hiding.

here but not there, hiding.

I am not doing well.

Sorry you have to watch this.

But thank you for being here.

my type a truth.

It’s Saturday morning and I’m desperate to find any excuse to stay in my hotel room. I don’t want to go out there. I don’t feel like laughing and smiling and talking and hugging. I feel like sleeping. But naturally I can’t sleep. Maybe some crying. But I get so puffy when I cry. I need to go out there. It’s ridiculous not to. So many people wish they were here, I can’t do them the injustice by hiding in my room all day licking my newly opened wounds.

I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. If you read this and see me today just give me a knowing smile, flash me some sort of gang sign to let me know you know my secret. A year ago I was the girl telling people at conferences that if they “aren’t having fun it’s their own damn fault.” I guess it’s not that easy. I can’t go out and hide in a corner because you all know me too well. It’s easy to hide depression and anxiety behind witty tweets and pretty pictures. It’s not easy to hide it when I’m standing right in front of you looking wrecked and distraught.

I have never been more thankful that I have my camera to hide behind for the next 24 hours because I didn’t bring the right drugs to hide behind this time.

Type A Mom Conference-50

things i’ve learned while buying our first house.

  • I’ve learned it takes a special kind of man to be an exterminator.
  • I’ve learned that sending fecal matter to a certain CEO of a certain bank is very illegal.
  • I’ve learned that I am exactly the type of person who needs to be married to a lawyer so that I don’t end up actually sending fecal matter to a certain CEO.
  • People do disgusting things to their carpet.
  • By writing a very honest email to everyone dragging their feet about getting us into our house our closing date has been changed from a big fat question mark to next Wednesday. (hopefully!)

And while this doesn’t exactly have anything to do with my house…Emily and I both found this horribly amusing when we were out with our girls yesterday.

Mr. Bear Showing the Unicorn How It's Done in BouncyTown.

Yes we’re 12. Shut up. You think it’s funny too.

an open letter to the people who stand between my house and me.

To: Giant Bank Handling our Home Loan.

From: Me.

RE: You really kind of stink at doing your job.

September 22, 2009

*********

Hello everyone involved in our nightmare!

I’m sure my husband will not condone this email but I have to write it.

If Giant Bank Inc. wants my honest feedback? I’m ready to give my honest feedback.

Giant Bank Inc. has had WEEKS to do their job.

Mr. R told me ON THE PHONE that signatures were NOT required from my father-in-law on the initial paperwork, which despite many phone calls to Ms. T,  we have still not received updated numbers to what our loan will actually be.

And now the title company is ready to say “whoops you took too long to take care of your loan so thanks for the thousands of dollars congratulations you get nothing?

I’m sorry, I have been patient and polite long enough but I am through.

How is it that we received the appraisal (delivered to Indiana) from Mr. R before Ms. K had it?

Mr. R and Ms. K are in the same state if not the same building?

Ms. T, you told me that Ms. K was just starting our file on September 11th when you were in Texas yourself but according to Ms. K she didn’t even have the appraisal at the time.

We started this process back in May. We have given you everything you have asked for when you have asked for it.

Between incorrect fax numbers, vacations, deaths of family members,  incorrect information on who needed to sign what where and when plus the fact that we don’t even have accurate preliminary loan papers and everyone has used up every excuse possible?

I am fed up.

Just please do your job and get us our house.  Please? I’m sure if it were your daughter or sister or grandchild buying their first house you would care a lot more than you have cared for us.

We just want our house.

Please.

-Casey Mullins

naps.

Amy had me at smoosh. Her definition?

“A ‘smoosh’ is one of those naps during which you ‘smoosh’ your face into your pillow, and you wake up with lines all over your face from the pillowcase.”

I’m good at a lot of things. Naps being one of them.

Place me in a moving vehicle for longer than an hour? Zzzz….

Put me horizontal on a soft surface? *drool*

In fact, as I laid in bed the other morning I considered writing a strongly worded letter to my bed. In all it’s dual coil pillow top memory foam body pillow 600 thread count glory.

My stupid bed is so insanely comfortable it causes troubles.

I love to sleep in it.

It’s sooo comfy.

SLOTH! SIN! LAAAAZY.

And remember all the pillows involved with the sleeping we do in the house of moosh?

the house of moosh could easily become the house of slovenly smooshes.

Clean sheets, a soft blanket, a cool pillow, sunshine and a quiet house.

Where have you been for the last week?

The recipe for the perfect moosh smoosh.

You?

yummie muffin obliterators.

So I tried out a Yummie Tummie or two while I was in Chicago. I was not instantly sold. However after some messing around and modifying…I think I will always have a Yummie Tummie in my wardrobe. That is until I have rock hard abs. *pfft.* See why here. (Yes. With pictures that you can use to judge me with. You’re welcome.)

where I’ve been with what I’ve done.

When I look over the last year I am in awe of what I have had the opportunity to do. I could never say that one was better than the other because everything has been so amazing in its own way.

My mom did a fantastic job of getting my sister and me to every major landmark west of Mt. Rushmore, however, it wasn’t until after I was married that I finally made it to the East coast. Even then I only made it to upstate New York (Whattup Rochester and Buffalo!?)

It wasn’t until I moved to Indiana that I started checking more and more of the 50 states off my list. I’ve been considering a 40 x 40 list and I think one of the first things I’ll put on my list will be to hit all 50 states by the time I’m 40. (Truthfully 50 x 50 sounds better for such a challenge but then it’s not really a challenge right? Okay, so if I really wanted a challenge it would be 50 x 30. But unless an travel company wants to suddenly sponsor my ambition it’s not going to happen. (Dear travel related companies, I am not opposed to this possibility in any way. Just so you know. (I take pictures!))) So anyway, all 50 states x 40 years old is the goal.

Last July I got to take my best friend to San Francisco, introduce her to my other friends and go to the Golden Gate Bridge with her.

LOOOVE

Never trust and amateur with your SLR

Last October I went to Disneyworld with my mom, stepdad, sister, husband and little kid. We spent the whole week smiling with our spleens. If I could relive one week in my life over again? It would be this week. I get a little teary when I think about it. Happiest place on Earth? THEY AREN’T LYING PEOPLE. Cody and I would rather go back to Disneyworld than anywhere else we can think of.

Epcot

In November I got to go to LA to spend time with Heather, Mel, Meghan, my cousin, my grandparents and my mom taking pictures of sunsets. (It was also the first time the moosh had ever seen the ocean. Although I had to force her to touch it.)

In December I got to be home. In Utah. With my family and many many burritos. Crap I love a good burrito.

February took me to Nashville where I got to dance on a bar with some of my most favorite ladies who live all over the country.

February also took me to NYC to meet Vivienne Tam and be a part of HP’s launch of the first ever designer notebook. (Have you seen the new HP mini Vivienne Tam designed? Buttery Yellow/Golden? With butterflies? I want to spread it on my toast and lick it.)

Vivienne Tam and Me

In March I went and hung out with tiny gramma and my sister in New Mexico. New Mexico is kind of strange. Sorry New Mexico, but you’re just kind of weird. We still had a good time though.

most kids start with fisher price.

April landed me in Kansas City to tour Hallmark World Headquarters. Which is basically like touring heaven. When I grow up? I want to work in Hallmark Heaven. And when I die? I hope Heaven is just like Hallmark.

April also landed me in LA again, this time for something tragic but the opportunity to see people come together to help in any capacity they could was breathtaking.

Maddie Spohr's Balloon Release.

In July was Chicago. Chicago=Camaro. I still love burritos more, only because they are more accessible than Camaros, but WHOO I do love a Camaro. (And Fords. Turns out Fords are kind of awesome these days.)

Ford Prom Queen (@scottmonty is my presenter)

The past two days have been spent in NYC for a Project Runway party where I totally got my photo with Malvin. (I know I wanted to be all awkward in it, but he’s just so charming. And adorable. And awkward. I was too happy to be there that I couldn’t be awkward. Just happy.)

I got my Malvin photo!

Next week I head to North Carolina for the Type-A Mom conference. Where I’m going to take so many pictures along side this guy and this girl that my head may explode.

In October I get to go back home (Utah) again. For the moosh to spend Halloween with her granny and grampa. She could not be more excited. She’s going as my parents dog, Katie, who the moosh adored, seriously, they were best friends. Katie was old, diabetic and blind, but she taught the moosh more about compassion than any other living thing she’s come in contact with. Katie passed away not too long ago and when I broke the news to her she was absolutely destroyed, she sobbed for a few days straight and she still prays for Katie every night.

lauging puppy

While I’m in Utah in October I’ll actually get to go to Chicago again for two days for another thing I have coming up. AND OH MY GOSH I’M EXCITED ABOUT IT. (Soon! I’ll tell you sooo soon!)

A woman I met earlier in the year said that luck is for people who don’t believe in God.

I totally believe in God.

But I still believe I am one lucky ______ (fill in the blank with whatever you want.)

I have a really, really, REALLY good life, even without the amazing experiences of the past year.

Blessed, lucky, fortunate, horseshoe up my bum, spoiled…whatever…I’m thankful for all of it.

(Just to assure you I’m human, I have to mention that the wet shower curtain blew in and touched me while I was showering in my fancy New York hotel (EarnestGirl calls this being shower slimed) and I smelled like New York because I insisted on riding the whole way to the airport with the window down. Also, I didn’t get to see Aunt Nettie or Metalia. I’m pretty bummed about that. But that’s where the woe is me ends. Slime and smell. Seriously.)

project awkward photo with malvin on the runway.

awkward prom photo.

This is my darling Jessie and me.

Doing an awkward prom photo pose.

I wore this outfit to BowlHer ’09.

I won a trip with this outfit to go to a Project Runway party in NYC that takes place this Thursday.

I hope I get to meet Malvin and have a really awkward conversation about how words haven’t even been invented for how amazing I am. And then we can stare blankly at each other and discuss how the fibers of the universe can come together to enrobe us in the feelings of life.

Awkward photo with Malvin Vien.

One more thing to check off my life list.

*fingers crossed*