Hi.

I’m not such a huge big fan of being the mom today.

I don’t even want to utter the two words that are befuddling my everyday life and filling it full of needless motherly stress and guilt. Let’s just say in involves redirecting the bodily fluids of someone small into an appropriate vessel of defecation.

Final score for the day:

Appropriate vessel of defecation- 1

Floor – 1

*sigh*

It doesn’t help that I’m going all out balls on this one and quitting the diaper cold turkey. Day and night. What’s a few more loads of laundry? A spare pair of panties in my purse?

As if it weren’t bad enough that the entire internet announced their overall general state of pregnancy, now it seems the entire internet is also announcing the fact that their children just decided one morning to get their bodily fluids in the right place with no problem.

Either you’re all liars or the world is out to get me.

Or both.

Why haven’t I read a single freak out post yet? HUH? WHY?

Why does nobody write about how exasperating it is that the small person needs a STRICT ORDER TO THINGS? A strict order that is ONLY to be performed by said small person?

I HAVE TO TURN THE LIGHT ON!
I HAVE TO PULL MY PANNIES DOWN!
I HAVE TO GET THE PAPER!
I HAVE TO FLUSH!
I HAVE TO PULL MY PANNIES UP!
I HAVE TO TURN THE WATER ON!
I HAVE TO GET THE SOAP!
I HAVE TO TURN THE WATER OFF!
I HAVE TO GET THE TOWEL!
I HAVE TO THROW IT AWAY!
I HAVE TO TURN THE LIGHT OFF!

Fast forward five minutes.

“MOM! I HAVE TO POTTY!”

Oh.

my.

H-E double hockey sticks.

I know this will all be over in the blink of an eye and I’ll look back someday with warm fuzzy memories and laugh at how wound up I was about this whole thing blah blah blah.

But why does nobody else come clean and tell you that the more independent your child gets the more pain in the rear they get? HUH? WHY DOES NOBODY TELL YOU THIS?

Here goes, the more independent your child gets, the more of a pain they are (only for a bit, thank heavens.) You see, they will want to do EVERYTHING by themselves, and you’re going to have to be the one to teach them how to do everything.

Only you’re not going to be allowed to help them.

At least not until they are a weeping ball of frustration lying on the floor.

And you’ll have to be the one to keep your composure and calmly explain why you can’t pull your skirt over your head and show the checker at Costco that you have Belle on your big girl panties. And then you’ll hear,

“BUT WHY?”

“Because we don’t show our panties in public.”
“BUT WHY?”

“Because they are not for anyone to see but you.”
“BUT WHY?”

“Because we keep our panties and our bums to ourselves.”
“BUT WHY?”

At this point you grind your jaw to avoid bopping your kid in the head or telling horror stories of kidnapped children.

And then you’ll say this, (which you swore you’d never say)

“BECAUSE I SAID SO. THE END.”

And then you realize you’re one step closer to becoming your mean grandma that you hated to go visit because you weren’t allowed to touch any of her stuff and the only thing she knew how to make was macaroni and cheese with lots of pepper.

The older the moosh gets the more I realize how lucky I am my mom didn’t leave me at a roadside fruit stand.

And maybe I’m not infertile, maybe my body has truce with my uterus I’m not in on.

“Uterus, you don’t let her get pregnant, then she won’t get even more bat crap crazy with two kids and I’LL LET YOU LIVE TO SEE ANOTHER DAY.”

That’s got to be it.

Comments

  1. if it makes you feel any better, even though Zander is getting back into the whole potty thing and more interested…he hasn’t wanted to even look at it for two days now. and when we were staying at my parents’ house before Christmas, he pooped on their floor twice, and peed on it three times. within a couple of days.

    nope…we’re not having any potty fun here, either!

    cate’s last blog post..Haiku Friday – where’d the funny go?

  2. This is the first time I’ve been to your site (thanks to Ali) and I’m still laughing my you know what off. My husband plans to start potting training our 2 1/2 year old little boy in the next couple of weeks when he starts parental leave. I’m far from optimistic, but I’m sure stories will abound.

  3. p.s. LOVE the new header!

    you should make your lover (ahem, ME) one because i’m stupid and don’t know how. you know, whenever you have some spare time

    haha i crack myself up

    Biddy’s last blog post..oh what a day….

  4. Oh, my. I don’t miss potty training at all. Just be grateful you don’t have to wipe her butt while simultaneously nursing an infant. Good times.

    andi’s last blog post..I hope her future husband has deep pockets

  5. My sister is doing the same thing. Parker’s almost 3 and totally knows what he should be doing, but says when we ask him why he won’t use the toilet “cuz I don’t want to”. But he does have a lovely pair of hot wheels underware that he carries around the house and tells everyone that they are his “race car panties”. His dad rolls his eyes at him.

    ashlee’s last blog post..New Niece — Danyca Rose

  6. When it came time for Mike and the kids to move in, we had to get Alyssa potty traines asap. We pushed and pushed and she just refused. Then, one day – after we’d sort of given up – she just started going on her own. I learned an important lesson about her that day.

    Anyway, I felt the need to tell you that the whole independent/pain thing doesn’t go away. I think it gets easier after they get married, though.

    Butrfly Garden’s last blog post..Hair Pricks

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