I used to pride myself on the fact that I didn’t need my husband for anything on a day to day basis. I relied on myself and the people around me to get whatever I needed done and taken care of.
I would leave for months at a time on vacations away from home so he could study.
There was a moment when I was in Chicago in July that I realized Cody could be facedown in a ditch somewhere and I wouldn’t even know it. We never talked on the phone and the only time we would email is when one or the other of us needed something. Since I was in Chicago I couldn’t help him with anything and since I had become so self sufficient I didn’t feel the need to check in with him everyday.
I used to roll my eyes at neighbors who complained about their husbands being gone all the time (all the time being 9-5 in most cases.) Those codependent women who needed a man in their life. How pathetic right?
Some people have made comments about the way Cody treated me through law school. I say unto you we did what we had to do. He never knowingly neglected me and I never really put up much of a fight. (Okay, that’s a lie, I put up huge fights but when nothing changed? I gave up.)
We had never been through graduate school before. We both did what we had to in order to survive.
Yes, we’re paying for our mistakes now. But we’re paying. We’re not claiming emotional bankruptcy.
Instead we’re racking up cell phone bills and bathing in the glow of technology.
Want to win a copy of singer/songwriter Brandi Carlisle’s (think Indigo Girls meets Rachel Yamagata) new album Give Up the Ghost? Okay!
Show me a raw turkey and I can tell you if it is a Butterball or not.
Show me a cooked turkey and I could tell you what method was used to cook it, in what kind of pan, for how long, at what temperature and what, if anything, you did wrong.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT’S LIKE TO POSSESS SUCH POWERS OF INFORMATION?
It’s mind boggling! All of it! No one should ever EVER! screw up a turkey. EVER! SO EASY!
I find myself looking at the cover of magazines thinking in my head “OPEN PAN METHOD! ALUMINUM! UNSTUFFED! 325°! CONVECTION OVEN!”
What you don’t even realize is that I’m actually speaking turkey. It only looks like English through type. But in my head? GOBBLE GOBBLE.
My two days spent in intense training at Butterball University were life changing. If for no other reason than I found out it is possible for one to eat 10% of their body weight in poultry.
And an even greater thanks to the ladies of 1-800-BUTTERBALL. Y’all are mind boggling. Your love for turkey is infectious. Thank you for letting me spend a two days in your presence. Go save those turkeys. All of them. GOBBLE.
I got to go to Butterball University working with Butterball and writing all about Thanksgiving over at the Butterball Blog. Yes. They are paying me. Yes I already liked Butterball. And yes, this is my own opinion. P.S. The FTC sucks. xo
Even though Cody and I have been married for over eight years we consider ourselves starting over.
Starting over with a new life, new goals and a new appreciation for each other.
This is where I get to gag all of you with romance.
On the day we started over Cody started a blog. A private blog meant just for me, where he writes to me, whatever he wants whenever he wants. And it means the world to me because I have all of these words from him to me in one place that I can read anytime as long as I have a wireless signal.
He also took me to the place where he proposed to me at almost nine years ago and he proposed again. One knee and everything. But the ring meant something different this time. Instead of wearing it on my finger where I wear the ring he gave me nine years ago I wear it around my neck, some of you have already noticed it. And in his own words this is what the ring means: (reposted with his permission.)
Here is what the ring means: (1) it is small and simple and represents my priorities in life from now on. Not that I view my devotion to you as small and simple, but that my priorities are no longer complex involving personal selfish goals. I got lost in trying to get you the material things in the world. I focused so much on school and work that at some point my reasoning for working so hard at both changed from being for your good, to doing well to meet unimportant personal goals. I will not ever forget that everything I do now, is for your benefit because you are my priority. Everything I do from now on will begin with the question, “how is this going to make me a better husband, and is this truly best for my wife.” (2) The diamond in the middle represents the goal of our marriage. I did not want to get a straight gold band, I wanted it to have a diamond at the center. The ring portion represents two paths that lead to one diamond. That diamond is our goal and we each take a path towards that goal. The goal is eternal life together. It is so important that we, together, get back to the temple. If I cannot stand to lose you in this life, how can I stand to lose you in the next? (3) Finally, the ring is to be worn on a necklace as a symbol of my love for you. I want it close to your heart so that you will never forget that I love you. I want you to take the time to thread the ring on the necklace. As the ring hangs on your necklace where it was not designed to hang, I want you to feel the ring hang there. I want you to see it hanging on the necklace as you see yourself in the mirror. I want other people to see the ring on your necklace and ask you about its meaning. I want you to tell other people how you got the ring and what it means. I want you to worry about the ring not slipping off your necklace as you come home and take off the necklace. I screwed up and did not treat you right. I let you wonder whether I truly loved you. Never again. You will know I love you everyday for the rest of your life. That’s what the ring means. I love you lady.
I don’t write this to brag, or to gag you all on all this loooove that I’m floating around in. I write it because back in February Jen Lancaster said “I like to write about things with an ending, things that are resolved.”
This whole experience is in no way over, but part of resolving this is talking about it. I thought my life and my marriage were over, when in reality it’s just starting to get good.
There’s too much divorce, hate and unhappiness in this world. I’d like to think if we fight a little harder for what we believe in there would be a whole lot less ugly out there.
This is why I share all of this. I never expected to be here. If my experience can give hope to even one broken heart out there then I’ve done more than I could have ever expected or hoped for.
My life in no way is all doom and gloom, despite the dramatic words that have been floating around moosh in indy dot com the past few weeks. I am in Utah visiting family, and what I’ve realized is what Utah lacks in flammable cocktails they make up for in desserts.
Seriously, when a restaurant has a more impressive (and longer) dessert list than their main menu? Whoo. Save room for dessert, or three.
Being ad free has been so good for me. Everything I say here is my own. It’s been delicious. That being said, I still like to do the occasional review. Especially when I get to give stuff away. Because I like to win stuff. How many times have you seen a cheese package that claims you could win a stuffed cheese man, and yet you never win. And you wonder who these people are than win the cheese men.
Not that I want a stuffed cheese man, it’s just the principle. Stuff is being given away all the time and until the internet came along I never really believed that real people actually won what was being given away. Cheese man or not.
So this week? I will have all sorts of giveaways. With real winners! That could be you! Hurrah!
I will also be leaving for Chicago tomorrow. To attend Butterball University.
IT’S AS IF THE MOTHER BIRD IS CALLING ME HOME.
I am going to learn 10 different ways to cook a turkey. I AM GOING TO EAT SO MUCH TURKEY IT WILL TAKE WEEKS TO RECOVER FROM ALL THE TRYPTOPHAN. *insert Homer Simpson noise*
Butterball is paying my way and paying me to write all about my first Thanksgiving out on my own over at the Butterball Blog (go ahead, say it five times fast.) This will be my first Thanksgiving away from my family, hopefully in my new house (WHICH WE CLOSED ON LAST WEEK! WOO!) and my first time cooking a turkey. All by myself.
If you knew my longstanding failed relationship with poultry you too would be looking forward to the blog fodder that will be me shoving my paws up a turkeys behind for the first time.
Some of my earliest memories occurred when I was your age.
And sadly most of them revolve around the divorce of your grandma and grandpa.
I remember being in the bathtub while they were fighting in the living room, sissy came in to cover my ears so I wouldn’t hear them. I don’t ever remember what they said, all I know is there was a lot of yelling and my dad moved out.
I was one of the only kids in my elementary class to have divorced parents, it was a surreal feeling. But looking back I wouldn’t have it any other way. If my parents had stayed together you would never have Grampa Poopsie or Gramma Flower. I know having both of them in my life growing up made me a better person and I know that their presence in your life will do the same.
I have always worried about the day you would be old enough to know when I’m not doing well. I’m not the mom you deserve when I’m in the dark. But you are so resilient. You take such good care of me when I’m lost in my own brain. You heal me. But it’s not fair, you’re only four. I sometimes wonder what I would be like if I didn’t have these demons to battle. Would I be very average and boring? I guess it’s not even worth giving any thought to. This is my trial.
The other fear that has been seeping into me as you get older and wiser is what if my chemical imbalance has passed on to you? I think about how much grandma and grandpa have felt helpless when it comes to the difficulties I’ve been through. Even your dad has been overwhelmed at times.
I guess what I want to say while it is fresh in my mind, is that you have the most spectacular family around you. And your dad, I love Grampa Fish but what I wouldn’t give to have had a dad like your dad. You are his world. The two of you are best friends. With this new life that we are starting I hope that you can grow up feeling as if you have the strongest support possible, and if you ever need it, the safest safety net ever made by two people in love.
The honest truth is that there have been times I have resented you. Times I wanted to be so utterly selfish. This is something that parents aren’t supposed to say out loud. But I know I’m not alone in my feelings, whether other people want to say it out loud or not.
But here’s the thing.
You are the glue that holds me together.
You are an eternally optimistic piece of my heart walking around on the outside of my body.
Like God took the very best pieces of me and made you.
To remind me that even on my worst days, I have something to live for.
I love you so much it hurts sometimes.
And I’m sorry if my hurt ever hurts you.