moosh in indy.

December 1, 2008

How much of me wants to be pregnant because I can’t?

This whole pregnancy thing goes in waves. But lately I’ve been beaten in the face with too many “why her and not me?” situations that the whole “WILL CASEY EVER BE PREGNANT AGAIN?” dilemma is beginning to eat a part of my brain previously saved for saving puppies, playing sudoku and baking cupcakes.

My big attitude of “MEH” towards the whole topic was smashed to pieces over the last month when both of my parents and crotchety old grandma asked why Cody and I weren’t producing more awesome with our reproductive parts. They never had to worry about “when” or “how” with babies, they just popped in and came out when they wanted them to. Same with my grandparents. Then there was the lady on the plane.

“So when are you going to make her a little brother?”

REALLY?

PEOPLE ASK CRAP LIKE THAT TO TOTAL STRANGERS?

I know Cody wants more babies, and he wants me to be a mom to more babies, he likes the way I do things. Cody wants to get me pregnant more than any man has ever wanted to impregnate a woman in the history of reproduction. It’s really hard to tell him each month that my body failed at making us more babies yet again.

I want to be pregnant. I liked being pregnant, I liked having that bump, feeling a little person kicking the daylights out of my internal organs. I even miss worrying that I would pop her head open every time I crossed my legs because the little kid decided to LODGE HERSELF in my crotch early on.

I don’t want to be pregnant. I didn’t like knowing what every food on God’s green Earth tasted like in reverse. I didn’t like having to eat only to have something to barf up an hour later. I didn’t like constantly feeling like I had drank my weight in cheap beer. I didn’t like having to plan my life around when and where I’d be when the need to barf hit me. I also didn’t like paying so much freaking money on medicines that only helped me barf a few less times a day.

I want to have another baby. I like babies. I really liked my baby and I really love the little kid that my little baby is growing up to be. I really love my sister and I really want my little kid to have a sister or brother of her own. I like this whole mom gig, while I’m not alway at the top of my game, I feel I put forth a game worth performance.

I don’t want to have another baby. Newborns, sleepless nights, barf, poop, diapers, manners, teething, time-outs…I think you get my point. If I were to stop with the moosh she’d be 18 when I turn 40, plenty of time to become a doctor or an acrobat or something.

Why all this mess and confusion? Why such a teeter totter of emotions?

Because.

Life is confusing and full of sucky sucky trials with no instruction booklet.

In my church back home in Indiana I have watched 46 pregnancies in less than three years. I have watched over a dozen women be pregnant twice, AND THAT’S JUST WOMEN I KNOW FROM CHURCH. There are quite a few women who have a child the moosh’s age AND TWO MORE younger than her. I have watched even more women go through pregnancy on the internet. (To all the lovely ladies to whom I’m referring, especially the three dozen pregnant ones, I’m happy for you, this is nothing against you, please don’t take it personally. It’s just really hard for me. It’s not your fault you can get pregnant, so quit apologizing.)

Outside my church most women my age don’t have kids. Let alone two. Only in my chosen faith am I the lame duck. It’s not a commandment that women get knocked up young and often in the LDS religion, it’s just what seems to happen. Which leaves a lot of us women of the LDS faith feeling like we missed the booth where they were handing out fertility on our wedding days.

Which brings me to adoption. I have a fierce admiration for couples who choose to adopt and am always brought to tears when I see a new family made by the sheer awesomeness that is adoption.

But I have never felt like it is for me.

Just as you may feel that a tattoo, marriage, children or Law School may never be right for you.

I wish I just had an answer.

Sometimes I think I won’t get pregnant because I couldn’t handle it, two kids, the PPD, the pregnancy. But then I read that Dooce is pregnant and the bitter hag that resides behind my kidney thinks up all sorts of horrible things. (Totally jealousy talking Heather. Sorry.)

Sometimes I think it’s just not the right time. Law school. Debt. Thousands of miles from family. Crummy insurance. But then I see plenty of other women with no committed partner, no family, drug addictions, no real home, no common sense and no insurance get pregnant. (Not to mention the ones that aren’t even old enough to get a driver’s license.)

Sometimes I think I’ll never be pregnant again and should just move on.

Get over it, you know? Part of me is actually envious when women have an absolute answer to their fertility, either they don’t have the parts, their husband’s don’t make the stuff, or they’ll die if they try. How’s that for an absolute? But that’s not acknowledging all the trials and crummy stuff they have to go through when that news is passed onto them. Surrogates? IVF? Sperm donors? Adoption?

No one has it easy.

Sometimes I even think that maybe I birthed my fallopian tubes along with the moosh and have no reproductive organs left. But then my period comes and I’m reminded once again that “DEAR CASEY, YOU STILL HAVE ALL YOUR PARTS AND GUESS WHAT? YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT.”

I used to be optimistic that because my body birthed a healthy baby once, it could totally do it again. Nature didn’t screw up on me, my parts knew how to get pregnant and get that kid out in one piece.

I still am that kind of optimistic sometimes.

Other times I’m just plain ticked that I know DARN WELL that my body knows how to get pregnant but refuses to.

And then there’s that part of my brain that thinks “You did so well with the first one, why risk getting a dud the second time around?” Don’t roll your eyes at me. Enough mothers have admitted to me that fear of getting a different deal the second time around. (Sometimes even the first time.) While ultimately I would gladly take whatever child God sees fit to bless me with, I wonder what the heck I’d do if I had a kid with straight hair. How would I pick them out of a crowd?

I know my body can get pregnant. I know my husband can get me pregnant. I know that I could provide another little kid with a home, and love, and kisses, and snuggles and bedtime stories and songs and trips to the ice cream store and the best big sister ever. I know I’d do a good job even though I also know I’d second guess my decision every other half hour for the next, oh, until I die.

I’d try and do a really good job, the best I know how to do, if I could only get my womb on one.

Comments off.

I think of all the reason why I shouldn’t get pregnant. $, small house, my medicated self. Then someone says “No time is the right time, just do it!”. And I’m all, “Hell yeah! Let’s do it!”.

Then my husband and I talk about $, small house, the stress of 3 kids and talk ourselves out of it.

Lottas last blog post..Contests and Coyotes

Oh honey. No schmatltzy cliches here. This is a sucky situation. Giant hugs to you and Cody.

Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommys last blog post..Breast Cancer 3Day Day 2 Pictures

mwah.

Backpacking Dads last blog post..A Speech (shelved)

Casey, this is probably the most honest piece I have read in … a really long time … if not ever. I wish you peace. Lots of it.

I feel with you. And good luck!

My first pregnancy was an ‘Oops!’, so now that we’re actively trying it feels like it can’t happen soon enough. The worst of it? THE WAITING. If the egg doesn’t intend to get down with a sperm and get hitched on the wall it shouldn’t bother to come out and play in the first place.

Grys last blog post..Not the chosen

it’s not fair. not even a little.

heather…s last blog post..While She Was Sleeping

i’m sorry hon.
i’m crossing my fingers that your answers come to you, and they are the right ones.

Heathers last blog post..Open Letter #8: My Final Letter To Xander..

I’ve heard that secondary infertility really sucks more than the first time around. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s true…
My best friend has a girl 2 months older than my son (20 months) and she already has another new baby (6 weeks).
Another friend has a girl just 4 months older than my son and her second is already 8 months. What’s up world?

Kristas last blog post..Blog Party Guidelines

I could have written every word of your post. I’m so sorry. The whole thing sucks. In fact, it SUCKS. With all caps. I hope your baby is on its way to you very, very soon!

Heidis last blog post..Fifty smackers

I am suddenly infertile after 3 kids (I want 4)… I feel a sliver of what you’re going through.

Will pray Moosh has someone to fight, er, cuddle with soon!

kristis last blog post..Will blog for sleep (this is the kind of witty title one produces when desperate for sleep)

With all due respect to your religious sensibilities, “****!” OK, now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, I can continue.

We (my wife and I) could have written this post a year ago if we blogged about our secondary infertility. (She wanted to keep it private.) You articulated it beautifully, though.

(And yes, people, even complete strangers, will ask parents of a lone preschooler when a sibling is coming. I cannot explain why tact, or respect for people’s privacy, has become a lost art.)

I believe it will come for you, Casey. Not that my beliefs are worth much, but I do believe it.

SciFi Dads last blog post..Reflections

You’re in my head, reading my thoughts. Really, you are.

When I was younger, like 19 & 20, and in the middle of nursing school and not married, and no way could this happen even though I was with the most perfect guy ever… it happened twice. I lost both of them.

Now that I’m married and life is rough but this is the time, and I’m ready. Really READY. And I want it more than anything? I’ve been diagnosed with a tumor of my pituitary gland. It screws up the girl hormones, and takes away my ability to have a period – which also takes away the ability to get pregnant… it’s like I’ve been in menopause since age 26.

As we were getting ready to be baptized last year, right about this time, there was a faint glimmer of hope. Nausea, fatigue, weight gain, boob tenderness, the whole nine yards. Hubby and I were on cloud 9. But after 3 home pregnancy tests that were negative, and a couple more at the doc just to make sure, we found out about the tumor.

I’ve been through a few rounds of meds trying to whip this thing into submission (not cancerous, just making things wonky) and nothing seems to have worked yet.

This will be my 34th birthday. Every time I look in the mirror I see my biological clock screaming back at me. My younger brother is having his first, my niece 8 years younger than me is on her 2nd, my cousin 1 year younger than me is on #2 as well. And as much as I want to be totally completely happy for them, to be the best aunt/cousin/whatever that I can be, each time I hear the news, I want to curl up into a ball and cry for days.

My mom is over the moon about her first grandchild (aforementioned niece is not from my half sister, so this would be biological grandbaby #1). And it should be ME… y’know? *sighs*

I think we should all go to Australia and play in whatever waterfall Nicole Kidman swam in….

You’re in a situation that no one should have to be in. Wanting a baby but being scared of carrying it. Remembering all the joys and all the pains of pregnancy with the Moosh. It’s not fair at all and if any one of us could be helpful, you know we would.

I’m sorry that you have to be in this position and you’ve already shown you have more grace than anyone your age should (which makes me sound like I know your age…). I truly believe that that grace, along with your faith, will carry you through.

Overflowing Brains last blog post..Refocus

And also, out if sheer curiosity, do you need fallopian tubes to have a period.? I thought that was all about the uterus.

And also, I think I just confirmed that I have neither grace nor wisdom beyond my years.

Overflowing Brains last blog post..Refocus

I’m right there with you, Case. Except I’m 41. And we haven’t even managed to produce one baby yet. But still we try, month after month…

Katherine R. Willsons last blog post..11/14/08: Not your typical Daddy/Daughter dance…

I think having another child is a tough decision for a lot of people for a lot of reasons. You certainly have been through the wringer – wasn’t it worth it though – I know you think so…

Many of us can cheer you on and try to help convince you that the sacrafices you’d make during pregnancy is well worth the outcome. I didn’t have those sorts of challenges that you did during your pregnancy, though I can see how one would be scared **** to do it again.

But I can understand the not being able to conceive part. We had inftertility issues and it took us 11 years to have 2 babies (they’re 6 yrs apart). I totally get that yearning part, the disappointment when another month goes by. Ya know what too? My first born has Autism, and 6 years later I was still scared to death that it would happen again or worse yet be even more severe for the next child. So on some level, the anxiety of thinking about all things that can go wrong, I’m there with you because I’ve been through it too. But we (I) decided I was strong enough to take the risk, because the reward would give me a lifetime of smiles to make up for the explosion of worry in my head.

I pray good things come your way soon Casey!

Andrea in INs last blog post..Day 30 – What Gets You Moving?

I feel for you. I too struggle with infertility. I questioned my body and what it wasn’t doing for me every month. I questioned my parenting, thinking that maybe God didn’t think I was a good enough mom for more kids. All that ran through my head for years.
Amazingly, it all worked out for us. I pray it will for you too.

kjs last blog post..Cut it off!

I never knew so many people had trouble getting pregnant til I started reading blogs because people don’t talk like this in real life. Seriously posts like these remind me daily that my two little ones are truly a blessing.

midwest mommys last blog post..Not Me! Monday

Booo… I am starting to get where you’re coming from. 4 neg tests in a row, soon to be 5 I’m sure. Granted that’s just a fraction of what you’re dealing with but DAMMIT it’s frustrating! The worst part is that the people that know we are trying keep saying dumb things like “You don’t want another kid this soon anyway. Trust Me” Like they know what I want! Jerks!

My body sucks too and no doctor so far can explain how I had a prefect pregnancy before and now don’t even have periods. I’ve gotten to the point now that when people ask about having more, I just say, “no, we’re happy with just one” it’s way easier, and strangers don’t need all the details of failed attempts and how much it hurts every month that passes and I’m not pregnant and I don’t need the pitty look that always follows if I do devalge that I’m a healthy 23yo who can’t get pregnant.

All I can say is good luck with whichever way you are feeling when you read this comment. I wish you the best.

ashleys last blog post..It Could Have Been Worse

I understand. There are many of us out there in your situation. There are the days that I’m ok with not having any kids and just being a great Aunt, and other days when I am so angry with everyone I know who is pregnant. My sister has 3, my best friend has 2, my brother in law has 1, everyone in my office is pregnant everyother year. The only thing that can be said is what ever decision you make you’ll still have your family.

it’s totally NOT FAIR for women who WANT TO HAVE BABIES to not be able to have them.

i’m one of those that could get pregnant through email…i’m super fertile. and my best friend? not so much. had several (we’re talking more than 5) rounds of ivf to get her first daughter. took another few to get #2…and then MIRACLE! when her second was 5 months, she got pregnant on her own!

the body is a total mystery. and sometimes it just SUCKS. hugs to you, Casey!

alis last blog post..broken limbs and apple-themed decor

i don’t know what to say besides that totally sucks. my thoughts are with ya casey…

erins last blog post..it’s true …

No matter how malfunctioning your girly bits may be, you are still hawt.

Emily the Utah transplant from the Midwests last blog post..There’s Always Plan B

Well, if you ever need to come up with tons more reasons not to have another child, I’ll be your Huckleberry.

Avitables last blog post..I need your help, Internets.

I think about having another kid all of the time but ultimately, I have become greedy with my time and don’t think it will happen. It doesn’t stop me from fantasizing though and it’s hard emotionally too.

Giyens last blog post..Food Porn

Be patient. Keep repeating the second to last paragraph you wrote over and over and over again. It will happen…in God’s own due time. Love ya.

I firmly believe two things that apply here: 1) Everything happens for a reason. 2) Thoughts become things (or, in your case, Moosh siblings). So perhaps you’re not getting pregnant because you’re just supposed to have Moosh. And perhaps you’re not getting pregnant because in your heart, you haven’t decided if you really want to have another baby. Maybe once you decide that you really do want another, pregnancy will happen for you.

Just my two cents. I don’t have children. And the closer I careen toward 40, the more I presume that I won’t be having any. But we never know for sure, do we?

Beths last blog post..‘Breakable You’ …

The worst questions are when you’re not pregnant, don’t have kids, and aren’t planning on ever even trying, but still you constantly get peppered with “So when are you two going to start having kids?” like just because I’m female and have a womb then obviously that means I want a kid and my life and family won’t be complete without one/two/a whole football team of ankle biters.

Not saying I dislike kids–every time you post a Moosh pic, I want to gobble up all the cuteness–but people need to mind their own damn business and realize that different people want different things out of life.

I hope things work out for you and Cody the way you want them to. That must be hard wanting something so badly that is just out of reach.

Camels & Chocolates last blog post..Turkey Times Two

Dear Casey:

Oh how i feel your pain and agony. I too being LDS and being able to get pregnant twice and then all of the sudden couldn’t I just couldn’t have been more flustered, pissed and angry at every bulging belly I saw. I cried, I contacted every holistic medicine doctor I could find, I got massages, Acupressure, herbs, machines to tell me when I was ovulating, yada yada yada and still no baby. I would try to convince myself that it wasn’t meant to be, that I would be happy with what I had, but it just didn’t work and the desire to have another child was JUST too strong. I decided to put it off for awhile, clear my head and focus on my spirituality (I know sounds quirky) But I so badly wanted an answer to my prayers and knew that I wasn’t clear enough to hear the answer. I finally one day received an answer that surgery was the answer to my solution. And I tossed it aside for about a year. When we decided to go in for infertility treatments, of course the doctors scared the crap out of me with every worst case scenario that could be wrong with me. And I just knew there wasn’t. When I went in for an ultrasound to see how many eggs I had produced for our IUD the doctor found a massive cyst on my ovary! What??? Are you kidding me? I went in for surgery a couple of months later and 30 days later……I got two pink lines and I just delivered her on Thanksgiving. Hang in there Casey, I was brought to your website because of the infertility you were experiencing and it helped my battered soul to read your blog. Pray, seek diligently. I guarantee you will find the answer you are looking for. By the way it took me 5 years. Just so you know, I understand what your going through

Tiffinie

Sorry, ha that’s funny Not an IUD, kind of defeats the purpose you think? It was IUI.

Casey, I don’t want to sound like THAT person but the same thought keeps coming to me about those in your situation and that is this…maybe it’s not about you. Maybe we are meant to be here at a certain time and it’s not that next awesomely wonderful child’s time yet.
Just a thought. I don’t KNOW you per se but I can read that you are an amazing person, you have been through hell and come out the other side. Sure you struggle but we all deal with SOMETHING obviously your child is AMAZING and like you said, there is nothing that seems to be stopping you,it just doesn’t seem to be happening.

WHEN it’s meant to happen it will, don’t beat yourself up about it and put all this energy into the Moosh. She is well deserving of it. Let her know she is enough and then pray your guts out to HF, on your knees in private or with the Moosh Daddy.

Have Faith, I know you can.

Besides, you are a wife of a law student far from home and the people you love and want as a support system. There are years yet to come, you are young and most of all IT’S OK.
Your OK.

I’ve been struggling with getting pregnant again for years. I know how you feel. And if I had a dollar for every time my mother asked me when Dawson was going to be a big brother, I’d be able to retire at 29.

It’s so frustrating, because Dawson just turned 4 and I never expected my children (hopefully I’ll have another) to be this far apart.

Hang in there. I’m sending good baby vibes your way, Lord knows we need them!

Danas last blog post..Say What?

I don’t think there ARE answers, at least not when we feel like we need them the most. I can’t even pretend to know what you’re going through, but I wish you the best, whatever hapens. You are an amazing person and a wonderful mother to the Moosh.

Sometimes we don’t know where we’re going until we get there.

*hugs*

Melissas last blog post..discoveries

I feel ya.

Been off birth control for over two years now and still nothing.

I’m now older than my parents were when they had me and that scares me because growing up I always felt like my parents were SO much older than my friends’ parents.

But we still hope.

Reeses last blog post..Black Friday

I haven’t had this problem, but my really good friend has. She has one kid and has been trying to get pregnant forever. I can’t imagine how frustrating it would be to have so little control over this aspect of your life. I’m sorry and I hope you get whatever it is you want soon!

Alyson (New England Living)s last blog post..What A (Mayflower) Bastard!

I know you probably cringe when people say “It will happen.” but really, it will. I could have written the same thing in your post 5 years ago. But it finally happened and we had number 2. My husband has a super low sperm count. So much to our utter shock, when #2 was just about to be a year old, we got knocked up with number 3, while using condoms!!!!!

Christys last blog post..Great way to recycle those Christmas cards this year!

This is hilarious – because its like you read my mind and wrote a post about it. We two are in very similar boats on child #2. Glad to know I’m not the only one that worries my second child (if I could have one) would make me wish I’d quit while I was ahead.

Hollys last blog post..Road Warriors

Wow-this was like reading my own thoughts 20 years ago (I swear my body has aged but I am still delightfully immature).
Because it feels like my own emotions and because I a now older and wiser (so I can pass out comments to younger strangers)I have one thing to say.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry you have to go through this because it really is hard. Hang in there.

Janae’

Janaes last blog post..These Turkeys are all mine

Normally I would find it rude to ask such a personal question, but since you are so candid I thought you might be open to discussing it. Here it is: have you had a checkup to ensure that something hasn’t developed since you birthed the moosh? I mean, maybe it is something simple and you would not have to torture yourself so much. And maybe if it is complicated you will at least have an answer. I think you are a great mom and have a beautiful kid so I am sure you would make a fabulous mom to a second kid! I will pray for you that your desire is fulfilled. Good luck! And it sure is fun trying, right?

46 pregnancies in your church? Egads. That is a lot to withstand. You have every right to be angry and jealous and all the rest of it.
Part of me really wonders if your body isn’t protecting itself by not allowing you to get pregnant; perhaps you are destined to get the full-on sick every time you’re preggers and that’s really tough on your system.
But I have faith that you’ll have another child…somehow. We so often get what we want, just not when or how we want it.
Big sloppy Indiana kisses to you and Cody.

Must be Motherhoods last blog post..Let’s Take Notice: The International Violence Against Women Act

While I am no where near wanting babies yet, I do know what it’s like to want something so badly and come up empty-handed. But more than that, I feel by reading your blogs that your attitude about life will get you through anything. Yes, it sucks now, and you need to feel what you need to feel. But you also have to know that tons of women reading this are seeing themselves reflected in this post, and that’s an AMAZING gift.

There’s not much I can say to make it better, but — You have a built-in virtual network that will be waiting right here when the time is right and you receive your blessing.

Jenns last blog post..St. Sylvia

Wow. I have nothing profound to offer since I got pregnant with my second child while dutifully using my birth control pill daily and at the same time. I know, you’re thinking Bitch, why’d you comment?!?!?! But, I know several women who have been in your situation and right at give up and be barren stage, wham, they are preggo. Plus, after reading your blog for awhile, I have learned that no one deserves to be blessed/cursed with more kids than you do. So, it will happen.

Domestic Goddess (In Training)s last blog post..Plotting Against Me…

I wish I had your answers … I don’t know why God decided to let us have an “Oops” baby this time, I still don’t know how that egg released without being ordered to do so. I don’t know how I feel about having 2 kids, I don’t know if I’m ready for 2 … I don’t know much of anything ~ except that I’m ready to be DONE with vomitting & dry heaving already. Seriously, there is no point to this anymore!

I could have written your post verbatim earlier this year … I could write the mothering sections verbatim today.

I can tell you that you’re not alone. And I can tell you that Medicaid will kick in to help poor college students’ wives, and it will provide back up for crappy student insurance I do know that much!!

A virtual hug to you. Keep “practicing”!

Trenches of Mommyhoods last blog post..The Trenches 12 Days of Christmas Giveaways! DAY 1

Oh Casey, without saying something insensitive, insignificant, or semi-wise, I’ll just say keep your head up and your hands clasped in prayer. A solution will come. Just keep your faith.

I just want you to know that I understand in my own little way… it’s tough! {{{{{hugs}}}}}

Oh Casey, what a predicament we find ourselves in. To want something so badly, but have no way to get it. I am reminded today of the words my friend gave me months ago: “God has not forgotten you. He knows the desires of your heart.” Praying with you, hurting with you, longing with you…

Katies last blog post..Playing the Part

Delurking to hop on my soapbox for a minute…

As if it isn’t bad enough for family to ask…but STRANGERS?

For the love!

That’s the kind of thing that makes me want to stick a fork in my eye (or theirs).

I think snarky answers are best, especially if the question comes from a stranger and the answer is none of their business in the first place.

Here are a few you might consider trying…

“We’d love another child, but my DH is a testicular cancer survivor and he’s infertile.”

“By “trying” do you mean actually having sex? Because we’ve sworn off that stuff. We’re hoping for an immaculate conception.”

;o) (Take that, nosey stranger!)

I don’t know the answers to your “bigger” questions, but I do know you are one amazing woman, wife and mother.

Hang in there!

Hello – If one of the parents you refer to above is me – I’ve not asked why you’re not producing more awesome. I know you are not – for whatever lousy hand you’ve been dealt – and that the situation is not for lack of trying and wanting. We did discuss last month about how the timing might be that your internal organs are waiting until Cody is done with school and you are more established in a “regular” non-school life. I very much want you to be a mom again and would never, ever ask why you’re not making more. I know you’ve been trying for years! It’s just unfortunate that I was given the rabbit syndrome when I only wanted two and you, who would like more babies, are in more of a panda mode – though I’ve never actually seen you eat bamboo… I love you honey and when the time is right and if it’s meant to be, you’ll be a mom again.

This same post has been swirling around in my head for days. I want more babies, but I don’t. I want to hold and smell them, but I have no desire to change more diapers or get out of the sleeping through the night habit I’ve been spoiled with since my only child is almost four.
One minute I want no babies, I’m finished. the next I hope for twin boys with red hair to match my daughters. Maybe they will have spray of freckles across their nose like she does at age 3. Later, I hope that I make it to bedtime without yanking my hair out.

Amanda of Shamelessly Sassys last blog post..My Daughter the Thief

Good luck, Casey. I know the feeling, wanting to get pregnant but not sure you really want it. That kind of back and forth.

Rheas last blog post..Bravery

Love ya and miss ya Casey!! Thinking about you all the time. See you soon!

I read your post this morning and had to come back to it again this afternoon. Your thoughts strike right on for me. As a fellow hg girl, I know the fears that are associated with pregnancy (the ones that make me break out into a sweat everytime I get the stomach flu or even smell a wheat thin). But I also feel the incredibly raw, yet numbing pain of not being able to produce the second child. You’d think that if women like us (who have dealt with 9 months of incessant vomiting) actually WANTED to have another, we should get it, right? In a second!

You’d think that a year after a miscarriage and not so much as a hint of being pregnant since, I’d be able to handle questions and the pain of looking at babies. But as I faced the baby that my mil dangled in front of my face last week while she insensitively laughed saying how much she’d enjoy another grandchild, I couldn’t help but run upstairs to “use the restroom” and cry. Thanks for putting words to what I’d been feeling. It is helpful to know those around who have similar trials. The woman in my ward who had the same due date as my previous pregnancy has already lost all of her weight, looks great, and is talking about #2. Blah…

Here’s hoping we can ring in 2009 with an iv, an rx for Zofran, and lots of vomiting! Thinking of you!

I’m sorry – I wish I had the answers to give you – I would totally let you cheat off my life test if there were one. Alas, I got nuthin. But hugs – and I could throw out every cliche there is, but what the heck good would that do ya? None. So, I’ll stick with the hoping you get what you want deep down.

By the way, the whole getting pregnant thing, is really quite difficult – I mean, the stars practically have to align and everything has to happen at exactly the right moment. It’s really not easy, so don’t be so hard on yourself.

pgoodnesss last blog post..Buh-bye NaBloPoMo!

I really “get” this post. I had troubles conceiving my first two and was recently diagnosed with a (non-life threatening but really painful) disorder, the cure for which is to take the pill. But I want another. But how many months do I suffer through the pain and horrible periods, coupled with the realization that I, yet again, failed? *le sigh*

Colleen – Mommy Always Winss last blog post..Making Christmas meaningful

All I can do is wish you peace with this and hope that you find an answer. I’ve known for a long, long time that pregnancy was never going to happen for me, so I’m well-acquainted with the horrendous, nosy questions, the feeling inadequate, and the jealousy you describe here. I think I told you before that we’re adopting. I never thought it was for me, either — I had always planned on surrogacy — but I had a lightbulb moment or something this year. But that’s me. I hope your answer finds its way to you soon.

have y’all considered a surrogate?

tell you what, i’ll move to indy, be your surrogate, then be your nanny till that whole middle of the night screaming thing is over

big hug!

Biddys last blog post..y’all just get used to it

suckity suck suck suck. Everything that I want to say to you has already been said by another commenter (because your readers are FANtastic).

We all love you!

designher mommas last blog post..Drinking up the holidays

I can’t really say anything, what with all my darn kids and all. They weren’t easy to come by, but you don’t need my stories. You need hugs and love. Thank goodness you’ve got a rockin’ husband and a great daughter for that. Screw the rest of them, family or not.
Sending you hugs and love even though I’m not family.

Kristins last blog post..Christmas Music and Holiday Hearts

Gulp. This tore my heart to bits.

Momo Falis last blog post..Wrong Answer

I have no sage advice or anything like that. Just Internet hugs.

Jens last blog post..the cure for a NaBloPoMo hangover

I am totally a “lurker” who loves your blog, and had to comment on this one. All I have to say is that it is REALLY hard to keep the whole MEH attitude. I can totally relate to how hard it is to see all the pregnancies around you and trying to convince yourself that you should just be happy with the things you have already been blessed with.

I wish that I had some of the same answers. I think I might be destined for an only child. I always try to think of reasons why I don’t want another baby, it makes me feel better for a minute. Then I listen to my daughter talk about “when I’m a big sister…!” I break down. I want to give her that younger sibling. gah, life sucks when it doesn’t happen like what feels like most every other LDS women.

Evonnes last blog post..turkey day

I didn’t have infertility but after Matthew died I did have five years of “WHEN ARE YOU” questions.

It isn’t that I physically couldn’t. I emotionally COULD NOT.

Even though that choice was mine I had such issues with every pregnant person and every mother to a baby that ya know…lived.

I hated part of them while simultaneously wishing them true happiness.

Right now? I love being pregnant. I also dislike it. I’m elated, I’m terrified.

I’ve had three babies and worry that I am going to have “A dud”. I totally cop to that.

I really get a lot of what you said here, though our struggles weren’t exactly the same.

I am not full of platitudes or reassurances-I have no idea if you will have another baby or not.

BUT YOU DESERVE TO.

Absolutely.

And I so, so hope that you do.I would be overjoyed for you. And if you don’t? I will hurt for you, try to be there and understand as much as someone who hasn’t been in your shoes can and bring over a casserole or take you out for sushi.

(TOTALLY emailing you tomorrow about dates for that, btw)

Loralees last blog post..Awesome tshirt idea.

In an alternate universe, I would have an incredibly sensitive, pithy, perfect thing to say to you. You would then feel at peace and be able to move on. Sadly, in this universe all I can say is I love you. I don’t know the answers, heck I don’t know if there ARE answers. But I do know that you are fabulous and I miss you. Come home sooner!

I hear you. Particularly on the “looking around at church” part. I haven’t gotten any comments (yet) but ever since moving to my husband’s very small, very Mormon hometown, I look around and it seems like everyone (and especially all those whippersnappers who are my younger siblings’ ages) has more kids than me. Way more. I feel very behind. Because it’s a RACE, ya know?

falwyns last blog post..one stinkin’ day

well. . .my first was cake to get pg with. We said, “let’s make a baby”- and two weeks later the rabbit died (metaphorically speaking).

After 8 months of utter HG/preterm labor HELL- I had a baby and paranoia toward my overly fertile body. I also had a nasty case of ppd that kicked in when I stopped nursing at a year.

Fast forward- I want a daughter. I want one badly enough to cry when I walk past girly baby clothes. We try. And try. And try.

7 months goes by and I’m saying to myself, “what the heck? I’m charting. I’m waking my hubby up for midnight nookie when he works late. WHY am I not pg? And then I am. And God’s timing? Perfect. The pregnancy? Hell. As usual. More PPD, but worse.

Years go by. We don’t try either way. I do not get pg. I do not know why.

I finally get pg. I miscarry immediately, and continue for another year to be NOT PREGNANT. I go in and the diagnosis: broken girlie bits. Pregnancy no can do. Probably not even ovulating and if i do, by some miraculous chance get an egg to a sperm- I’m most likely just going to miscarry. But, heyyyyy we can *try* IFV. We can put your body through hell before the pregnant hell. . .and even though I really felt like we were supposed to have another boy- I say FINE. No babies. I try to deal. . .

and then I’m pregnant and no one can tell me how or why-

Casey- you just gotta live it. LOVE what you’ve got and where you are now and stay open toward that goodness. I know it sucks to watch everyone popping them out around you. I had a friend who had 3 in between my daughter and when I got pg again. It’s hard- but it’s beautiful too.

Just live it. Don’t make plans. Don’t expect anything but good- and don’t define it.

Ok – rereading your post. And realized my comment was all “Me. Me. And some more about me.” Blech.

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this frustration. I think you need to start messing with people bold enough to ask you when you are going to be pregnant again. Tell them you and your husband have taken a vow of celibacy till the troops come home or something.

Hang in there – take care!

Lottas last blog post..Scrambled Brain

I am glad you wrote this post.

It made me feel… I don’t know. I’ve actually been dealing really well (overall) with my infertility- probably because I haven’t tried any treatments yet (no health insurance), and so I feel good about the potential. But sometimes I get very worked up about the “what if?”s. Meanwhile, I just remember the fact that I’m not barfing, and nobody is waking me up in the middle of the night. There’s something really useful about looking on the bright side- even though there is a fair amount of self-delusion involved.

Sherrys last blog post..White Christmas?

This is a touchy subject in our house/extended family too. My hubby really wants another child, and I’m just not ready. The Grandma’s really want a Grand-daughter, and I know (if it happens) it will be another boy. Even my 4 year old is now asking for a sister, I wonder if the Grandma’s are bribing him somehow Sneaky Grandmas!

I do wish you the very best, in whatever happens and you are such an awesome Momma!

Nicoles last blog post..The Christmas Parade

Thank you for posting this. I know I will be reading this several times again, because cliche as it may sound, I know how you feel. You said it perfectly, as you always do.

The worst part for me is seeing everyone else get pregnant, especially those without a committed partner and who didn’t want a baby in the first place. Why is it that those of us who want a baby so badly can’t have one but are surrounded by others who can? It’s tough.

I can’t believe that a stranger would ask that! I mean in this day and age (wow, that made me sound 108!) that anyone wouldn’t consider that you’d like a child and just haven’t had any luck is just dumb. I’ve heard people in the Jewish faith say having a period is like mourning a death. I’ve never really understood that until I read your post. Hang in there, and don’t blame it on your body! Lots of things can affect a guys fertility too.

my gosh, I felt like I was reading my own words there. Made me cry, made me laugh, made me shake my head OH YES..sometimes I feel terrible for even thinking these things because I do have TWO children, and some have none. But also, I think..well, why should I have to suffer ? I swore to my husband if I dont get pregnant by January we are going to see what in the world is wrong with us..maybe there is nothing..

it sucks that this happens too people, I wish your body would listen too!

staciesmadnesss last blog post..so yeah, I didn’t post yesterday

*correction* to people. *rolls eyes at my spelling error*

staciesmadnesss last blog post..so yeah, I didn’t post yesterday

When we were trying to have Thing 2 it was a long and bumpy path. It took us over 16 months to finally get PG. We knew our parts worked but for some reason they had taken a holiday. The Dr couldn’t find anything wrong with me so she sent me for a Intravenous pyelogram. Nothing seemed to be blocking my tubes and my uterus was clear. Well the IVP had to knock something loose because 3 months later we were pregnant. So have faith and keep plugging away at it. I am sure the Moosh will have a baby brother or sister in no time.

Jesss last blog post..Fly Me To The Moon

Oh Casey – I know (in a different way) how hard this is. Sometimes I ache to be a “real” mommy. just ache. But then other times, the fear of going through it all again with all the unknowns completely paralyzes me. I am putting it in God’s hands for the most part. I figure he’s thinking a little more rationally about it all.

The Butrfly Gardens last blog post..Life

I really want another one. Like now, before I get closer to 40. Hubby is afraid something bad will happen to me, as the first one wasn’t exactly easy on my health. But I still want to try. So far, no go. And I continue to read about everyone else’s new babies and recent pregnancies. *sigh* I feel a tiny bit of what you’re going through. Sending hugs and sympathy.

beckys last blog post..Letters

Aw Casey- I hope it happens for you again!

Lindys last blog post..Ooky Spooky Squidge

Part of me is totally scared to start officially trying because what if I can’t get pregnant after all? I’m sorry you’re feeling all up and down and all around about all of this. You’re a great mommy.

Assertagirls last blog post..Credit crunch.

I wish I had a wonderful piece of wisdom to share with you. I’m sorry, I don’t. Your situation sucks. Sometimes I wonder why a wonderful couple who want a child and be able to provide he/she with so much love can’t have one and then see the teen-aged crack addicted mom on her third pregnancy. Life sometimes sucks big time.

i feel like i’m in the minority here because i am lowly, unmarried college student, but i am a product of a similar situation– i’m an only child, and my parents desperately wanted more. my mom went through the same thing- lots of pregnancies in a young married ward, family members asking every day when a baby was coming. it took them a long time to get me, and then after that, nothin’. but a few years ago my mom finally realized that maybe i was supposed to be the only one. she thinks that after all of our trials, she wouldn’t have been able to handle more than one (even after all of my birthday wishes for a baby sister…). i can tell you’re an awesome mom, and i just love you to pieces even though we’ve never met. i hope you get your answer soon <3

Taras last blog post..omg…

Profound words escape me, maybe because you used them all in this beautiful aching post.

I’ll just be hoping and praying that your heart’s desire is fulfilled..whatever it might end up being.

Anissa@Hope4Peytons last blog post..What else would it smell like?

I’m sorry. I know you’re not looking for pitty – but it does suck. I am currently expecting, but suck at it. I’ve been ordered off my feet for the last two days at 17 weeks, and had to go in yesterday to make sure I wasn’t miscarriaging. All was well, but it’s tough when your not this perfectly happy loving every second of being pregnant person. I’ve miscarried twice and went into pre-term labor once. Not. Eas. Anyway, I pray that a baby will come your way soon. Really, I do.

Lisas last blog post..What a tired mother of almost three is thankful for this Thanksgiving…..

Tears and oh so frustrating. I hate these feelings. I know them well.

Kims last blog post..T’was the night before Thanksgiving…

My hubby (SciFi Dad) sent me here, specifically to this post.

I wanted to tell you that you will succeed when you least expect it.

People can be rude and insensitive about this topic, that is for sure. Try not to feel the pressure. It WILL happen!

I’m thinking of you!!!

After over a year and a half of trying for our second, it finally happen-a day that I was beginning to think would never come!

Multi-Tasking Mommys last blog post..Yesterday…

After three years of trying to get Princess and another 3 years of trying to make her a big sister I know exactly what you are talking about.

It is amazing what relatives and strangers will ask you regarding family size and fertility. Many people should count their lucky stars that I am such a pacifist.

And now that I’m 6 weeks pregnant? There is this part of me that refuses to believe, to enjoy being pregnant and dream about holding my baby in my arms because something could happen. Every day I fervently pray that the little parasite stays alive and my body continues to provide a loving hospitable environment.

Good luck!

T with Honeys last blog post..Now that the big news is out of the way what do you think of my hair?

I have no answers. Only deep affection. I send that and great hopefulness that the wonderful mother you already are will get the chance to bless another child with that gift of mothering.

MommyTimes last blog post..Photo Wednesday: New Pajamas Edition

Oh sweetie, I want to reach in and give you a hug! My husband and I wanted to have a bunch of children too, and after our first two girls, we had so many miscarriages (10). It is so devastating to not be able to bring a wanted baby into this world, when you have so much love to give.
Heavenly Father knows that you are a loving mother, and he knows of your desires. Be patient. Center yourself. If it is to be, then it will be. Love that sweetie you have. I missed those little years with my baby girls, because I was so concerned with trying to have more babies, and I wish I could go back and have those days to play in the park, jump in the leaves- be a kid right along side my daughters. They grow so fast and now my two girls are teenagers, and now they want to jump in the leaves with their friends- not mom.
Don’t be discouraged. Keep your faith. I know how hard it is to see all these other ladies with their sweet little bundles. I realize now why Heavenly Father blessed me with the two I have, because my first daughter has been diagnosed with Aspergers, and it has been a very difficult road for her. We found out about 6 months after my last miscarriage. I think Heavenly Father knew MY limits. I am not saying this is your case, but maybe he wants you to share more time with your other child and husband first. Love the experience, have peace. You are a Queen. You will have many children if not in this life, in the life to come. May blessings be poured out upon you and your sweet family.

Casey – just discovered your site and this post. I would like to add another HUGE thank you to your long list.

My husband and I have been struggling with infertility for the past three years (with one ectopic pregnancy that landed me on the operating table one sunny afternoon last January).

Blogging about it has been very therapeutic for me – but reading your post was like getting a much needed hug.

I’m sending you positive thoughts and internet hugs.

Dinas last blog post..Letting Your Family Help You

I totally hear that you’re going through. After suffering with sickness through my first pregnancy, I swore I’d never do it again. When I changed my mind, I felt like I would NEVER get pregnant. Now that I finally did, I’ve got hyperemesis gravidarum and there are days I wish that I never got pregnant. It’s an emotional roller coaster and one that’s not fun to ride. It’s scary and I’m totally sending you positive thoughts.

Now that I’m reading over that, it sounds bad, like I’m telling you to NOT get pregnant. I just want you to know that I felt the same emotional turmoil you are going through.

Megs last blog post..In the Words of Donkey, “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

I totally feel for you. My daughter-in-law had a serious uterin infection after her first baby (delivered by C-section). Since then she has been able to conceive but not carry to term. After 15 years and over 20 losses, they have quit trying. The most hurtful thing is when total strangers ask them why they only have one child — and assume it is out of selfishness.

My youngest daughter has had numerous miscarriages due to polycystic ovarion disorder. We too are LDS, and it is so hard when everyone else is having babies and she only has losses.

Good luck and God bless. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

Connies last blog post..HP is giving away computers

I came across your blog on Stumble and have spent all morning reading. I also have a 4 year old daughter who is in love with pink, sparkles and anything remotely dress-up like, and I could have written this post. I just went through my second miscarriage (to go along with 2 chemical pregnancies) since last Thanksgiving, and I keep going back and forth between being angry and being thankful. Angry about the baby that isn’t here, and about the fact that my little one still isn’t a big sister, and thankful because I know we aren’t the wealthiest people in the world and I puked for 7 months straight with my first.

It sucks, and it hurts and I’m so sorry. But I wanted you to know there’s someone else out there that knows and understands. I’ll just keep praying that it happens for both of us soon.

Myranndas last blog post..Christmas Wallpaper

HP Magic Giveaway entry :

I live in a community where the kids are living freely, simply and without a care in the world. It seems we are far from the outside world for I think that the state of the art technology they know is a colored tv. Its a tragedy that after graduating from grade school, most kids stop from attending secondary school and work to earn money. I wish I could make a difference in their lives. With this Xmas season I think in my own way, I can make a difference for them , a change for a brighter future. I would love to donate most of those HP pc to the grade school in our community, by doing this I believe, a tomorrow full of promise are waiting for them. I may not be the only person that could touch their life, but HP and likewise this blog administrator. I guess, if given the chance, this may be the best thing I have ever done to people who I personally don’t know yet I want to be a part of…

Chiming in kinda late here…

Just wanted to tell you that I have zero advice to offer in the area of getting prego…but I can say this: my life hasn’t turned out the way I expected or planned. I think we all make plans, whether intentional or unintentional. We want to be married by X age, want to have kids by X age, want to have a successful career by X age…it sounds so cliche, but I think now that I have JUST recently been able to let go of my plans, not only am I the HAPPIEST I have been in my life, but I truly have faith that God knows my life plan….not me. (He has a man out there for me…hopefully over 6′0″ tall!)

I HATE saying it, but do hang in there and know that one day when you have Moosh’s little baby brother or sister in your arms, you will know why you weren’t “supposed” to have a Mini-Moosh right now.

Indy misses you!

Hollys last blog post..Mi casa es su casa

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