moosh in indy.

January 27, 2010

I’m back to being a good old fashioned wench one regular week out of the month just like the stereotype dictates.

This past week has been the week of babies 2010. Four of my friends had them, one of them had two at once. I look at their pictures, those snuzzly little babies wrapped up in white cotton all yawny and warm. I found out four more of my friends are pregnant with them and one of them has two where she thought there was only one. All four of the friends are darlings with whom I have discussed the crappy road of infertility and miscarriage.

I am so relieved they got their babies.

I am even more relieved that I am at peace with not getting mine.

Now I’m not saying it’s never going to happen or that I’m immune to the smell of new babies. But I have spent the last two months oblivious to pregnancy math and it’s been WONDERFUL.

I’m happy being the moosh family three. I’m happy to wake up on Wednesday and know that it’s just Wednesday. Not three days before I ovulate and seven days after LMP and nine months from now is November.

I like it just being Wednesday.

I like our playroom being the playroom. Not the playroom that will someday be the nursery.

I liked telling the girl who did my hair last night that Addie is my sidekick and that she’s everything I could have ever wanted in something that popped out from my nether regions.

What I haven’t told anyone about the picture I took of Emily when she first held her baby was that in that moment I realized that if that moment never happened for me again? I would be okay with it.

100%.

I tried to fight it, a natural reaction after fighting so hard for a baby for years. But instead I let it wash over me and appreciated being there with Emily in that moment even more.

I like that when I hear of a new pregnancy I get excited, the way people should get when they hear of a new pregnancy. With hushed whispers and squees, maybe even some jumping up and down. I don’t get angry or bitter or immediately start thinking “WHY HER AND NOT ME?”

To those of you who are left without your babies? My heart knows the ache your heart feels when you get that negative on a pregnancy test. I hope you get your babies, even if it’s not your body that gives them to you.

I am done being bitter. I am done being angry.

All these new babies need to come into a world where love outshines jealousy. And gratitude squelches bitterness and anger.

I am finally there.

And I like it.

Now with closure and a lot less baggage!

Comments off.

Welcome to this side of the fence. I think you’ll like it here. The grass is green and it’s strewn with oodles of terribly annoying plastic toys and it’s nice here. It really is.

Casey Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 4:36 pm

@Burgh Baby, I know these toys of which you speak.
LPS anyone?

Glad the Lupron is gone. It drove my sister batty, too. Glad you’ve found peace. You deserve it!

I am terribly happy for you. Peace is a nice place to be.

this was simply beautiful, and something i needed to read.

thank you for expressing yourself so eloquently.

I just started what i hope to be my last round EVER of depo lupron. I hate it. I hate standing outside my body knowing I shouldn’t be freaking out at something that I totally am. Some days I am on the ok with no babies and the no more possibility. Some days. Other days I want that normal birth and delivery I never got. I want the normal kid not the special needs when we have. Thought I think I will keep him to.

This is a gorgeous post. Thank you for sharing.

rpm

Thank you for showing this strength and peace. It helps.

I am so glad to hear this, Casey. I am so proud of you.

Your post gave me chills. I am so happy to hear that you have come to this point. I also know thay you haven’t given up hope and that is the most important thing!

You don’t know me, but I know your feelings firsthand. I, too, have accepted that my daughter (my first IVF experience) will be my only child after two failures since. It was a difficult road that led me to this place you have now found, filled with twists and turns and many bumps along the way. But yes, it’s time to appreciate what we have. And we do. How wonderful!
Best to you and your family.

Wow, now that was from the soul…I can feel it. I am glad you found peace in all of this. Someone close to me struggles with infertility and she still has issues with it. But I KNOW I would too if I were her! I am glad you are happy! The Moosh is SO lucky to have such an amazing mom!

wow Casey. That is amazing! Good for you. It was a long, hard fight but so worth it!

And, for the record- your moosh is adorable!

I can’t wait to hug you next week. I have this weird thing where I’m really proud of you, like I’m your mother. (Which I’m old enough to be.) (And you know I’m not a stalker, even though I sound like one right?)

Proud. And very very happy for you.

If we ever get to meet in real life, I want to give you the biggest, tightest blogger hug ever.

Over this past year I have hoped and wished wonderful things for you.

You are beautiful inside and out and I just wanted to tell you that.

xoxo
CE

What wonderful feeling that must be for you. I’m SO happy to know you are there now.

After several years of unexplained infertility, I was blessed with a little boy. And then another. And yet one more. I thought I’d be able to round out our family with a fourth, but due to age and family circumstances and, oh yeah, finding out that I’m bipolar and need meds to remain stable, that fourth is getting farther and farther out of reach. I know I should be grateful for the three little boys I have (and believe me, I am), and yet I wanted that last baby so badly. I’m trying to get back to that place of peace I found a few months before finally becoming pregnant the first time. The place that says I will put aside my own wants and accept whatever the Lord’s will is regarding the size of my family. Acceptance is a good thing. I’m so glad you have gotten there.

I’m so happy for you that you’ve reached this place of peace and acceptance. But is it wrong of me to say that I’m sad that you have given up hope? I mean, I understand that you needed to, that you need to move on. But still. Sad. But also happy for you and your adorable family of three.

Casey Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 4:37 pm

@Marie Green, I haven’t given up hope. I’ve just accepted the present and won’t be stressing out over the what if’s and the waiting game. You know?

I’m glad you’ve come to peace with where your life is right now. I will pray for you to get another little bundle though. I know how hard it is! Infertility is a cruel disease that no one should have to go through.
Love and hugs

I have no way of even imagining the anguish you’ve lived in for the past few years, but I can tell you that I am happy to hear that you are at peace with things. So very very happy. There is so much that we cannot control in life and learning to accept it is the hardest thing, I think.

You are beautiful, your daughter is beautiful. HUGS!

Thank you for this! I have 1 healthy kid and was dx’d 2 years later with a devastating weird-o disease that led me to HAVE to get my tubes tied. I never would have imagined..but I’m here and the fact I got to have 1 is enough thanks to the Lord. It was hard on me for years to go visit friends 2nd or 3rd babies or hear of pregnancies…I’m with you, I’m at peace with it and now I get all the bad wrap for having an only child and all the myths that go with it! Ugh..So thanks again for this and trust me when I type that I know exactly how ya feel!

I am SO happy for you. I am one of those ladies caught up in the “pregnancy math” and each day is caught up in it. Hard as I try I can’t seem to get away from it – I am glad to know there’s hope of moving past it one day. Thank you so much for sharing!

Oh Casey, you always leave me laughing or crying, or both.

I’m still bitter. Mostly because I don’t even have a playroom. I have a storage room that one day I hope to be a nursery and eventually a playroom. And I don’t care how my kid(s) come to me, so long as their mine forever.

But this post did give me hope. It gave me hope that one day I won’t be bitter anymore. And while I’m super happy for all my pregnant and birthing friends, (and especially Heather) I still long for my own.

Thanks for sharing this Casey. I’m happy you’re happy.

Casey Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 4:38 pm

@Untypically Jia, Ah, enjoy the bitter because this too shall pass. Promise.

Untypically Jia Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 4:49 pm

@Casey,

I know, and thanks. *hugs*

It cannot have been easy for you to arrive at this place; I don’t know if I could have ever done it. You have my respect and admiration.

Wow, what an uplifting post! So glad you’ve arrived at this mindset in your life, it must feel so liberating!

Life is good when peace arrives. Enjoy.

Congratulations! I am so glad that you have found peace. A peace that is so elusive in infertility – I know. Enjoy your freedom from the calendar and charting!

You make me smile.

Coming not from the infertility perspective but from the I FEEL LIKE I WILL BE SINGLE FOREVER perspective, I’ve been hit by deep, unshakable baby fever by all the sweet little faces coming into the world.

Casey Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 4:38 pm

@Miss Grace, You’re too hot to be single forever. Let’s be honest.
There’s also that whole you’re lovely and charming element too.

Miss Grace Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 5:18 pm

@Casey, I am blushing furiously.

AmazingGreis Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 5:20 pm

@Casey, I’m with Miss Grace, I’m in the I’ll be single forever boat…and babies, babies everywhere is not HELPING!!

I admire how you’ve come to peace with this.

You’re fabulous!

It’s such a long ****ty journey, but you have arrived at a wonderful place. Welcome!

Oops, sorry about the cussing. I just got caught up in the moment.

Casey Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 4:39 pm

@Amanda, HA HA! You discovered my newest plug-in!

Wow, good for you. Really, it’s such a positive thing, and I’m sure it will make your life better for it. I’m getting to this point too. I’m not ready to give up on the possibility of another baby for us some day, but I’m happier than I was. It really is a process. I’m glad you were able to take this big step.

I’m so glad you have the peace you deserve. I can’t even imagine the road you’ve been on.

Much love and blessings to you, and your perfect family of three.

I want to be there with you. I am working on it. Thank you for sharing.

You are amazing. Really. I think coming to peace with any challenge/situation/circumstance takes immense faith and courage, but especially this one. Motherhood is so precious and I’m so glad you have Addie and I’m so happy you have found peace! Love you, friend.

You do not know how much I needed this today. Thank you!

I am nine months into trying to have a baby and it is rough, especially when everyone around you can get pregnant so easily!

I am weeping big fat tears of happy for you.

Thank you for being honest and sharing.

(I had to creep on over to flicker to find it but…) I love the hair color. It’s gorgeous!!

Glad you’ve found peace with it! Love to meet Addie someday…she seems like someone who is so full of life that she more than compensates.

You’ve come to the place where accepting what you have is better than always wanting. It’s a very grown up place to be. I’m proud of you.

What a beautiful post. I’m so happy for you! I hope we cross paths IRL sometime because I’m in Indy, too.

Woohoo! Very well written and exciting you have come to that realization. I am having some issues in that arena and I’m truly trying to just be grateful for the wonderful 8 year old daughter I DO have. Many don’t even get that much, but it is still hard to be ok with and I’m not quite there yet. This post was so good to hear!

Tears.

Beautiful post.

simply beautiful. you with the words and capturing an emotion . . . wow.

I read this and well up with tears. I’m not sure if they are happy tears, sad tears, tired tears or just tears because I love you and am glad you are ok with this.

Happy for you. That picture is absolutely beautiful. I wish I could capture life with my girls the way you do.

You were fighting for a baby so hard when I found out I was pregnant. I stopped reading your blog because at the time you were so angry and it made me feel guilty and I couldn’t relate to you. I wanted to be happy, but you were so sad and I couldn’t bring myself to read your blog. I wish you had been in a better place when we met once. I was excited to meet you and the pain on your face when you saw my belly was heartbreaking. You walked away pretty quickly and I felt like I didn’t deserve my happiness. I’m glad you’re there for your friends. The photos are beautiful and they are lucky to have you for a friend.

Casey Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 5:15 pm

@Tamre, Oof. See? This is what I’m talking about. I hurt so many people (some on purpose and some not) without even realizing it. I really was in an ugly place.
I’m so sorry you met that me.
She was a jerk.

you are so right about this being baby week. i know five people that had babies & one that found out she’s pregnant all this week (not to mention the internet friends that had babies too)

*hugs* to you my friend. you are truly amazing.

So glad you’re making it to the other side! I’m there some days and gone others, but I can see that it’s going to be a nice place to stay!

“For by and by the mist shall lift, and plain it all He’ll make. Through all the way, though dark to me, He made not one mistake.”

I’m not sure who said that or where I first learned it, but I’ve quoted it to myself for years. It brings comfort to me.

One of these days this is all going to make sense. I’m so happy for your peace. Right now, and whenever one of these days is.

You’re a wonderful mommy <3

You are an amazing woman, Casey! Your words inspire and bring hope. The Moosh is one very lucky little girl! XOXO

I’ve been reading your blog for over a year and didn’t have the courage to post until today.

I have never had someone describe the pain of infertility more accurately than you have. Thank you for your honesty.

We adopted our practically perfect in every way baby girl 7 weeks ago. I hope she grows up to be as adorable as your Addie.

OH, this is so great to read. Here’s to peace.

((HUGS)) I still want a baby, but I know what you mean about being at peace with the situation. I think the longer you deal with infertility, the more used to everyone else getting pregnant (sometimes twice!) and it being another thing. <3

Infertility… unfortunately its something I’m WAY too familiar with. I protested and fought it for a VERY long time and finally got to the place where I was at peace with living in the NOW and not in the someday, maybe one day, what if possibly world.

I’m so glad you’re there and wish you much peace, health, and happiness!

I am happy for you Casey that you are at peace with this.

What an amazing post, thank you for sharing. I recently have started to find the calm & peace of knowing I will never be able to get pregnant. Even though we are beginning our adoption journey, sometimes I was still bitter. The past probably month or so, I have noticed that going away, but not until reading what you had to say, did I really realize I am at peace & understand what you mean.

I wish you nothing but peace & happiness in the future.

Bravo & thank you!

Oh Casey, my heart sings for you

Your post encouraged me. It is awesome when you get to a place where you accept the plan for your life right now. I am an Indy girl and I am going to Blissdom.

I’m so happy for you, Casey. Your Moosh has a wonderful mama!

I’m an only child, and this makes me want to call my mom!

This made me smile for you.

“done being angry” “done being bitter” – those are amazing and hard fought sentiments. I want to get there some day.

I am so. so happy for you. I know the road the the place you’re in now was no fun but the destination is worth it.

I’m so very happy that you’re at peace with whatever may come, Casey. xoxo

This is a huge blessing.

Finding peace in something this painful.

I cannot imagine what you have gone through to get to this point. (Well…I can try as it is a stellar imagination but still…)

I’m really happy for you. I know that infertility is really, really hard and it takes a toll. Getting to that place where you’re done with it can be such a relief if it’s the right thing, and it sounds like it is for you. Who knows? Maybe nature will decide to give you another kid. Maybe not. You and your daughter? Perfect and adorable!

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There’s an anti-swearsie plugin?! Dude, that was SOOOO created for you. LOL

I am so happy that you’ve found peace. I know it will happen for you, Casey. I know it. Until then, revel in the fact there are no poo smeared walls and stinky diapers cluttering your garbage cans.

XOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOX
Always.

Sometimes, it’s refreshing to be able to look bad and see how far we’ve come. Your happiness now is evident.

I’m glad you’ve gotten to this place you’re in now. It’s a good place to be. It’s hard to be patient and I can relate to when you’re TTC…the counting days and how it’s never just monday or tuesday.

I don’t often respond but I wanted to let you know that I’m so happy that you’ve gotten to this place. It’s a road that I traveled to and, you know what? After I traveled it everything else just seemed to fall in place.

I hope that works for you too.
The hope in your voice sounds great Casey.

i don’t guess there’s any other way to say it: i’m happy that you are happy.

btw – you and addie GLOW in that picture.

I’m so glad for you. I think your day will definitely come, but I’m glad that you’re okay with the possibility of it not coming. *hugs*

It’s good that you’re at peace. It’s hard to think that junky things sometimes have some small bit of good in them. The good? That your struggles have helped many other people; that your Moosh is a light that you do have, so regardless of if you get another light, the effervescence of her will help you through life; that (crappy as this may sound) your not being able to have a second child has helped people who DO have children realize that others aren’t as lucky. You’ve likely helped more people than you know. And personally, if you got another little bubbly Moosh 2.0? Your house would be so full of cute and adorable it just might explode. And what would that do to all the new fixtures, furniture and the like that’s there?

Love you.
Giant hug for you in one week.

I’m cooking up my first one right now and I’m excited. A lot of my excitement comes from seeing the love that you and other bloggers have for the babies you do have!

Glad you are at peace with whatever God has in store for you. You’ll be a light to a whole other group of people in the way you have been to all of us!

So happy you’ve arrived.

I am *just* getting there myself and it’s been a heck of a difficult road…

I’m happy for you Casey. This is a beautiful post.

What a beautiful post, that I’m sure was hard to write. I love the photo of you and Addie.

For a number of reasons, my husband and I are not going to have children. I know this is the right thing for us. But I’m still working through it. I blogged about it about this time last year (http://www.ramblingsbyreba.com/2009/03/15/the-baby-thing/). I’m more “firm” in my decision now than I was then, but it’s still not easy.

I’m glad you’ve found peace. I’m looking forward to some peace of my own one day.

You are incredible. So glad you’re in this place right now.

I have a friend who SO needs to read this, but I’m not sure she’s ready to yet. My heart is sad for her all the time because she’s in such a bad place about trying so hard to have another baby and not succeeding.

so thankful you are at peace.

Also next week….SQUEE!

I’m so glad you’re happy, Casey. I recently had one of those moments where I realized how ok I am with my little family of three, too. It’s a great feeling. It also helps that we both TOTALLY hit the jackpot of cuteness with our first babies.

So glad you’re at this place! It’s a good head space to be in! I have two, but I’ve always yearned for that cute little number of four since before my uterus would give a little twitch at the sight, sound or thought of a newborn. Alas, I just don’t know that that’s in the cards for me and my own finicky fertile self, and I’m okay with the two that I’ve been blessed with! That’s two more than many!

I’ve read and cried along with you through your struggles, knowing how you feel. It makes my heart happy to know you’re on this side now.

We’re so much more than the zip, boom, pow of our fertility!!!

Is it OK if I’m not there yet for you? Can I want it really badly for you and be crushed for you instead?

sigh.

Hi, someone left a comment at my blog recommending your blog. My ob-gyne just dropped a bomb on me saying I have PCOS and likely not have babies anymore. I have a 6 year old girl who longs for baby sisterS and brotherS. I’ve had all the anger, jealousy (at all pregnant ladies) and longing for that sweet baby smell again. We’re still trying but when it’s all done and nothing, I hope to find closure like you did.

Very beautiful post!

Wow! That is an amazing place to be. It’s so hard to not be jealous when someone has something we want. I really think you have hit the key in just being content with what you have and being grateful and ok with it. That is a great place to be!

this is SO me….thank you for putting into words what i’ve been feeling.

we’ve had infertility plus miscarriages, yet i seem to like banging my head against that wall. maybe now i’ll get over it.

You are BEAUTIFUl! I love your guts. Even the barren ones…

i’m visiting for the 1st time (i think!) because twitter is all abuzz about you speaking w/ one of my favorite friends in the whole world. =)

this is beautiful and i read with tears filling my eyes. what a perfect place to be….contentment. and as an adoptive and biological mom (but really just a mom) i’m so thankful you mentioned to those waiting that there are other babies that need love.

many blessings to you!

I am visiting for the first time, and I can’t stop reading.

What I’ve experienced is nothing compared to you, but I also had a very difficult time getting pregnant and a very difficult pregnancy. I threw up every day, usually 2 or 3 times. Also lost weight and joked about bulemia. How I hated being sick and pregnant and miserable. But nothing, nothing even close to what you described.

I think it’s absolutely amazing that you were willing to go through it all again for a second baby. I wasn’t, until I got pregnant unexpectedly a second time. My husband and I came around to the idea, and then I miscarried.

The pregnancy I didn’t want had become the baby I really wanted. Same for my husband. We tried to conceive. I became the exact same crazy person you described. Every day was a cycle day, a day to monitor CM, or a day to test something. As you know, it’s overwhelming. Through all of that, I discovered that I haven’t ovulated in at least 4 months.

Jealousy, bitterness. It’s so true.

I’m looking at another month of TTC versus going back to being happy with the only child I thought I wanted. My husband wants to continue to TTC; I’m not sure I do.

So anyway, I wanted to leave a comment to say thanks for being so honest. It’s nice to know that we aren’t alone in this miserable, unfair journey.

What a beautiful story and it seems like one that more women go through then I had ever thought of, I guess you don’t think about it until you go through it yourself. I have an 11 year old daughter but luckily was able to get pregnant last year with twin girls, but sadly I lost them when they were born prematurely. It’s been 6 months since I’ve lost them and I am still coping everyday with my loss like today when I saw 2 year old twin girls holding hands in Target but I like you have come to peace with the journey I am taking and you’re right all those babies out there are truly gifts. Thanks for sharing your story with all of us!

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