When your best friend in the whole entire world and your dearest closest newest friend who means the world to you both tell you that they’re pregnant in the same week a plethora of feelings come bubbling to the surface.
Most of them unpleasant and requiring some form of repentance.
While I am incredibly happy and excited for my friends (really!) these were the third and fourth pregnancies I found out about in the last two weeks. After a round of bitter jealousy and a little tiny pity party, I have chosen the higher *snort* road. I call it the Neener Neener Road. Allow me to take you on a little tour.
On the right you’ll see the diaper shack. I have not had to enter the diaper shack for over three months and nor will I have to enter it for the next ten at least. No poopy diapers to change for AT LEAST A YEAR? Neener neener.
Over here on the left you’ll see the diaper bag emporium. Haven’t had to go into that store for over a year and a half. Instead I shop at the “cute stylish handbag you would never dream of carrying bottles in” store down the street. Neener neener.
Speaking of bottles. I haven’t had to make a bottle in over 28 months. I’m not even sure I remember how. Think of all that money saved on formula (because it was physically impossible for me to nurse) and time saved on washing bottles. Not to mention that I haven’t found a forgotten bottle of curdled stinky milk in a corner for almost two and a half years. Neener neener.
Up there on the hill you’ll see my bed. The bed I slept in for eight hours straight last night. I could have gone to bed when the moosh went to bed and gotten a solid twelve hours but that’s kind of overkill isn’t it? Neener neener.
And last if you’ll just direct your attention to my waist. Yes right there. Twenty eight inches and not a hint of stretch marks. Yes. I do believe this qualifies for a big neener neener.
So there you have it, you pregnant people in my life. You may be relishing in the joys of stretchy pants and blissful new baby smell, but I am relishing in the one curly haired heiress I have contributed to society and becoming okay with the fact that she may be my only contribution.
Take that bunk lady parts. NEENER NEENER.