have nothing inconveinent to deal with and especially not once a month.

    I feel even more gipped when my little ones want daddy over me…..hey, I BIRTHED you!

    Becky’s last blog post..oh….Matthew

  19. What do we get? Multiple orgasms!!!

  20. Oh, mine are a matched set, but I have the lovely habit of taking my womanly journey twice a month. It’s fantastic.

    Erin’s last blog post..Happy days are here again!

  21. We stopped being friends the moment you said “D” I am just too utterly jealous. We get A-’s where I come from. Tee hee. Only teasing. Good luck with the girls…mine hurt too and it seems I wake every morning with a four year old and a two year old bouncing on them. Ow.

  22. I’m PMSing right now too and the girls are killing me! It hurts to put my bra on, take it off, sleep, move around, breathe…I’m usually wishing my period will come so I can get over the PMS already!

    Brie’s last blog post..It’s over…

  23. Men also get to live with us and our pms…that is the greatest revenge.

    My boobs in pregnancy…an H. Now with breastfeeding…lets just say I am running out of letters in the alphabet. The left one (nicknamed ‘meal’) is twice the size of the right (nicknamed ‘snack’).

    Clink’s last blog post..And now a word from our sponsor….

  24. Damn Penis.

    ~JJ!’s last blog post..Haiku better late than never.

  25. Well, they do have a cumbersome yet delicate package that is for some reason left to dangle between their legs. I’m just sayin’…

    NotSoSage’s last blog post..Resolutions

  26. Funny that I just noticed TODAY that I was looking a little…uneven. But I have no complaints even though post-breastfeeding I feel as if mine are oranges in socks. Pre-breast reduction I was always in pain so now I’ll take a little deflated lopsidedness any day.

    Anna’s last blog post..Pajama Party

  27. i feel you girl! argh…stupid men with their easy lives! can you tell aunt flow is in town for me too!?

    Biddy’s last blog post..I’ve Got 287 Unread Items On My Reader….

  28. Too funny! I agree with you – wouldn’t it be nice to go into a public restroom & not have to squat? Or line the seat with TP?

    Hope your flight was uneventful :)

    Lisa’s last blog post..Get out the chastity belt….

  29. Men get to die first. Of course, from our, I mean their point of view, that’s a plus- less time they have to put up with our nagging bitchy asses, right?!

    charli’s last blog post..Late Morning Conversations With Jeremy

  30. Men grow bald – since women have 2 “X” chromosomes, the chances of them growing bald is slim-to-none.

  31. It is really unfair when it comes to the painful sufferings of men and women.

    Compaq CQ-50 139WMs last blog post..Compaq CQ-50 139WM Laptop

  32. Thank you for your post. It is advantage for me.

  33. Nice post, waiting for your articles. Men and women are different in everything. Let them go naturally…..

    erics last blog post..www wamucards com

  34. it can not be that,if it’s not fair.why nature bring me like this

  35. Thanks for share. It’s useful for me.

    Nancys last blog post..http://www.chryslerfinancial.com

  36. very informative and useful!

  37. Awesome tips. Thanks

  38. Thank you for the helpful article.

  39. Thank for good article

  40. This is great post. Thanks for sharing.

  41. Great post! damn penis! :)

    Niche Socializers last blog post..Niche Socializer is For Niche Marketing

  42. THis will make your pee!… Men or women.. click below.. Thanks

    Henrys last blog post..Food Court Musical

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  1. [...] I sit here with Mildred and Unis in all of our unpregnant and infertile glory we must say we are a bit peeved off with all you [...]