Some of my earliest memories occurred when I was your age.

And sadly most of them revolve around the divorce of your grandma and grandpa.

I remember being in the bathtub while they were fighting in the living room, sissy came in to cover my ears so I wouldn’t hear them. I don’t ever remember what they said, all I know is there was a lot of yelling and my dad moved out.

I was one of the only kids in my elementary class to have divorced parents, it was a surreal feeling. But looking back I wouldn’t have it any other way. If my parents had stayed together you would never have Grampa Poopsie or Gramma Flower. I know having both of them in my life growing up made me a better person and I know that their presence in your life will do the same.

I have always worried about the day you would be old enough to know when I’m not doing well. I’m not the mom you deserve when I’m in the dark. But you are so resilient. You take such good care of me when I’m lost in my own brain. You heal me. But it’s not fair, you’re only four. I sometimes wonder what I would be like if I didn’t have these demons to battle. Would I be very average and boring? I guess it’s not even worth giving any thought to. This is my trial.

The other fear that has been seeping into me as you get older and wiser is what if my chemical imbalance has passed on to you? I think about how much grandma and grandpa have felt helpless when it comes to the difficulties I’ve been through. Even your dad has been overwhelmed at times.

I guess what I want to say while it is fresh in my mind, is that you have the most spectacular family around you. And your dad, I love Grampa Fish but what I wouldn’t give to have had a dad like your dad. You are his world. The two of you are best friends. With this new life that we are starting I hope that you can grow up feeling as if you have the strongest support possible, and if you ever need it, the safest safety net ever made by two people in love.

The honest truth is that there have been times I have resented you. Times I wanted to be so utterly selfish. This is something that parents aren’t supposed to say out loud. But I know I’m not alone in my feelings, whether other people want to say it out loud or not.

But here’s the thing.

You are the glue that holds me together.

giggle.

You are an eternally optimistic piece of my heart walking around on the outside of my body.

us by kim.

Like God took the very best pieces of me and made you.

either i have a pinhead or she has a big head.

To remind me that even on my worst days, I have something to live for.

my baby and me

I love you so much it hurts sometimes.

And I’m sorry if my hurt ever hurts you.

xo-redmama

Comments

  1. How is one to read this without teardrops?

    I miss you!

  2. Love you, lady. You’ll make it through this, and your daughter? She will be entirely stronger for KNOWING that you came through it. And she’ll always know that she can come to you and be with someone who has been through the dark places. If she should go through the same thing, she’ll know whose hand she can take to lead her through.

    This post was perfect.

  3. I love you guys so much. So. Much.

    I’m ALWAYS here for you!! XOXOXO

  4. As a daughter with a mom with depression I want to give you some advice. Misery loves company and as your daughter ages she will find happiness in many things and sometimes somewhere inside of you, you might feel a little jealous.

    Of course you want her to be happy.. of course you want everything for her… Just keep that in mind when you are about to stand in the way of her true path. You must always remind yourself that she comes first especially in those moments where you want to take the lead the most. I have 2 little boys now.. and I have cried and been given hugs that make my sadness smile.. I have been through plenty.. what I learned most from my mother is that where she failed I will succeed, where she let me down, I will not let my boys down. BEST of luck to you, thank you for your story, it made me sniffle.

  5. Oh and.. try to lean in friends instead of your daughter whenever possible… Cuz its so hard to be that person to mommy.. trust me.. I am still her.

  6. I wish you could see yourself like I see you: someone who is strong and yet so flexible and giving, someone who has a gigantic heart but is willing to stand for something and draw the line, someone who is honest but never brutal. Your daughter will grow to be strong and valiant and trustworthy and it will be BECAUSE of you not despite of you. And the best lesson of all is that you will teach her it is okay to not be perfect as long as we do our best. That little girl is blessed and blessed again to have you for her mom.
    Miss you and love you.

  7. Casey,
    You are in my prayers. You are a dear sweet sister. Hang in there, he knows you and knows your pain.

  8. Praying for you Casey. This is a beautiful post. Know that God delights in you, even when you don’t feel so delightful.

  9. I too was one of the only kids with divorced parents in school. Sometimes I admit that I am jealous of my girls. Their realationship with their father, how they really want for nothing. Well, except for the whole horse thing. But I am amazed how they can make me a better person. God knew what he was doing when he gave me those girls and I am eternally thankful. It hurts me though to see my oldest suffer with depression. The same depression that as a teen my mom swept under the rug. But I can hopefully comfort her and help her when she is in the darkness.

    Much love to you my friend. xoxo

  10. Your post has stayed with me since I read it this weekend. It resonated in me in such a way I wish I could explain. So, I’ll just say thanks.

  11. This is just beautiful and raw. I am sure your daughter will know exactly how you feel about her and see your courage for trying to feel better. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.

  12. I just found your blog. My friend Sarah shared this post. It came at the perfect time. This weekend was one of the worst weekends since my son was born. His hugs and snuggles and “can I kiss your cheek?” are the things that got me through it.

    Thank you for writing this.

  13. BEAUTIFUL!

    So many of us can relate. Thank you for being strong enough to share.

  14. Thinking of you! XOXOXOX

  15. Hang in there, fellow indy girl. This too, shall pass.

  16. She’s such a great little kid. You’re doing right by her. Hugs and kisses to you both.

  17. Beautiful.

    Both her and you.

    You are so blessed to have one another.

  18. Got to this post via Ewokmama.

    Lovely photos.

    I think the love comes through. & even if some sadness comes through, too; well, sadness is a part of life, even if we try to shield little ones from it.

    Good Luck.

  19. Thank you for this. I look foward to sharing it with my readers. Your words reflect a struggle that all mothers who suffer any form of depression go through. Wishing you many blessings.

  20. If you haven’t read Ghost in the House: Motherhood, Raising Children, and Struggling with Depression by Tracey Thompson you need to pick it up asap.

  21. Beautiful.

    After 4 kids, I have ppd now with my 5th. It is good to have our children around us to hold us together. I have found a good support “group” through twitter and my blog, and I know I am not alone with my feelings, but many times it does feel lonely. Your words are uplifting. Thank you.

  22. My hope is to not be absent for long stretches of time, “sick” in bed, as my own mother was.

    I always knew she loved me, she just wasn’t always there for me.

    I grew strong and independent, and now I have a very loving relationship with her.

    xoxo

  23. I have been talking about this entry to the women in my life since you posted it. Casey, this has been incredibly powerful to me, even though I’m not (yet) a Mama. I hope to be as strong of a mother as you are to your ‘lil Moosh. She is a beautiful little girl and knows that her Mama loves her whole-heartedly.

    I am sure that life will be difficult for both you and her as you both grow in your relationship together, but knowing that the basis of that relationship is LOVE can only make it stronger and pull you closer together.

    I do believe that my mother lived (and still lives) with depression while I was a younger woman. I wish that she had been honest with me, and that is the only piece of “advice” that a non-mom can offer; be honest with your ‘lil moosh so she knows that you’re not blue because of her.

    Thanks for being an inspiration to me, C.

  24. Thank you for your honesty! Beautifully written. Thank you for putting yourself out there. It’s not easy, but so necessary to open the lines of communication and help heal – for yourself and other families struggling.

  25. Wow! What a meaningful and truthful letter, which I’m sure will be treasured forever once your daughter really gets what all of that means. So lovely of you to tell her.

  26. This is a beautiful letter, and more so because it is so honest. Thank you for sharing this.

    You are not alone. (:

  27. This was such a moving post. I suffer from anxiety and depression and so I totally understand where you’re coming from. I love your blog. Thanks for writing it. :) And I love all the beautiful pictures!

  28. Just the look on your face when you’re with her says everything. She’s a lucky kid!

  29. Wow. What powerful post. I, too, suffer from depression and I have two daughters, ages 3 and 4. I worry about passing this to them. Thank you for writing this.

  30. As I was reading your post, I realized you had put into words exactly how I feel. I was diagnosed one year ago with PPD and the guilt is overwhelming. I still have times when I feel like a complete failure but then I look at how happy my son is and I just have to smile. You are such a strong person. Thank you for this!

  31. Oh my word girl – that post could not have been more beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!

  32. Thank you so much for writing this! It made me cry. I totally recognize it, my parents are divorced too.

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