I never wanted kids. Even in the delivery room with my ankles by my ears I was seriously rethinking the decision to bring a needy, dirty, messy, loud, life encompassing being into my life.

It didn’t come easy to me, the whole mothering gig. I still don’t feel like it does. A while ago I admitted to not loving her right at first. And there’s still days that I count down the minutes to bedtime. Parenting is, well, amazing. Watching them “get” things you’ve taught them. Having “I love you mommy” whispered into your ear. the moosh is so much a part of my life after four years that we’ve become a team. We are left alone so much we have a relationship that she may never have with anyone else. That I may never have with anyone else. It baffles my mind how well I know her, how well she knows me. This doesn’t mean that parenting is easy by any means, it sucks sweaty dog balls sometimes. And yet I am so grateful that I get to be the one to be her mom, that I get to be with her, through good times and big hairy tantrums. And through it all, for the most part, the job of a mother stays thankless. But I’m okay with that.

What I’m trying to say, is that when the beast is asleep and I’m left looking at pictures of her something happens in my chest that I have yet to find a way to describe. Maybe you other moms know what I’m talking about. It’s a tingle. A swelling of your heart, a quickening of your pulse. An intense desire to go in the other room and kiss that little chubby sleeping hand that smells of cookies and bananas. To pick her up and rock her because these days are so numbered. To feel her wispy little hairs tickle my nose, to hear her slow soft breathing. To nuzzle my nose into that warm spot right on the back of her neck that always smells of sunscreen.

Sleepy.

I love her so much it hurts.

How I think of her.

She’s growing up so fast.

First day of Ballet

I hope one day she can realize that her mom loves her so much that she can’t even find words to describe it.

Curls.

And I hope one day she will have a little person of her own to care for and that she will be knocked flat with an overwhelming indescribable love for the warm little body in her arms.

Hands.

While I want everything in the world for her, I want nothing more than for her to be happy.

You will always be my baby, moosh.

Comments

  1. That’s quite sweet. It might compel me to produce children of my own, if not for the sucking sweaty dog balls bit.

    Yuk.

    Camille’s last blog post..Just For the Record

  2. Amen. Amen.

    Rachel’s last blog post..Getting me there….

  3. I’m getting the chest thing just looking at my little pile of baby right now. Where you hold your breath without realizing it, and your heart pounds against your ribs, and you are gasping for air because you were so overwhelmed by your baby that you forgot to breathe.

    I always knew my mom loved me, but I never knew HOW she loved me until I had my little Maddie Moo. the moosh will know someday how you love her, too.

    heather’s last blog post..Maddie’s Hospitalized! Part the Third

  4. She is absolutely precious! Seriously. Kind of makes me wish for a little girl… Don’t worry though, I’ll change my mind tomorrow.

    AFRo’s last blog post..Webkinz

  5. I love your honesty, and honestly, the way you love your daughter is beautiful.

    Kerri Anne’s last blog post..Ain’t No Use In Callin’ Out My Name, Gal

  6. What a lovely post! I certainly know what you mean about that feeling and remarkably your heart does allow for more than one true baby love. I didn’t fall in love with my scrawny, crying baby at first either. But she turned 13 this weekend and while she doesn’t smell like cookies (now it’s cupcake perfume- I kid you not!) she still hugs me and tells me she loves me more than anyone else. sigh

    Mim’s last blog post..Wanderlust Part 2

  7. Yes. Everything you said = yes.

    pgoodness’s last blog post..Arbitrary musings

  8. So true…and so sweet! Well said…

  9. Very touching post.

    Trust me, you’re not alone in the whole waiting for the end of the day thing. I always knew I’d be a mom. Eventhough I didn’t change a single diaper until I was 21, I knew that God had a child for me to love (two, actually.) If He had chosen for me to not “give birth” to my baby, He had one (or two) out there who needed me to adopt them.

    Knowing this does not, in any way AT ALL, diminsh the fact that I would gladly pay a pile of money for someone to do this for me just for a little while occasionally. It’s the most exhausting, demanding, rewarding job EVER.

    You’re such a good mom. She’s such a blessed little girl.

    Auburn Gal Always’s last blog post..WDW T-4 days

  10. I think we all have the “oh my golly when will they go to bed” days, but then there are days, or minutes, that we just look at them in awe, and are amazed that they came from US and that things will be ok.

    Kristin’s last blog post..Nothing special

  11. Ahhh, a kid love post. A daughter love post. We’ll expect the opposite tomorrow–that’s just how it goes, eh?

    good&crazy’s last blog post..Mundane Made Maddening

  12. What a beautiful sentiment! Especially in the midst of the mess that is motherhood. Any mother that says there HAVEN’T been days that they counted down until bedtime is lying. Kids are tough, kids can be ugly…but we love them anyway…they are parts of us. Great post!

    Sadie’s last blog post..Happy Birthday K!!!

  13. Beautiful. Simply beautiful.

  14. Wonderfully put. Often that heart-swell thng will hit me out of the blue. Now-a-days I just can’t imagine life without my little girl.

    calicobebop’s last blog post..Slow Cooker Sunday – Roast Beef Sammies

  15. You were totally bawling when you typed this, weren’t you? I would have been. This was lovely. And who wouldn’t love the Moosh? I adore her and I’m not even her mama.

    andi’s last blog post..My feud with Mama Nature continues

  16. Sweet post, Casey.

    And that girl of yours is too cute for words.

    Angella’s last blog post..Plastic Is Drastic

  17. Well said. Well written. I’m glad I ran across your blog.

    Cassey’s last blog post..Number 4

  18. What a sweet post.

    Barb’s last blog post..The Secret to Flat Abs

  19. I agree, it’s too indescribable for words. We’re so very blessed to get to experience that! Moosh is almost as cute as my girls, which is a supremely high compliment. ;)

    kristi’s last blog post..I heart my kids: those that are, were and are still to come!

  20. Perfectly and beautifully described. I knew exactly what you meant but you went on to explain it eloquently. I want to go hug my kid now. Right after I hose him down cause I’m sure he’s playing outside at school and is a sweaty, nasty mess. But THEN I want to hug him. Tightly.

    Indygirl’s last blog post..Me Myself and I

  21. beautiful post…

    staciesmadness’s last blog post..Foot in Mouth – Disease

  22. At work and getting ready to cry right now. I felt this so much the other day, I started crying and just had to go get my sleeping daughter out of bed to snuggle. She’s grown so much lately, I can’t handle it.

    the moosh is just so cute! I’ll have to find out where you’re sending her to dance in Indy. I’m sure she love it!

  23. At work right now and just ready to cry. I felt that way the other day and even pulled my little girl out of bed to snuggle her. She’s grown so much lately, I can’t handle it.

    the moosh is just so cute. Thanks for the great post. I’ll have to find out where you’re taking her to dance in Indy. I’ve checked around, and every place I’ve starts accepting at age 3. So we’ll wait a few months.

  24. Sorry for the triple post there. My comment disappeared, so I retyped….ooops! :)

  25. What a beautiful post, and so absolutely true … it just so happens today is one of those days I needed to be reminded of the “love”!
    thanks

  26. I am right there with you. I didn’t realize how intense this love feeling could get until H came along.

    EMama’s last blog post..I’m My Dad?

  27. Wonderful post. I hope you save all these for the moosh to read when she is older. Might be good ammo when teenage angst hits!

    Megan’s last blog post..“It’s like a total party zoo.”

  28. I couldn’t have said it better myself! Save this post for Moosh for when she gets older. It will mean so much to her.

    Worker Mommy’s last blog post..We’ve become those neighbors

  29. Such a beautiful post.

    Colleen’s last blog post..Brusha Brusha

  30. I SO understand. I used to go in and pick up my little boy and hold him when he was asleep. There is a certain smell that he has even at 11 that is very familiar that is like a part of me — ok, well there are SOME smells that I am SURE are not a part of me (*whew* just sayin) but there’s something so eerily familiar about him, it’s like he has a part of my soul and I am grateful he has it and it’s not left empty.

    Darla’s last blog post..Remember the days before “Lorraine”?

  31. Oh and BTW I hate the way you make me cry almost every single time I visit your blog. I’m gunna start calling you Barbara WaWa.

    Darla’s last blog post..Remember the days before “Lorraine”?

  32. So beautiful!
    And so true!

    Skye’s last blog post..Sometimes i hate nursery

  33. “knocked flat with an overwhelming indescribable love…”

    Exactly.

  34. I have tears. And a jealousy of that camera. Love.

    Kimmie’s last blog post..Going to miss…

  35. I wish more then anything that I could tell my Mother that I finally understand how much she loved me. And that I could tell her how sorry I am for questioning it so many times.
    I never really knew, not until I had a child of my own.
    That this love is unlike any other.

    Clink’s last blog post..there’s something about Ernie

  36. honesty is awesome.

    gwendomama’s last blog post..PLUGGED IN!

  37. Lisa in TX says:

    I call my mom on my birthday, every year, and tell her, “Thank you for putting up with me all those years.” We have so much fun hanging out together, now, and I know it’s because she loved me even when I was a total pill.

    Now, with my own kids, I have days when I want to literally toss them in bed (an hour early, at that) but then get all mushy when I take a few breaths and sing them a song or something. I actually cried, about a month after my daughter made the final switch to big girl panties, last year, because my baby was most definitely not a baby any more.

  38. Thanks for the kind comment. I swear, you are an echo of my future self’s feelings, if that makes any sense. I wrote more about the not wanting kids/wanting kids dichotomy…it’s only been about six months that I’ve felt like this and it’s still incredibly confusing.

    I’m definitely bookmarking this blog. Thanks for putting it out there!

  39. Right on. Mine drive me SO CRAZY but at the end of the day all I want to do is just feel their warm little bodies in my arms. It’s always a privilege to be their mom. (Even when it’s also really an embarrassment.) :)

    Jenny from Mommin’ it Up!’s last blog post..WFMW: the Coupon Binder

  40. I beleive that you have just captured exactly and precisely what being a mom feels like especially to me. I feel the EXACT same way! I love my kids so much I haven’t ever been able to put it into words. Thanks for writing that…

    Whitney’s last blog post..My New “Toy” !!!

  41. Beautiful post. I am late and catching up on blogs..
    Just wanted to add..that this feeling never goes away. Even when they are all grown up..you still feel that love and that tingly feeling. :)

  42. Yes! I totally know that feeling. When mine’s been especially beasty, I go right for the pictures as she’s asleep in the back room. It fills me RIGHT UP TO THE TOP again.

    *sigh*

    the new girl’s last blog post..Fun Fact Friday!!

  43. Thanks for your interesting article

  44. Hmm. Good post.