As I sit here with Mildred and Unis in all of our unpregnant and infertile glory we must say we are a bit peeved off with all you pregnant people. Just when I was getting over my last not pregnant rant half the links I check today assault me with “I’m 12 weeks!” “105 days to go!” “Baby Huey hugging my pregnant belly!” “Baby number 5 is a boy!” “I just puked again!” “I’m so emotional BECAUSE I’M PREGNANT.”
Ladies, seriously, with the pregnant talk? Yer killin’ me.
Just know that if and when it ever happens for me?
I WON’T SHUT UP ABOUT IT.
Gestational revenge. Bwahahaha.
Although not completely similar, this whole ominous EVERYONE IS FERTILE BUT ME vibe is reminiscent of my first (and only, thank you) pregnancy. I started barfing on April 12 (Cheerios, hall bathroom, white shirt) and had seven (7!) negative pregnancy tests up until my birthday two weeks later. Barfing continued. Certainty that I was going to die by choking on my shoelaces vomited out my nose continued. April 29th rolled around and I had gas so bad even my fattest of fat pants couldn’t accommodate the bellyache.
My friend told me to get one more test. Hey! When you’ve already had seven (7!) negatives ones in two weeks what’s one more? I stopped at the pharmacy after work. I didn’t even want to breathe a word of this to Cody due to the $15.99 nature of the previous seven (7!) pregnancy tests. As I stood in line, bloated as a cow left out in the sun, the woman in front of me turned around only to reveal an enormous womb full of child. Cursing my luck that I had to be the one to stand next to the glorious pregnant belly, I turned around, to look at the very normal looking not pregnant person behind me.
Stupid very normal looking not pregnant person had gone back for antihistamine and was replaced by very pregnant blond cheerleader looking person in pink. There I was, the gassy frumpy center to a cruel and stylish pregnant Oreo.
I bought my stupid e.p.t.s, went home, peed on the stick, covered it with toilet paper, picked a few zits, flossed my teeth and prepared myself for the inevitable disappointment that was awaiting me under that single square of Charmin.
Boy was I wrong.
Suddenly my puking was a badge of glory! I was pregnant! I was continuing the circle of life! Then it hit me, I was pregnant. I was going to be somebody’s mom.