I’m not proud to admit that I’m a jealous person.

I’m jealous of just about everyone in my life in one way or another. Even the people I don’t get along with all that much, because they are usually the ones who are pregnant, rich or have the abs of Hilary Swank.

In fact I’m jealous than no one else seems jealous of anyone else.

When I actually have the opportunity to sit down and read through blogs I usually come away feeling all down on myself because so and so can sing, so and so has an amazing house, so and so just got a new car, so and so is pregnant, so and so just met Steve Carell at a party, so and so is an amazing photographer, so and so is an amazing writer, so and so has the fashion sense of Jackie O., so and so lives in New York, so and so is married to a man that leaves her love notes and cleans the house, so and so looks like a million bucks straight out of bed.

*sigh*

Does this happen to anyone else?

I know we all don’t share everything in our little corner of the internet. I don’t because frankly it’s none of your business and also because I’ve found that by only keeping a memory of the good, the memories of the bad are able to fade a lot faster.

I’ve kept a journal since I was 12. Until I ended up in the psych ward three years ago I wrote about everything in it. Good and bad. Which meant when I went back to read over my past the hurt came bubbling to the surface like a noxious gas. While writing at the time was theraputic, it was poisonous to my future self.

I now keep what I call a “bitch journal”. There are no dates, no proper punctuation, no breaks between entries. I keep it tucked away, deep and hidden and pull it out when the therapeutic need to write hits me. I never read what I wrote. I never will. No one ever will. It will be burned when it is full. But it allows me a release that is sweeter than any chemical or edible substance.

But this brings me back to the seething jealously I have for everyone else’s lives. I know you have problems, a whole mess of them that I wouldn’t really want even if it did come with that fabulous thing you wrote about last week. If any of you want to be me when you grow up, just know it comes with a matching set of baggage that you’ll be left to carry around by yourself.

A lot.

Jealousy and my own (very numerous) insecurities are something I really need to get a grip on before the moosh gets any wiser. They are not traits I want to be passing on.

Comments

  1. I think everyone who has ever taken a breath has experienced the same feelings. The difference is some people are controlled by them. I think I like the b**tch journal better.

  2. I guarantee you 100% that everyone is jealous of at least one other person in their life. Even Hilary Swank envies a woman or two for their even flatter abs. And I know people envy you… because you can write like Ernest Hemingway, cook like Rachel Ray, among the many other things you do so well. Please don’t compare yourself to other people’s blogs. They’re all hiding something.

  3. OH I definitely struggle with blog envy. My mom says it’s just like Christmas card envy, only we get a DAILY dose of it instead just a YEARLY dose.

    Rachel’s last blog post..To Remember…

  4. everyone gets jealous.

    I am jealous of YOU. Your writing is wonderful. Keep up the good work.

    staciesmadness’s last blog post..Nut-n-butta

  5. Dude, I just had my last dinner with Jennifer about an hour ago. She leaves tomorrow morning.

    Right now, I’m very jealous of you.

    Queen of Shake Shake’s last blog post..Fiction Makes You Dumber. Good Thing My Blog Isn’t Fiction.

  6. The bitch journal is a wonderful tool – I had one (although I didn’t realize what it was at the time) when I went through a bad break-up and it literally kept me from making unwise and generally self-destructive choices. I swear – it was a life saver! I haven’t looked at it in years, but I still have it. Maybe I should take your advice and just burn it. I’m sure that will be cathartic, right? I’m rooting for you!

    calicobebop’s last blog post..My Lost Boyfriend…

  7. I’m totally with you on the jealousy of others. I get jealous all the time of the amount of comments other people receive.

    People say “hey – I’ve been to your blog” but I get very few comments. So, I’m jealous of your comments.

    There. I said it. Thanks for letting me spew.