The first time the moosh and I cruised around in rented wheels it was in this stupid thing.

The second time was the same model, just not a convertible. the moosh was pissed. But we did have satellite radio. (Which simply means two hundred extra stations of crap.)

Today however we hit the motherlode.

A minivan.

Cheerios ground into the carped and everything.

It even smells like a minivan. A little sour milk with hints of Goldfish cracker highlighted with notes of “New Car Smell” air freshener tree.

I can only think of Bill Engvall calling the un-tinted driver’s side window of a minivan “the goober viewing hole.”

the moosh digs the minivan. She even volunteered to sit all the way in the very back. So far back in fact she kind of forgot to talk my ear off. And then there was the air vents. She didn’t trust the overhead air vents, kept giving them the stink eye the whole way home.

As if I didn’t feel goober enough driving a smelly minivan with only one child, the moosh requested SONGS! Without my iPod the only station we were able to compromise on was “Light Adult Contemporary.”

Light Adult Contemporary=John Tesh, Kenny G. and Aaron Neville

It’s really hard to maintain any sense of hot 26 year old pride when you’re behind the wheel of a rented minivan singing along (SINGING! ALONG!) to “Everybody Plays the Fool.”

To make matters worse? If a door is open and the minivan isn’t turned on? The left turn signal blinks. It’s as if it’s mocking my embarrassment by winking at anyone walking by.

“SEE THIS LADY? SEE HER! SEE HER DRIVING THE MINIVAN? YOU! LOOK OVER HERE! DID YOU SEE HER DRIVING ME? YEAH! ME! WITH THE TWITCHY LEFT BLINKER!” twitch blink! twitch blink!  twitch blink!

Comments

  1. Aw, I’m sorry you were feeling goober-ish in your haute mini-van.

    I have to say, though, that I unashamedly LOVE mine. No, really!

  2. You need one of these:

    http://darlingmummy.com/order_mv_ss.htm

    I have one in long sleeve and one in short sleeve.

    Mama Ginger Trees last blog post..The Great Interview Experiment

  3. Twitching blinker? My husband is still hardcore anti mini-van. I have to admit sometimes it would be nice to haul around more people. However I am currently driving a pick up, and making my redneck aura stronger. Yee Haw, it could be a pick up.

    White Hot Magiks last blog post..Pigs, puppies and tiaras, oh my!

  4. I am anti-minivan, but I suppose I could handle a rental. *Duck and Runs again* But my husband tries to push the minivan for it’s convenience. I’m all, ‘dude, we have ONE KID. I could drive a two seater and it still be convenient.’

  5. GOD I hate rental cars. You never get what you want and it costs about a bazillion dollars. I swear it’s almost worth it to by a used car and then sell it at the end of your stay.

    drowningindoghairs last blog post..Nashville or Bust

  6. I can totally relate.

    My husband has an accessible mini-van with a ramp for his wheelchair.

    I used to drive a sweet Mustang.

    I felt like such a dork driving his van and I still do because we are packed into it (Hubs, me, five kids)and there are no tinted windows on his van. Want to talk about the stares.

    I had to trade in my (paid off) Mustang this year for a 12 passenger van.:-( It might as well be a bus.

    Sashas last blog post..The hairs are standing up on the back of my neck

  7. How can you help it, when the music starts to play
    And your ability to reason, is swept away
    Oh, heaven on earth is all you see, you’re out of touch with reality

    A minivan will do that to you.

    heather…s last blog post..I Might Like This Parenting Thing

  8. Yuck! I don’t do rental cars… I have a huge fear of germs and thus don’t do a lot of things, like movie theaters GROSS!!! Dirty goober filled van is up there on the list. I also feel that absolutely NO ONE needs a mini van… my SUV seats 7 and when I drive that I’m Pimp’n!

    Nikkis last blog post..Grams

  9. You know what’s possibly the coolest car you could possibly land as a rental? A Chevy HHR. That’s right, folks. The submarine of all non-minivan rental cars. It’s doubly cool when you’re in your mid-20s and rocking that thing all the way from Manhattan to Tennessee. Now that is what I call HOT.

    Camels & Chocolates last blog post..26.2

  10. Too funny! Just found you on Mormon Mommy Blogs. Thanks for over-sharing!

    Lisas last blog post..You’re just a. . . MEANY!

  11. What? How did you get my van? I’m so embarrassed. I swear we vacuum up the cheerios at least once a year. And that blinker? Crap, all this time I thought no one was noticing!

    Next time I’m so sending them our other car…oh wait. It’s a Saturn…sorry.

    goodncrazys last blog post..Dog Days of You: Some Old, Some new, Some Inbetween

  12. I need, no I demand, a photo of the stink-eying Moosh in the way back seat.

    SciFi Dads last blog post..That’s Not So… What The Hell?!?

  13. I love my minivan (Ford Freestar). I don’t have a crazy twitchy blinker, but I DO have a smashed up side mirror. Is that about the same? It was either the mirror, or the possibility of it being a kid, so my husband chose the mirror. But won’t get it fixed. Grrr.

    Kristins last blog post..Something to talk about

  14. I just found your blog on NanoPablo. Too funny!

    I once had to rent a car for a few months. Some days it was an SUV and some days convertibles.

    So glad those days are over!

    Scriberswebs last blog post..Hot Questions

  15. BTW, How cool is CommentLuv! I will have to test it out for my blog.

    Scriberswebs last blog post..Hot Questions

  16. just be thankful the horn doesn’t honk at the same time. :)
    My minivan’s windshield wipers come on whenever it feels “posessed” to do so.

  17. Rolling. Just positively laughing hysterically.
    I love Bill Engvall and that bit he did on the minivans is a riot.
    :-)
    Thanks for the laugh.

  18. I, for one, love my minivan. But that twitchy blinker thing? Is that SUPPOSED to be happening? And why would you want that feature? Weird.

    Karlys last blog post..Seeing The Moon Through My Window. Or Some Other Nonsense.

  19. My husband’s dream car was a minivan, I kid you not! When we were childless he wanted me to get a minivan instead of my maxima…so as soon as we had our first kid he traded in my maxima for a minivan…let’s just say he isn’t a big fan of minivans anymore. Not cool! And now I am stuck driving the pimpn’ thing.

    Midwest Mommys last blog post..My decorating style screams "I use to be a teacher!"

  20. There is nothing about this post that isn’t hilarious. I am crying it’s so funny — and I don’t do that.

    What’s really sad? I’ve got 11 years on you and I actually DO think my minivan is hot!

    Kets last blog post..Tasty summer

  21. hahahahahaaaaaaa

    i still think you’re HOTT, Honey

    biddys last blog post..bloggy vacation, revisited

  22. Until you’ve spent $140 filling the tank of a Suburban that gets 2 1/2 miles to the gallon, don’t complain about the minivan. When I got my minivan this year I was ecstatic because it has the little electronic readout that tells me all the lovely MPG I’m getting!

    Anissa@Hope4Peytons last blog post..Peyton gets her Rocky Balboa on

  23. I made that fettucine last night. Hubbz left all the peas on his plate, but cleaned up every last bit of everything else. I used whole wheat fettucine from the refrigerated section and it was delish! Thanks for sharing.

    And easy on the minivans… some of us are still a little sensitive about their minivan personas :-)

    Jills last blog post..Can I get delivery confirmation on this puppy?

  24. my minivan smells like the free starbucks coffee grinds i got one day and managed to explode in the back of the car. was kind of a dumbass move, but at least it doesn’t smell like sour milk ;)

    alis last blog post..of pasta birthdays and pineapple express dreams

  25. I talked my dh into buying me a mini-van once. It just wasn’t the same as the fancy SUV with the chrome wheels as I was used to cruising around town in. So we went back to another SUV. However, i do now drive a fuel effecient CAR, because I am all about saving the planet, you know… HA!!

  26. I don’t know how you always manage the upgrades! I NEVER get ground in cheerios included…

    Glad you liked the post – much love!

  27. I am ashamed to admit this, but there was a time – not all that long ago – when I was lusting after a mini van.

    Miss Britts last blog post..Did I Ever Tell You About The Time Jared Peed All Over?

  28. Ooo I had to drive one a few weeks ago. I will admit that with 5 kids the leg room was amazing. I’d consider one when I have grandkids. ;)

    Britts last blog post..Skoolin

  29. It may be factual, it may be cruel. But everybody plays the fool.

    (I’m partial to the Aaron Neville version myself.)

    Fremas last blog post..Take me out to the ball game (and house hunting, too)

  30. I for one love my mini van, all my friend made fun of me for driving one at the ripe old age of 21! But let me tell you who is having the last laugh 4 years later when they are all trying to shove baby gear into their itty bitty little cars or complaining because their SUV costs too much to fill up… yup that is right lame old mini van driving me!

    Danis last blog post..4 years ago

  31. Oh you poor thing! We rented a car when we were in Oregon for our wedding/honeymoon and ended up with a Subaru Tribeca.

    So. Awesome.

    You should get that instead.

    Reeses last blog post..Steroids

  32. What are you talking about? Minivans are the new jag ? (read: I’m currently driving one so uh it’s just gotta be cool, right)

    WMs last blog post..Ok lets just clear this up right now…

  33. Mini-vans suck! I’m so sorry to hear about your goldfish encrusted experience.

  34. I found your blog while searching for bloggers in Indiana. I am moving to Indiana in 3 weeks from Arizona and am trying to connect with people in the area via the bloggosphere.

    Loved your post, I could almost visualize the sing-along. Ha!

  35. I am a firm believer that unless you have 4+ kids (and that will NEVER be me) you have no need for a SUV or – god-forbid – a minivan. I remember when I was 19 and I babysat my 6 month old nephew so my bro and SIL could go car shopping – they came back with a minivan. I looked at him and just said – “mike, it’s over. your life is over”; he hated that thing and got stuck with it, and the payments, after the divorce.

    I think this sums-up the minivan lifestyle pretty well:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEFE3B0Rje0

    (this is probably a bad time to mention my love for station wagons – I wanted one for an entire child-free decade and now finally have one – LOVE it!)

    ikates last blog post..Summer Fun

  36. Your music choices would make me want to wash my ears out with soap. Or gouge them with a pitchfork. I haven’t decided which yet.

    My nerd-mobile has window washers that randomly turn on and wipe in series of 3. Then turn off again! Its awesome!

    I tell my kids that its the ghost “Jorge” and he just wants to be a part of our conversation.

    themotherboards last blog post..More Blog Love

  37. I am so glad I never have to drive a mini-van. My last rental was an enormous SUV and I drive a tiny car. I HATED it! In this one instance, smaller is better for me:)

    Mary Beths last blog post..THURSDAY FUN

  38. This made me smile, thanks : )

    Jens last blog post..A perfect summer day

  39. hee hee … we just bought a mini van. It’s our TEMPORARY vehicle. We rented one a couple months back, when the kids and I took a trip. It was DISGUSTING. There were stains everywhere, and also had old goldfish ground into the lovely carpeted bottom.

    Mini vans are gross.

  40. Oh yea, and my husband said that he was probably the only 24-year-old he new who drove a mini van. He is quite embarrassed by it. Poor guy.

  41. I bought a minivan when I was 23, after having my second child. I felt like the uncoolest and oldest 23 year old around.

    Alysons last blog post..Nearly 5’3" and Growing