In my head is a little room that I keep all my post ideas in. It is currently quite full, and yet there is a fat kid blocking the door so none of the posts can get out.

That fat kid is this post.

You may have noticed me talking about pregnancy the last few days. A few newer readers assumed I was trying to ease you all into a little secret known as “I’m totally pregnant.” Alas, that is not the secret, as much as I wish it was.

It is me trying to remember all I can about the one pregnancy I had in case in doesn’t happen for me again, it’s dawning on me that this is a huge possibility. At least once a day the moosh asks about her brothers and sisters and wonders where the heck they are. I simply tell her it’s not my turn yet.

It may never be my turn again.

82% of monogamous couples who participate in unprotected sex will get pregnant within 9 months. It’s been over three years for us. To that? I say, “bah.”

This is where I get a little crazy. While I would never wish a miscarriage upon anyone, and I myself have never experienced the heartache that surely results from one, I almost wish it would happen to me.

To give me some sort of twisted assurance that my body is still capable of getting pregnant.

Crazy right?

Alas, with all this focus on not being able to get pregnant, I forget this whole thing called Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) that is quite likely to happen again if and when I ever do get pregnant. It was bad enough the first time and I only had to worry about myself. But now I have the moosh to worry about and I’m thousands of miles away from any family.

So before I even worry about the stress (and blessing of course) of having two children, I have to worry about staying alive for the 9 months it will take to bake the second one. I don’t have 60 pounds to lose this time.

I’d like to be all faithful and thankful that it’s not happening because it’s just not our time yet. And yet having babies born around me all. the. time. makes me a little jealous and huffy. Why is it everyone else’s turn? Their oldest kids are younger than the moosh in most cases. Meh.

I’m able to hold on to that faith for a while. A sweet woman at church wrote me a random note saying that it’s not my fault that I can’t get pregnant, the Lord needs me just the way I am for now so that I can do His work. And it’s true, I couldn’t do a lot of what I do with a second mop of curly hair in tow.

It’s really hard to throw myself a pity party when I look at it that way.

Yet at the same time, it’s so easy to look at it in the sense that I’m just not stable enough to handle two.

So actually the Lord is doing everyone a favor and keeping me a mother of one. Heh. You’re welcome Cody.

Pessimism, optimism, I can go either way depending on the day.

As for adoption? While I greatly admire those who choose to adopt, we have yet to feel that adoption is what we personally are meant to do.

There may be more on this subject later. But I’ve pretty much shoved the fat kid through the door. We’ll see if he parks it on the stoop now or scrams.

Comments

  1. As someone who has experienced both miscarriage AND throwing up for 30 weeks out of a 34 week pregnancy I would have to say I prefer the latter.

    While I understand needing to know that you can get pregnant I wouldn’t wish a miscarriage on my worst enemy.

    Hang in there. Whatever is meant to happen will happen.

    Sarah, Goon Squad Sarahs last blog post..All That and a Baggie Full of Ham

  2. thanks for saying what so many of us also live with. and your so good at saying it, too!

    (timing is everything: i just spent a good hour yesterday looking at the indiana adoption site…)

    it’s a roller coaster, this life — isn’t it? i don’t always like the belly-busters but i’m glad i’m still on the ride. :)

    Kets last blog post..Among the many things that I shouldn’t let myself do…

  3. I’m glad you’re getting this out there. It’s not good just rattling around in your head, messing you up inside. Now you can have all this wonderful validation from your readers AND you are helping so many people who are struggling with the same. There are so many things in life I just don’t understand and probably won’t until I die and I can ask my list of questions. It sucks, but I just know that HF knows what he’s doing with you. Loves!

    Barb @ getupandplays last blog post..Spencer Family Camping

  4. I too am trying to make peace with the possibility that one is it for me. Some days I rail against it, some days I try to think of all the advantages of having only R. And some days I’m just so depressed I don’t even want to contemplate the future without another wee babe to call our own (most often PMS days). So I feel you. Deeply.

    Michelles last blog post..Open letter to Comcast

  5. you amaze me, Casey. your ability to keep your faith and to sometimes see this as glass-half-full-ish. i can’t relate, but my best friend suffered with infertility for years, and i suffered right along with her. HUGS, my friend :)

    alis last blog post..made famous well before Ashton Kutcher…

  6. *sigh*
    Casey, I have nothing. You amaze me and you remain in my prayers, you are strong, funny and brilliant.
    Your faith resonates in every word and that in itself is a gift.

    rachels last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Monkey Style

  7. Here’s to hoping when you are your hubby are both truly ready, it (pregnancy) happens for you.

  8. And here I thought you were going to talk about Easter. I couldn’t help but think it was a little soon for that ;) We go through the same thing in this house, the oldest and youngest are 4.5 years apart, the little one is 2.5 and we have been trying since she was 1 to get prego again. You are not alone and I hope that you understand talking about it not only helps you but thousands out there feeling the same way! :)

  9. ugh, grr and HUGS.

    staciesmadnesss last blog post..Wordless Wednesday

  10. I have one too Casey, and ours aren’t that far apart in age. I wanted to start trying as soon as we married seven years ago, but DH wanted to wait. And so we did. And when he finally felt ready it took over a year to get the one we have.
    Every day I flip between wanting another one, and being nervous about wanting another one. I had bad PPD with the first. Every day I feel like kicking myself for being a grouchy mother who can’t stand the whining of a 3 year old.
    Yesterday my friend had her third, and I was there for the occasion. Again, wishing to have another one. And now I am being constantly asked when we’re having another one. And the 3 year old is asking when I’m going to get a baby in my belly.

    And I just don’t know.

    I know women can still have babies into their forties, and I’m getting to that age. But can the question I am facing is whether *I* could handle having a second one in my forties.

    I’m tired of the fat kid.

    Antonettes last blog post..Family Fun

  11. Kristen says:

    I’m sure you already know it takes at least two years for your body to completely recover from a pregnancy… much less an HG pregnancy. Don’t write yourself off just yet.

    I’m almost seven months into my second HG pregnancy and I know for absolute certain that I will never be able to do this again. As you say, last time I only had to worry about keeping myself alive. This time I went for weeks without seeing my son (who is four now). He stayed with family, because I was completely incapable of taking care of him. I felt like a complete failure.

    It’s awful to say, even to think, but if we knew I would be so sick again – we would not have had another child. When I was at my worst, I would wish that it was all over with. That I could just miscarry, and end the endless sickness. THAT wish makes it clear to me that we’re done. Who, in their right mind, hopes for a miscarriage of a pregnancy they waited three years for?

  12. Carolynn says:

    I just went through a miscarriage, and…believe me. You don’t want that. I know you weren’t meaning it to be an insensitive thing, but…take my word for it. You don’t.

    Mine are 4 1/2 years apart. Don’t give up hope…you never know what God has in store for you.

  13. Let me preface this by saying that I’m not a mom and I can’t even begin to empathize with what you’re feeling. I’m also not what you would call a religous person (that’s not a random statement, promise).

    That being said, during yoga tonight you (specifically this post) popped into my head. (I’m going to go ahead and skim over the mild creepiness (for you) of that…) More specifically the phrase about HG and not having another 60lbs to lose. Now, you may have already thought of this or someone may have mentioned it in the comments above, but it occured to me during down dog that the last time you were pregnant you had gained an significant amount of weight. I don’t remember if there was a direct cause for this weight gain, but it would seem that someone/something, or Someone/Something had prepared your body for your pregnancy with the moosh. Knowing that in a year or so you would NEED that weight to help you and the moosh.

    All this not say that it was an easy pregnancy or pass off a platitude of “it will happen when it will happen” but rather for me, not sure what I believe in to begin with, noticing this made me think that someone (God, Buddah, Karma, etc) has you in mind and that when/if you get pregnant again that someone will most definitely have you in mind again.

    For now, at least, you know that you have everyone who commented here (and more who didn’t) has you in mind. And that’s a lot of Casey/the moosh love.

  14. No platitudes here, just sorry you feel bad.

    :(

    maggie, dammits last blog post..Fear and self-loathing in the Midwest

  15. Isn’t it weird that our lives are usually never what we imagined they would be when we played “house” as little girls? (Or at least, mine isn’t the way I imagined).

    I just wish it could be simple, and those women who long to be mothers and wives could just (snap!) be mothers and wives. I have people telling me “it’s not my time” to get married, and I guess I’m finally starting to believe them. I know God knows what He’s doing a heckuvalot more than me. But it certainly is frustrating…

    The lady at your church is right, though. You might not post here as much with another little one, and we would miss you terribly! (Just kidding…I’m not QUITE that selfish). ;-)

    Hollys last blog post..Yabba Dabba Don’t?

  16. I think it is all very normal to feel all these things. I know from friends that the worst thing to tell them is that it will happen when it is meant to happen. But it seems to ring true.

    Hang in there!

    Kristabellas last blog post..I’m Ready To Go Home Now

  17. It took 3 years of trying to get Princess and we’re almost at the 3 year mark at trying for a sibling so I can empathize with everything you wrote about in this post.

    And doesn’t it make that fat kid even fatter when other people, maybe a MIL, keeps prying on when you’re going to have another child because she always thought that the age difference between her brother and herself was too far apart. And you want your daughter to be close and have a friendship with her sibling, right?

    Or is that just me?

    Oh, and you’re not crazy for thinking that a miscarriage would be better. When I had my ‘chemical pregnancy’ March 07 I rejoiced because Honey and I actually managed to conceive again. I cried like crazy when the bleeding started but a small part of my is still cheering that we actually had a positive pregnancy test.

    T with Honeys last blog post..Which Princess are you?

  18. Aw I’m sorry. (((hugs)))

    I never had problems concieving and have the large family (five) I was hoping for, but now I feel I can never complain when I’m going crazy.

    After all – I chose this.

    mamacrows last blog post..Chim-chiminey, chim-chiminey, chim-chim cheroo…

  19. 10 years of monogamous sex…no birth control…I just found out I’m pregnant – and I’m 47. It can happen…when you least expect it. I wish you luck and joy in yours when it happens…

  20. I was planning a Raggedy Ann and Andy Nursery when my nieces and nephew came to live with me.

    I have a brand new crib and everything tucked in a closet. I thought it was just going to be put on hold while their mother got her $%^& together, I figured we’d be able to save up for the fertility treatments (hubs is a quad so we’d need sperm retrieval)in the mean time but two and a half years later we’ve adopted all 5 of them.

    I’ve had the tests done, I can have children, they tell me I’m young (32). But the kids have multiple disorders and Hubs…well there’s his lifespan to consider and the cost! The cost of 5 kids and a house we’ve outgrown overnight.

    It sucks knowing that I can physically have children but probably never will because of life’s circumstances.

    Sometime’s I think it would be better if I couldn’t physically have children. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt so bad.

    I know people will say I already have 5 and I should be happy, but it’s really not the same.

    Sashas last blog post..Why I should have just stayed in bed…

  21. In the same sense that you’ve “wished” for that, I’ve sort of wanted to have a reason better than straight fear for me never having another. Like saying “I can’t.” would be more accepted than “I don’t want to.”

    Loves ya, Casey.

    Butrfly Gardens last blog post..Mr. T