I have to hurry up and write this while I’m coherent and sane.

Had I sat down and written this four hours ago when I originally intended to you would all be cocking your heads doing the “AWW.” thing offering to send me puppies and rubbing your rosaries for me and my poor tortured spirit.

You see, four hours ago I was making spaghetti while bawling my eyes out because my friend had asked me what I was wearing. (Truth be told that I was wearing the same thing for 24 hours straight and I smelled like an armpit. This in and of itself was utterly and completely depressing.)

The best way I can describe the feelings I have on Lupron?

It’s like watching one of those slow motion crash test videos and Crazy Lupron Red (that’s what we call her around these parts) is behind the wheel and Normal Not Lupron Red is screaming at Crazy Lupron Red (phone call, hold please.)

(Gramma Flower just called and sent me back into spaghetti bawling hysterics because she got a puppy. OH HOW I WISH I WERE KIDDING.)

Okay. Back to the Crazy Lupron Red crash analogy. Only this time Crazy Lupron Red will be telling a little more of the story.

Crazy Lupron Red is headed for a gigantic very painful crash in very slow motion. The logical part of my brain (Normal Not Lupron Red (another aside, Cody calls me Red.)) has been forced to sit in a soundproof booth and just watch Crazy Lupron Red descend into madness. No matter how much Normal Not Lupron Red screams and yells at Crazy Lupron Red that “this will all end and it’s only temporary and THIS ISN’T REALLY YOU!” Crazy Lupron Red cannot hear Normal Not Lupron Reds logic.

I dialed the first 10 digits of a lot of phone numbers today. I could never bring myself to hit that last number though.

I so desperately wanted to talk to someone but couldn’t bring myself to burden some poor unsuspecting soul with my blabberings. This isn’t me. No need to spread the crazy farther than my front door step.

And here is where my friends are reading this going “YOU BIG DUMMY, YOU COULD HAVE CALLED ME.” I know I could have called you. But I have really good reasons for not calling you all snotty and hiccupy. I didn’t call you because you live in Canada and that’s expensive. I didn’t call you because you’re in the middle of moving and hardly have time for the blatherings of a menopausal 27 year old. I didn’t call you because YOU JUST HAD A BABY and the last thing you need is *this right here*. I didn’t call you because frankly we’re not big phone talkers, I didn’t call you because you’re a boy and as much as you’d like to think of yourself as a girl YOU’RE A BOY. And lastly I didn’t call you because even though we have hung out in a hotel room I still don’t feel like I’m to that point where I can call in the middle of the day bawling into my marinara and not worry about what you’re really thinking about me.

Ten years ago the lowest point of my life was when I was in a pit of depression and I realized I had NO ONE to call and talk to.

Today? I had so many people I could call that I couldn’t even be bothered to make a decision.

I need to watch what I say. I feel as though I am very full of venom and a little too unpredictable. I am going to be completely selfish for awhile. Not only for my own benefit, but so Crazy Lupron Red doesn’t take down some nice people while on her warpath to an endometriosis free life.

I am quite certain I will not be “me” for the next few months. So take this as your warning.

When I break down for no apparent reason in the middle of the grocery store over a particular shade of orange melamine?

It’s the Lupron talking.

Comments

  1. ((hugs)) and continued prayers

    While normal red is watching crazy red crash in slow motion, make sure she knows there are many out there praying for them both.

  2. Lupron or not, you can always call me. Fo realz.

  3. Glad you have an outlet for when you just don’t feel like talking…even when we want to hear from you despite everything.

  4. We won’t blame you for anything you say or do, we’ll hold that Crazy Lupron chick responsible. *hugs*

  5. Crazy or not thanks for keeping it reals, yo.

    You’re awesome. And beautiful. And have rockin’ style.

    Love your blog like CRAZYcakes!

    Casey Reply:

    @Stefanie, Cake, yes please. Send cake. Even if it is crazy cake.

  6. Am ducking as I say this–this is why my endo docs were slightly reluctant to give it to me. It can be ok for some women, but not all. Some women like me get umm, moody, shall we say?

    So, I’m going to ask if they gave you any add back estrogen to go with it. That’s the standard up here. Not sure about where you are? It doesn’t negate the beneficial lupron treatment for endo, but it can ease the sharp edges.

    Also, antidepressants? If you’re already on them, how about more? higher dose? The one time I had lupron, it was mandatory in my case and it helped a bit, and didn’t help enough, but hell, it just might for you.

    And for the hot flashes, when they come ask about low dose beta blockers.

    And if you need to yell scream or cry? I will listen. Take care ho, and please call your Doctor, because you should not have to suffer.

    Casey Reply:

    @Aurelia, MOODY? WHO THE HECK ARE YOU CALLING MOODY? HUH? PUNK!?
    *ahem*
    Yes. Add back.
    Yes. On drugs. Can’t go any higher on the dose though.
    Thanks for all the suggestions ho.

  7. Memphislis says:

    You can call or email me anytime. I have pcos and I like crazy. I even handle snot bubble crying pretty well.

  8. Oh my, I meant to write hon, and I write ho instead. Hideously embarassed here.

  9. I am a boy, it’s true. That doesn’t mean I can’t pretend well, just for you.

    Casey Reply:

    @Avitable, Sadly, crazy or not my imagination is NOT THAT GOOD.

  10. Oh sweetie!! You’ll pull through and look back on this time and laugh.

    You’ve got a lot of people who love you :)

  11. sending love and support!

  12. Highly, highly suggest getting the add-back hormones. They work like a charm – ESPECIALLY on the temperature control which was my worst part of my Lupron therapy. Nothing made me burst into tears more than being sopping sweaty wet after showering and getting ready for the day.

    Casey Reply:

    @Rhi, Took two cold showers today and I didn’t even get any action.

  13. Phone numbers ARE ten digits long, silly!

    Casey Reply:

    @Elyay, NUH UH! There’s the country code! ELEVEN! HA!

  14. You can send me outrageous text messages or skype me anytime.
    my skype is shamelesslysassy.

    Casey Reply:

    @Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy, My skype is crazylupronred.
    (okay so at least I’m kidding about that.)

  15. Still laughing at @Aurelia’s mis-type (“ho” instead of “hon” is a good one.)

    I happen to like your particular brand of (Lupron induced) crazy. I’m glad you are able to say to yourself, “This is the Lupron” so that hopefully you can not feel AS crazy.

  16. awww, good luck. I hope it evens out soon for you.

  17. Lots and lots of hugs. I’ve been where you are (due to entirely different drugs) so just lots of hugs.

  18. HoosierMommy says:

    saying some prayers for ya!

  19. Hoping you feel better soon, and that your body stays yours.

  20. “Today? I had so many people I could call that I couldn’t even be bothered to make a decision.”

    I have that feeling often. It sucks to have so many people who love you so dearly, huh? (Who would have EVER thought that’d be a problem!?!)

  21. Casey-

    It’s okay to not feel like yourself. It’s not okay to punish yourself for it.

    I know we’re not friends in a conventional way, but I do my best venting and freaking out over email. If you ever need someone removed from your life and normal friends that you want to email me, I’m easy to reach and happy to listen.

    I haven’t felt like myself in a year now. It’s been a year since my headaches returned and I have the opposite problem- I have no friends who I think will want to listen or understand. I don’t want someone to tell me that they’re sorry all the time, but rather, I need someone to listen and commiserate. Not pity.

    But instead, I blog about it. And bore several hundred people a day and then apologize for it.

    You’re not alone. Ever. Reach out when you can/need to.

  22. Does it help to share (and you are the ONLY one outside of my immediate family to know this today) that I have worn the same clothes for the past 24 hours as well? Hugs to you.

  23. Is it weird that I totally get everything you said, and I am not on any meds? Maybe I should be…..

    Anyway, hope your rollercoaster ride ends soon. Sending big HUGS.

  24. Admitting you’re emotionally unbalanced is the first step towards being more normal, like a man.

  25. Kristen McD says:

    All I can wish you is the very best of luck. I’m sorry this path is so miserable.

  26. glad we talked yesterday. Don’t worry about calling me – I’ll call you.

  27. Not joking you are the 4th post BlogHer attendee that I have read who this is happening to right now. I am seeing a pattern…
    Though you are the most honest so you rock.

  28. Thank you for being so honest. I have had so many of those same thoughts and feelings (although it’s thanks to a little fertility drug other than Lupron) but am too ashamed to call anyone and tell them.

    Praying for you!

  29. Oh Casey- your reasons make so much sense.

    I know you’ve told us before, but what’s your favorite sandwich again? Lately mine is a veggie and do you have Blimpie by you? Haven’t had that in years.

    :)

    Steph

  30. That was a fantastic explanation of the crazy — I love how well you articulate things. And I love the commenter that called you ho instead of hon. I was reading that, and I was like, huh these two must have some rapport going…

  31. that’s u on lupron? oh mate…that’s just me on a normal day.
    Goodness help the world when I get some pills into me.
    u can call me – i’m sure there are cheap call rates to Sydney…though I wonder if u’d understand what the heck I was saying with my accent. lol

  32. Lisa in TX says:

    That was me when I was on progesterone, last year. It accentuated the wost parts of my bi-polar symptoms and turned me into a screaming b****y wreck. It’s horrible to feel like a passenger in your own mind, knowing you’re not going somewhere nice and unable to take control. Hugs to you, Casey.

  33. Lisa in TX says:

    P.S. the picture of you and the Moosh grinning like idiots–ADORABLE! Same smile, same curls, same eyes… And so dang lovely, the both of you.

  34. ohhh. You can call anyone and you will *not* be “spreading the crazy.” My heart goes out to you…like it’s aching right now and I don’t even know you. I have dealt with the depression crapola and your description of your sane self locked in a sound-proof box was right on.

    Hang in there!

  35. OMG. This was me on depo. And me pregnant. And me on hormones. At all. Ever.

    There’s SANE GRACE in the background going OMG DON’T SAY THAT YOU’RE ACTING LIKE A CRAZY PERSON, yet powerless to stop the crazy.

  36. Oh Sweetie, I have no Lupron excuse and I’m exactly how you feel. I am crying constantly. I have a case of the mean reds and DO.NOT.LIKE.

    I send you a big hug.

  37. Hugs, Casey.

  38. Perhaps you need a Flying Cupcake delivery of some sort. Let me know.

  39. {hugs}

    yep. you could have.
    but you know that.

  40. I understand Casey. I’ve cried till I puked because someone hit a mailbox. It wasn’t even my mailbox, or anyone I knew. I’ve cried so hard over a lost contact like it was my greatest love. I know the injectable crazy.

  41. You mean it’s not *normal* to wear the same clothes for multiple days in a row?!

    ((((hugs)))

    So sorry you’re dealing with this. It will get better!

  42. Well, you could have easily called ME! I could never hate you no matter what you say to me because we’re family! I’ll love you through all your crazies and mean lupron red! Hang in there! Can I send you anything?

  43. So sorry you’re going through this!!

  44. Hi. My name is Lou. Is there anything I can do to help?

    Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba) Reply:

    @lceel,

    LOU! :)

  45. You pretty much only know me through emails, but I don’t have kids, nor am I pregnant, so if you ever need an almost stranger to vent to, I’d be happy to listen.

    I am glad you’re able to recognize that you’re not alone.

  46. First of all, thanks for the visit to my site – an honour to have you come by.

    Best of luck with the Lupron. These drugs that mess around with hormonal balance can really screw with your head (and the rest of you for that matter). I think the good news is that things tend to settle down over time, or at least you get used to it. Probably the latter. All the best.

  47. I’m praying for you!

  48. You could call me. I know you don’t know me in For Reals. But you could call me. I promise squishy hugs, and a box of kleenex, and cuddles for the Moosh.

  49. oh dear. that sounds rough! I am glad that you blogged about it so that you can look back and … maybe laugh? It stinks to go through it, that’s for sure. Thanks for sharing your experiences so candidly!

  50. I think that having a ton of people who would listen to you bawl is a sign that you are loved. However, I am with you, some days the effort of it, isn’t worth it.

    Hope the hormones even out a bit soon.

    I am trying so hard not to be too nice. Wouldn’t want to start the tears again. Should I call you something mean? I won’t cuss on your blog…but how about….eh, never mind.