It’s no big secret that I possess a lot less funny after LupronGate 2009.

My depression has morphed since ending the demon drug last year.

Not only has my depression changed (A!N!X!I!E!T!Y!) my life in general has as well. You can only be kicked so many times before your rose colored glasses fall off and crack.

I want to get better.

I want to go back to being the old Casey. Fun Casey.

I’ve decided to write my way through May, through the highs and inevitable lows.

I’ll be speaking on depression at the end of May at the Casual Blogger Conference, so really it’s just staying true to the brand if you think about it.

Comments may be closed sometimes. Or a lot of times. I’m not sure how the month is going to go.

But hopefully by the end of it I’ll have learned a few things about myself and maybe by writing out loud I can help someone else too. I love being able to do that.

*phew*

here we go…

Comments

  1. Thanks for your courage. I hope it helps. *hugs*

  2. I’ll be here reading and ready to patch those glasses back up again. Or you can just borrow mine. :)

    Steph

  3. *hugs* I so get it. I’m here for you.

  4. Love to you my dear. I’m here for you, if ever you need.

  5. I am dealing with a bad depression right now. You are not alone, hugs.

  6. You will get through it. I know. I have suffered/suffer with severe anxiety and some days seem like I can’t even take another minute. But you only get stronger as you push through the mess.

  7. I just wanted to say, as a long time reader, as a mom who has suffered through infertility, as a non active LDS member, as a person whos suffered depression, I love you Casey. Write your little heart out darling.

  8. It sounds like an echo in an alley, but you’re not at all alone in this. Thinking of you often.

  9. You are a beautiful, strong, capable, generous, talented woman with many, many friends–both known and unknown–and a loving family. I love your idea of writing through this and will be a big fan and supporter. You reached out in friendship to me and I will always reciprocate. I wish you peace and joy through this journey.

  10. I’m there. Or, I’ve been there, except backwards. Mine started out as SEVERE anxiety and panic. And then morphed into a quasi depression, which has since bled over into bipolar just a tad.
    I write through it. I have to, or I’ll shrivel up and die. Or I’ll yell at my kids way too much. Or throw a stick of mushy butter at my husband’s head and instead hit him in the ear and then he can’t hear for a week because it’s all greasy. (I’m just saying)

    So yeah. I get it.

  11. Thank you. I think I may suffer from anxiety – there are days when the weight of the world feels like it’s on my shoulders and Im not sure I can live up the expectations I have set for myself. Hearing someone work through it may help. Thank you for having the courage to talk about it.

  12. Oh, there you are, Casey. Whenever you turn off the comments I worry about you. So glad you’ve decided to share. From one bipolar mom to another…

  13. I am so proud of you and your courage. Thank you for being willing to speak about this, to share yourself in this way. I am here, sitting next to you, nodding. I understand.

  14. I hope writing helps – it always make me feel better.

  15. If there is anybody, anywhere, who can get through it, it’s you, Casey.

    And if you need any help – you just let me know. I’ll hop in my car, drive down there, and buy you a beer. And you can talk it all out.

    Although, that may take more than one beer.

  16. Anxiety has been ramping up in my life. Don’t know if it’s life circumstances, the IUD, or what, but one thing of which I am absolutely sure is that you and my other currently and formerly anxiety-and-depression-ridden friends (of whom I have made LOTS in recent months) were set up in my life to help me through this. If only so I know that I shouldn’t accept it as “normal” but that it’s not just me.

    *elbow link*

  17. Infertility and the drugs that go along with it are evil. I’ll be starting a round of it myself tonight.
    My anxiety has been slowly creeping it’s way back into my life. You are not alone. Write your heart out.

  18. Thanks for bringing us along on your journey. I initially started my blog to help me work through my depression…and now I’m beginning therapy this Friday. I’m actually really amped about it. My rose colored glasses were shattered beyond repair years ago and I want help picking out a new, less rose tinted pair. good luck!

  19. Been there. I suffered from anxiety for YEARS and couldn’t imagine a time would come when I would be my old self again (without faking it).

    But it did and I am. After LOTS of crappy work and too many lows.

    All this to say, you are not alone (if that helps at all) and to say – it is possible to beat it. Writing it out can be therapeutic in itself. GL.

  20. I wish there were easy answers for you, Casey.
    Hang in there.

  21. Depression and anxiety are kind of funny in a my heart feels like it’s going to jump out of me chest and I’ve been laying in bed all day and haven’t showered in two days kind of way. Okay, maybe not at all. But, write it out, girl. It’ll help. It will.

  22. (Hugs) to you. I’ll be reading. I know you’ll help people, and that’s a wonderful thing to do.

  23. Anxiety sucks. I’ve allowed it to make me miss out on so many things in life. Write away!!!

  24. I recently started taking my own happy pill. You’re not alone. Hang in there-we’re with you!!!

  25. Big, big love to you. You DO help people, all the time. Thanks for letting us be here with and for you. Also? You’re getting an EXTRA big hug from me at BlogHer.

  26. Amy in StL says:

    Personally I love that you have the balls to still write even when the darkness is looming. Closing comments is totally understandable because nothing we can say will help; and you know we’d try and then you feel bad for feeling bad – which is silly so you feel bad for feeling silly…. Or maybe I’m just projecting.

    Wait?!? Can I say balls on here? :)

  27. I also blog about the ups and downs of depression. What I find amazing is the difference in posting from when I started and now. I have made a lot of progress but I still write about good, bad, or indifferent days. I am trying to overcome the stigma of depression.

  28. Glad you are writing about it — hope too many trolls don’t come out of the woodwork and leave comments. Your blog is your home and you should feel free to write what you feel!
    You are not alone in your depression changing. It is quite common that depression manifesting itself as anxiety…especially those due to hormonal changes (which have happened to you). It is one of the challenges in getting mental health issues diagnoses and treated, especially in women (and moms). You are a wonderful person, fabulous wife and an amazing mother. You will get through this, the old Casey may never appear as you will be a new Casey, a Casey who has grown because of this (remember everything happens for a reason, and the powers that be (in our case God) has a plan for us).
    Keep writing, keep being honest, and keep being you.
    Hugs,
    Kari

  29. Casey, you are a wonderful, amazing woman. That you are writing your experiences and speaking about what you are going through as it is happening is such a strong thing to do.

    I am a woman who has dealt with depression and anxiety for the past 20 years. The thing that has helped the very most is the Priesthood.
    May Heavenly Father hold you in his hand and you all get through to the other side unscathed.

    Your “Sister in Zion”

  30. Good for you. I think that is really brave. Love ya.

  31. Kimberly says:

    Thank you for writing. My sister-in-law has not been the same ever since taking Lupron earlier this year and we don’t know what to do or say to try to help. You help provide a little bit of insight about what might be going on that she’s too scared to share and that makes it easier for me to be kind and gentle with her.

  32. My wife doesn’t understand my depression, but she understands that I have it and that I’ve struggled with it for a long time. She can’t comprehend why I can be happy one day, then miserable for the next three weeks, although I have such a perfect family… but she understands.

    Your readers understand. Your family understands.

    /wishy-washy

  33. You’ve already inspired and helped me. I had never even told my husband how depressed I was and how badly I needed to be on medication until I read through your blog. I have now been on medication and have been working with my doctor for almost a year. I’m glad I found your blog when I did. You have a lot of courage and are a wonderful woman/mother/wife. Thank you for speaking out.
    *hugs*

  34. big (((HUGS)))

    we’re here for you.

  35. It’s May 3rd, we’re 10% through the month already!

    I’m here if you need to laugh at someone.

  36. I’m there too. But we’ll get through it. I’ve done thins enough times to know that even though I can’t see that light at the way far away end of the tunnel, I still “know” it’s there. And I will find it. And you will too. Here’s hoping that we have patience and mindfullness and healing.

  37. My journey through severe anxiety attacks, the deep chasm of depression (severe before the babies, postpartum after) and three years of infertility before our first child…the journey was always harder when I disconnected. Staying connected to others is what keeps me from the edge these days. Kudos to you for connecting. And we are here to encourage you on your journey.

  38. Thank you so much for writing this.

    I’ve been trying so hard to talk honestly and openly about my struggle with anxiety and depression. I can’t tell you how much I admire your courage.

    You’re kind of like my hero.

    All the best wishes for you,
    Whitney

  39. Depression sucks. I wish I didn’t have to take my magical pills of happiness. I wish that they didn’t sometimes quit working for no reason. I wish that sometimes I wouldn’t have to fight myself to take said magical pills. Everyone is so much happier when I take them & I need to stop listening to those who tell me that I can do it on my own.

    I look forward to reading through May with you. I was going to try to go to CBC,but things just didn’t work out. I wish I could be there with you. Plus I have never been to Utah.

    I see a road trip to Indy in my future, to visit your fair city and of course you. We will have a tasty lunch free of the gluten that ails ya.

    xo

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