As I sit here with Mildred and Unis in all of our unpregnant and infertile glory we must say we are a bit peeved off with all you pregnant people. Just when I was getting over my last not pregnant rant half the links I check today assault me with “I’m 12 weeks!” “105 days to go!” “Baby Huey hugging my pregnant belly!” “Baby number 5 is a boy!” “I just puked again!” “I’m so emotional BECAUSE I’M PREGNANT.”

Ladies, seriously, with the pregnant talk? Yer killin’ me.

Just know that if and when it ever happens for me?

I WON’T SHUT UP ABOUT IT.

Gestational revenge. Bwahahaha.

Although not completely similar, this whole ominous EVERYONE IS FERTILE BUT ME vibe is reminiscent of my first (and only, thank you) pregnancy. I started barfing on April 12 (Cheerios, hall bathroom, white shirt) and had seven (7!) negative pregnancy tests up until my birthday two weeks later. Barfing continued. Certainty that I was going to die by choking on my shoelaces vomited out my nose continued. April 29th rolled around and I had gas so bad even my fattest of fat pants couldn’t accommodate the bellyache.

My friend told me to get one more test. Hey! When you’ve already had seven (7!) negatives ones in two weeks what’s one more? I stopped at the pharmacy after work. I didn’t even want to breathe a word of this to Cody due to the $15.99 nature of the previous seven (7!) pregnancy tests. As I stood in line, bloated as a cow left out in the sun, the woman in front of me turned around only to reveal an enormous womb full of child. Cursing my luck that I had to be the one to stand next to the glorious pregnant belly, I turned around, to look at the very normal looking not pregnant person behind me.

WRONG.

Stupid very normal looking not pregnant person had gone back for antihistamine and was replaced by very pregnant blond cheerleader looking person in pink. There I was, the gassy frumpy center to a cruel and stylish pregnant Oreo.

I bought my stupid e.p.t.s, went home, peed on the stick, covered it with toilet paper, picked a few zits, flossed my teeth and prepared myself for the inevitable disappointment that was awaiting me under that single square of Charmin.

Boy was I wrong.

Suddenly my puking was a badge of glory! I was pregnant! I was continuing the circle of life! Then it hit me, I was pregnant. I was going to be somebody’s mom.

HO-LEE CRAP.

Comments

  1. Here’s to hoping Cody knocks you w/ soon!

  2. “and only” pregnancy…so does that mean only so far, which we know to be true? Or does it mean you guys are done because of the crazy insane emotional roller coaster it was? I’m nosy? I’m also bipolar as I just found out and it is remarkably WORSE as hell when I’m pregnant. No suicide attempt, since I had a brother go that route and I’d seen it in action, but well 18 months of hell and it took two horrid pregnancies for my amazing husband to say out loud how horrible it was. So he got snipped a few months back and my uterus i going to the trash next week. Sure hopefully we’ll get the opportunity to adopt but this fertile woman, try twice and have two babies, is not allowed to make any more babies! Anyway just wondering since you’ve been so candid about everything else.

    Angela’s last blog post..WFMW Backwards Day: What is in your family binder?

  3. Here’s to hoping it happens soon.

    For me being pregnant the second time now, (sorry, it wasn’t that easy though), it is just not that fun the second time around. Can’t the stork fairy tale really come to life for all of us :-)

    Midwest Mommy’s last blog post..I will have NUN of that!

  4. Well, you could just hang at my blog. I’m not pregnant and my hubs is now infertile. And we could start talking about all of the things we can do while NOT being pregnant, like tie our shoes and paint our own toes.

    Laughter is medicine, yk.

    Queen of Shake Shake’s last blog post..Super Target Stud

  5. How did your husband react to the news? When I told my husband, he turned white and disappeared into the bathroom for several hours. When I finally went in to check on him, he was on his knees praying like he had never prayed before.

    It’s not like we hadn’t been trying…

    Good luck with getting pregnant again. You are a brave soul. After two horrendous pregnancy and post-partum experiences, my hubby is getting the snip snip.

    Bethany’s last blog post..Shrinkage

  6. I’m not pregnant! But I agree, they seem to be Every.Where. And I’m not even trying! (shudder, double check that I’ve taken my pills, shudder again…going to buy backup cause it’s contagious I swear).

    I wish you luck..and mucho fun ;-) in your attempts. If I were in such a great relationship, I’d probably be more open to the idea. But we’re just not – there – yet.

    Indygirl’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday – Squirrelly

  7. I wish I could share my furtility. I have been so blessed with two healthy pregnancies and babies. I have two sister-in-laws that have been trying for many months, one has had 2 miscarriages. I just wish those that really want their baby and will take care of their baby would be the ones having a baby instead of drug addicted, unfit monthers. (My in-laws do foster care, there are too many children waiting on homes because of unfit parents.) Just remember in the Lord’s time.

  8. Thank goodness pregnancy isn’t contagious cause they really are everywhere lately. I mean, it would be OK if you caught it, just don’t go breathing on me.

  9. You could always post your cycles and charting. I’ve been on a few blogs that say “Only 3 more days until I ovulate!” or “Day 13 of my cycle!”

    It always seems like a bit TMI, but then again, isn’t all blogging?

  10. there are A LOT of preggers in blogging land. I’m sooo done with babies but am happy to hear all about what I’m missing. ;)

    Kara’s last blog post..Interesting little creatures

  11. good luck. i’m hopin’ for ya.

    janet’s last blog post..Splish splash … and other more important stuff

  12. I’ll trade you a whole mess o’ boys for the Moosh.

    Sounds good, no?

    I’ll say a prayer for ya, now get to ye marital bow-chicka-wow-wow! ;)

    Love, Alli

    Alli ~Mrs. Fussypants’s last blog post..Fussy Needs Your Homeschooling Opinions!

  13. It does seem every one is knocked up, eh?

    Here’s hoping you become one of them.

    Redneck Mommy’s last blog post..Good Times At the Grocery Store

  14. *hugs*

    I can relate to that story!! That’s how I felt when I got preggers with Alex :-D

    Chris’s last blog post..A Letter to the Little Lovelies..

  15. awe, it will happen for you soon enough I am sure. In the meantime, enjoy the practice!!!

    staciesmadness’s last blog post..Whoa…she is only SEVEN

  16. Yeesh….i just did a pregnancy post….sorry!!!! I hope things start happening for you soon and you can have another holy crap moment!!!

    Skye’s last blog post..I finally heard it.

  17. I’m not. So it’s safe to visit my page. :-)
    This post brought tears to my eyes, and also made me laugh.

    rachel’s last blog post..Labeling love.

  18. dude. I SO know how you feel. My PCOS-Obese-not-having-periods body is going to take some hard work, and probably Clomid to get pregnant and everyone is like “Whoops, baby #42!” :/

    ElizabethSheryl’s last blog post..I get a Gold Star!

  19. HI!

    No need to be envious of my home and such.

    but thank you!

    I’m envious that you have a kid.
    well….most days. :)

    Kerstin’s last blog post..Happy 2008!

  20. Seriously, when I was trying to get pregnant with Chloers I saw prego ladies EVERYWHERE! Even at the zoo for crying out loud! What pregnant woman would want to haul ass up those crazy hills anyways? I mean, I BARELY made it up but with only the help of Jesse literally pushing my butt up them! Oh, OH! Not to mention all the little babies they had everywhere! I actually CRIED AT. THE. ZOO. It took us a year and a half and a lot of prayers and of course Clomid. It’ll happen for you! That stubborn baby is waiting to come down when they see that the time is fit for them! Stubborn kids anyhow! Did we really expect less? ;)

    Carrie’s last blog post..Mommy grew some cajones!

  21. I just came across you blog and since you have me peeing my non-preggo self…yeah, I just have a bladder the size of a chick pea, I am sure to be back. You really know how to make light of a situation and that situation being life…we all have to go through something. Keep your chin up and the laughter going.

    LOL on the oreo reference…too funny!

  22. Hey I’m all over the not pregnant thing, too. Since I’ve been off birth control for 15 months and counting I’ve probably taken about 9 pregnancy tests due to the uncooperative and un-regular nature of my “monthly friend”. I’ve been totally convinced about 5 times that I AM pregnant, only to be mistaken when the friend shows up. My entire community back home on the west coast is popping out babies left and right, even in situations where it’s not what’s best for them now! How unfair!

    Reese’s last blog post..Gourmet

  23. Hi. I am sorry you are feeling so terrible about pregos lately. That sucks. It is a hard thing to watch/deal with I know. A lot of my friends are pregnant too, but I have this particular friend…she’s on my blogroll…who is VERY bitter about ANYONE who is pregnant. (No, I am SO not talking about you…) But when I think of her, I just get so angry! SO much so that I realized I needed to let that part of my life go. The envy, the anger…and just realize there is a greater plan. I love you, my prayers are with you, and it is my hope that it happens SOON for you…SOON! Hugs from here in UTAW.

    Kimmie’s last blog post..Birthday.

  24. Oh yes, I feel your pain. Last spring I was surrounded by them. Thank God they are starting to taper off now. (Cue my SILs all magically getting pregnant tomorrow and announcing the happy news)I keep going through all of the irrational emotions that come with trying. And now looming around the corner is the stress of having to call in the professionals since it has been nearly a year now. eek!

    Lynne’s last blog post..Happy Anniversary to Me (2 months late)

  25. Come on over to Bossy’s place. Absolutely no babies.

  26. Wish I could say that there are no babies at my place, but occasionally, the bump makes an appearance.
    If you want, you can just call me fat.

  27. Stop thinking about it, be adamant you don’t want it to happen and then watch you’ll be knocked up in a heart beat.

    Or maybe that’s just the kind of stuff that happens to me.

    Worker Mommy’s last blog post..Scrapbooking Hell

  28. I’ve been kinda lucky with my SIL’s pregnancy. She doesn’t NOT tell me about it, but that’s not all she talks about, either. I know I’m a hard person to deal with when it comes to this topic, but she pulls it off perfectly.

    Butrfly Garden’s last blog post..I’m Locking Her Up.

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  1. [...] if it weren’t bad enough that the entire internet announced their overall general state of pregnancy, now it seems the entire internet is also announcing the fact that their children just decided one [...]