It’s Saturday morning and I’m desperate to find any excuse to stay in my hotel room. I don’t want to go out there. I don’t feel like laughing and smiling and talking and hugging. I feel like sleeping. But naturally I can’t sleep. Maybe some crying. But I get so puffy when I cry. I need to go out there. It’s ridiculous not to. So many people wish they were here, I can’t do them the injustice by hiding in my room all day licking my newly opened wounds.

I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. If you read this and see me today just give me a knowing smile, flash me some sort of gang sign to let me know you know my secret. A year ago I was the girl telling people at conferences that if they “aren’t having fun it’s their own damn fault.” I guess it’s not that easy. I can’t go out and hide in a corner because you all know me too well. It’s easy to hide depression and anxiety behind witty tweets and pretty pictures. It’s not easy to hide it when I’m standing right in front of you looking wrecked and distraught.

I have never been more thankful that I have my camera to hide behind for the next 24 hours because I didn’t bring the right drugs to hide behind this time.

Type A Mom Conference-50

Comments

  1. I’m not there. So no gang sign from me. But I am sending you a prayer.
    Praying that you receive peace and comfort.
    Because there’s nothing harder than putting on a happy face. Especially when everyone around seems genuinely happy.
    Ugh. Damn happy faces.

  2. I’m not there, but if I were, there would be a hug, a gang sign, and a baked good waiting for ya.

    Erin Reply:

    @Erin, The baked good b/c …. well, carbs fix everything, don’t they? That’s perhaps a bit simplistic, but I always feel a little better after baked goods. Always.

  3. ((HUGS)) I know the feelings all too well. <3

  4. ahem…you know that speech you gave last year? The one that NO ONE listened to and it made NO ONE get up off her ass and go to the Macy’s party? Yeah that one. Well, NO ONE loves you dearly for it and hopes you find a little glimmer of light to help you through your day. And yeah, NO ONE wishes she was there with you right now to give you a big fat hug.

  5. Wish I could run interference for you. I would be totally willing to embarrass myself in front of others to make you laugh and distract others. Like leave food on my face or run into chairs and knock them over. Miss you.

  6. I’m not there either, but if I was, I’d give you a hug. And let you poke through my hair.

    It’s okay to not be perfect. No one is, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You be who you are, for better or for worse and you’ll never be wrong.

    We like you for you, witty or puffy.

  7. I’m sorry you are down. Love you.

  8. I’m saying a little prayer for you. I’ve had those days…

  9. Sorry you’re having a tough time. Hope my lame-ass gang sign helped. ;-)

  10. I’m not there or I would totally flash you the Westside sign. Westsiiiiiiiiiide.

  11. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time sugar.

    <3

  12. I don’t know any gang signs, but I has hugs. *hugs*

  13. God bless you. I’m sitting here thinking about Blissdom… specifically if I want to go. I just can’t decide. Conferences are great. But they can also be hard.

  14. Throwing gang signs for you in Indy.

  15. Oh girl…I hear you. Sometimes behind the camera is my favorite place.

  16. ((((HUGS))))

  17. Sorry – wish I was there. You could have hid behind me.

  18. I’d be the shy girl in the conference room too. At least no one would recognize me. Try to have fun!

  19. Flashing you gang signs from across teh interwebz because I get it and I love you. *squishy hugs*

  20. Don’t worry pretty lady. I just took some klonopin for the both of us. Any minute now you’re going to feel its calming effects through warm fuzzy goodness. I know we had a rough beginning, but I hope you know I love you more than words can express. Can’t wait to see you in October.

  21. It so didn’t show. You seemed cool and calm.

    I understand exactly how you feel. It’s kind of how I was feeling about Friday night’s dinner until you helped. I truly appreciated you striking up a conversation with a newbie who was trembling in her heels.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you. I cannot say thank you enough.

    -Abby

  22. Damn the internet connection in my room for not seeing this sooner – sooner so I could’ve done something about it when you were within a reasonable distance to hug you, help you hide, or a throw a silly look your way.

    I absolutely adore you and can’t wait to see you again. I hope you’re feeling better.

  23. I look great in red AND blue. So I’ll shoot you all the gang signs you need. xoxo

  24. xoxo

  25. Huge hugs and hope you feel better soon.

    If I need a good cry, I have a couple “special” songs I crank up good and loud, then sing along as loud as I can and cram all my guts into them. It’s not as ugly as the ugly cry, but far more refreshing than feeling crappy.

  26. Sorry you were feeling crappy, glad you were there. If I had read this sooner, you could have caught gang signs from across the room. Not sure I know any suitable for public consumption though;)

  27. Am not there…but peace out lady. ;)

  28. Cupcakes can heal a multitude of wounds. Let me know if you need delivery. Love you, Casey!

  29. hope things got better for you on Saturday. Much love.

    xoxo

  30. Awww, honey boo. Depression (and not having the right drugs) can #SUCKIT.

    Sending you (((HUGS)))

  31. Gosh! Ive missed you! I promise not to lose you again. (((Hugs)))

  32. ((hugs)) sorry you’re struggling.

  33. I’m just now reading this, and admittedly I haven’t kept up with your blog so I’m not sure what exactly you’re dealing with…..but I wanted to let you know I found you very charming and lovely over lunch on Saturday. I was to your left…you gave me your Chick-Fil-A coupon since I have family in the area….yep, that was me. So I’m sorry you’ve got stuff going on. I hope my lunch rambling maybe helped divert your attention for a few minutes anyway :-)

  34. Well, isn’t that just sucky timing. I hope you were able to enjoy bits of your trip. I couldn’t make that one, nor do I know any gang signs but I’m up for a girls’ night anytime if it helps.

  35. I saw you. I saw your face. I knew that there was something wrong, so I asked to make sure that you were alright. It might have seemed strange coming from a virtual stranger, but I was honestly concerned.

    I don’t know your secret. I don’t need to know. All I know is that you hurt. Having been there (deep depression) I know what it means to have a kind word even if it doesn’t change anything. I know what it means to want to, NEED to hide. No need to apologize. I hope that you find some peace soon. Until then, I will be thinking of you and wishing you the best.

  36. I know where you are coming from. I suffer from anxiety and sometimes it is hard to just take that step out of bed in the morning. This too shall pass. *hugs*

  37. Oh honey. I wish I could hug you. My heart hurts.

    I love you. I will call you tonight.

    *HUGS*

  38. I saw you. I saw your face. I knew that there was something wrong, so I asked to make sure that you were alright. It might have seemed strange coming from a virtual stranger, but I was honestly concerned.

    I don’t know your secret. I don’t need to know. All I know is that you hurt. Having been there (deep depression) I know what it means to have a kind word even if it doesn’t change anything. I know what it means to want to, NEED to hide. No need to apologize. I hope that you find some peace soon. Until then, I will be thinking of you and wishing you the best.

  39. HI darling. I do not know your secret but I want you to know that I am hiding my pain as well and yes, behind the silly poses (as you have captured me above). Next time I see you, we can wink, hug and hide our tears…unless we are alone and wish to let them flow.