Here goes nothing.

Up to this point I have not had anyone get medically involved in my fertility issues outside my yearly spread ‘em, scrape ‘em, squeeze ‘em. I didn’t have insurance nor was I completely sure that eight babies during law school was the best idea (wait, you mean not everyone that goes through fertility treatment gets eight babies? Bummer.)

This past Monday after a Blissful weekend I finally went in to see a doctor. I was in a jovial mood and joked about how I’d make him famous if he could get a litter into my uterus. We joked back and forth about the baby making process and about the appearance of stray body hair (Did I ever mention that I had PCOS? In addition to the occasional RUPTURE of a cyst on my ovary I had dark thick whiskers that grew from every crevice? I didn’t? Wonder why…)

When it came time for the actual exam, results and the real questions his face turned grim. I could tell he didn’t want to have to tell me what he found and what would have to be done about it.

I’m not ready to go into those details yet. With my upcoming travels through February and March it delays  what needs to be done due to timing. And focusing on what I’m going to have to go through will only cause me more heartache.

But let’s just say the answer is not as easy as a prescription for Clomid accompanied by a few months of hot flashes, scheduled sex and hormonal surges of crazy.

I’m going into this hoping to find the humor in it, for some reason I though being able to get pregnant would be natural. Like hunger.

You get hungry, you eat a cheeseburger.

You want to have a baby, you make out.

I’ve had so many sweet people email me thanking me for helping them through their own fertility issues. Some send pictures of their miracle babies, others send me photos of the little kids they were blessed to have through adoption.

I know there’s still some of you out there who can’t get babies where you want or need them to be. I can’t give up and lie to you about how much I’m hurting.

Because I am.

And I cannot be ignorant to all the kindness my readers have shown me. You don’t need to read this stuff, no one makes you. The world won’t stop if you don’t read my blog. But you do. And I’m grateful for that. Grateful that you take the time to send me hugs and kisses and chocolate.

@mooshinindy if it’s hell you have to go through then we will all go with you holding your hand. -@Adrienne

Thank you. All you faceless people and people whom I’ve had the honor of meeting. Thank you for letting me throw my little snit fit pity party.

Business as usual tomorrow? I’ll be discussing prenatal vitamins. If we can put a man on the moon and Apple can make the iPhone, why the hell can’t we make a prenatal vitamin smaller than the state of Rhode Island?

P.S. I’m leaving comments open as long AS NO ONE SAYS “I’M SORRY.”If you can’t think of anything to say besides “I’m sorry” then tell me your favorite kind of sandwich.

P.P.S. Oh, also, if I depressed you enough and you are an emotional eater HAVE I GOT THE GIVEAWAY FOR YOU! Martinis and Chocolate over at my review blog, you’re welcome.

Comments

  1. You are strong, and life is good, and I have confidence that your future holds more children. (((hugs)))

    MommyTimes last blog post..Apparently You Can Zombify Anything

  2. Fertility issues suck. All those tests suck. We went through some stuff before having Zoe.

    We’ve got none of your details out at this end… but… it sounds like you’re getting some answers… and even though they’re not what you wanted to hear… it sounds like there might be something to be done. I’ll be thinking positive thoughts for you.

    Oh… and the sandwich… you just can’t beat a plain old grilled cheese!

    Colleens last blog post..Grace in Small Things – 11

  3. Um, it’s called a “King Sandwich” and it’s peanut butter, melted chocolate and banana slices on pound cake. And perhaps it’s dessert.

    But seriously, I wish you didn’t have to go through something as frustrating and traumatic as this. Perhaps your journey can be helpful to others who might need a role model to get through the same type of thing.

    Good luck. I hope you don’t need it.

    Overflowing Brains last blog post..Catastrophilic

  4. You’re amazing! Just wanted you to know. :)

    Stacys last blog post..February’s My Favorite Month!

  5. I’m determined that one day I’ll be able to say thank you to your face. Thank you for being so open, honest, and willing to talk.

    I also have PCOS. It sucks… I hate that word, but nothing else describes how I feel about PCOS.

    I have 17 darling first graders that greet me every morning with smiles on their faces despite their sometimes awful lives. They ask to come home with me, or to live at school with me. They are why I survive another day without my own little darlings waiting for me at home.

    I pray for both of us to live through these trying times with smiles on our faces and true happiness in our hearts.

    Good luck as you continue down your long road. I wish you the very best!

    Erikas last blog post..I love getting stuff… but giving is so much better!

  6. duder, transvaginal ultrasound guided needle aspiration of follicles is TRULY not as bad as it sounds… i see it on a daily basis. i’m the one that searches through the fluid to find the eggs. :)

    punchanellas last blog post..why i have 3 (three) friends i tell the truth to.

  7. Isn’t PCOS so very fun? Ah good times.

    Thank you for bringing us along on your journey, we’re rooting for you!

    Amys last blog post..Just below my skin I’m screaming

  8. I like a good Monte Cristo but a grilled cheese on sourdough works too.

    Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommys last blog post..Random Thought (Warning, A Little Gross)

  9. Hey, your resident stalker here…..but I have a book for you……it was written by my first ever internet friend…from 10 flippin’ years ago…yes, we’ve been internet friends for 10 years and yet to meet IRL. (hahaha, I used those little letters)

    Anyway, it is about secondary infertility and this woman totally rocks the house. Her name is Ninotchaka and she is this petite little Latin thing with 3 children now. But, her second one wasn’t easy to obtain…..you really should email her and get your hands on this handy dandy little book.

    Let me know if you are interested, I’ll stalk her into sending you one…lmao…..

    Jerri Anns last blog post..TV Boyfriends

  10. crap, some friend I am, I spelled her name wrong, it’s Ninotchka

    Jerri Anns last blog post..TV Boyfriends

  11. I will never understand why life can be so unfair.

    That being said, I personally love pizza.

  12. Um, tie between grilled chicken and club (with ketchup to dip).

    kristis last blog post..Mary Mary quite contrary

  13. You are awesome for putting this stuff out there.
    And anything from Schlotzkys.

  14. I love you, you wonderful fantastic woman you. I’ll drink along side you whilst you figure it all out.

    Seriously, awesomeness. You. And wherever life takes you? You know we’re here. XOXO

  15. As a survivor of PCOS and mother of one huge surprise, I’d suggest you continue to be reckless and make out with abandon while considering adoption. Childbirth is overrated, motherhood is idealized, but kids often turn out to be great human beings! Hugs!

  16. BLT… minus the T. And I am in Indy, and I underwent fertility treatments with the most fantastic doctor on the face of the earth. I’m not kidding. I’ve referred several other people to him, and all come away singing his praises, and several have come away singing with babies. Email me, and I’ll give you his name. Good luck!!

  17. I struggled with infertility with my son, it took us 2 years to get pregnant and when we did it was through fertility drugs and IUI. It was tough. Sometimes, really tough. When I finally got pregnant, we had already started saving up to adopt and I’d sort of given up – then it happened!

    I just want to say thanks for sharing – it will help other women out there feel less alone. I used the message boards at Fertile Thoughts, and found a LOT of support and information there since I didn’t have any friends with the same experience.

    Good luck to you wherever your journey takes you. Throughout the whole thing, I hope you’re able to stay healthy and not be too stressed out!

    Rachaels last blog post..For Valentines Day – A Different Kind of Love

  18. After trying for years to have a second baby (and failing) I found out I was pregnant in December. It was a big, yet happy surprise. But I recently miscarried. It has been the second miscarriage, third baby lost. (I can keep houseplants alive, but apparently not fetuses.) I pity partied hard.

    Just saying… Thanks for writing about this. It is oddly comforting to know that there are other people going through some difficult stuff in a quest to grow their family. The “tell me about your fave sandwich” is a brilliant idea, btw.

    (BLT. But only if I’ve got a chocolate shake to accompany. Yes, Bacon and chocolate. Two great things that (sort of) taste great together. :-)

    motherofbuns last blog post..Long, Long, Journey

  19. Dude. PCOS is no fun and I hope this comment isn’t seen as one of those sappy “when life gives you lemons….” comments because that’s not the intent. My two very best friends had PCOS in their 20′s and 30′s. BOTH were told they would be lucky if they could ever have a child. My friend Laura had three in 2 years, 1 boy and a set of twin boys. My other bff Missy, who didn’t “try” to have kids until her late 30′ was so discouraged that she and her husband adopted a baby girl from China. And of course got immediately pregnant. You are still young and there’s lots of stuff about the female plumbing that those doctors don’t know, I swear to you. Second opinion and lots of good prayers…try not to lose hope although I know how very hard it is. The two women I mention are my two bff’s since college, watched them suffer through it. Big hugs. xoxoxoxxo

    Michelle-White Trash Moms last blog post..The Redneck Mommy Shower: A Virtual Jello Salad

  20. PS-Re: My friend Missy the one who adopted and then got pretty much twins with an adopted baby girl from China and her baby born she gave birth to. After she got pregnant the doctors told her it was a fluke of nature and would never happen again. Until her NEXT daughter was born, two years later. Srsly, the doctors mean well and they know certain things but often they don’t know as much as they seem to know. That’s all I wanted to say.

  21. I also have PCOS and feel your pain. I tried for 3 1/2 years to get pregnant and it finally happened!! Take 2 flinstone vitamins instead of those horse pills they call prenatls! They taste much yummier! Good luck to you!

  22. My heart aches for your desire for another baby. I will keep you in my prayers.

    My favorite sandwich is the Monte Cristo. I love that melty cheese, ham and turkey sandwich dipped in batter then fried or done French Toast style. It is so yummy sprinkled with powdered sugar and dipped in raspberry jam. Honestly you need to try it if you have never had one!

  23. I just found your blog, and was going through the archives. I was particularly struck by the fact that you A) live in my home city and B) have PCOS, too.

    Though I ovulate regularly, I have all kinds of other PCOS symptoms (heavy middle, cysts on the ovaries, body hair, hair LOSS on my head, etc).

    With treatment, most of my symptoms are now gone, or barely noticeable. But, because to get preggos I’d have to come off my meds and then maybe have trouble conceiving, I’m not sure I want children, but I do appreciate your struggle. I wish you the best.