You know what body of mine? We need to talk. I know I told the people at the DMV you weigh 125 lbs. and that it’s a wee bit of a fabrication. But you know one of my New Year’s resolutions is to get down to the weight on our driver’s license if even for a day. You know how I hate to lie.

Is that why you’re so angry at me?

I had such grand plans for starting anew after my 26th birthday. You know the whole “spring has sprung” “spring cleaning clean sweep” garbage? I was going to take really good care of us. I was going to feed us really well, take you to the gym, firm you up a little. I know, I know, I’ve been a total slacker since Florida. But you’re the one that let some virus bacteria bug of death take residence. You could have said no! Don’t come in! We don’t want to be sick! But did you? No! You invited that bugger right in to plop down in the Barca lounger that is my lymphatic system and watch the remainder of the NBA playoffs with a non alcoholic beer in one hand and massive amounts of phlegm in the other.

C’mon body, you know I hate basketball.

And don’t try to make me like you with that whole “But with all the coughing you’re doing you’re developing killer abs!” bit. I see right through it. And this whole losing our appetite and even if we get one we couldn’t use it because it hurts to swallow anything more than water and a handful of pills? Stupid. That’s right, I said stupid. Couldn’t you have picked a better time to have gotten sick? Like when Cody’s around for longer than four hours in the middle of the night or when the weather outside is sucky or when I’ve just gone to the grocery store? Even better! How about next time you get sick you plan a time when there’s ugly doctors at the hospital? Huh? Is that too much to ask?

Seriously, I thought I was going to die when Dr. Hot touched my ankle to see if my fever had gone down. Do you really need to reproduce our leg hair that quickly and in such great multitudes? I tell you, it’s completely unnecessary!

I’ll tell you what body. When we get better I am going to show you who’s boss. I am going to feed you so much broccoli and whole grains you’re not even going to have time to crave cupcakes and Skittles. I’m going to drag your flabby rear to the gym so often you’re going to be begging for mercy. Oh, don’t think I won’t do it? Oh I will. Just you watch.

What? You want a tan like all of your other body friends?

NO!

I won’t even let our skin see the light of day without a minimum of SPF 50. And that big goofy hat I wore today? You know the one everyone made fun of? The one that has its own planetary orbit? Get used to it body. Because our head is going to be wearing it all summer. Oh you’ll thank me later young lady. When all of your other body friends are big wrinkled leather bags with skin cancer you’ll be singing my praises. And the praises of my big goofy hat.

Oh yes you will, don’t give me any of that. Shape up body. We’re in this together, and if you want to go wearing that red swimsuit we just got to the pool this summer you’d better start listening to me.

Hey! Don’t turn your back on me! I’m talking to you! Hello?

Comments

  1. They never listen.

  2. I KNEW I loved you. At least my body loves your, uh… noooo, how to say, how to say… a girl after my own… back fat. ;)

    kristi’s last blog post..Friends

  3. Every body needs a good rebuking every now and again.

    Camille’s last blog post..{I Self-Medicate With Cardboard Pizza}

  4. Hi Casey, I’m sorry to say but “back fat” is largely caused by your bra. Exercising or diet will help a little, but changing your bra will help a lot. I can definitely relate to the back fat and muffin top issues. I have tried every exercise and diet, but nothing seemed to work. I then saw a TV show with the skinniest of models. To my surprise they too had back fat. Then they explained… any time you have elastic bands pushing into flesh, you will get bulges. They demonstrated by twisting a rubber band on the models wrist. That was a light bulb moment.
    Then they showed some new bras… I really liked the Unbelievabra by a new company Shapeez (www.unbelievabra.com) so I went online and order one. It hides all my little (and not so little) imperfections left over from having 2 kids. It provides shaping, support and lift. It is so comfortable, I have since trashed all my other bras. It is worth a try.

  5. Seriously, I just had a similar conversation with my flabby bum like just the other day when I saw a sweet picture of me walking away with my girls…..and my huge, gigantic bum tucked into my capris!

    ellinghouse’s last blog post..Beana Baby Sling – review

  6. hahaha You tell that body who’s boss!

    Rhea’s last blog post..Hot blonde in a pick-up truck

  7. Funny post. Especially after your previous cupcake post on 4/5. What happened to all those cupcakes?!? ;)

    Kristin’s last blog post..I may have jinxed it

  8. Oh, but I am feeling your pain at this point. This weekend? Just in time for my big exam yesterday? Yeah, my body decided it wanted to party with some bacteria. GREAT. Nothing like blowing your nose every two minutes, having bloodshot eyes, and a voice hoarse enough to have been a pack-a-day 20+ year smoker to make make an oral exam go smoothly… GAH.

    Hope you feel better soon !

    Z’s last blog post...

  9. I’m not sure it’s fair to speak to your body like that when you tempt it with those lovely cupcakes like that. A body only has so much self control.

    Kelly’s last blog post..How I met the husband, Part II

  10. I had one cupcake thank you very much. When you make the things and know what goes into each one they lose all appeal. That’s why I bake so much and only weigh 133 lbs.

  11. i try to have those conversations with my body…but she NEVER listens.

    ali’s last blog post..it’s just a number, right? dear god, tell me it’s just a number!

  12. Amen! I have the same conversation with my body all the time. Body’s winning these days though. Being prego the scale just keeps going up, up, up….

    ashlee’s last blog post..Being Replaced

  13. Perhaps you could have a stern talk with my body next. Its been running with a bad crowd.

    Melanie at Beanpaste’s last blog post..Cakery

  14. Well at least you are speaking to your body. I have been ignoring mine for years. The b*tch just wouldn’t cooperate.

    Megan’s last blog post..The Dog Freak

  15. All I gotta say is, regardless if you lost it because of pregnancy or not, you lost a helluva lot of weight a couple years ago. Seriously impressive (because you didn’t just lose it, you kept it off.) I was just scrolling through your archives recently and read about that. . . and then you posted this today.

    In the interest of full disclosure though, I have knee fat. Not just back fat, but actual knee fat.

    The Prologue of My Life’s last blog post..Day 5: My Demise

  16. This was awesome.

    You crack me up, yo.

    Angella’s last blog post..I Love This Stage

  17. Mmmmm. Cupcakes and Skittles. Gooood.

    mommypie’s last blog post..Shake Your Baby Maker

  18. I just want you to know that I’d give my right ovary to weigh 125 pounds!

  19. When your body listens, please share with me your secret. I wrote a letter like this to my horrible foot that continues to betray me and it still hasn’t listened *sigh*.

    Worker Mommy’s last blog post..What happens when you have 2 bloggers and a bunch of adult toys ?

  20. Three weeks after giving birth to my second child-18 months apart, I had to bring both of them to the DMV to renew my license. My husband, although not in law school, was working hours like your husband (read: non-existent most hours of the day). So I had eClaire strapped to my front, BC @ 18 months old running around, waiting at the DMV.

    Ya.

    Anyways when it was finally my turn I had to put write down my current weight on the paper. Mind you, I had just GIVEN BIRTH. No way I was going to put down how much I weighed that day… better put down my “normal” weight. 120. cough, cough. Ya, not anymore.

    But I digress.

    This part of my story is true. I swear. I would not make it up.

    The man pulled down his glasses looked at me and said, “Are you sure you are STILL 120 lbs??”

    Bastard.

    I practically cried as I screamed, “I just gave birth THREE WEEKS AGO. THREE WEEKS. I’ll be that weight again soon. So BACK OFF!”

    Well, I’m still not 120, and I fear I’ll never see it again, but my license says I am! :-) It also says I’m naturally blond!
    And 5’6″.

    Ha! Take that DMV!

    Smiling Mom’s last blog post..A quote that brought tears to my eyes.

  21. Hey that’s funny. Maybe you could try ‘love&Logic’ on it? Give it a few time-outs? Or how about taking away a privilege? I know…in that really stern voice…say, “Just wait until your DAD gets HOME!”. That should do the trick.

    Good & Crazy’s last blog post..Help me name a new blog?

  22. Hi Casey. It’s me, andi. Your terrible blog friend who never leaves you comments any more. I’ve just been so busy going to the gym waging war on my body (ha! who’s lying now?)

    Seriously, loved this. Why can’t cupcakes and Skittles be healthy? Why can’t typing be muscle building exercise? Sigh.

    andi’s last blog post..Keeping you in the loop

  23. I heart you.

    metalia’s last blog post..Blogging Goddesses+Ethical Dilemma=My Tuesday Night

  24. Exercising is boring. I say, keep the back fat and hide stuff in there to impress your friends. They’ll be all like, oohh, and aaahh, and I want some back fat too!!

    Hippo Brigade’s last blog post..Donkeys Made of Marshmallows

  25. Hey Moosh,

    I’m also struggling with the weight loss this month. Only I never considered talking to my body like it was separate from me. After reading your post, it dawned on me that what you did through this post might be exactly what i need to do. If i approach “dieting” from the punishing-my-body not punishing-myself aspect, maybe I could make some progress. For example, every time i’m craving BREAD (the evil monster), I can just pretend it’s not ME who’s craving it, rather my body and find the will power to deprive my body of evilness rather than depriving myself. Bottom line is, it’s all about how you convince yourself to stay away from the evil foods…

    This was quite inspirational… Thanks!

    –Sullivan

    Sullivan’s last blog post..The New Narcotic: FOOD!

  26. awe, I sure hope that body of yours listens…and if it does, please tell me how to get mine to do the same.

    Back fat = back boobs requiring bra (in my world)

    staciesmadness’s last blog post..No clever title

  27. ok…now i feel motivated. i don’t really have back fat…that i can tell, but my legs and arms need some major help. and i’ve gained about 10 pounds since christmas. (i had just lost that 10 pounds the two months before. and i wasn’t even trying to lose it. it just happened. but i still didn’t want it to come back! it’s the winter i tell you…i sat on my hind parts and blogged for 3 months since it was so frakking freezing here. now that the temps have warmed up i need to get out. seriously! oh…and i should stop eating crap. that would help i’m sure!

    natalie’s last blog post..Brian, he’s so bad!

  28. Good for you and the big hat! My mom stopped going out in the sun when she was 31. She is now 58 and seriously has zero wrinkles. Her skin is so incredibly gorgeous. I have to keep reminding myself that my pale skin will be worth it!

  29. I totally think my body hates me, or is plotting against me. Always a struggle. When I was in college I ballooned to 220 lbs. And the only way I was able to get rid of it was to work out twice a day, it sucked because of my love affair with anything sugar or chocolate. But I lost around 70 lbs.

    As for pale skin, I am very close to being transparent. So the sun is not my friend. SPF 45 at least and always a hat when I know I will be outside for a long period of time. Been doing that since I was a teen and the only wrinkle I have is a smile line on one side and I plan to keep it that way. Granted I am only 31, but I intend to fight it every step of the way.

    Just Me’s last blog post..the digital age…

  30. This is so awesome! I can’t beleive I never thought of giving my body a good firm talking to! Let me know how that works out for ya!

    Melody’s last blog post..ANOTHER Birthday!!

  31. My body and I don’t converse anymore. Bad things would be said. I bitch at it every day because of the bad back that requires daily meds. Maybe if I talk nicely it will be nicer to me?

    Kristin’s last blog post..Why I need more coffee.

  32. I’m going through the same thing, but I have a leeeetle more to lose than you thanks to the 2,500 calorie per day diet my OB prescribed during pregnancy. A little hard considering the nausea and lack of appetite, but I managed. The only thing that didn’t make me hurl was sugar, so those cupcakes and skittles would have been toast.

    Heather’s last blog post..The Birth and Triumph of Madeline Alice

  33. Back fat… at least you can hide under a loose sweater. Have you seen my ARMS? There’s no hiding those bad boys.

  34. ha ha, hilarious. I love your sense of humor. Seriously, if your body starts listening, would you mind sending it over to have a serious chat with mine. I think mine has gone on strike, I’m not sure why, I made it a delicious plate of cookies and rice krispie treats yesterday, not to mention the oh so delicious bag of white chocolate cocoa lindt balls in the pantry. Seriously why does it hate me?

    Tonya’s last blog post..MUMMY’S TOY?