I have felt so much peace since arriving at some sort of closure with my infertility.

However, visiting Utah last weekend was a punch in the gut.

Those of you who live there? You get what I’m saying. Those of you who don’t? Let’s hope you live in a football/college town so you understand my little story here.

Utah takes The Big House

Almost all of us like football in some way. At some point in our lives we are invested in the sport whether it’s our dads watching it every Sunday or holding season tickets year after year. We tend to pick a team and stay fiercely loyal to that team through thick and thin. Sometimes your team does really well and you don’t even have to think about how much work goes into being a team that is that good. They just are, whether it be natural talent, coaching or all the money in the world.

Other times you’re loyal to a so called “nobody” of a team but you cheer them on anyway, and sometimes? Miracles happen.

And when those miracles do happen? They are celebrated. Even if they don’t last or happen year after year, we always remember “that one good season.” And we stand behind our team, because we know what they are capable of, we knew it all along.

Other people are loyal to teams that, well, stink. They’ve always stunk and chances are the stink will continue. But they keep coming back.

Other times our team gets so close to victory and blows it, for whatever reason. What you’re left with is a long road back to a championship. It may happen next year, it may happen in 20 years or there’s the reality that it may never happen. But that sting of the last loss stays with us, especially when we’re reminded of it with an innocuous t shirt.

(Sorry Indy. I know it still hurts.)

My uterus had its chance at a Superbowl victory (pregnancy) last year after a surgery and hormone treatments. I was hopeful. But it’s been a year (added to the four failed years before) and sadly my uterus is back on the injured list (endo and PCOS have returned in full force.)

It won’t be playing in any championship games anytime soon, I’ve known this for awhile and it’s okay.

Going to Utah for me is like a Colts fan seeing a 2010 Saints Superbowl victory shirt. Only instead of a t-shirt there’s pregnant bellies. Just as a Saints fan has every right to wear a shirt they are proud of, a pregnant women have every right to flaunt their bumps. Neither of them are doing it to intentionally hurt those Colts fans out there who can still feel the disappointment of their loss. And no Colts fan should ever take it personally.

But it still hurts a little to be reminded.

(I know a lot of you have miraculous stories of pregnancy. I know for myself I am not one of those miraculous stories. I am the rule, and I am okay with that. I’m really okay. Just trying to put words to my feelings, maybe help explain it a little better.)

Comments

  1. I’m not a sports fan, really, at all. Except maybe basketball (although, yes, I’m Canadian, and the Raptors haven’t had a good season in a while!). But loved these pictures.
    Really beautiful post…. Hugs….

  2. sing it, sister.

    there are a lot of beautiful swollen bellies here in the beehive state (similar shapes even!) …mine has never been one.

    there was a time when that really suffocated me. like you, i have made peace with it and adored the children that are mine through the miracle we call adoption at the r house. not the answer for everyone, but certainly the superbowl championship victory that came out of no where and is divine for r little fam. (and yes, we do need t-shirts and hats.)

    the only solution i see here, is that you move to UT (there are several beautiful options right here on my street …my how i would love to have you!) and in typical casey fashion, confront those feelings head-on.

    shall i book your ticket and moving van? and perhaps get you BYU season tickets with the rest of us? i KNOW how much you love the cougars.

    xoxox

    Casey Reply:

    @mrs. r, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that adoption (especially for you this last round) is less like the Superbowl and more like the IronMan. Everyday.
    For a year.
    And while I appreciate your invite, I prefer to confront my feelings from two thousand miles away thank you very much.
    xoxo

    mrs. r Reply:

    @Casey, …so you’re saying i should cancel the truck and the house warming party?

  3. As one of the many who’ve never had a swollen belly, I can say once I came to terms with things I actually had to mourn and grieve for the children I had always hoped for. Now I am a proud dog mom, and have a loving heart for any woman who is in the shoes I once wore. My heart and prayers are with you all, and however you find your peace, be it adoption, or just in letting go. You are not alone.

  4. What a great analogy… never thought of it. But then you always find such good words to express your feelings on infertility (I’m reminded of being a Panda in a rabbit world, which I now use all the time btw).

    I too know that without some SERIOUS divine AND medical intervention having a big pregnant belly won’t ever happen for me either.

    Endo and PCOS suck.

    True story.

    Luckily there are people like you giving great analogies for people like me to direct others to so they can understand. Maybe one day I’ll be so eloquent…

    Thanks Casey. I’m sorry being in Utah was so hard. I understand. I lived in the “rabbit hutches” at BYU for a year. (Please don’t throw stones)It was awful… To make it even better, my church calling was making welcome signs for all the new babies… ugh!

    Sending hugs and prayers your way.

  5. I am with the R house. You know how adoption is effecting us right now. It is not for everybody but if you want someone to discuss it with I am here with open ears.

  6. I am a new reader, and I have read several of you previous posts, and they have all hit home. It is through the blogging world that I am now coming to terms and finding peace in my situation, which is similar to yours. We’ve never had a baby bump here either, and it is hard to see them all around. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

  7. C, after you left a comment on my “coming out” post about my feelings of ultimate failure around fertility (over at my personal blog Pop Discourse), I’ve had you in my thoughts. I totally hear you on this one and also about the sense of closure. Since writing that post, I’ve felt a weight lifted and no longer look at the calendar anymore either. It’s a huge relief.

    But yes, I do still sigh sometimes when I pass yet another pregnant belly.

    My thoughts are with you. -Christine

  8. I have been sitting here trying to come up with fancy words to make an appropriate comment but I don’t have any, I could never say I understand what you’ve been through, but you explain it so well that I almost feel like I can relate! Through your words, those of us that have not been there can see it more clearly.

    I just support you.

    Steph

  9. I’m not at the point of trying to have children yet, but as a hardcore Colts fan, I understand where you’re coming from.

  10. Utah can definitely be brutal when it comes to the amount of baby bumps (and baby comments, which I hope you didn’t get!). I hope you enjoyed the CBC and that you’ll remember our mountains, not our stomach mounds.

  11. Oh man, I am cringing at Erika’s horrible calling. Ugh.

    Love you, and thanks for coming to Utah sometimes.

  12. I loved your analogy here, and think it really will help people understand the thought progression of someone dealing with infertility. Spot on, as usual, Casey.

    And for what it’s worth? I’m a pretty loyal “Casey’s uterus” fan… it might be forever, but I have faith that someday you will hold another wee babe. I know that’s not where you are, and I have tremendous respect for you for that, but I can’t help keeping the faith.

  13. With every pregnancy announcement from friends and family, I find myself quietly repeating to myself “their fertility is not about me….their pregnancy is not about me…”

    It’s the only way to not burst in to tears when I’m feeling particularly heartbroken about infertility.

    Adoption was a miraculous, messy, complicated, wonderful way to build our family. I wouldn’t trade my daughters for all the healthy pregnancies in the world.

    But infertility still sucks.

  14. Oh C, I feel ya. (PCOS in da house) and ya know how you feel about Utah, well yeah that’s my trip to Ikea on Monday … followed by a baby shower invite in the mail on Tues. I found a quiet spot in the woods to let out my frustration on these things. You’re so right no one would hurt me on purpose, esp. strangers in ikea but it does hurt. Better to know I’m not alone tho. neither are you. xoxo (Also I’m an MSU fan and grad so yes TAKE THE BIG HOUSE!!)

  15. Ugh. You have no idea how much your story took my breath away. I’m going through the very same thing right now – and no matter what I do, I seem to be in the losing side of the percentages. Even when we did get pregnant, we wound up in the 20% that miscarry. You sound like you are definitely in a better spot than me – I really just want to hole up somewhere and never come out again. :: sigh::

  16. Hey Casey- I feel so lucky of having the privilege to have met you in person on several occassions. We talked last summer after my very painful and awful miscarriage. Although Nate and I do have a baby on the way in September, I know the sting of seeing pregnant bellies and wondering “why” – however, in my case, I now have a baby on the way. I can imagine and ache for you, but I cannot claim to be in your shoes. No matter what happens, you have the Amazing Moosh – and she is so blessed to have a mommy like you. If your story ends with one moosh – then so be it! I hope you’re doing very well! Perhaps we will cross paths again someday!

  17. I totally get this….I am a Browns fan.

    xo

  18. Oh how I feel your pain. It sucks. I am surrounded always. I’m jealous you get to escape it. It’s healing to me to here other’s feelings, so thank you. I shared my story a couple months back, and I’m so glad I did.

    So nice to meet you @ CBC!

  19. Ooh, that’s a metaphor I get. While my pain is a little different (wanting to get married on top of the having children), I at least get it on some level.

  20. sucks.

    there’s nothing super to say. it sucks.

    and coming to terms doesn’t mean you have to love it.

    i’m sorry, doll…

  21. Hey girl. Three years for me and NO pregnancies or babies. Although I am in the process of adoption the pain of knowing that I will never EVER be pregnant or breastfeed or experience labor or any other biological miracle of life experience that so many other women take for granted every single day never stops hurting.

    You can read my story on my blog if you want to.

  22. I know how you feel. We all have things that make us ache with jealousy or sadness. I wrote about that a few days ago. I know. And I know that UTAH is the worst place to be when you feel that way!

  23. Thank you for putting that so eloquently. It is without exception impossible for anyone to fully understand something they personally have not been through. It really does make a difference when someone is willing to explain it in such a way that most anyone can understand. Thank you for that and I hope for you, in the coming months, that there is a change in both of those conditions so the desire of your heart will once again be met.

  24. I can’t tell you how much I loved this post. I would love for you to repost this in a new blog community. If you are interestd, please contact.

    Hugs to you..I can so relate.

  25. Love you. Even though I have two more than Addie…it still hurts and I hate living here, and I hate that I have to be okay with being done. I hate people pregnant with their fourth baby, a baby that will live. Don’t get me started on fifth babies. I love you. LOVE.

  26. it will ALWAYS hurt when we are reminded. ALWAYS. Hug Addie tightly.

  27. Thank you very much for this post. I am new to your site and hope you don’t mind if I poke around a bit. I’m just starting the journey to accepting my infertility, as a 40 year old who has just had her 3rd miscarriage after 8 IVF attempts. I’m still in a very raw place with very few I can share with IRL.

  28. To all the women who haven’t been able to get pregnant and live in Utah…I am one of you. It’s nice to know their are others who have the same feelings about seeing other pregnant bellies and wishing, hoping and praying for their own. I haven’t come to term with it, and don’t know if I ever will. I will hope, pray and wish for all of amazing mothers to be mothers…. In any sense of the word!

    I need someone to talk to about infertility. if anyone would be open to emailing, IM or whatever I would be greatly appreciative !!

  29. There are 18 pregnant girls in my ward right now… sometimes I want to punch them in the face.

    Especially the ones who say things like “we didn’t even want any more”, or “I was really hoping it wasn’t another boy, but oh well.” I thought it was bad in Utah, but for some reason its worse here in chi-town.

    Infertility just sucks… but thanks for posting about it.

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