I have a recordable Hallmark card for my mom for Mother’s Day (SURPRISE MOM! You’re getting a recordable card!) and I’ve had it for weeks.

I don’t know what to record.

Chances are she’ll show it to her friends, so I have to make her proud.

At the same time I have to keep her on her toes.

I like to think that part of the reward of having me as a daughter is that you’re never quite sure what you’re going to get.

I also consider it a huge gift to Cody, his life would be so boring without me.

(Side note, the other night at boring law function #3 he could sense my overwhelming distaste for lawyers and how much they like to hang around each other, use big words, congratulate themselves and be all encompassing in their complete and utter boring. I don’t feel so bad about this. Lawyers and other “professionals” even have a term for people like me, “Layperson.” If lawyers are going to come up with a snarky sounding dig to my kind I’m going to roll my eyes when no one is looking at their kind. Cody felt it necessary to scold me before boring law function #4 ate my face and I took to flying around the room with a gavel screaming “Justice is BLIIIIIIND! YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUUUUTH!!!1!!!!1″)

Today while lying around recovering from the toxic chicken fingers from boring law function #3 (apparently one must build up tolerance to law function food, especially when not chasing said food with flammable beverages) I thought that maybe I could tell all my mom the stuff I did that she never knew about but lived through.

Or maybe she did.

Regardless, SORRY MOM!

Now that I’m a mom I’m beginning to realize just how many superhero perks come with the job. Catlike reflexes, eyes in the back of your head, uncanny lie detection ability and well stocked saddlebags (just to name a few.)

I distinctly remember coming home the morning after a night of warm Goldschläger shots, a night that landed me face down in the grass in someones backyard after vomiting on at least seven pairs of shoes (one of them belonging to my boyfriend at the time. Whoops.) I had lied to my mom about the entire night saying I had fallen asleep after a movie and whoops! so sorry! (If you weren’t well aware that my very existence during my teenage years was a little touch and go, YOU ARE NOW.) I stumbled into my room in the morning claiming flu, when in all reality it was the WORST HANGOVER A HUMAN HAD EVER EXPERIENCED.

My mom dragged me out into the living room and asked “Would you like to tell us about your drinking habits?”

Actually no, mom. I would not like to tell you, but given it was really hard to blink I muttered out some story “Goldscccchlagggerrrrr *urp*…warm…soooosick, didn’tnooooo sooORRRYY, neverrrrragain *burp* bad chhhooiiicceess. bednowkthx.”

I may have still been heavily intoxicated but I remember my moms face and subsequent words PERFECTLY. “I was actually referencing the bottle of whiskey I found in your bottom drawer.”

Oh crap.

I had just admitted to something she didn’t even know I had done.

Instead she was asking about the giant bottle of whiskey my (previously mentioned puked on) boyfriend had snuck up to my house on a day we had both sluffed school.

There was no way out of this little pickle.

Not only was I grounded until I turn 28 (one more year! yaaayy!) I had to go to work in my hangover laden state.

I worked the pie counter at a local pie shop.

Goldschläger Hangover + Pie = something that makes pouring salt in an open wound look very appealing.

I haaaated her for making me go to work, but now that I’m a mom?

Awesome.

Although it didn’t convince me to stop drinking (yet) it did convince me to a) not drink to the point of blacking out b) find better hiding places and  c) not get caught in the first place.

Nominee #1 for Recordable Hallmark Mother’s Day card?

Hey Mom! Happy Mother’s Day! One day soon I’m going to be the parent of a teenager! HOW’S THAT FOR VINDICATION? I love you!”

Comments

  1. PERFECT card. And I now want some pie. If this was The Pie I am doubly screwed and want pie and pizza.

  2. I don’t know … you make drinking sound really cool, like I really need to experience it myself in order to join the awesome club.

  3. Wow. All I can think is that the Moosh is going to hand it back to you tenfold, most likely. wow.

    Rheas last blog post..The Hand of Ice, A Pee Strike & I got ID’d at Office Max

  4. I think you should just re-read this entire post in the card. Because that would be both thoughtful, and hilarious. And unexpected.

    I only drank until I couldn’t remember once and it was wine and shots of grape hard alcohol and of course it was at a professor’s house. My 21st birthday was 2 weeks later and I didn’t drink a drop.

    And now I live in New Orleans, where most of my 16 year old students can out drink me.

    Overflowing Brains last blog post..Commencement

  5. Hindsight really is the best. It makes you appreciate your parents so much more when you have your own children. But then when you have daughters you just tremble at the thought. I’m going to be sweating through the teenage years cause if she even acts 1/3 as bad as I did, then I’m in for it.

    I might as well get myself a Valium script now.

    ashleys last blog post..The Look Alike Marriage

  6. i like “****tails”….when i was a teen and still. :)
    but i’m worried cuz my oldest just turned 12 and observes me par-take frequently. :(

    Keris last blog post..*G-Astronomical* International Feast of a Weekend

  7. I loved Goldschlager in college. Haven’t tried it since, but now I’m thinking about it.

    Avitables last blog post..The Slapchop Rap

  8. I have to say I wouldn’t know what to put in my mom’s card. She always told me I hope you are blessed with a daughter just like yourself…man I better watch my daughter carefully, lol

  9. michelle says:

    you’re amazing and funny.

  10. Your whiskey story is similar to my mom’s birth control story. Apparently she hid her birth control in her underwear drawer and one day my grandma had watched some tv show where a mother found her daughter’s bc pills in her dresser. So, being funny, my grandma mentioned the bc pills in my mom’s dresser. My mom thought my grandma had snooped and yelled at her for going through her stuff. I can just picture the look on my grandma’s face. :)

  11. I had a similar story with my dad, only I wasn’t the hungover one.

  12. I am glad to know that you are almost done being grounded, maybe you could ask her off for good behaviour, or time served?

    Heather @ Domestic Extraordinaires last blog post..My goals for May

  13. my mom says she never wants to hear about that stuff. ever. as a 41 year old woman, i am SOOOOOO tempted to tell her! it seems like a fun, torturous thing!

    mbs last blog post..my new favorite band

  14. Um, it’s kind of adorable that you worked at a pie shop.

    Jenns last blog post..Let It Bea.

  15. i am SOOO scared for the teenage years. i’m so afraid that i don’t possess all the mother superpowers i need to survive it!

    alis last blog post..top 5 PSAs are on the board…

  16. Kristin says:

    When I was 16 years old I was brought home (WAY drunk, vomiting, etc.) by a policeman who found me hanging out of my friend’s car window vomiting at 40 mph. My my threw my ass in the shower at 1am, and woke me up at 6am with a chore list a mile long–at the top of the list was mowing the lawn. Hangover from MadDog and Boone’s Fam + lawn mower sound = kick ass parenting

  17. Mothers are truly never appreciated as they should be. Great work on getting your mom a card!

    Jasons last blog post..Extreme – Air Trekkers + Free pad set

  18. Its stories like yours that make me feel so nice about the easy time I gave my mom. I never did any of that. I think she should get me gifts for being so good and non-drunk.

    Domestic Goddess (In Training)s last blog post..Reason Number 6

  19. I’m not worried about what I put my mom through, I was actually pretty tame. What I’m really worried about is what my husband put his mother through and the pain I’m going to have to sustain raising his children in about oh, 10-12 years…

    Nasty paybacks are no fun – especially when you don’t deserve them.

    DesignHER Mommas last blog post..I did not have cable until I remarried more than 7…

  20. great card thought!
    that would be hilarious.

    mpotters last blog post..should’ve named her whiny

  21. Bossy is learning this: What goes around, comes around — only this time she’s wearing a shorter skirt and knows all the lyrics to Hannah Montana.

  22. It’s poifect!

    As the stepmama to teens I’ve had that type of convo w/my mom many a time.

    WMs last blog post..The kind of Parents that I wanna kick in the junk

  23. I drank a few times to the point of no return…once was a Saturday night and I was playing for church the next morning. After stumbling from downtown to my room, puking every 5 minutes, and blacking out in Wendy’s (yeah, I’m THAT awesome), I had to wake up 4 hours later and drive 1 hour to play for a service.

    I had thoughts that they believed my “I have the flu”, but I KNOW I must’ve smelled like booze. Nothing like praising God after worshiping the porcelain version all night.

    PS – just wait until you have firm outings to attend! They get even snobbier and pretentious!

    And the moosh – Adorable!

    Kelleys last blog post..Not too cool for a meme :-)