Hi.

I don’t want to be writing this one. I’m kind of embarrassed and ashamed about a lot of it.

You see, even though I talk openly about depression and infertility? I always harbored this silly little stereotype in the back of my head that said “depression is real, anxiety is not.”

Yep. I figured anxiety issues were for people who just couldn’t handle their own emotions. A sort of made up problem to get people out of social and difficult situations. Much like I used a “sprained” ankle to get me out of running in high school gym.

Awesome right?

It’s been over eight months since my first anxiety attack. And guess what kids? Anxiety is a completely real thing that sucks.

Right now I’m just hoping it will go away. Or maybe that it’s not even real, that it was just something I ate. Sadly the truth is that it was something I had shot into my butt.

Three times.

Lupron.

Why the hell didn’t I google Lupron? Why did I just listen to my doctor?

Why is it that I can google chapped lips to the point where I’m almost certain my lips are destined to fall off from some third world fungus but something serious such as permanently altering my hormones I don’t even type into that little search box up there?

Whenever I google Lupron now, I find stories very similar to mine. “Lupron Brain, permanent mood disorders, loss of cognitive ability.”

It’s both a blessing and a curse that my blog comes up as one of the only real accounts of Lupron.

After a complete meltdown (read: anxiety attack) at church today I wrote nine words to Cody that encompass almost every thought I’ve had lately.

I wish I could be me a year ago.

He understood exactly what I meant.

I feel like over the past month I have found part of myself again. Or at least brought to light the new me that I’m going to have to navigate through life from now on.

This girl is gone I’m afraid. (Crap. How great was her hair?)

But hopefully this new girl will find her place and kick some ass while she’s here.

Comments

  1. You are often in my thoughts. I never went the Lupron route as I watched a co-worker who also had endo’s hair fall out. She would pass out at the drop of a hat and still was miserable every month.
    I went the depo route, which turned me into a horrible person and only masked the problem.
    I got lucky, eighteen months, six months after a laproscopic ablation I finally got pregnant with my first.
    My second it took a year and another procedure and my third, well she was just God saying, “I’m in control, don’t ever get too ****y.”
    I hate that my friend went through Lupron hell, but I’m glad I knew to pull up my pants and run whenever a Gyn suggested it.
    I’m glad I know you, I hate what I see you go through.

  2. Anxiety is so real and my thoughts are with you. While I have never had to go through the experience of Lupron, I will say that if that is ever offered to me as an option? No way. Hormones and I do not mix. I ended up going off of birth control in March…I’ve been on it since I was 18 (nearly 10 years). Weirdly enough…once I started going through it in my mind…The start of my anxiety problems nearly coincided with when I start bc pills/rings/patches, etc.

    The amount of anxiety attacks I have had? Dramatically decreased within the first week I gave the bc up. I later read on the actual warning documentation for the NuvaRing? That people who have a history of anxiety or depression (which I’ve had off and on over my lifetime) shouldn’t go on that. I was on that thing for 7 YEARS!? And my doc never noticed the connection? EVER?

    *HUGS*

  3. Anxiety is really real. I’ll attest to that!
    I’m so sorry about the Lupron, muffin.

  4. I have never heard of Lupron and have no idea what it is. Birth control?

    Anxiety is genetic on my dad’s side of the family. I don’t have have generalized anxiety, but I have more phobic anxiety. I had my first panic attack last year, due to claustrophobia, and had several more before I even realized what they were.

    And then, I immediately sought counseling and help. One of the benefits of being a social worker is that I’m not ashamed in anyway to ask for help.

    And I haven’t had one in almost a year. But man, anxiety sucks. There was a time when I thought I was going crazy and I couldn’t stop the ridiculous thoughts.

    But, I can’t understand depression. Fortunately, I have never had to experience it. However, depression and anxiety are very closely linked, and many people with depression have anxiety, and vice versa.

  5. Anxiety is crazy real and it will change your life. I had my first anxiety attack when I was 12. I went several years without any and then when I was 21 it nearly took over my life. I’ve fought it ever since.

    I wish I could say that it hasn’t changed my life, but it has. I carry pills around with me at all times. I make sure I always have an out, always have an escape. I’m more aware of everything than I was before I had anxiety.

    It may be permanent, but you’ll get used to it. It takes a while, but in time you’ll probably still wish it wasn’t there, but you’ll love the life you have with it any way.

  6. I am 43 years old but went through years of infertility treatments. My 2nd child was IVF and I used Lupron. Could this be related to my anxiety that I have struggled with? I wonder. I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. I know the pain you feel and wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Good luck!

  7. Oh Casey, I know how you feel. Like majorly. While it wasn’t Lupron that jacked up my hormones, it was something else and just before I figured it out, I remember standing outside the U of U at a bus stop after a wonderful date with my husband and I burst into tears and said, “I wish I could be Jia again.”

    ? U much sistah. Both Yous.

  8. When you mentioned the Lupron, I wanted to warn you. But who needs strangers on the internet telling you not to listen to your medically-certified doctor?! Now, a year later, the effects on my Mom are becoming horrifyingly real, and if I have to do it again, I’d tell anyone that mentions it. Just in case my one voice of dissent changed their minds. Surely everyone who takes it can’t have this experience (or why on earth would it be legal!!) but can I tell you mine? Mom took Lupron for a few months to shrink some massive fibroids and stop the bleeding so they could do an emergency hysterectomy when she was 42. Her pancreas quit working and she ended up in the hospital for a few months, but she pulled out of it and had the surgery. At first everything seemed ok, that we’d dodged that bullet. But the she couldn’t remember things, then the depression set in, then she lost the first job, second, third. Now the anxiety, plus depression, plus no health insurance to treat either. Her OBGYN apologized to her last week. But where do we go from here? She’s 52.

  9. I adore you.

  10. I only WISH I could have “plain” anxiety attacks. (And I don’t mean that fliply. I’ll go on.)

    Instead, I have anxiety for hours, days, weeks, MONTHS at a time. And I have for YEARS. In fact, my doctors think my anxiety is what caused my depression of a few years ago.

    It all SUCKS! :(

    I’m sorry.

  11. boo to anxiety. My anxiety has contributed to my PPD. I’m going for therapy starting next week. I have to DO something about this. The pills only work on days when I’m already feeling Ok. When I have anxiety too? it’s like I’m not on any ADs. Suck. You are in my thoughts fo sho.

  12. KeyLimePie says:

    Please warn everyone about Lupron! This drug needs to be off the market. I took ONE monthly shot and have a permanently distended abdomen which will require plastic surgery to fix. I am 95 pounds and was always thin and never pregnant. This drug causes rapid swelling which can tear the fascia layer of connective tissue in your abdomen. Don’t try Lupron even once! Please join the Facebook victims group and keep spreading the word on Twitter! Thanks and Good Luck! I hope you feel better and find a solution for your anxiety. I too, will never be the same.

  13. you give me hope. I love you.

  14. i’ve never experienced anxiety and i thank my lucky stars–the depressions is enough for me, shanks. i’m sorry for your lupron experience but if it makes you feel any better, i thought you were pretty awesome when i met you. then again, i’m crazy so maybe my opinion doesn’t count for much.

  15. It took me forever to realize how real anxiety was and could be. It’s frightening sometimes.

  16. I’m sorry. You are still amazing, every girl you become is a great one.

  17. I’m sorry you had this experience but I’m so glad you figured it out and now know where you stand on this med.

    I have never found anything that helps with my depression or PMDD. Hormones = bad. Anti-depressants = bad. Most things just make me suicidal; not really what the doctor and I are going for.

    I did have somewhat of a nightmare situation I imagine is similar to yours. I’ve had a headache for five years. Early on in the diagnostic process (no, still no answer) my neurologist was certain it was a migraine. He sent me home with an Imitrex injection and told me how to use it. I was desperate enough to stab something into my thigh, so I tried it the next day. I seriously thought I was going to die. My husband just watched trying to decide if he needed to call 911. It passed within a couple of minutes, but those were the scariest minutes of my life. I saw my children without a mother.

    I, too, wished I had looked it up first. Imitrex works wonders for many people, shuts down the pain neurons. In a few rare cases, mine being a lucky one, it fires them up instead.

    I’m with ya. Sorry.

  18. I wish there was a way to take all that pain and anxiety away. :(

  19. Casey, I just want to say that reading your blog has helped me more than you will EVER know.

    I’ve never taken Lupron, so I can’t relate with that at all, but from you sharing about your depression and your struggles with it has helped me SO MUCH.

    I just want to give you a big thank you.

    Thank you for being brave enough to share what you are going through and your life experiences.

    Because of you, I am not so scared any more. Because of you, I realized that IT’S OK to say I don’t have it together, I’m not alright and it’s going to be ok.

    So yeah, this comment has nothing to do with Lupron, I just wanted to say thank you.

  20. Note to self…never do lupron…Casey said so.

    I’m sorry this is something you’re dealing with and was made even worse by this Lupron devil. Ugh!

    Picking up the pieces can’t be easy, and I admire all of your openness about going through these very REAL things.

  21. Amy in StL says:

    I’m so sorry you’re having to drag yourself through this mire; but so glad you’re dragging all of us with you. You seem like a totally awesome chick and although you may not feel like the you that you want to be; you’re still pretty cool, yo!

  22. Oh Casey! You have been on my mind a lot as I’ve read your recent posts. I hear Carrie Underwood’s new song on the radio today and my mind flew to this post.

    The chorus goes like this:

    “You stole my happy, you made me cry
    Took the lonely and took me for a ride
    And I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it”

    Anxiety is real, I deal with it on occasion with my husband and now it appears my daughter is susceptible as well. However, it is one of those things if you’ve never experienced it or watched a loved one who you know to be otherwise sane go through you can’t fathom it.

    A huge Internet hug to you. You are Good People and by sharing your story you do so much.

    I bid you peace and if there is anything I can ever do? Just ask. Oh in if you ever make out my way, you better tell me!

  23. Insomnia= when you can’t sleep until you are completely whacked out and then you have Anxiety= when any random thing can render you unable to breathe which further depletes you to Depression= when you fall into the chasm and sink to the place where you feel you must die to get away from the pain

    The initial triggers=any of those medications that mess with your hormones=birth control pill, lupron, clomid, etc.

    I wish there were a way to get back to the place before I took some of those meds. Hopefully, none of the crazy was passed to my girl.

  24. Casey – THANK GOD YOU WROTE THIS! I am supposed to take the Lupron shot in 2 weeks! Do you know anything about alternatives??

  25. If you find her, could you ask her where her 30lb lighter counterpart is? I miss both of them with all of my heart. Love you. And I had a major anxiety attack yesterday, still recovering from it. They are real, and suck. xo

  26. *hugs*

  27. True Anxiety is real. Luckily, I don’t get it often – but when I do, it can be crippling.

    Also, as someone who once begged the cosmos and anyone who could help to help bring her oldself back, I’m happy to report that I didn’t get my oldself back after all that and the hard work.

    I found someone who was a little more understanding, a lot stronger than I ever thought possible, more able to understand her feelings, and overall, someone who I like a heck of a lot more.

    I wish you a similar journey, even if the steps are sometimes hard and you just want the old version of you back.

  28. anxiety and i are twisted, bizarre and ****ed up friends. it’s like that best friend that’s always been there, that you have a history with, and you (meaning i) know WAY TOO well… and i hate it. i hate this anxious part of me, the part that suffers from the UNREAL physical attacks, the emotional strain and the surrender. i hear you. and i wish i had a different version of me back as well.

  29. Oh, Casey,you’re so brave. Anxiety is very real and very scary. My PPD manifested itself as extreme anxiety and those attacks just about did me in a few times. I”m happy to hear you’re feeling more like yourself. Keep self-examining and figuring out who you want to be. With love, support and lots of deep breaths, you’ll get there. xoxo

  30. darkwitless says:

    My Bestest friend in the world has had issues with anxiety over the past couple of years. They seemed to come out of the blue. No history. No rhyme. No reason. After reading this post the other day (I just found you recently) I called her to ask about the Anxious Monster (as we call it) – and told her about your Lupron tie in…BFF was on Lupron for almost a year…and that’s when the anxiety started.

    Thank you thank you thank you for sharing. She’s been googling and now knows at least part of the WHY of her A.M. and feels better for knowing!

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