There’s this song that the little kids sing in church about the wise man building his house on a rock and the foolish man building his house on the sand. When the rains came down and the floods came up the house on the rock stood still while the house on the sand washed away.
My self esteem is established on sand for at least a dozen different reasons. It doesn’t take much to knock it over or even rattle it for that matter. I don’t talk about it much (if at all) because it’s a stupid thing to concern myself with and whenever I do talk about it I get the clucks of friends telling me how crazy I am for seeing myself as anything less than beautiful.
My sister was in town the last few days. I love her. Wouldn’t trade her for anything.
But how we share the exact same DNA and yet I ended up 40 pounds heavier and at least 10 inches wider than her is beyond me. She of course tells me that it doesn’t matter, I’m healthy, I’m smart…blaaaah.
If I were to envision someone I know as Mother Earth, it would be my sister.
But my sister has never seen her bellybutton poke through a shirt, had a roll come up over her jeans or been brought to tears because of the way she looks in a picture. She has never had to buy bigger jeans or had Wii Fit call her obese. I can still remember the day she came home from the doctor when I was 12. She was turning around in the mirror asking “The doctor said I only weigh 98 pounds, do you think I look too thin?”
I weighed a lot more than 98 pounds two years younger than her. And yet I was not even close to overweight.
My mom is the same way. Naturally tiny and thin with curves where it mattered.
These were the girls I grew up with, the ones I compared myself to daily.
And I always came up bigger.
This is my sandy shore.
It never mattered that I wore the smallest skirt in my cheerleading squad.
It still doesn’t matter that Cody confuses my clothes for Addie’s clothes.
I have always been “the big one” in my immediate family, not to mention the awkward one.
I never learned about true beauty being on the inside during my youth, I was too busy finding attention from all the wrong people with the supple superficial beauty on on my outside that I was far too willing to give away to anyone who would notice me.
I’m not sure how to go about getting a rock as my foundation. Or even more, building Addie on a rock so she never has to hate what she sees in the mirror.
But I’m trying. Hard.