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desperately seeking approval.
January 25, 2009

“What do I have that she would be jealous of?”

As soon as I said the words out loud I realized I had a problem, and it had been stewing for waaay to long to be considered healthy.

She’s beautiful, lives in a beautiful house, has a beautiful family, had a beautiful wedding, went though her pregnancy beautifully, had a beautiful baby, continues to be beautiful, lives in a beautiful part of town and has a beautiful marriage with no studen loans or vile mildew stench coming from under her rented apartment’s kitchen sink.

I should add that I uttered the words out loud while touring another friend’s brand new out of control beautiful home mere blocks away from a brand new temple. (If you’re LDS you’ll know what a big deal this is, if you’re not, it’s probably like being Catholic and living next door to the Vatican. Or if you really like bread it would be like living next to a bakery. Or if you really liked working out it would be like living next door to a gym. You get my point. It’s a big deal.)

Suddenly my smelly little hundred year old apartment back home that always seemed to smell of a sour rag was the bane of my existence. The debt, all the time gone with Cody in school, my inability to get pregnant, my lack of proof that I was, in fact, 26 years old without a hint of grown up hit me like a ton of bricks.

There I was with two friends, the same age as me with so much more, so much better.

I threw myself a pity party bigger than Mardi Gras with free booze.

A few weeks ago I came back to my life in Indiana. Back to that odd smell from under the sink. Nothing had really changed except that I made myself a vow to change myself and that nasty little attitude I had chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool in a Barca lounger at the back of my mind.

So what if I have a small smelly house? I HAVE A HOUSE.

So what if we’re in massive amounts of student loan debt? NO WHERE TO GO BUT UP!

So what if I never see my husband? I MISS YOU MAKE OUTS ARE AWESOME.

So what if I can’t get pregnant? I GET TO HAVE A LOT (and boy howdy I mean A LOT.) OF PRACTICE IN THE MEAN TIME. (See previous sentence.)

I also found that I was relying too much on the approval of others to be happy with myself. (Shocking, I know.) But highest on that list was Cody. I so desperately wanted him to glorify my awesomeness in everything I did. I expected him to come home with trophies for cleaning the house. I wanted him to swoon over how well I had curled my hair or wobble at the very scent of my good smellingness.

But he never did. (Well, at least not out loud with fanfare and praises like I envisioned in my head.)

Then I realized I’m married to a dude.

Dudes don’t do fanfares of awesome over their ladies. (Well, mine doesn’t.)

So I started producing my own fanfares, sometimes to the tune of “Candyman” in front of a full length mirror before I left the house.

And I felt better.

Today in church we were talking about “trying to keep up” with each other. Like high school. Remember high school? *shiver* I can tell you that if I went back to high school knowing what I know now? I’d do a swell job. I wouldn’t try to fit into someone’s mold, the popular style of jeans or even the popular crowd. I’d be nice to everyone and avoid drama like I now avoid sinus infections.

Yet I let what someone else had get in the way of how I felt about myself and my own self worth.

Hello? Casey? You didn’t learn jack crap from high school.

xoxo-the voice inside your head.

A brilliant friend of mine who was sitting next to me today said that she has spent hours exhausting herself comparing her inside to everyone else’s outside.

Let’s talk about doughnuts.

We’ve all seen the pretty perfect round doughnuts at the grocery store, the ones that seem as though their icing was painted on and every sprinkle’s location artfully mapped out by a seasoned professional.

They taste like crap.

Then there’s my favorite bakery by my house. Most of their baked goods look as though they have been sat on. The store is gray and the workers are salty women who wear too much eye makeup. But as soon as you bite into a fluff filled caramel iced bar? You know you’ve got something good. And you would never trade it for the prettiest doughnut from the fanciest most hyped up celebrity ridden doughnut store in the world.

I realize that my friends I referenced earlier are now thinking I’m saying they taste like crap and their whole lives are a farce. But really? The fact that I adore them both so much it overshadows all the nasty jealous feelings my nasty Barca dwelling attitude is able to fling out.

I am no longer going to let myself compare my tasty cream filled insides to other people’s seemingly flawless yet-taste-like-crap-insides outsides. I hope you’ll do the same. And I really hope we never envy each other, it’s such a waste of time. Let me be happy for you when your awesome parade goes by just as I’d appreciate it if you stood up and gave me a little holler during my 4:42 second awesome dance to Candyman.

As long as the Lord and the lady with the crazy hair staring back at me in the mirror is happy with me?

I’ve got all the approval I need.

Now I just need a doughnut.

Related posts:

  1. High School Boosical.
  2. celebrating the deep end of the gene pool.
  3. N is for nap because W made me tired.
  4. Best gifts ever.

Comments off.

By Jen on 01.25.09 9:29 pm | Permalink

Its almost funny how much this post spoke to me, you just said everything I’ve been thinking for the past few weeks. Perhaps it was the wake up call I needed to appreciate what I DO have and stop wishing I had what everyone else has. Thanks!

Side note: You may have a smelly sink, loads of debt and a semi-absentee husband but you have lots of things that I’m jealous for such as a beautiful little girl, awesome photog skills and a great blog with lots of fabulous readers! :)

Jens last blog post..jbshaw: @perksofbeingme I’ll be sure to keep you in my thoughts, I know how scary the not knowing can be

By amy on 01.25.09 9:38 pm | Permalink

bravo girl….xo

amys last blog post..""I’m gonna treat you so good, you’re never gonna let me go"

By Jill on 01.25.09 9:48 pm | Permalink

I have been suffering from “I don’t measure up”-itis too lately. I blame Facebook and all the girls from high school I’ve friended on there. They look fabulous and have fabulous lives and FABULOUS! Me? Not so much. Have you seen my hair lately? Ugh! Whatever the opposite of fabulous is? That’s me. And people with more kids than me do a better job of keeping their house clean. And my 4 year old seems to have forgotten how to write his name since I dropped him down to two days of preschool a week. I’m the ****tiest of the ****ty and everyone else is better than me at everything. Or at least that’s how it feels some days. How do you undo that, though? How do you allow yourself to give yourself a break? I don’t know. But if you figure it out, let me now!

Jills last blog post..Friday Funnies

By Marty on 01.25.09 9:49 pm | Permalink

I like you just the way you are! :)

By DesignHER Momma on 01.25.09 9:55 pm | Permalink

I used to be like you used to be. I alway wanted to be like somebody else, pissed that I was the way I was.

Then I too realized that I’m much happier and less stressed out when I’m content with what I have.

My life is so much better when I’m not trying to constantly change myself to fit an impossible mold.

DesignHER Mommas last blog post..A different type of Tuesday

By Kristin on 01.25.09 9:56 pm | Permalink

I haven’t commented in awhile, but I’ve been lurking. :)

Hope this helps. Keep smiling!

Kristins last blog post..Ugh, I hate titles

By sarah marie p on 01.25.09 10:02 pm | Permalink

Thanks for this post. xoxo

sarah marie ps last blog post..Going to P-town!

By Nichole on 01.25.09 10:17 pm | Permalink

My little brother just bought a house (we’ll probably be renting for at least 5 more years), and my sister-in-law just bought a new car (there’s a mouse living in our van). I’ve been struggling mightily with this very thing recently. Thank you for kicking me in the pants. Now I’m going to download “Candyman.”

(But I have to admit that I thought you were talking about this song until I clicked the link.)

Nicholes last blog post..Friday links! A few little gems

By Suebob on 01.25.09 10:17 pm | Permalink

Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

That was the topic of our sermon at church today…interesting coincidence.

PS I love your tasty cream-filled self.

By ashley on 01.25.09 10:17 pm | Permalink

This post kind of brought me back to you. I’ve been reading your blog for over a year and recently I just had not commented very much. I can’t explain why, I still enjoyed your writing, its just that your tone seemed different.

To me this seems like the old Casey. Very true. Very real. Very personable.

I’m going to take your advice and not worry about keeping up with the Joneses or Smiths or whoever. Thanks for the great post and message.

By Jen on 01.25.09 10:42 pm | Permalink

Great post. I think we all go through phases of looking for approval and we’re human, we cannot but feel envious now and then about what we don’t have and want. But because we’re human we can also gain some perspective and value what we do have. Enjoy yous kid, your husband, your life as is right now. Believe me, it will change. Hopefully for the better.

Jens last blog post..Grace in Small Things: 7 of 365

By ameliorate me on 01.25.09 11:01 pm | Permalink

I can’t let a “Fresh Prince” reference go unnoted!

It’s hard not to compare ourselves to others, want stuff we don’t have. I’ll gladly join in on your goal.

By Mom2four on 01.25.09 11:24 pm | Permalink

That was a beatiful post.

…and exactly what I needed to hear tonight.

Thanks! :o )

By lj on 01.25.09 11:44 pm | Permalink

This probably won’t mean much, but I was laughing so hard when I read this that John made me share. Not far into the re-reading, as we were both cracking up, he commented on what a good writer you are. I have always wished that I could write….that I could possibly have anything worth writing….and that I could put it so eloquently that people wouldn’t be able to resist reading. Yeah whatever – I’m over it – it’s not happening. But I’m sure glad I get to read your writing!

By Rhea on 01.25.09 11:45 pm | Permalink

Wow, who knew donuts could be such an awesome metaphor?!

Impressive. And appreciated.

Thanks.
I’m having a rough day.

Rheas last blog post..Prayers please

By SciFi Dad on 01.25.09 11:46 pm | Permalink

Maybe the scent of the fabric softener would help with that smell under the sink?

SciFi Dads last blog post..Noises In The Night

By zeghsy on 01.25.09 11:57 pm | Permalink

the green-eyed monster has been living in my head lately too. glad to know i wasn’t alone. :) you’re fabulous. there’s fanfare for you. :D

zeghsys last blog post..wow. am i bored or what?

By Donna on 01.26.09 12:02 am | Permalink

21 years ago I was where you are now. My husband was in his last year of law school and we lived in a ghetto townhouse and we had a falling apart car and student loans. Those years were hard, but I have some of my fondest memories from that time. Now we have the home, car, and the loans are all paid off. They don’t really make any difference. What matters is your family, and you have that all together. Hang in there

By Kendra on 01.26.09 12:05 am | Permalink

If you’re willing to share, I’d love to know what bakery that is, since I live here, too! =)

By Melissa on 01.26.09 12:06 am | Permalink

Thank you for this post. I needed it, too.

Melissas last blog post..hair halp needed!

By Carrie on 01.26.09 12:13 am | Permalink

So glad you blogged about this! I’m SOOOO there! I hate seeing the women (hell, girls are more like it since they are younger then me) living in nicer homes with nicer furnishings, and nicer clothes, and cooler stuff for their kids! It makes me feel so behind and inadequate! The worst is going to the dance studio with my daughter and hanging out in the lobby with all the other mommy’s who drive really nice SUV’s and have really big homes and lots of money to spend on laser hair removal and complain incessantly about how “fat” they are and how they are doing the cleansing thing again and are sooo hungry! Seriously, I think it’s time that they ate a doughnut! These “fat” mommy’s weigh like 80 pds! GIVE ME A FREAKIN’ BREAK ALREADY! I weigh A LOT more, can’t you see!? What am I? A BIG FAT WHALE? You should see how much my self-esteem and self-worth gets sucked dry during that 45 min. class! Woo Hoo!

I’ll join you in the effort to quit being so “green”, with envy that is! Ha! That was stupid!

Love you’re beautifulness and awesomeness! Proud that you are my cousin! Love ya!

By kat on 01.26.09 12:13 am | Permalink

YOU ARE MY FAVORITE!!!!!!

By punkinmama on 01.26.09 12:29 am | Permalink

Wow, I really needed to read this! In fact, I’m sure I’ll need to read it many more times in the future, so I’m going to have to star it in my Google Reader and come back to it often!

punkinmamas last blog post..because i said so

By Missives From Suburbia on 01.26.09 12:38 am | Permalink

Well-said.

I have a very visible scar. It serves to remind me that while I may have something that isn’t flawless on the outside, I’m a pretty good person on the inside with a lot going for me. Most people wear their scars on the inside. The inside uglies are the worst kind. You are not inside ugly.

Missives From Suburbias last blog post..Congratulations!

By Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy on 01.26.09 1:03 am | Permalink

Very beatifully said. I think it’s human nature to struggle with feelings of envy and question our self worth. I’m so glad you had your a-ha moment!

Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommys last blog post..(Almost) Wordless Wednesday: Why I Will Be Offline Tonight

By Mrs. Wilson on 01.26.09 2:11 am | Permalink

AMEN TO THAT CASEY! Wow. You just said what was in my head. I also live in an apartment and never see my husband because he’s in school full time and works full time (until this week because he got fired because of the stupid recession) and am drowning in student loans (not law school student loans, but student loans none the less).

Thank you for this post. It’s pretty much perfect – because it’s from your heart. My favorite kind of post.

Mrs. Wilsons last blog post..It’s all in my head

By Mrs. Wilson on 01.26.09 2:12 am | Permalink

ps. the comments are acting up a bit … but maybe you got that already?

Mrs. Wilsons last blog post..It’s all in my head

By Lindy on 01.26.09 5:49 am | Permalink

Oh and here I am envying you because you’re beautiful, talented, you win like CRAZY prizes, your blog rocks (while mine will forever be destined to be visited by only my family), your kid is super duper cute, you have loads of friends… you get

By Lindy on 01.26.09 5:52 am | Permalink

ooops didn’t finish the last comment.
… you get my point. It’s human nature. If you manage to not be envious of others that will be one monumental feat!

Lindys last blog post..Waiting for Spring to arrive

By Vic on 01.26.09 7:27 am | Permalink

It’s a hard one. In so many ways we don’t measure up to others, but in many more ways our lives are so much better. It’s difficult to find the good and the better in our lives when we see how others sparkle and shine.
I guess it’s donuts.

By Must be Motherhood on 01.26.09 9:31 am | Permalink

What a great thing to keep in mind. Argh. I always find appreciating what I have and not lusting after what others have a work in progress.

Must be Motherhoods last blog post..Grace in Small Things 3 of 365

By kj @ Where my boys at? on 01.26.09 10:02 am | Permalink

great post!
I have “Candyman” on my iPod and I do the dance too!

kj @ Where my boys at?s last blog post..Now THIS is classy

By Emily the Utah transplant from the Midwest on 01.26.09 10:40 am | Permalink

Keeping up with the Jonses. Isn’t that why we are in so much debt as a nation?

I am proud you’re content with what you have. Rock on.

Emily the Utah transplant from the Midwests last blog post..Smog Lake City

By metalia on 01.26.09 10:40 am | Permalink

SO, so true. ANd now I want an iced caramel bar thingy from your bakery. :)

metalias last blog post..The Rural Juror

By Beth on 01.26.09 10:45 am | Permalink

What an awesome entry! I think we all need to remember this lesson, as I definitely have my moments of complaining of what I DON’t have rather than being thankful for what I DO have.

By ali on 01.26.09 10:59 am | Permalink

word.
just word.
:)

alis last blog post..when the cat’s away…

By Amy on 01.26.09 11:47 am | Permalink

I know a lot of those uber-perfect people, and their lives are more flawed beneath the surface than most of us would guess.

Remember the immortal words of Sheryl Crowe – “it’s not having what you want, it’s wanting what you’ve got.”

Personally, I would give ten or fifteen years off of the end of my life to look like you. You are a BABE. And you can DANCE!

Hugs,
Amy

Amys last blog post..Migraine Thursday (Friday Update)

By Dory on 01.26.09 12:40 pm | Permalink

I feel ya, sister. I am addicted to approval, but working on fixing that every day. It’s a work in progress. And I have the feeling it will be for the rest of my life.

By Scott on 01.26.09 1:00 pm | Permalink

I hear you on the donut. I could use one too. I am a big fan of your blog. Although I have only been following for 2 weeks, I am really enjoying it and would love to add your link to my blog (http://scottstipoftheday.blogspot.com)
Would you be interested? Would you consider a link exchange? Keep up the good work.

Scotts last blog post..Teen Wolf

By OHmommy on 01.26.09 1:38 pm | Permalink

I think we all struggle with this> I know I do. Great post!

OHmommys last blog post..Wishes for my daughter(s)

By Britt on 01.26.09 1:50 pm | Permalink

Thanks Casey. I needed this.

Britts last blog post..Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

By ashley. on 01.26.09 2:48 pm | Permalink

Whew.

This is so honest and resonates with me SO deeply. Like, woah.

I am 24. My husband is 28. And I can’t even see a steady job or paycheck in the future. I don’t know when all this will pay off and we’ll be able to be comfortable.

I visited a friend who recently married a pharmacist and turned all kinds of green with envy.

It’s got to stop.

ashley.s last blog post..Joy.

By Domestic Goddess (In Training) on 01.26.09 3:44 pm | Permalink

Is it wrong that I am now craving Jordache jeans and a apple fritter???

Domestic Goddess (In Training)s last blog post..A Cleaning Story

By Julia Shinkle on 01.26.09 4:43 pm | Permalink

I saw a quote once that said…

It is not about having what you want, but wanting what you have.

That pretty much keeps me grounded

Julia Shinkles last blog post..Twenty-six…

By staciesmadness on 01.26.09 6:29 pm | Permalink

we’ve all been there….

staciesmadnesss last blog post..There are no words…

By Chris on 01.27.09 12:26 am | Permalink

Funny thing is that lately I’ve been avoiding reading here because you just seem to get more and more gorgeous every day and the Moosh is just adorable and your blog gets better and better and you’re traveling, meeting cool people AND AND AND… see what I mean? Oh! And you’re all of 26.
Don’t forget, there are plenty of us looking at you and feeling those same feelings of envy, regardless of whether they are right or wrong.

Chriss last blog post..What?

By Jolene on 01.27.09 12:49 am | Permalink

My husband and I didn’t have kids until I was 27, we had been married 7 years. We lived in a one bedroom where he went to law school and we accrued nearly 100,000 in debt. We were married for 10 years when we bought our first TEENY home. We just moved into a “real” sized house. And you know what? I marvel everyday. I had to wait. I had to watch my friends get homes and babies and be student loan debt free. But even though they still drive nicer cars than I do, just like you said, we can only keep going up from here. There’s just a huge appreciation when you’ve really had to work at something and WAIT for it. Good Luck, law school is almost over. Enjoy living like s student for a little longer…

By kara on 01.27.09 5:39 am | Permalink

Echoing everybody else, I needed to see this today, too. My way through college is the slow and bumpy way, and while I know deep down that I am learning more from it than my friends who went straight through in the four-year plan, the fact that they are graduating in May and I am not still doesn’t sit well with my ego. Not to mention that my brilliant new boyfriend is earning a BFA AND a BA at the same time, and will most likely graduate before me with my lonely one degree. He was also valedictorian of his high school, while I barely got through it in one super-depressed piece. There are so many times that he looks at me and says, “Hey Beautiful Girlfriend, I love you,” and I feel inclined to look around inquisitively and say, “Who…? Me? What?” But then I read things like this, and I am reminded that Yes, he means ME, because I am just as deserving as anyone else.

…also, most of those people probably furnished their pretty houses with credit cards, and we’re all finding out how well that turns out, no?

By melissa on 01.27.09 12:02 pm | Permalink

thank you.
This is EXACTLY what I needed. (Mostly the husband part.)

You have no idea, this helped so much! You are one smart, talented and beautiful lady, how could you possibly be jealous of anyone?!

Woot, Woot! (That’s for the candyman dance) ;)
Thanks again,
~M

melissas last blog post..Watching Pet Peeves Develop

By Charon on 01.27.09 2:24 pm | Permalink

Just another comment to say “yeah, what she said” ….

I just got into it for the umpteenth time with a co-worker over piddly random crap and was contemplating ways to garner his approval so I could get on with my day.

Thank you the textual slap. No, seriously. I really really needed it. Right when I read it.

Charons last blog post..New Shop Website!

By fidget on 01.27.09 5:02 pm | Permalink

i go through phases of this. Why? I’m not entirely sure because, in general, I’m insanely happy with my life and on most days, there is NO WAY I’d want their perfect donut. I mean, that has to be EXHAUSTING.

fidgets last blog post..sometimes I hallucinate

By Rachel on 01.27.09 5:55 pm | Permalink

I totally understand, I’ve been there. But somewhere along the way I realized that even though others may look like they have it all, I don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes. And that donut analogy was spot on. Loved it!

Thanks for sharing the hard stuff. After all life’s not always ponies, kittens and rainbows. :)

Rachels last blog post..The Miscarriage That Never Ends

By Anissa@hope4peyton on 01.27.09 7:35 pm | Permalink

Perhaps in the same realm of “I don’t have” is my recent “I deserve better” thing I’ve been going through. Then I have to slap myself in the face and get over my self-entitlement because YEAH, the last few years have sucked…and YEAH we’ve sacrificed everything…but just because it’s mostly over doesn’t mean I get to run around acting like an a**hole and being all I DESERVE MORE for what I’ve done. It’s hard growing up, ain’t it?

Anissa@hope4peytons last blog post..I can’t even begin to lie about it

By ms picket to you on 01.27.09 10:52 pm | Permalink

weirdness abounds. you finding me. me you. and this? pretty much the voice in my head i should listen to more…

By Kristin on 01.28.09 10:17 am | Permalink

This pretty much sums up how I feel whenever I go into anyone else’s house that is cleaner and neater, and more nicely decorated than mine. I come home and just want to cry at my messy home with bare minimum decorations! Thanks for lifting my spirits. I think I will go eat a doughnut now! : )

Kristins last blog post..One Special Day

By Never thought I'd quote the Rolling Stones, but they got that want/need thing right | Hope4Peyton on 01.29.09 7:30 am | Permalink

[...] through my Google reader, I pause on a blog post from one of my most favoritest writers, Casey at Moosh In Indy.  She wrote about comparing yourself to others and finding fault in what you have because [...]

By Rachel on 01.29.09 4:44 pm | Permalink

Can I get an amen? Seriously! I HATED high school. You couldn’t pay me to redo those 3 years of hell and I was well liked too. ECK!

Rachels last blog post..Oh yeah baby…We are ready!

By Susan on 01.30.09 10:47 am | Permalink

And just when I needed the reminder. Thank you.

Susans last blog post..Ox

By Jory Des Jardins on 02.02.09 11:44 am | Permalink

Casey! (Start the Candy Man tune): This post was selected as the BlogHer of the Week post! Come to BlogHer.com and see!

Jory
For Lisa, Elisa, and Jory
(BlogHer Co-Founders)

By Lauren on 02.02.09 12:27 pm | Permalink

Stumbled on your blog and after checking out this post, I am a life-long reader from now on.

Laurens last blog post..Kissable Kreations – GIVEAWAY!

By Briana on 02.02.09 12:36 pm | Permalink

Great post!

Though their lives may seem perfect, you never know what is really going on in their house either! It may not be as picture perfect as it sounds!

Brianas last blog post..Glade Printables up to $10

By Rhonda on 02.04.09 12:47 am | Permalink

Wonderful post!! I got a smack in the face sometime towards the end of last year about the same thing, but I think I went a little more drastic in trying to change my thinking… i threw out a lot of clothes and wore overalls for a few weeks, just so i’d stop comparing my outsides to others…

thanks for sharing!!

Rhondas last blog post..Homeschooling woes

By Michelle on 03.22.09 3:46 am | Permalink

Fantastic!!!!!!!!!!I am always busy seeking approval and trying to make others feel good in order to get their approval, when I stop to think on my accomplishments I am jolted back to the reality that We are all under the same cloud, all the same but different. I am wonderful too!!!

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