One of my friends let me know that she had heard my blog mentioned to day on a local radio station as a resource for depression. Phew. Nicole? Thanks for letting me know. And Laura, whoever you are? Thank you for thinking I know what I’m talking about.

I looked around tonight for my journals. I started one in 1994 when I had my first crush on Greg Shumway. I’ve kept one ever since. Uh, well, I kept one until I got a blog. So uh, welcome to my journal! My current crush is Cody, I think he’s sooooo cute. We share a bedroom together. The other day he said he thought I was funny. I think he’s going to ask me out. Gosh, he’s soooo cute.

Ahem. Anyway. As expected my journals are locked up tight in a Tupperware bin in the back of the closet of cluttery mysteries. And rightfully so. There are secrets and stories in those journals that can take hold of me like poison and drag me down before I can scream uncle. Cody has read them. I decided to reread them a while back and wondered why Cody was still coming home everyday after reading what was written in those pages. I was my own worst enemy. I hated myself. I destroyed myself. I was a hot mess.

One journal has an obituary I wrote out for myself, complete with picture.

Another has a piece of sandpaper I used to rub my wrists down to the bone with.

Many pages are filled with scathing letters to my family, mostly my mom. (HI! SORRY MOM! LOVE YOU! Whew! I was a stinker huh?)

One sentence reads “I was feeling ugly today so I called Chris (fake name) to make out (ahem) to feel better about myself.”

Many entries were written drunk.

Many pages are tear stained.

Some include pictures of old boyfriends, phone numbers written on matchbox covers and poems written to me by some boy trying to woo me out of my drawers.

I look back at what I allowed myself and others to do to my body. I felt sad and angry that my body, which should have only been given to my husband, had been through so much.

But supposedly your skin renews itself every three years and your skeleton renews itself every seven years. Which means that finally, after seven years of marriage, my body is my own again. Cody’s the only one who has ever been with this renewed physical body. And now that my body feels healed, my mind is having a much easier time recovering also.

And that? Feels good.

Comments

  1. I used to keep journals, too, but not since I’ve been blogging. They’re tucked away some place safe. I don’t get them out much because they remind me of how sad and insecure I was as a young person.

    Assertagirls last blog post..The First Ever Assertagirl Caption Contest

  2. i have been reading your blog for some time now but have never commented…i just wanted to write now and tell you thank you, thank you for being you and for being honest, i love reading your blog!

    Amies last blog post..he makes me laugh…

  3. I think it’s awesome and brave that your husband read your journals. I couldn’t even keep mine. I actually destroyed them. I just couldn’t deal with reading them anymore.

    Mrs. Schmittys last blog post..The Dreaded C Word

  4. Wow. I can’t believe you were able to allow him to read that. Brave. My old journals are embarrassing in that dopey typical teen way and I could never share them with my husband. You have something amazing there.

    slynnros last blog post..Cheaper Alternatives to Products Slynnro Reccomends

  5. That was brave of you–firstly to write them at all, secondly to let your husband read them, and thirdly to share them with the world.

    Your theory on renewed bodies is very inspiring, and one that I will take to heart myself. Thank you.

    Camilles last blog post..The Sweet Life of a Single Wife

  6. Brave woman. I asked my husband to never read my journals. Am thinking of having him burn them when I’m gone. But maybe I’ll let the kid decide if he wants to read through the drivel. I don’t write much on paper anymore, either, but I do miss it. I love journals and notebooks.

    beckys last blog post..And so it goes – something ends, something else begins

  7. This post has resonated with me since I read it yesterday. I went to listen to the radio clip. (And P.S….this means you’re officially only ONE person away from knowing everyone in Indy…true that). There’s a more universal theme here, Casey. You’re appealing to women everywhere, and the struggles they face with any kind of role change or role definition — be it wife, pregnant woman, mom, daughter, sister, friend. And that’s why God gave you such an incredible gift…to touch the lives of so many. When you know that God has touched you in such a way, you know things are going to work out perfectly…the way they’re supposed to.
    P.S. Who’s started the “I Hear Casey” fan club?! I wanna be a charter member.

  8. Amy in StL says:

    Wow, I had no idea. I like the idea of your body renewing itself. I’ve also had some bad past issues that I think I’ve finally grown out of. The idea of being totally renewed in seven years seems like a nice fresh start – way better than carrying all that past luggage around.

  9. beautiful.

  10. I kept an old journal for about 10 years before I finally threw it in the burn barrel. It was liberating.

    Half-Past Kissin’ Times last blog post..Reunion Recap

  11. I’ve seriously considered mailing my high school journals to Eric Roundy…since they are all about him. I was such a a loser.

    (Cody’s a good guy! You should keep him around.)

  12. That’s such a great concept: the skin and bones renewing themselves. I’ll have to think on that one a while, but I am initially comforted by it. I, too, have a lot of decisions I regret from when I was younger, things I did for the wrong reasons that ultimately were because I hated myself. And it sometimes seems tragic that I wasted those years on people who didn’t love me. So thanks for that renewal concept because it really rings true for me and feels good to focus on.

    Feather Nesters last blog post..Friday Favorite

  13. Amen to that. I wish I could go back to the then-me and slap her and tell her to smarten up. I didn’t do the sand paper thing, but definitely did the booty call thing to make myself feel better!!

  14. 99.9% of that is true for me. How I wish I could find that strength that you have.

  15. Again, I learn something from your blog. I had no idea the skeleton renewed itself every 7 years. That is a really empowering thought. Not for the same reasons you said but because I was (brutally) abused as a child and it seems very healing to think my abuser has never TOUCHED this body. Thank you, Casey!