Nine years. Phew. One third of my life with the same man.
Technically we started out as kids, 19 and 22.
Now we’re 28 and 31, he’s a lawyer, we have a kid, a mortgage and matching scars.
You see, last October we almost didn’t make it.
Since you can’t see me I’ll just have to tell you that typing that out brought tears to my eyes and a pain to my chest.
We were very private about our struggle. Our tiny apartment became ground zero. We didn’t leave the house much. We spent a lot of time in bed holding onto each other wondering how the hell we ended up where we were. Our eyes were itchy and puffy from the constant stream of tears. The TV wasn’t turned on. Very little food was eaten. Even fewer words were spoken.
We had both let ourselves grow so far apart from each other.
Growing up there was an old writing desk in our front room. I never really paid attention to it unless I needed a pen or a place to hide a treasure. Nobody really paid attention to it. It was just there. When my parents divorced, my dad took the desk and my mom was livid. I was only six at the time, but I remember how mad she was when we came home and found the desk gone.
Our marriage had become that desk. We used it when we needed it, but never really thought much about it, because it was always there when we needed it. Then, through a series of events, that desk was taken away from us and we had the choice to either fight for the old one or go shopping for new desks, on our own.
We both chose to fight.
The last time I stayed with my dad I really looked at that desk for the first time in 27 years. And you know what? It’s a great desk. A desk worthy of fighting over. I can see why my mom was so angry it was gone. I wonder now as I look back if that desk didn’t symbolize a whole lot more to my parents than simply a pretty place to hold pens and envelopes.
Last night at dinner Cody asked me what my favorite moment of the last nine years has been. His was when I walked down the aisle…which probably explains why a lot of you mentioned it looks like he wants to eat me in our ceremony photo.
“I may have been scared going into June 16 2001, but when I saw you walking down the isle all I could feel was complete excitement. I realized that marriage didn’t need to be scary because it meant that I got to spend forever with you.
I still feel the same way.”
In that moment he knew he wanted to be married and that he wanted to be married to me.
Mine is the night I was lying in his lap two weeks after meeting him.
In that moment I knew I wanted to be married and I wanted to be married to him.
And so we did, we are and always will be.