Before I got married depression involved a lot of heavy drinking and recreational drug use.

After I got married it involved a lot of sleeping away my life and refusing to eat or leave the house.

When the moosh was little, depression involved endless amounts of crying and screaming into pillows to drown out the sound of her crying.

Now that the moosh is older, and wise to my every emotion, depression is a whole new experience.  It feels as though I am relentlessly treading water, and if I stop to rest for even a moment, I go under. Fast.

Every phase of my life has had its own scapegoats for depression. From substance abuse, to a starting over a whole new lifestyle, to a horrendous pregnancy, to having a new baby and now having a husband that is gone 80% of the time and a family that is thousands of miles away.

It has become difficult to distinguish any real feelings any more. Am I depressed? Or just feeling sorry for myself? I honestly don’t know. I keep myself so busy that if I stop for even a minute, I start to drown quickly. Thankfully I am blessed to be surrounded by dozens of other girls in very much the same situation, dozens of distractions to keep me busy. But I’m afraid to slow down, afraid to stop.

Afraid of what will happen if I do.

Because if it is what I fear, I don’t know what I’ll do.

Comments

  1. Is that why your house is always clean? Not to make light of the issue. In all honesty, I think you are far greater and far stronger than you realize. But that is exactly what depression will do to you. Make you question way more than you should. I’m grateful to be considered a distraction.

    Meggan’s last blog post..What did your kid do yesterday?

  2. You need lots and lots of Guitar Hero battles with Moi. And virgin pomegranate martinins (I found a recipe!!!) and sunshine. :)

    Just tell me what I need to do, and I’ll distract you. Pinky swear.

    I know what you speak of though. I agree with Meggan though, you seem to have an inner strength that you have not fully realized yet.

    I’m here if you need me.

    Shash’s last blog post..Love is Maturity in All its Shapes, Sizes and Forms

  3. No words of wisdom, just hoping you feel better and stronger…being away from family (who, once you have kids, can be a support system) is really really hard. I know.

    LifeAsIKnowIt’s last blog post..I Do Not Like It Here or There; I Do Not Like It Anywhere…

  4. Oh, sweetie.

    Praying for you as I type this and hoping you have the support around you that you need.

    Angella’s last blog post..On Her Behalf

  5. Casey, the quick answer is Stay Busy, Exercise, and Be with Friends who live nearby and can hug you as they refill your drinks!

    The long answer is well, longer….. :)

    Wendy’s last blog post..caption, anyone?

  6. Sure wish I had an answer. I can tell you honestly that I also find it hard to determine if it’s depression or just feeling sorry for myself sometimes. I got on zoloft for PPD after my first was born, was on for about 6 mos. and then off. Got back on immediately after 2nd was born and haven’t looked back. Not sure if it really helps or I just think it does, but I’m scared to stop. Staying busy is probably what keeps at least 50% of sane, I’d say. :-)

    pgoodness’s last blog post..It’s baaaaaaack!

  7. Staying busy and the exercise. My old therapist used to tell me that even walking around the block was better than nothing. Its a natural anti depressant. Am I good about exercising when I’m sick with other crap and therefore depressed about being sick again, and then sleeping more, etc? No. But my depression is definitely more in check when I do exercise. Winter totally sucks for the lack of being outside reason. It sounds like the people who know you on here so far, can see something inside you. Just keep doing whatever you can to stay just a step above treading and you’re on the right track. Its strange that my heart can hurt for someone I don’t know. But we’ve experienced very similar things (different but similar) and I know it sucks. Good luck.

    Angela’s last blog post..Say a little prayer

  8. I’m treading water right beside you. Because if I stop, I know I’ll sink like a stone…

    Redneck Mommy’s last blog post..Blizzards and Flakes

  9. I totally understand. I’ve been starting to fall into the pit lately, and I’ve been wondering is it me saying I’m falling, or am I just have a bad day. There’s so much second guessing. Some days I just cry and wonder why this can’t be taken from me. It’s good to have all the distractions–that’s what keeps your mind busy. Good luck.

    Erin’s last blog post..My Children, the World Travelers

  10. Depression can come from life suck.
    Depression can also come from chemical imbalance.

    You have both going on, so it is no wonder that you feel like your head is going in circles and treading water.

    You and I are on the same page regarding some things…The treatments are often more hellish than the problem.

    Keeping active is good and I’m glad that you have people and distractions around.

    If I had your baking skills, I would probably be a whale because I would bake to stay busy and consume EVERYTHING to make myself feel better.

    (I’m really helpful here, huh?)

    Just know I love ya.

    Loralee’s last blog post..De Plane! De Plane!

  11. Big hugs to you. I counted up the days my husband was gone last year and it added up to 5 months! This year looks to be the same. It’s hard being a single mom most of the time.

    From now on, instead of just feeling sorry for myself when he is gone, I will be praying for your peace and comfort.

  12. HERE, HERE! Oh how I know this all too well. I wish I could even take off from the starting line when the gun goes off. But when it does I am just paralyzed. Between, chemical imbalance, having just placed a child, learning to build a relationship with my ex again for my daughter, major hormone drops before aunt flow visits, oh yes the winter blues, I might as well be burried alive. Sometimes I fear if anyone really knew half of what was in my head NOBODY would want to talk to be so I hold it in and let it out like a leaky tire just a little at a time. LOVE my meds and going to get them checked again. Aunt Flow takes her toll on me, I need more when she comes into town! Keep doing what you are doing if it keeps you above water! Oh it is so hard to have an emotional thermometer around! Take care =)

    Carlzbad’s last blog post..President Hinckley 1910-2008

  13. Casey,
    I don’t know you but I can relate to what you’re going through. Just know that you’re not alone. I don’t know your history, but have you ever spoken to a therapist? Maybe your bishop could recommend someone.

    Sheyenne’s last blog post..Goodbye President Hinckley, for now

  14. Oh my sweet moosh momma. I am so sorry you are feeling these feelings. Feelings I have felt/wondered too in my life. I have no easy answers other than to push through, push forward and stay busy. Busy, with a little time for yourself too. Spoil yourself, go get your eyebrows threaded, a massage, anything so that you don’t melt into yourself.

    Love you, I’ll pray for you! ;)

    Kimmie’s last blog post..Gordon B. Hinckley 1910-2008

  15. I’ve battled depression for YEARS and have found living on a tropical island a good combatant. Come visit Key West!

    Reese’s last blog post..Sleep

  16. You are a strong, wonderful wife and mother, I can tell just from reading your blog. You also have a whole community of people here who are ready and willing to help you keep it together and to offer support and encouragement when you need it. We might not live next door, but we’re here for you just the same.

    Nell’s last blog post..Missing Instructional Manual: page 641

  17. For someone who has had their share of battles with the D-word I can honestly admit that experience is truly a most selfish one involving a lot of self-loathing and feeling sorry for myself. Does that mean I can control it? Not without my happy pills and being surrounded by a good support system.

    I think depression is quite common among creative types and you are definitely one of us!

  18. The husband gone 80% of the time + little familial support system is definitely a toughie. I think you’re doing well writing about how you feel, and keeping active…I think that even people who aren’t depressive keep busy to distract themselves from facing “real” life and it’s kind of a natural thing to do. Of course, when they do think about it, they probably don’t overthink it and get depressed like we creative, sensitive types!
    I also second Renee’s tropical solution: Indy is not for us. I decided long ago that allll of my problems would disappear if I lived in Hawaii. :P

    Must be Motherhood’s last blog post..New Yorker Me is a Raving Snot, Part 1

  19. I know you can get through it because you are amazing, self-aware, smart and talented. And I swear, so much of it is just getting through it. Right now, Johnny is going through the worst bout of depression of his life and for sure, our life together. I can’t imagine being you or him, because right now, I’m finding it hard enough just being me. I feel like I’m a completely helpless witness and I feel like I’m going under, too. Let’s just try to get through it together. Loves… barb

    Barb’s last blog post..President Hinckley

  20. oh god girl…i know what you’re talking about…

    go get a massage.

    bake. a LOT.

    and never underestimate the power of a good cry

    Biddy’s last blog post..i owe, i owe, it’s back to work i go

  21. I’m sorry you hurt. I’m glad you’ve found that busy-ness keeps you afloat, but I’m sorry you hurt.

    Amy’s last blog post..Interview with a Blewbie (Blog Newbie)

  22. Oh gosh, I think that’s motherhood. My husband suffers from periodical depression. I do not. I never have. I count myself totally blessed for this because my husband struggles with it. My depression is totally situational. When I slow down, I start to sink. I think a lot of that is just being mommy. The lack of the ability to pee without thinking about someone else first can be overwhelming.
    Can I say again how glad I am that you blog?? And SO often! Law school is not eternal, even though it sometimes seems like it is…

  23. You’re very smart to keep as busy as you do. Stay in motion. Just keep moving.

    When my husband was gone a lot (as in months at a time gone) I fell into a depression and the number one thing that kicked me out of it was volunteering. I knew I didn’t want to return to work full time, and I could volunteer in my field which was fulfilling, got me busy, and made me see how much worse people had it compared to me. I know you’ve mentioned social work, and I am a former social worker and volunteered as a Guardian ad Litem with the CASA foundation. They’re all over the country, and you get to advocate for children who come under the purview of the Federal Child Protection act. You don’t need a degree in S.W. to do this, you just have to be 21, take the classes, and pass the background/interview process. It is really fulfilling, should you ever be interested.

    Sorry for the book.

    Jen M’s last blog post..Like a Blow to the Head, Only Better

  24. Hang on, gal, hang on. You have no idea how much the internet loves you.

    Hugs to you!

    fiveberries’s last blog post..Ta-stinkin’-DA!

  25. Writing is my coping mechanism. There is great happiness in words… and Zoloft.

    Bethany’s last blog post..Ooey Gooey Baby Love

  26. So sorry you’re afraid to slow down. That’s a frightening feeling, as if you’re being chased by a terrible monster. While I can’t say I completely empathize with how you feel, I do struggle with that fear. What happens when I stop to take it all in? I’m afraid the reality of my situation will paralyze me. That I won’t want to wake up in the morning. That my children will have to watch me drown in the emotion of it all. Hang in there. Do you have someone you can talk to? Person to person?

    shauna’s last blog post..An open memo to the handsome Sonic drive-thru guy

  27. I’m not going to answer like everyone else and say “exercise, eat right, and clean clean clean,” because I don’t do those things, and you’re basically describing me when you’re describing yourself.
    Being in the world of walking the razor edge between living dressed and in your PJs all day. You know what I’m talking about…
    I don’t want to give advice b/c I have none – I just know being in touch with others in this blogging world of stranger-friends, I am here for you. You’re damn funny, Miss.
    :)

  28. Depression is such a terrible thing. I have many family members who suffer terribly from it and I hate to watch the pain that they suffer through. In spite of it all you seem to cope well with life and all it has to offer you.

  29. What Nell said!!! It sucks. I know exactly what you’re going through.

    Praying for you –
    Amy

    Amy’s last blog post..Gee Whiz, You Shouldn’t Have!

  30. I did the same for years too. Depression makes you mistrust your own thoughts.

    deb’s last blog post..Second Spring

  31. hugs.

    Butrfly Garden’s last blog post..Overheard:

  32. Oh Casey, I just want to reach out and give you a hug. You said words there that may haunt me “But I’m afraid to slow down, afraid to stop.”I’ve wondered this about myself for the past almost 3 years.

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