moosh in indy.

October 15, 2009

For a long time Cody and I played three little pigs with our lives. Only the third little pig was the the moosh and she just kind of came along for the ride given her building abilities are still a little underdeveloped and one can’t really build a house from cheese and unicorns.

For the longest time Cody and I were building a little figurative house together. It wasn’t anything great but it was ours.

Then law school came.

Looking back over the last three years it is a miracle that Cody and I came out the other side of law school still married.

For the naivety I had while in the thick of law school I am grateful.

Cody and I continued building our lives only instead of working on the same house, we were simply building houses next door to each other. Same street, different addresses. Cody kept building his higher and stronger out of really expensive law school bricks while mine came more slowly. I had to make each brick by hand and hope it would stay together.

At several points my bricks crumbled. I was left with nothing but a pile of rubble and the shadow of Cody’s towering mansion. I knew I couldn’t stop him from building his to help me, after all, that mansion he was building was going to be my future too.

So instead of asking him for help and relying on him I eventually pushed my pile of rubble back up into a mud hut. I just didn’t have the energy to build my house brick by brick over and over. Eventually I gave up and pitched a tent. Waiting for Cody to finish his mansion so I could move in.

His mansion is done.

Everything one would want if they could build a life with someone else.

But the truth is? The mansion is empty. It’s his accomplishment. I wasn’t really around for any of it. I just get to move in to this perfect life he’s created for us while I was off to the side struggling to hold myself together for the last three years. We both take blame for the distance between us.

I never asked, he never offered.

This past week has brought out the wrecking balls. We’ve destroyed the mansion together.

We’re back to a pile of rubble.

And it’s the best pile of rubble I’ve ever seen. From it we’re going to start building OUR life, brick by brick.

Together.

The way it should have been from the beginning.

Comments off.

Good luck to the both of you. I’m sure you can do it.

Oh Casey, there you are. You are (once again) not alone in this. Residency is doing the same thing to us. And if I’m going to be truthful here, depression was doing it all by itself, even long before residency began. I finally have my Bipolar diagnosis, but I’m still fighting the battle alone. He’s so busy, stressed, and pre-occupied with school that all he can manage is to ask whether I slept well, and if not, didn’t I take my meds? I read my books and go to my shrink and take my meds and try to figure out how to manage until he’s done with this blasted program. I know we will also have to rebuild when it’s all said and done.

I’m glad you had it out. I’m glad that he knows you need help. I’m glad that you can start now to rebuild.

Mazel tov!

Chrysta Reply:
October 15th, 2009 at 6:35 am

@Chrysta, (Yeah, I’m LDS, too, but “Mazel tov” just seemed appropriate…)

I’m sure your next house will be just right.

I have the utmost faith in you. You know this. You guys can do this. xoxo

Casey…your mansion will be gorgeous. And will be perfect having built it together. Saying some prayers for you and your wonderful family.

While wife was in school for two years, we lived 2 hours apart from one another. Mind you, this wasn’t law school, and we didn’t already have a kid, but it was still extremely hard. When she finally graduated and FINALLY moved in, we had to, more or less, start dating again. It was very difficult. Learning and getting used to each others’ nuances (again). Adjusting to sleep patterns (again). Everything (again).

It’ll be difficult, but all three of you love each other. I can’t think of a thing to worry about.

GOOD LUCK.

Wow, casey. Wow. Kudos to you both for your honesty with yourselves and your willingness to do what it takes. Big supportive hugs from here.

You go for it!

What a soul-baring post. It took a lot of guts to write this. I’m glad you popped back in. I wish you all the best..please remember you are not alone. Love ya, girl. ~Susan

Bless you sweet girl for talking about it.

Have you ever heard of Nichole Nordeman? She’s an amazing singer with amazing music. One of her songs is called, “We Build.” It’s basically a snapshot of marriage the way you’ve just described it. I always think it should be mandatory at weddings. It’s way more truthful than the sappy love songs that usually get played.

Praying for you still!

I wish you two (three) the best in building a beautiful house and that the “Big Bad Wolf” cannot creep in and destroy. Good luck!

I cannot begin to tell you how glad I was to see this post. While I feel like a super stalker whose way too attached to some of the blogs I read; I’ve been mega worried about you. I’m glad you & Cody are rebuilding together. It’s hard, simply put; it’s harder with depression. It’s hard to reach out and ask for help and while “they” don’t see it, it’s a bit frustrating that they don’t. You all can do this, you can rebuild your house together and it will be the bestest (yeah, I typed that) house ever. The love you have for one another & the Moosh will help provide all of that. My heart goes out to you, because in reading this post, I knew all too well where it came from. While we haven’t dealt with school, I so often feel that my DH has accomplished such great things since college and here I am stuck at a job that I no longer think I’m meant to do. Thank you, as always, for putting yourself out there. And a giant pat on the back and cheers from me while you start rebuilding!

Oh I love how you wrote this post.

Casey, this is an amazing post. As someone who grew up in a household where the two houses weren’t demolished and a new one was built, it was horrible on the kids. I am just glad that you two are doing this together!

I’m sure you two will figure this out.

However, I’d like to point out that while he was building his mansion, he did it without having to worry about his child and his home, because you were taking care of those things, those VERY IMPORTANT things, so while law school may have been his, he could not have done it without your efforts.

You put your life on hold for him. You took care of the Moosh and let him do what he needed to do. You supported him and did stuff for him that if he was a single guy living in a dorm he would have had to do for himself.

You may not have gotten a law degree, but don’t diminish your contributions.

Med school and residency was like that for us. 7 years. And when you’re in the thick of it, you look towards graduation as the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. And you get there to find it’s more like a pile of polished rocks. Still shiny and pretty and not totally crappy, but not at all what you expected either.

And you get to the end, and you look at him with his wicked smaht and fancy friends. And you look at yourself in your mustard-stained tee shirt and think: who am I? Who are we?

Good luck rediscovering who you are together. It’s not easy, but it’s so worth it!
Hugs & Prayers…

Hi Casey!
I don’t know if you remember, but my husband started law school at the same time as Cody. I used to blog at debbsflowersinthewindow.blogspot until I realized that I had boundary FAIL and simply needed to step away from the keyboard and publish button before I ruined my life. Now I’m on twitter, we’ll see how that goes.

Anyways, I can TOTALLY relate to the feeling of watching your spouse’s mansion go up and up and up while your mud hut washes away in the rain. Our marriage almost died in Steve’s first year, it was the darkest time of my life. I was already dividing up the assets in my head, deciding where I would live if we divorced. I even said to him that if our marriage was going to fail, please let it fail now while I was still young and hot and could easily find someone else to love. haha?

And then I went to school. Finally chasing after my own dream is what made the difference for me. The self-esteem that came was such a huge change, it made me feel like hey, maybe I can be my husband’s equal. Wow, what an idea.

Anyways, I’m not saying that school is the only way to feel like you’ve accomplished things. You have built a mansion, too. Through this blog. I came along when you were still a bit small over here, I think, back in 2007, and you’ve really grown and branched out. You’ve built up a community and you’ve accomplished big things through this blog, things that I know that I could never do, though I briefly aspired to them.

You’ve got a name for yourself, you’re a fabulous blogger, you’re a success, completely independent of Cody and his mansion. Yours is not a mud hut at all, it just might seem a little invisible because it’s built of html, or whatever the heck you call it.

Anyways, your marriage can and will be okay, you can and will be okay. You ARE okay.

My marriage survived what I thought was unsurvivable, and I never would have imagined being this happy in my marriage ever. I am so, so happy, and my marriage feels almost perfect some days. I hope you’ll feel the same way very soon. It’s totally possible. Take care, you.

(I fail at brief comments.)

Don’t all minimize what you’ve done while he was busy building his mansion. You’ve been raising a beautiful little girl and supporting him through it all.

That being said, I am sure that you two will find a way to build a house you both love- together. Good luck lady We’re rooting for you!!

Good luck to you both. I have no doubt you’ll make it.

This post is amazing. So much truth in such a simple analogy. Good luck with the rebuilding. You are inspiring to so many…and that can be part of your new mansion, too.

If anybody can pull it off, it’s you.

I’ve been thinking about you.
I hope that everything works out for you and Cody. Thinking good thoughts for you.

Good, good, good! Praying yoru mansion will turn out stronger than ever.

It’s good to hear the hope resounding from your words. You’ll need a large batch of determination and forgiveness as you start this fresh journey. Count on us for support and prayers!

Thinking and praying for you often!

I’m glad you are rebuilding together.

As an English teacher and lurker, I must delurk. Great analogy to explain a really tough rebuilding project. On a smaller, less mansionesque level, I get the feeling of two households. My lovely, sweet and could eat up with a spoon daughter of six months has made my marriage one of roommates but you have given me hope for a new rebuilt, structurally sound home in the future.

Hot damn… this post gave me chills.

And as a person who has her own “it’s very complicated” relationship with the father of her child, it gives me some hope.

You provided me some insight because we have a similar situation, but I’m the one who has built the giant house. This allows me to see it from his side.

Thank you.

P.S. I don’t know if you remember me, but I sat at a table with you and your friend at the during BlogHer Community Keynote thingie at BlogHer. (It was just the three of us.) I think you gave me a piece of gum, or maybe I gave you one.

i was the one who went through law school in my marriage. it was my in-laws that hate me for it…. they reckon i should have had my baby at 20 not 23. saying it was a waste of time when i should follow the prophet n stay home having babies. the last i heard we were told to do our best. uughh.
marriage is hard n in the church…the whole bloody family n ward comes for the ride. sux.

I was very happy to see a new post up when I visited this morning! It is as insightful and revealing as any you have written and I hope that it provides some foundation to build upon (no pun intended).

You can do it!

I applaud you for posting something so frank. I’ve only been reading for a few months, but I saw your post on graduation and it was a ray of hope! To hear things are not rosy even for the loveliest of people (you) is a little bit disheartening. I want to know that couples do come through law school whole and intact, since all I ever hear about are the ones who fail. As a law school wife barely beginning the ride, I want to know all the details you could never share. I want to know your pitfalls and your victories. I want someone to tell me, “THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT.” But it seems more and more unlikely that such a resource exists, and that I better just settle in and hold on for dear life.

I know you and Cody will come through this. My boss, married 40 years, always reminds us married people here in the office to “keep the long-term in sight.” Marriage is full of phases, of which this is just one. It will not last forever. Don’t lose sight of the big picture, the long-run. Take heart that as low as you are right now, you will be equally high down the road. You will, I know, because the only way people know just how high they are is because they know just how long the climb was to get there.

Debbie Reply:
October 15th, 2009 at 10:53 am

@Law School Wife,
Hey! My husband graduated from Law School this year as well, and we are fortunate enough to be happier than we ever have been in our marriage, if you’re a law school wife and you are wondering “HOW YOU DO IT” as you say , I really don’t think that there is a general “how”. I think that marriages that suffer because of the trials (no pun intended:) of law school were probably going to suffer because of something else if it hadn’t been for law school. My marriage suffered in my husband’s first year, and I know for a fact that it would have suffered regardless. It needed to go through a growing period, and I’m really grateful to law school for the way that it challenged us to either grow together or give up on each other. We grew together and I’m so grateful.

It doesn’t mean that marriages that struggle through challenges are flawed. I think it’s just the nature of marriage.

I think you’re right, that marriage is long term and there are highs and lows and challenges come in all sorts of packages (law school, first baby, health issues, or whatever else can be thrown at us), but in the end they all pose the same question to us: will we fight to stay together or will we not?

Casey, you and Cody are going to win the fight. The challenge was tough but you both learned a lot, I’m sure, and now you can rebuild. You’re both going to be awesome! Don’t give up!

Thinking of you.

I look forward to hearing about the house that Casey,Cody and whole lot of love built.

I am in tears, reading this from my own pitched tent, reading this while my husband is out of town AGAIN. Weeks and weeks and weeks he’s gone for work, for a job we have hoped will provide that “mansion.” I’m not sure he’ll ever get the chance to build the mansion, though, because I’m also the big bad wolf in this story, blowing his house down every chance I get with hot, bitter, breaths. It’s amazing how we make these plans hoping they’ll secure our future, even while they put our todays on such a precarious perch.

You can do it!! *hugs*

As someone else said, do not minimize what you’ve done, for it is amazing too.

But really what I want to know is – how? How are you knocking down the walls and rebuilding?

Big stuff!! Sometimes wrecking things is the most hopeful, most healing thing that can be done. Good luck to you and Cody!

Wow kid. What a post. I love you.

It sounds like a great plan. I just hate that you had to take out the wrecking balls.

I feel ya sister. honesty and knowing that the other person comes from a place of good will in the depth of their soul. Those are the two pillars that helped us weather a similar storm.

Welcome back! This new mansion will be a million times better than the one he built alone. Good luck.

The same thing happened to my husband and I when I was in grad school and he was in paramedic school. It’s nice to start over.

What a great analogy. I know your mansion is going to be rockin’!

Uhm I know you are close, why have we not seen each other…secondly, I love this post more than I can say!

SciFi Dad said it. You may not have the plaque to hang on the wall, but you have a happy, healthy, adorable little girl!

And DO NOT discount all the things you’ve done for yourself: the trips and being invited to speak. That doesn’t happen to just anyone. You’ve made a name for yourself based solely on YOUR talent, personality and mad computer and photography skills.

While Cody was in school, you were holding down the mansion (great analogy BTW).

The remodel? Will be beautiful.

I’m so glad you aren’t giving up, that you are going to be building together.

I love you more than you could ever know.

Your new house is going to be bigger, better and stronger than ever. I have faith in you guys.

XOXXOXOX

thank you for sharing this. my husband and i have been rebuilding for the last year. it’s a lot of work, but it’s worth it in the end.

thank you for sharing. i don’t feel like such a failure knowing i’m not the only one who has been there.

oh lady. I KNOW you three are going to build the most beautiful life together.

love to you.

I think this is a great analogy for what can happen during any marriage when one partner is off–mentally or physically–for long hours at an out-of-home job, and the other partner is “just” at home with the child/ren. I think there’s definitely more intense sacrifice on the part of the stay-at-home parent during the intense schooling of the other parent, though. And you guys will make it through if you keep communicating and remember that the dreams and ambition and time spent are all FOR the group, not for one individual.

I must say it: YOU.ARE.AWESOME. Literally, awe-inspiring. Love you.

Incidently, who is in charge of picking out the paint colors at your new mansion? Yeeeaaah, I pick you. No offense Cody but you’re a boy and therefore colorblind.

First, the selfish comment: Oh, have I missed you!
Being a fellow law school widow, I have a good idea of what you’ve experienced. Being such a classy lady, you have handled everything with such grace. This is a dawn of a new era for the Moosh Family. Lots of hugs and prayers to you as you adjust to this “new normal” and focus on the future. I am proud of you making this break-through. It will mean all the difference for you, your marriage, and your family.

Yup. I get it. My DH is military- so I feel like I have my home where he visits, his deployment home where he leaves to and that turns my home into my vacation from DH home and – well.

3 kids later I’m still not sure if I know where i stand some days.

I hope in some small way the support of commentors here help your building endeavours. Sending positive energy to you both.

Casey-

In a lot of ways, you just wrote the story of my husband and I. Replace law school with medical school and it’s us. Except we haven’t torn our individual houses down and we may not for a while.

Thank you for giving me the words to explain it and hope that we can do it someday soon too.

Good luck, and congratulations on the house.

xoxo

Oh how I wish I knew you IRL! I just know we’d get along so well! Thank you for your honesty, always… It’s why I love you! I’m praying for you guys! The road will most likely be long and hard… But oh so worth it in the end!

This is precisely why I keep telling Daren I’m terrified that me starting school next year will mess up our dynamic.
You’ll find your ways and make them one way.

You’re magical. You can do this. When you have the steps of how, I need a summary with possible numbered points to let me know. My little shack is a few days away from completely falling apart or possibly digging a mote around it. I don’t know.

What an appropriate analogy. I hope many good things are ahead for you.

The Ache of Marriage
by Denise Levertov

The ache of marriage:

thigh and tongue, beloved,
are heavy with it,
it throbs in the teeth

We look for communion
and are turned away, beloved,
each and each

It is leviathan and we
in its belly
looking for joy, some joy
not to be known outside it

two by two in the ark of
the ache of it.

Tears… I am so glad for you.. Haz a fun tyme in Utard.

Why is raising a child worthy of only a mud hut? What could possibly be more important than that? My husband is a CEO and yet I think of my job of mother as infinitely more crucial to this world. Two words for you: paradigm shift.

Youre words are so poetic. i cant help but cry. I helped put my husband through school as well.. raised his child while he earned the degree… helped him study if he asked…I am truely proud that you are destroying the mansion… because we didnt.. and since its “his mansion..” im left in my tent… and now we live next to each other … and now we just share a yard that the children play in. its very lonely… I wish i had the courage you have to break down the barrier between you two… but its been too many years…congratulations.

Im so glad to read this. I can identify, my husband’s mansion is nearing completion, meanwhile I’m on a second medication, surviving as best I can. I hope I can find joy in the pile of rubble too.

Your blogging dynasty hardly seems like a little mud hut!

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Don’t kid yourself, surviving those years of being a Law School Widow is a HUGE part of the building process together.

My husband worked 40 hrs a week during his 4 yrs of law school and halfway through it all we had our first baby. Still not sure how we survived. Getting back to a “normal” life over the past year has been wonderful. We’re no better off financially (hello, $60K of loans to pay back) but just his presence has made our house a HOME again. Cardboard box or mansion, I’ll take this life over law school, any day.

Best wishes to you & your family. You all made it through as a family, and you deserve a happy ending!

The greater the distance between us and my husband’s 14 month unemployment the more I see that is also miraculous that we are still married. Every day I am grateful we made it through such a terrible time, and so early in our marriage, in the first year! Cling to him, Casey. Cling to him like that shower curtain.

I am always stunned by your entries. So real that they take the words right out of my mouth. My husband is a law school graduate…he has been working for a year now. I do not feel that law school broke us, but I feel like now he is building his mansion and I am hanging out in the backyard in the tent.

How did you break the barrier?

I think you underestimate what you have built for yourself and your daughter while your husband was in law school. But I know it was difficult to get through and I’m happy to hear that you are both on the other side now.

First, I admire you as a writer and a parent. I had to stop reading your blog about 18 m to 2 years ago because I couldn’t bear the way you were treated because of law school. This post of yours was shared in my google reader.

I began law school (top 30 school) in 2003 and graduated in 2007 having had a child in the middle and I still was an active participant in my family life and responsibilities during school. Law school doesn’t have to be this widowhood I keep seeing repeated in the comments. My husband loved law school years because we talked about the class work every night at dinner. And we ate dinner together every night. Even during finals. Even during bar prep.

I don’t know if your husband is going to a firm, but if he is, the same forces that separated you two during school will be at play. And he won’t be building his mansion, he’ll be building a partner’s mansion.

Did I miss out on some things I really really wanted during law school? Like law review or a summer at the IRS? Yes, I did. But after graduating I got a prestigious clerkship nonetheless and wrote a published tax opinion. Now I’m an AAG and am still home for dinner every night though, if I chose to, I could work nights and weekends.

For a good family life, gov’t lawyering is where it’s at. What you sacrifice in income, you make up in family harmony.

Your lovely post sparked an a-ha! moment for me. Thank you for that, and best of luck with your renovation.

Great metaphor of a post. Looking back, is there anything you think you could have done differently to have avoided feeling like this?

Oh, I love this. I love this so much.

I am so happy for you and the home you are building together!

We all have something to learn from this story. Thank you for your vulnerability.

Best Wishes with the new building.

I know this two house next door to each other business.

I know this wrecking ball.

I know this pile or rubble.

I haven’t got a clue what comes next.

But I know, too, this strange hope that comes from staring at the rubble.

Beautiful, hon. I hope you and Cody find a nice, comfy home. Mansions are overrated.

seriously love it, i am bawling right now, thank you for e-mailing me this

No one can express the complexities of marriage, hurt, depression, motherhood and more like you Casey. Your words are as beautiful as you are.

God bless you and your new life!

Casey, you are amazing the way you can put your feelings into words.

My husband finished law school and passed the bar this year, too. We looked at each other recently and realized that we had been living very different lives over the past 3 years. While he was learning the law, I was learning how to live very independently from him. There was definitely a point where we could’ve gone our separate ways. There just wasn’t much holding us together. But we fell in love with one another all over again. We are now laying a new foundation for our life, our marriage, our future. We are starting over, 4 years after we first said “I do.” I’m glad I’m not the only one who has hurt the way I’ve hurt – or hopes the way I now hope.

I hope we can look back on this time as a turning point, for both of us. Thinking of you, sweet friend.

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