Before I got married depression involved a lot of heavy drinking and recreational drug use.
After I got married it involved a lot of sleeping away my life and refusing to eat or leave the house.
When the moosh was little, depression involved endless amounts of crying and screaming into pillows to drown out the sound of her crying.
Now that the moosh is older, and wise to my every emotion, depression is a whole new experience. It feels as though I am relentlessly treading water, and if I stop to rest for even a moment, I go under. Fast.
Every phase of my life has had its own scapegoats for depression. From substance abuse, to a starting over a whole new lifestyle, to a horrendous pregnancy, to having a new baby and now having a husband that is gone 80% of the time and a family that is thousands of miles away.
It has become difficult to distinguish any real feelings any more. Am I depressed? Or just feeling sorry for myself? I honestly don’t know. I keep myself so busy that if I stop for even a minute, I start to drown quickly. Thankfully I am blessed to be surrounded by dozens of other girls in very much the same situation, dozens of distractions to keep me busy. But I’m afraid to slow down, afraid to stop.
Afraid of what will happen if I do.
Because if it is what I fear, I don’t know what I’ll do.