moosh in indy.

For a long time Cody and I played three little pigs with our lives. Only the third little pig was the the moosh and she just kind of came along for the ride given her building abilities are still a little underdeveloped and one can’t really build a house from cheese and unicorns.

For the longest time Cody and I were building a little figurative house together. It wasn’t anything great but it was ours.

Then law school came.

Looking back over the last three years it is a miracle that Cody and I came out the other side of law school still married.

For the naivety I had while in the thick of law school I am grateful.

Cody and I continued building our lives only instead of working on the same house, we were simply building houses next door to each other. Same street, different addresses. Cody kept building his higher and stronger out of really expensive law school bricks while mine came more slowly. I had to make each brick by hand and hope it would stay together.

At several points my bricks crumbled. I was left with nothing but a pile of rubble and the shadow of Cody’s towering mansion. I knew I couldn’t stop him from building his to help me, after all, that mansion he was building was going to be my future too.

So instead of asking him for help and relying on him I eventually pushed my pile of rubble back up into a mud hut. I just didn’t have the energy to build my house brick by brick over and over. Eventually I gave up and pitched a tent. Waiting for Cody to finish his mansion so I could move in.

His mansion is done.

Everything one would want if they could build a life with someone else.

But the truth is? The mansion is empty. It’s his accomplishment. I wasn’t really around for any of it. I just get to move in to this perfect life he’s created for us while I was off to the side struggling to hold myself together for the last three years. We both take blame for the distance between us.

I never asked, he never offered.

This past week has brought out the wrecking balls. We’ve destroyed the mansion together.

We’re back to a pile of rubble.

And it’s the best pile of rubble I’ve ever seen. From it we’re going to start building OUR life, brick by brick.

Together.

The way it should have been from the beginning.

There are statements that even I can’t say out loud.

There are questions I can’t ask.

It’s not because I don’t know the question, it’s because I’m afraid of the answer.

Or the answer isn’t socially acceptable.

I should assume that this is a good sign of my morality. That there are things I won’t say out loud for the fear of hurting others around me, preserving their feelings.

Or maybe it’s just the fear of what people will think about me.

Someone once told me that a fear is a fictional event appearing real.

Unfortunately there is nothing fictional about my reality.

I am still in a very dark place.

And a lot of it is my fault.

A very wise friend left a comment the other day that said “It will all be okay in the end. If everything is not okay? It is not the end.”

This is not the end for me.

And I am looking forward to being okay.

Please let them know you haven’t forgotten either.

(Comments closed, winner of the giveaway is Jessica from @mommasgonecity, congrats lady and thanks for all of your comments, if you haven’t read through them you really should. Inspiring words.)

With perfect timing, two of my dearest friends sent me this necklace from their etsy shop. The R House Couture.

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev’ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav’nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: The hour is hast’ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Hymn #124 from the LDS Hymnbook

They sent me another one to give away to you.

We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things. From the 13 Articles of Faith originally written by Joseph Smith.

Their shop is full of inspirational necklaces with simple words such as “fear not” “all is well” “courage” “grace” and “faith.” The idea came to help pay for court costs Mrs. R has incurred while fighting to keep her little boy. Each purchase includes cards from couples hoping to add to their families through adoption. The idea was to make gifts for both birth and adoptive mothers. I however think they are perfect gifts for any woman who needs a boost.

Like me.

I’m already a huge fan of buying handmade. I’m an even bigger fan of  buying handmade to help keep a family together. Please look at their shop and keep it in mind as a gift for those women in your life who carry so much. They are more than happy to produce custom orders.

To win the custom “HOPE” necklace from The R House Couture and me simply tell me what quote, scripture, hymn, song or saying that gets you through difficult times. I will pick one random comment Wednesday October 7 at midnight. Open to anyone in the world. Because we all need hope.

Cody passed the bar.

*biggest sigh of relief ever*

Our house is still up in the air.

*pass the cupcakes*

I am a dork. (If you can’t see the video click here.)

(video by and from Erika)

And I love you all ferociously.

Have a good weekend. xo