I’m writing this on the 17th of May, a day before my period is scheduled to come and nineteen days after I ovulated (and made out appropriately.)

Which means for the past nineteen days I have interpreted any tiny fluctuation in my existence to mean I am either pregnant or not. For anyone who has ever longed to be pregnant you know exactly what I’m talking about. Suddenly everything you do with yourself from the day you ovulate could have bearing on the entire future health of your hypothetical fetus.

Feeling a little barfy? It’s because you’re pregnant, ignore the fact that you ate some seriously questionable chicken fingers chased by lukewarm fruit salad and a flat soda the night before. Commence eating nothing but Gatorade and Saltines.

Cookies and cream ice cream for dinner one night? You just ruined their chance at a Harvard education by dumbing them down with chunks of frozen chocolate cookie in your first trimester.

Forgot to take your pretatal Flinstone vitamin on Wednesday? Congratulations your pretend (or is it?) kid is now going to have a flipper.

Fell down the stairs?* Whoops, you just knocked the little imaginary embryo loose and you are completely out of luck, thanks for trying, come back again later when you’re a little more graceful.

I even convinced my husband to go out at almost midnight to procure me a Cherry Slushee because there’s a chance I could be pregnant and the violent vomiting could begin any! day! now! rendering the enjoyment of a Cherry Slushee null and void for the next nine months because they burn so bad on the way back up.**

Speaking of vomiting, with the way my last pregnancy turned out*** I seriously consider everything I put in my mouth, because it could be the first thing to come up. (Seriously, with the moosh? I felt fiiiine, then one day, I kinda had a tummy ache, I ate some Cheerios for breakfast at 8:31am MST and at 8:43 am MST on April 15, 2004 those suckers came rocketing back up in the last stall on the left at Beehive Clothing. Nothing stayed down for the next 35 weeks. The last thing I vomited up? Lime Slushee in the delivery room, I told that nurse I was scheduled to puke just after 10 am MST and to hurry up and give me the Zofran already, however she went with a ‘wait and see’ approach. Lime slushee puke? 10:08 am, Zofran administered? 10:12 am. THANKS NURSE.)

So here I sit in limbo. Wanting so badly to troll etsy for baby stuff that was never around when the moosh was a baby.  Ignoring the overwhelming desire to enter every online contest for onesies and burp cloths and bedding sets. Putting off buying one of those “I’M A BIG SISTER” t-shirts for another month**** because frankly there is a possibility that the moosh may never be a big sister.

My time would be better spent vacuuming than dreaming up ways to tell my husband, my daughter, my family and all of you magnificent witty ways to announce my pregnancy.

But that’s just the thing, it’s so all encompassing, it changes everything. If I were pregnant it would mean that spare bedroom in a new house would be a baby’s room, not an office. People constantly offer the well meaning advice of “Just don’t worry about it and it will happen.” or “You think about it too much, just relax.” and then there’s my favorite, “I had this friend who gave up years ago and went out and adopted twins and a month later she found out that she was pregnant with triplets! Can you imagine!!!!1!!”

I have to remember when it comes to magnificent stories of conception they are all the exception. For every woman out there who miraculously becomes pregnant after a dozen years trying or after coming back from cancer or after going through a heart wrenching adoption, there are a dozen more of us out there who are the rule.

Those of us who pee on sticks every month to a single line or a blinking display of “NOT PREGNANT.” Those of us who will never become stories of “miraculous pregnancies.” Those of us destined to be ordinary infertile people that most of the pregnant world will feel awkward and uncomfortable around.

To those of you who are the exceptions? You’re welcome, because without people like me your stories would never be considered miracles.*****

_______________________________________

*I actually haven’t fell down a flight of stairs for almost a year. Yay me!

**Personal experience.

***For those of you who are new here I basically barfed myself into emaciation while pregnant from a soul sucking condition known as Hyperemesis Gravidarum.

****Honestly? I’ve been putting off this purchase every month for the last three years.

*****And that? Just sounded a lot more snarky than I intended. Maybe that’s why infertiles make fertiles feel so awkward?

Comments

  1. To all the people who are telling you adoption stories…STOP! I’m 30, have been married since 22, and I’ve never been able to maintain a pregnancy past 15 weeks. I am now mom to 4 (soon to be 5) wonderful adopted children. But, it has to be right for you. It’s no cakewalk either. You have birthparents, agencies, lawyers and your child’s questions to deal with FOR.EVER. If you’re hearts not TOTALLY into it, if it isn’t what you REALLY want to do, then your adoption seems like Option #2. No child should feel like that. So for you Casey, even though adoption has been AWESOME for us, I really hope you get that bun in the oven. And if, God forbid, you don’t and He leads you down the adoption path, we’re all here with all kinds of advice.

    Good luck!

    Beckys last blog post..Pulling Up

  2. xox

  3. It sucks. That’s the best thing I can say. I had an ectopic pregnancy before we got pregnant with Littlebit and that year of trying to get pregnant with her was literally the worst year of my life. I can’t imagine how hard it is to struggle with those feelings and panic over multiple years. I think I would seriously have been in the nut house.

    Jamies last blog post..Menu plan monday

  4. First, *baby vibes & babydust* to you.

    Second, BTDT. We were TTC for over 2 years with our second. (Birth control forever messed up my cycles, I swear!) Seriously. I went through similar for 17 (yeah, SEVENTEEN) cycles of various lengths.

    Third, I actually was the exception because after said 17 cycles of torture doing everything possible to procure those 2 pink lines, we decided to take a break because we had some major plans for the summer like traveling, my sister getting married (me=MOH) out of state, family reunions on both sides of the family, etc. And what do you know but that ONE cycle that I didn’t temp, didn’t BD on the *right* days, didn’t test a million times, etc. the day that we were leaving on a road trip from Oregon to Alberta for another family wedding, I thought, hmm, it’s been awhile since I had a period, maybe I should look into this, oh look, I think I’m late, I should test, WOOOOOAAAH!!! is that 2 pink lines?????!!!!! And it was. Just like that.

    Fourth, I don’t think you made me an exception. I think the reason ppl tell stories like that is because they so want to give hope to ppl who are still TTC. It *could* happen. To you. It happened to me. Who’s to say you can’t be an exception, too.

    Fifth, to end this on a funny note, I like to remember something I saw on my charting site. Someone posted a picture of a billboard that said, “From all the women of the world who are TTC, DON’T TELL US TO JUST RELAX!” =o)

  5. If I had read this post yesterday, I totally would’ve found a way to FIND YOU just to give you a hug (I was in Indy visiting friends in Meridian Kessler area). Girl, I think you are coping incredibly well…keep sharing all of the emotions. In return, I’ll keep hoping and praying for you.

  6. I am so glad that you share your story. Your words are beautiful!

    Stefanies last blog post..Tailored

  7. Casey, I read something the other day and I really liked it. Instead of saying “infertile”, we are “subfertile”. Sounds a little nicer, right? ;) I’ll be praying for you!!

  8. I am so there with you. I’ve been undergoing fertility treatments and today is my 8th dpo. It’s hard to hold onto the hope that this could be the month, but who knows?

    Hopefully we’ll both have some good news soon!

    Megans last blog post..Travelling with a Toddler.

  9. I’m praying for you to get those two lines! Good luck, dear.

    And I hear you on the vomit and the planning of the food. I was the exact same way, to the point that towards the end of the pregnancy, even with Zofran (which I took religiously daily so I would be able to eat anything) I was still nauseas. And I couldn’t drink plain water or I would projectile vomit, even with the Zofran. Now I know if I vomit after drinking water, I’m pregnant….

    Mrs Soups last blog post..The Grand Ole Opera

  10. It seems odd to hope for this… but I hope to hear many puke details in the next 9 months!!! Good luck!

    Domestic Goddess (In Training)s last blog post..The Bloggerati

  11. Just wanted to let you know that I have been reading through your archives and am finally caught up. I’ve enjoyed reading and am always a little sad when I catch up because then I can’t just read a bunch of posts at a time, anytime. Now I have to wait for the next one like everyone else :) Love your writing style and am thinking good happy baby thoughts for you and Cody.

    Toris last blog post..-insert celebratory dance here-

  12. I racked up $18,5hundred and some odd dollars in zofran & home health care bills last year. I’m really hoping this time next year you are posting a scathing letter to your provider about WHYONEARTH does Zofran need to cost that much.

    I am an exception to your rule and I feel guilty, but blessed, but wish I could rub my luck onto you & the other girls who are still in the infertility boat. If I could share I would.

    Bellamommas last blog post..Would I do it all again? aka: Infertility SUCKS.

  13. Kristin says:

    Oh, yes. I’m so with you. TTC right now, and just found out I didn’t this month. But don’t think I didn’t attribute every muscle twitch to a new pregnancy all month. And don’t think I didn’t actually walk around with my hand on my (sorta flat) stomach all month like pg women do. And don’t think I didn’t take ANOTHER pg test when the first one didn’t say what I wanted it to.
    Oh well.
    At least I can drink again for another few weeks.
    good luck to both of us.

  14. Prayers from me would be useless. We both know this.

    So, I will have a good thought for you three.

    SciFi Dads last blog post..Neglectimommy Volume 2

  15. I had ever told you that I love you? Well, I’m in the same boat right now. To the point that I was supposed to start my period today! And I had sex when/after/before I ovulated this cycle. I’ve been trying for a while, and no baby. Hoping I’m either pregnant or my period will start tomorrow. Otherwise it’s just a cruel joke.

    Good luck to you!!

    Mommy Daisys last blog post..Catch Up

  16. Gah. I so get all of that. I spent years living that way – 2 weeks of every month I struggled with whether or not I should order that beer with dinner, or buy that baby item that was on clearance, etc, etc, etc. Sorry you are struggling with it and I’m sending you good thoughts!

    (P.S. I am one of those miracle stories – I got knocked up 5 months after my adopted daughter came home. But I still HATE when anyone nods knowingly and says it always happens. I even had doctors try and feed me that crap. It doesn’t always happen – if it did, it wouldn’t be worth talking about.)

    Michelle Smiless last blog post..My Inner Martha Isn’t Happy

  17. Every month, I wait and hope. I had made a pact to not buy anymore pregnancy tests until I was at least a week late, but it doesn’t happen. I’ve spent a lot of money on those stupid sticks. Waiting those two long weeks every month almost kills me. Well, here’s to hoping…for us both!

    Lindsays last blog post..Surprising Effects of Not Being Allowed to Buy Beer

  18. anon for this says:

    I can so feel your pain. While I’m not quite as deep in the trenches as you I am feeling the same thing. For #1 we got prego on the very first try. Then right when our “perfect timing” for #2 hit I was waiting for gallbladder surgery so we stopped trying…I got prego anyway but that ended in a miscarriage. Now, 7 months later we are tracking and trying and I’m peeing on sticks at random because my boobs hurt!!! I must be with child! only to have the big fat NO/FAIL appear in the window. Then my period gets all sneeky and is 2 days late and I go through to more pee-sticks only to have it finally show up today. Ugh.

  19. I totally needed to hear this.. i just found out my sister is preggo and I’m waiting to ovulate :)

    Thanks for making me feel like I belong somewhere

  20. I soooo feel this post Casey.

    I was an exception once and I fear I am now destined to be a rule.

    So stinking hard.

    Don Mills Divas last blog post..How Martha and Quentin messed up the world

  21. Love you, and waiting with baited breath and prayers that you are knocked up!

    Kimmies last blog post..Opposition

  22. Dear God,

    Please make Casey pregnant.

    That is all.

    Thank you.

    Love,
    me

    ;)

    WMs last blog post..With a little bit of salt, this foot might taste a right bit of good

  23. i think it’s ok to deal with it however you need to. i have friends who have been dealing with infertility for years, friends who dealt with it for years then got pregnant, and friends who think about getting pregnant and do. i think we need to all be aware that there are all types of people out there. treating others with grace and respect no matter how they handle their frustrations is the only way to do it.

    big hope for you. for all good things.

    natalies last blog post..sustenance

  24. I don’t know if it will happen or not, but I’ll surely keep my fingers crossed for you. And that’s a big deal! You OBVIOUSLY don’t know the power that my crossed fingers possess. Rueben Studdard won American Idol because I crossed my fingers. My baby was born with all his fingers because I crossed mine. He is currently taking a quiet nap because I crossed my fingers.

    I’ll cross my fingers for you in the hopes that I can say “YOU’RE WELCOME” soon.

    Joe @ Irrational Dads last blog post..Wordless Wednesday v. Bubbles

  25. I’ve erased and rewritten this comment 8 times because I know there’s no “right” thing to say. I’m sorry for the pain that comes with waiting and hopeful for good news.

    susies last blog post..Room for Argument

  26. If you look at my STATS, I am a rabbit, but honestly, I have been in your shoes, just not as long. After our first, I wanted a second right away. We started trying after she was 3 months old. Month after month we didn’t get pregnant. I had seen a doctor who told me all looked good but if I didn’t get pregnant in the next couple months he would write me a script for Clomid. I ended up with the script and held it close. It felt like I got a ticket to the carnival. I was antsy to start. My husband asked that I wait. He was not sure about the possibility of multiples.

    I held off and waited. I decided that I would wait a few more months because I didn’t want to get pregnant in a certain month for fear of having kids with the same birthday. Guess what happened. Yes, I got pregnant that one month I didn’t want to. Yes, my kids have very close birthdays and yes, 3 months after I had him I got pregnant with my 3rd. She was a total surprise. We were not trying.

    I liked what you wrote. I felt it. I hate when people call me a rabbit. It was very difficult in the months before I got pregnant with my second. I will never forget how difficult it was. It makes me want to smack those people upside the head. The ones who call me fertile myrtle.

    I hope you get your BFP soon. You deserve it. Who would have thought you would want to be sick for 35 weeks? The things us moms go through for the joys kids bring.

    Keeping you and your journey in my prayers.

    Saras last blog post..Las Vegas

  27. Your posts hit the nail on the head for so many people. This one’s a huge issue. Whenever we’re trying I interpret EVERYTHING to mean I’m pregnant too. It’s impossible not to, right?

    Amber Warrens last blog post..Making a Box Garden

  28. I fell two days ago on the same two steps outside my kitchen door that I fall down every single summer. It’s tradition.

    May the barfing begin any day now, Casey. xo

    Assertagirls last blog post..13 weeks.

  29. Moosh,

    Our bloggy is privatey so only my friends and family can read it. If you send me your email I will add you on. I wanted to include your post about faith on my blog since no one can seem to understand what my sis and I have been going thru for the last ten years. We were lucky and out of the both of us – SHE – had a baby after paying up the wazoo for fertility treatments. I paid for them too, but nothing… Anyway would it be OK if I put it on my blog? I would credit it to you of course. Let me know!

  30. I meant the i am the pregnancy rule post.. sorry!

  31. Well said. Not snarky at all. 33 months and thousands to conceive my daughter. 22w 3days of nonstop puking (not nearly as bad as your HG)and the most popular line I hear now is,”when are you going to have another baby?” uhhh gee let me see when I win the lottery for the second time or maybe when pigs fly out my arse. I would love to have another child but infertility almost killed me and my marriage. The two week wait still gets to me even though we are not “trying”. Not sure where I was going with this other than to say, let it out sister, we are here for you.

    Duchesss last blog post..Behaving like a hussy can lead to property loss.

  32. i’m sorry that this is so hard for you. from the bottom of my heart.

    melissas last blog post..Shed Part Two: Moving On

  33. I’m going through the same thing right now. Its sucks. I hope it works out for you soon!

  34. Yeah, we have two of those “I’m a big brother” shirts. One bought in November, the other in February (that one with good reason) and now he’s going to outgrow them both before we make it happen. Sucks.

    Kristas last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Bath Crayons

  35. hoping you get your miracle. praying for you.

    literally.

    mrs. rs last blog post..guest blogger: michelle

  36. Oh, yes, the waiting and hoping and interpreting? Been going on in my head for several months now. It is making me CRAZY.

    beckys last blog post..Behind blue eyes

  37. Unfortunately I know exactly how you feel. I’ve gotten all of those well meant questions and advice. I think the one I hate the most is when they ask “Why?” or “have you tried this doctor?”. Yes I’ve tried all those doctors and finding out why costs thousands of dollars. The doctors just try to guess and each test can cost hundreds of dollars. Then they say “well that’s not it, let’s try this test”(for $700). No thanks to insurance companies for refusing to cover infertility. Anyway, sorry to go off on a rant but best of luck to you. :)