moosh in indy.

Who’s played Wii Fit?

Has it made you cry yet?

Have you at least sworn at it?

I have.

You see, Wii Fit is a computer. It could care less if you’re a hulking beast of muscle. All it knows is that you’re 5′2″ 26 years old and that you weigh 127 lbs. It doesn’t know about your delicate wrists or your slender neck. It just knows that mathematically the BMI for a 5′2″ 127 lb. 26 year old woman is 21.47.

21.47 is normal, 21.47 is healthy. It even tells you you’re normal and healthy. It will even indulge you with a Wii Fit age of 24 years old.

Aw, Wii Fit, you’re making me blush.

Hop on Wii Fit a week later after two days of period water weight bloat and a half box of Oreos from the night before and the Wii Fit will notice that you are now a 5′3″ woman who weighs 128.2 lbs. The Wii Fit will then draw an ENORMOUS RED LINE at a very steep angle from your previously recorded weight of 127 lbs. followed by a screen giving you six options as to why you’ve gained weight.

Why do you think you’ve gained weight this past week Casey?

a. I eat too much.

b. I eat before bed.

c. I don’t exercise enough.

d. I watch too much SYTYCD.

e. I eat half bags of Oreos in one sitting.

f. I don’t know.

No where is there an option for “I am a bloated heifer carrying around enough extra water weight to drown a small dinghy”.

So I selected “I don’t know.”

Wii Fit came back and told me some garbage about me being accountable for my eating habits and he’s just sure I know why I gained two pounds and to play Wii Fit everyday and he won’t let me get tubby like I’m letting myself get tubby without his cute computer sounds and addictive games.

This is when the Wii Fit was formally told to suck it.

Wii Fit then made my Mii avatar chubbier around the midsection, to reflect my newfound weight gain.

Touché , Wii Fit. touché .

I don’t drink. Used to. Don’t anymore. In my choice of religion we are commanded to follow the Word of Wisdom. The word of wisdom basically breaks down to “eat stuff that’s good for you, avoid the stuff that’s bad for you.” Included in the list of things which are good for you are fruits, vegetables, whole grains and meat (in moderation). Duh. The things that fall under the “bad” category are alcohol, tobacco, coffee and tea.

(By the way, to any new readers, HI! I’m a Mormon. If you hate Mormons, kindly keep your mean emails and comments to yourself and just click away, hit unsubscribe and forget that 12,000,000 of us share the same planet as you. kthxbai)

So there you go. I don’t drink. That isn’t to say that I never drank, because WHOO did I drink. And you know what? It really isn’t for me. With my depression and inability to control myself as a hot drunken mess it’s really just better that I don’t. So even if it weren’t for the religious direction not to drink, I still wouldn’t drink. Same with cigarettes, tried one once, gagged and vomited in my mouth a little. Plus I spend a lot of money to smell good, why waste all that effort? As for the coffee and tea? I’ve had one sip of coffee in my entire life. Totally not for me. Icky. Tea? I broke down and tried some “magical” ginger tea whilst I was pregnat. Let’s just say that vomiting up ginger tea solidified my passionate hatred for all things ginger.

So that brings us to BlogHer, where the liquor and coffee flow pretty freely. I won’t be drinking any of it. However, I’ll probably be keeping a Shirley Temple and hot chocolate count somewhere in my sidebar. I personally am a lot more fun sober. Although when you see me dance, you may wonder if I didn’t take a little nip when no one was looking.

Are you worried I’ll be talking to you all the while silently judging you and condemning you to hell for that gin and tonic in your hands?

Depends. Are you going to be accosting me insisting that I shove liquor down my throat, calling me a big holier than thou sissypants sissy for not drinking?

No? Didn’t think so. Just as I know you will respect my reasons for not drinking, I wholly respect your decision to drink. You’re a big girl, you can handle yourself. So assuming Shirley Temples are free, I’ll have a few drink tickets up for grabs.

See you in 19 days ladies.

That’s right my friends. With my new found riches from GE Caulk Singles I am going to sponsor one lucky readers hair TRANSFORMATION-mation-mation-mation…

Nothing can make a bad day good or a good day better like a great hair day.

I am here to make that happen for one lucky lady (or dude, whatever, but I’m going to warn you dudes the ladies are going to be pretty cranky if you get up in their hair contest.)

What’s even better? The hair goddess Sarah from Whoorl has agreed to join me in my efforts. The winner will be fast tracked to the FRONT! OF! THE! LINE! over at Hair Thursday (you know, the little hair site that has been in the NY Times and on Nightline? Yeah that one, the one with a massive waiting list?) Sarah herself will decide on a new style for the winner, readers will vote, off someone will go to a salon chair somewhere in the world to get a fabulous new do that they will come back and show off on Hair Thursday-all paid for by me and my cock caulk money (up to $140 USD).

Now here’s what you have to do.

You have to write a post on your own personal blog (Yes, you must have a blog for this contest, sorry.) sometime between today and Midnight EST Monday, July 14th.

• You must link back to this original entry and to Hair Thursday. Then, leave a comment on this post with a link to your entry. Each entry has to include:
• a picture from your horrid hair past (even if it was twenty minutes or twenty years ago) Like say, this one. (I know, believe me, I know. Where do you even begin making fun of such a photo?)

• a picture of a really good hair day captured on film (again, anytime in your life) Like this one perhaps:

• and a picture of where your hair stands today (or sits, or flies away, or frizzes, or poofs). (Which just happens to be like the above photo for me. Everyday. My hair is magical. Heh. Whatever.)

Anything else you add is completely up to you. The winner will be picked randomly from all qualifying entries and announced whilst Sarah and I are in San Francisco (between Thursday, July 18th and Sunday, July 20).

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Fine print? Well, to make sure you use the money for your hair, arrangements will be made with the winner for payment. I will either purchase a gift certificate to the salon of your choosing or will call the salon personally to make payment arrangements. You’ll also have to provide photos of your hair being done in a salon atmosphere, no Miss Clairol and home and passing it off as professional. You have to get your hair DONE and DONE RIGHT. You deserve it.)

Good luck!