Here goes nothing.

Up to this point I have not had anyone get medically involved in my fertility issues outside my yearly spread ‘em, scrape ‘em, squeeze ‘em. I didn’t have insurance nor was I completely sure that eight babies during law school was the best idea (wait, you mean not everyone that goes through fertility treatment gets eight babies? Bummer.)

This past Monday after a Blissful weekend I finally went in to see a doctor. I was in a jovial mood and joked about how I’d make him famous if he could get a litter into my uterus. We joked back and forth about the baby making process and about the appearance of stray body hair (Did I ever mention that I had PCOS? In addition to the occasional RUPTURE of a cyst on my ovary I had dark thick whiskers that grew from every crevice? I didn’t? Wonder why…)

When it came time for the actual exam, results and the real questions his face turned grim. I could tell he didn’t want to have to tell me what he found and what would have to be done about it.

I’m not ready to go into those details yet. With my upcoming travels through February and March it delays  what needs to be done due to timing. And focusing on what I’m going to have to go through will only cause me more heartache.

But let’s just say the answer is not as easy as a prescription for Clomid accompanied by a few months of hot flashes, scheduled sex and hormonal surges of crazy.

I’m going into this hoping to find the humor in it, for some reason I though being able to get pregnant would be natural. Like hunger.

You get hungry, you eat a cheeseburger.

You want to have a baby, you make out.

I’ve had so many sweet people email me thanking me for helping them through their own fertility issues. Some send pictures of their miracle babies, others send me photos of the little kids they were blessed to have through adoption.

I know there’s still some of you out there who can’t get babies where you want or need them to be. I can’t give up and lie to you about how much I’m hurting.

Because I am.

And I cannot be ignorant to all the kindness my readers have shown me. You don’t need to read this stuff, no one makes you. The world won’t stop if you don’t read my blog. But you do. And I’m grateful for that. Grateful that you take the time to send me hugs and kisses and chocolate.

@mooshinindy if it’s hell you have to go through then we will all go with you holding your hand. -@Adrienne

Thank you. All you faceless people and people whom I’ve had the honor of meeting. Thank you for letting me throw my little snit fit pity party.

Business as usual tomorrow? I’ll be discussing prenatal vitamins. If we can put a man on the moon and Apple can make the iPhone, why the hell can’t we make a prenatal vitamin smaller than the state of Rhode Island?

P.S. I’m leaving comments open as long AS NO ONE SAYS “I’M SORRY.”If you can’t think of anything to say besides “I’m sorry” then tell me your favorite kind of sandwich.

P.P.S. Oh, also, if I depressed you enough and you are an emotional eater HAVE I GOT THE GIVEAWAY FOR YOU! Martinis and Chocolate over at my review blog, you’re welcome.

Comments

  1. A good Italian sub. Warm with Italian dressing, not sauce. Blah. Here’s to you … and all the fun you’ll have at least trying to have a baby. Rowr.

  2. I’ve got a mild PCOS thing, am an emotional eater, and totally awesome just like you. heh

    Let’s get knocked up this year, k??

    xoxo

    VDogs last blog post..Love Is…In Your Bedroom

  3. No advice. No sorrys.

    Read my friend: http://xbox4nappyrash.com

    Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]s last blog post..Worse Than Being Puked On

  4. I’m new to your blog, but I’m not new to PCOS! I never tried to get pregnant, in part because of that, so I appreciate what’s ahead of you.

    Mauras last blog post..Grace in Small Things, 13/365-ish

  5. No PCOS, no diagnosis, no vagina, shockingly little body hair, and no shame.

    Lots of trying and failing and swearing and repeating.

    (Chicken, sweetcorn, and warm bacon on a thick brown loaf.)

    Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..Clear as mucky mind mud

  6. I wish I could give you my uterus. I will hold your hand and be your shoulder and support to hell and back again, my friend of my heart.
    All the love that I have is in those pearls and I pray they are as lucky as I was when you decided we’d be friends.

    Even in this, there is humor. God is using you in amazing ways and has big plans for you.
    SMOOCHES

  7. We’re all blessed that you’re willing to share your journey with us.

  8. Ugh, prenatals are NASTY. And gave horrendous heartburn, so I never took them, instead I stuffed my face with the cereals that had the highest levels of vitamins possible. GM, I heart you.

    Favorite sandwich? Wow, that’s tough, I adore a good grilled panini with tomato, basil, mozzarella, and some olive oil. But these days tomatoes give me migraines, so I’m abstaining.
    Growing up my sister’s favorite was nutella sandwiches. Can’t go wrong with bread and chocolate, right? Mmmm chocolate.

    Jessica (from It’s my life…)s last blog post..Did you notice the new digs? Hun? Hun?

  9. So if your ever in Toronto for some reason check out a place called The Montreal Deli… seriously the best beef dip on rye you will ever put in your mouth. OH and the dill pickle TO DIE FOR! Seriously it’s worth the airfare! Sometimes I fly home just for the sandwich, I just tell my MIL that it’s to visit.

  10. so i came on over form GNO last night and saw you were from here in indy…which is kinda fun! then i came by today and read your post. so i had 9 years of infertility issues with hubs…only dealt with them for aobut 3, then adopted 2 kiddos…thought we were done, then god laughed and after a dnc for interuterine cyst removals and a little spring cleaning, viola, el prego with #4…which is now 12 months and the best little gift and surprise i’ve ever been given! hang in there. i don’t know what is in store for you, but i know that it’s gonna be a journey that won’t be quick and won’t be the straight road. prayers for you.

  11. Peanut Butter and Jelly on white Wonder Bread fresh from the package. Nutritional crap but good for what ails ya!

    I’ll make you a dozen.

    Condo Bluess last blog post..How to Keep a Shower Curtain Rod from Falling

  12. Do what you have to do and then we’ll spend the summer siting by the river throwing rocks as hard as we can because you’re angry, and then we’ll throw sticks and watch the anger float away.

    And now I’m supposed to devulge my favorite sammich? Tuna on a baguette from au bon pain.

    Must Be Motherhoods last blog post..I’m all at sea

  13. You mention Clomid but not IVF…have you looked into that? My gf has PCOS and went into early menopause by age 20…with IVF she has six children with donor eggs and her husband’s sperm. Since you aren’t in menopause you could use your own eggs. Downside is that it is $pendy. And you never know…I was hospitalized twice in my twenties with ruptured ovarian cysts and am working on number five. Good luck.

  14. Just Shireen says:

    Fave sandwhich: chicken parm panini.

  15. Chicken Pesto on Wheat!

    My god-daugther has PCOS too – she is only 21 now but she is aware that she may have to deal with issues like the ones you describe when she is old enough to want kids. She is amazing with my daughter and I so wish for her, as I do for you, that you get to experience motherhood! … in whichever way works for and resonates with you!

  16. That sucks ass. I’ve been there, and I’m sandwich that you have to go there too. http://tinyurl.com/c78cpk.

    xoxoxo my friend.

  17. Best sandwich ever: Butter one side of a piece of wheat bread, and place it, butter side down, in a hot pan (as if for grilled cheese). Put one slice of sharp cheddar cheese on top of the bread. Then put another slice of buttered bread next to that piece. Put a slice of cheddar cheese on top of that bread, too. Put bacon on top of the cheddar cheese. Then put sliced turkey on top of the bacon. Cook until both pieces of bread are toasted.

    Meanwhile, slice lettuce, tomatoes, and avocado. When your bread is done, transfer it to a plate, top it with the lettuce, tomato, avocado, and ranch. If you don’t want a slippery sandwich, mash the avocado and ranch together and spread them on top of the cheese on the one slice of toasted bread before putting the veggies on.

    And now you know why I’m fat.

    Anyway, I hope your journey through infertility is as short as mine was. The day before my first infertility appointment with a new doctor, after two years of trying, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I told the doctor, “Wow, you’re good – you fixed whatever was wrong over the phone!!”

    Amys last blog post..Stories Everywhere

  18. That sux.
    Damn.

    Dugis last blog post..In honour of Valentines day

  19. The world needs more souls like yours, so I’m betting things are gonna work out. And in the mean time I’m praying, old school style.

    Regarding the eight babies, is anyone else totally feeling Holly Hunter in Raising Arizona? Where’s John Goodman when you need to steal a baby y’all?

    Love ya lady!

    Amy in OHios last blog post..Eating the Bliss

  20. I currently have so many friends struggling with infertility… it sucks. My favorite sandwich is a big juicy burger (how original).
    And the prenatals… yuck! Just thinking of them makes me gag a little…

    punkinmamas last blog post..next

  21. I love peanut butter and jelly, I know it’s quite juvenile of me, but I do, I love it.

    I wish nothing but pure happiness to you and your new adventure. It is an adventure isn’t it? I hope that in the end, whatever you have to go through, it will all be worth every tear, every worry and every milestone!

    staciesmadnesss last blog post..(Mostly) Wordless Wednesday

  22. read the Schwarzbein Principle

    see if the eating plan is doable for you. It’s how I got knocked up with the beautiful boy that turned 2 today

    and for the record, I love a good hummus and cucumber sandwich with tomato and swiss on millet bread.

    fidgets last blog post..Happy happy birthday baby son

  23. My favorite sammich is the classic chick-fil-a chicken sammich. And I REALLY enjoyed meeting you this weekend, and I really look forward to reading about what amazing things God is going to do for you.

    Jenny from Mommin’ It Up!s last blog post..What do you get when you mix 25 bloggers and one swanky southern restaurant?

  24. Ahh, the infertility issue sucks a big one, as for PCOS didn’t you always want to be covered in hair like a man! I know its tops on my list.

    I’m a big fan of sandwiches, but my all time favorite is grilled cheese, with anything.

    Oh by the way Thanks saying what a lot of the rest of us feel.

  25. I sure do love a good Cuban sandwich. But I’ll expand that to any sandwich that I don’t have to make and/or cut the crusts off.

    Prenatal vitamins? Icky.

    Sarahs last blog post..Heart & Soul… For Valentines Day

  26. Today is the first day I’ve ever looked at your blog! I too have PCOS! (I have those black hairs in the very same crevices you speak of!!) I would love to know how your doctor is treating you…The best doctor in the world for treating PCOS is in New Albany, MS. (Yes, Mississippi)! He has helped so many of my friends! Are you taking metformin, progesterone, etc? Please email me (atrobin@olemiss.edu) I’d love to share my story with you or anyone else with the same fertility issues!

    Angela Robinsons last blog post..Blocks

  27. This is why I like you and why I’m not sorry for you.
    The first time I met you, at Blissdom, you opened right up about your fertility struggles. And considering your blog has a healthy readership, I’m impressed that you are courageous and confident enough to be so transparent.
    You aren’t stuck in the corner crying yourself to sleep every night (though I’m sure you have days like that). No, you are saying, “this is ****, and it ain’t fair, dammit,” but you don’t give up and you don’t throw a pity party.
    I don’t know what is in store for you and your family, but I trust that whatever it is, you will make the best of it because that’s just what you do. You see a table, and you turn it into a dance floor! Party on.

    Alis last blog post..Valentine Craft Aftermath

  28. So whiskers you say?

    I love my waxing lady because of you. You urged me to go. So yeah, no whiskers for me. However barren-osity city for me too.

    You voice my fears and frustrations better than I can at times.

    Gracias!

    JachiCues last blog post..Drip Drop…

  29. The comic stylings of Hal Roach:

    Father Murphy was the priest in a little village just outside of Donegal. One day the damn above the town burst and the valley began to flood. As the nave of the church began to fill with water some of the townspeople floated by in a small boat.

    “Father! We’ve room in the boat! Jump in and save yourself!”

    “No no,” replied Father Murphy, “have no fear for me. The Good Lord will look after me.”

    As the church flooded Father Murphy was forced to flee up to the balcony. Through one of the stained glass windows he could see another boat float by, with more of the townsfolk inside.

    “Father! Get in the boat! You’ll surely die if you stay there!”

    “Have no fear, my children. The Good Lord would never forsake me. I will be fine.”

    The church flooded and Father Murphy was forced up into the belltower, clinging to the bell for dear life. And another boat drifted by, packed tight with townspeople.

    “Father! It’s a tight squeeze, but we’ll make room for you! Get in the boat! There are no more boats in the village. If you stay here you’ll surely drown!”

    “No no, I have put my faith in the Lord. He will care for and shelter me against this great disaster that has befallen our town.”

    A final, surging tide of water submerged even the bell tower, and Father Murphy drowned.

    He made his way through the queue before the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter overheard him mumbling to himself.

    “I just can’t understand it. I can’t understand why the Good Lord would forsake me in my time of need.”

    And Saint Peter chucked him gently under the chin, raising Father Murphy’s gaze up to meet his own.

    “Well,” he said, “we did send three boats, you know.”

    Backpacking Dads last blog post..Economics and Guilt

  30. that should read “one day the DAM” above the town…

    not the “damn”.

    Damn.

    Backpacking Dads last blog post..Economics and Guilt

  31. I’m thankful for your transparency.

    Not all of us are struggling through fertility issues, but I bet everyone has an empty place. Offering a ministry (of humor, of empathy, of companionship, of whatever) because of personal pain sucks, but it is still ministry.

    Keep sharing it, sister.

  32. If there was anyway I could let you use my uterus, I would.

    Seriously. I’m done with mine and it’s in good working order. I mean, you know, if you hear of a way…

    Miss Britts last blog post..With Bated Breath

  33. I found out I have Celiac/gluten intolerance back in October and haven’t had bread since then. I haven’t found a GF bread that is worth even a tenth of its cost. So at this point I’d love a fabulous sandwich with veggies, some meat but mostly veggies. I had the most amazing veggie sandwich at the Denver airport last summer. Man I miss sandwiches.

  34. It’s amazing the things you find out the older you get in life… like I knew my college roommate had PCOS before I knew my mom did. No wonder it took her 7 years to have me.
    Now… me is thinking I should get to the doctor as well.

    Kristas last blog post..An Imaginary Trip

  35. You are amazing. Thank you for sharing this, for being honest, and for disallowing the “I’m sorry” comments. This will get easier.

    Lots of sandwichy love,
    xox

    heidikinss last blog post..For the King of Hearts

  36. Hugs.

    And I’m eating the best caprese sandwich ever right now.

    Just ’cause you asked.

    Fear and Parenting is last blog post..Questions I Can’t Answer

  37. Purported favorite sandwich: turkey/bacon/guacamole

    Actual favorite sandwich: peanut butter/mayonnaise

    Prenatal vitamin + morning sickness + getting said vitamin stuck in your throat = monumentally crappy morning

    all things BDs last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Hamsters Rule, Dogs Drool

  38. I have PCOS too, I hate it. Yuck. Here’s to a good pair of tweezers…. yeah. I always think if I was stranded on a desert island, and I could bring one item, It would be TWEEZERS.

    Ambers last blog post..Bargain find

  39. I’ve accepted my lot in life. Couldn’t have children. Was blessed with two wonderful step children. As much as I love them, it’s not the same. Please don’t judge me on that comment. I love my step kids soooo much! But to go through a pregnancy, hold something that loves me absolutely unconditionally … sigh …

    Crazy Mos last blog post..Skipping down Memory Lane

  40. seriously…..that sucks. really, really bad. prayers being sent your way.

  41. I have to tell you I feel your pain with infertility and PCOS. I have been through surgeries and all in over the 7 years of trying. There have been many tears shed over negative tests and waves of depression over my bummed womanly parts.

    BUT it can happen and it WILL happen.

    After 7 years now, I just got pregnant(naturally without help, who knew?).

    Dear Moosh in Indy we are all here rooting for you and I can not wait until it happens for you, because it will…

    ~Crooked Eyebrow

    crookedeyebrows last blog post..Shrinking Jeans weigh in

  42. I’m so glad you saw a doctor. I’ve been putting it off because I’m afraid of what she’ll say. I’m going next Tuesday though…we’ll see what happens.

    A friend of mine sent me a book today that you may be interested in. It’s called “Empty Womb, Aching Heart” by Marlo Schalesky. My friend says it was so helpful and encouraging when she was experiencing some infertility issues. I haven’t read it yet, but it looks good. Praying for you (and your reproductive system!)!

    Katies last blog post..Barack O’Pocalypse?

  43. I have PCOS too! But the only weird things that go on with my body are the exploding cysts and the completely whacked out anovulatory periods.

    The doctor says Clomid will probably work for me. Just got to focus on getting health insurance now. (Actually, it comes in 90 days with my brand new job).

  44. Been there done that… Have you tried some good ole fashion intense stress and life instability to help with the conception?

    Worked for me just after we made to cross country move from Arizona to Indiana, while we weren’t insured and right after we finally got engaged after 7 years…

    Anyway, I don’t know that the doc found but all mine told me I wasn’t going to get pregnant (until physical things changed within me) but as soon as the stress and craziness kicked in I got fertile and got knocked up.

    Talinas last blog post..Bubbling with anticipation and watching the world blow by…

  45. Your phrase to describe a pelvic exam is the most perfect thing I have ever heard. “Spread ‘em, scrape ‘em, squeeze ‘em”…ha! Am I the only person who truly hates that experience? When they take my blood pressure I look and think, “I’m a heartbeat away from passing out. I WONDER WHY.”

    Memo to Casey’s baby-making business, temporarily on hiatus: GET ON IT.

    Marins last blog post..Fudgey Delicious In A Consolidated Brownie Form

  46. The good news being – the grim faced doc has a plan. It sounds like it sucks. But it has to be better than no plan at all, right?

    You’ll make it.

  47. Please keep talking about it and being open about it. I can’t do the same, so I need to hear someone else’s voice.

    Also, anyone had an HSG test and willing to share the details with me? I go in Friday.

    Megans last blog post..Because five questions are easier than 25 random facts…

  48. Tofurkey and swiss on sprouted wheat bread.

    Suebobs last blog post..Everybody’s talkin’ at me

  49. mmm…favorite sandwich…phili from THE Philidelephian in Sandy, UT! Gotta go. Just don’t look at the grody area they cook in. ;)

    Thanks for sharing. really. you. are. brave.

    Evonnes last blog post..Christmas in February

  50. I admire your way…
    keep up
    you are an example..
    thanks

    demetrios the travellers last blog post..GuangZhou New Spring Flower Market …????, ? ???????????? ??? ???????