I never wanted kids. Even in the delivery room with my ankles by my ears I was seriously rethinking the decision to bring a needy, dirty, messy, loud, life encompassing being into my life.
It didn’t come easy to me, the whole mothering gig. I still don’t feel like it does. A while ago I admitted to not loving her right at first. And there’s still days that I count down the minutes to bedtime. Parenting is, well, amazing. Watching them “get” things you’ve taught them. Having “I love you mommy” whispered into your ear. the moosh is so much a part of my life after four years that we’ve become a team. We are left alone so much we have a relationship that she may never have with anyone else. That I may never have with anyone else. It baffles my mind how well I know her, how well she knows me. This doesn’t mean that parenting is easy by any means, it sucks sweaty dog balls sometimes. And yet I am so grateful that I get to be the one to be her mom, that I get to be with her, through good times and big hairy tantrums. And through it all, for the most part, the job of a mother stays thankless. But I’m okay with that.
What I’m trying to say, is that when the beast is asleep and I’m left looking at pictures of her something happens in my chest that I have yet to find a way to describe. Maybe you other moms know what I’m talking about. It’s a tingle. A swelling of your heart, a quickening of your pulse. An intense desire to go in the other room and kiss that little chubby sleeping hand that smells of cookies and bananas. To pick her up and rock her because these days are so numbered. To feel her wispy little hairs tickle my nose, to hear her slow soft breathing. To nuzzle my nose into that warm spot right on the back of her neck that always smells of sunscreen.
I love her so much it hurts.
She’s growing up so fast.
I hope one day she can realize that her mom loves her so much that she can’t even find words to describe it.
And I hope one day she will have a little person of her own to care for and that she will be knocked flat with an overwhelming indescribable love for the warm little body in her arms.
While I want everything in the world for her, I want nothing more than for her to be happy.
You will always be my baby, moosh.