I feel I should tell you the following story to save you some strife/embarrassment/pride issues for the future.

Or maybe I’m the only one who attracts demoralizing activities like a moth to a flame.

And then blogs about them.

First, there was the treadmill.

Then there was announcing the treadmill situation to a room full of 800 strangers.

Then there were the Brazilians.

Now there’s the spray tan.

Now I’ve had a spray tan before, you get naked, spread some lotion on the rough parts, put a net on your hair and strike a series of Egyptian poses in a booth with a bunch of spray guns aimed at your bare pale flesh.

This last weekend I figured, “Hey! I’d like to buy myself a tan!” So I found a local joint in my new town, exfoliated and set out.

When she led me back to the room I went over the checklist in my head.

Lock on the door? Check.

Hairnet? Check.

DHA smell? Check.

Lotion…no…hmm.

Booth…check…wait….no sprayers…NO SPRAYERS IN THE BOOTH.

no check….NO CHECK!!!

Just then the nice lady informed me that I was to strip down to my underpants, position myself just so in the sprayerless booth, knock on the wall and she’d come back in.

SHE’D COME BACK IN.

SHE WAS THE SPRAYER.

HER. WITH EYEBALLS.

My face drained of color and was then replaced with a pink flush.

“Um, so, I feel like I should introduce myself since we’re about to, well, you’re about to see me really naked. Hi. I’m Casey, I like to take pictures, I have a few tattoos. I like cats more than dogs. I used to be fat!”

She was even more embarrassed that I had no idea that she was going to be the one doing the work.

I never even found out her name.

Comments

  1. Oh. My. Lawd.
    I’ve NEVER heard of a human sprayer.
    I would have certainly died…or at least cried and messed up the stupid spray anyway!

  2. I don’t understand how THAT made you uncomfortable and yet you will let a stranger wax your nethers…

  3. Can you even imagine some of the horrors that woman has seen? Not you, of course, but think of the pasty masses!

  4. I’m with Jen. You had someone pour hot wax on your lady bits!

  5. Oh, to have been a fly on the wall.

  6. Yikes!!! I had no idea there were human sprayers, I thought they just used the spray guns in the booths! I guess you learn something new every day; for one, not to get a spray tan! lol

  7. That is the most hilarious post I have ever read. And I’m a comedy writer so it’s rare that I’m “Gah-fawing” out loud. Some spittle hit my computer screen!

  8. When I lived in The South my 20 something niece came to visit mmy 30 something self and I decided to spring for spray tans for both of us pasty girls. I decided to do the in person one because when you aren’t so slender, the spray booths sometimes miss lines on the sides of your girth.

    I didn’t know they were going to do both of us at once, or that we’d have to strip down to our panties. I now know my niece way better than I ever thought I’d know her.

  9. Wait-you actually went through with it???!!!!!!

    I can understand with the waxing, it’s not like a machine can really do that. So, there’s an expectation that someone will be seeing you in the buff. But tanning is supposed to be a lonely event.

    I completely understand how you felt.

  10. I’ve never had a spray tan. I think it’s cause while I’m okay with people seeing me naked in order to tan my gorgeous hide, I’d have to lift the fat flaps and that seems awkward (and is also sometimes referred to as exercise, and a spray tan booth is not a gym.)

  11. Umm we need to see the results!

    Did she sculp you some abs? Cause that’s the only potential benefit I see for stripping in front of a stranger…

  12. you can’t just post about getting a spray tan then not include any pictures. It’s just not fair.

  13. I’ve done the in person spray tan twice and the booth one once. You get WAY better results in person. I have no modesty anymore – I just get nekkid and lift my boobies UP and bend my knees DOWN and get happy.

  14. Oh yes, I have done this. Except I knew in advance it was done by a person (which I’ve heard is better than the booth). The first time I wore a swimsuit and had the most awful lines humanly possible. So the next time I went sans top and felt just horrible, kept apologizing. She said, “No worries, honey! Most girls don’t even wear bottoms!” Which is just shocking, really, considering all of the Egyptian poses!

  15. I went tanning last week in a regular bed. Usually I go nude, but decided to wear underwear this time. After I got out I was wiping my sweat off and the girl who gave me the room walked in to clean it! I had locked the door, but apparently not shut it all the way, so it looked as though I had left.. Oops!

  16. I would have made a mad dash for the door once she left the room!!!

  17. Um, WOW. I think I would’ve died on the spot. But then again, I am the prudiest of all the prudes. I don’t like de-robing for the gynecologist and swear I’ll never get a wax of any sort.

    Related: I knew nothing of these tattoos. We’ll have to trade stories this weekend

  18. I know a 17 year old who just got hired to do this very job. I cannot even imagine. If she’s uncomfortable with the situation, she can have another person come into the booth as well. So which would be worse — one gorgeous 17 year old or one nervous/gorgeous 17 year old with a pal to stand guard?

  19. hahahaha…that’s all im saying

  20. (giggle)

    You, my dear, are an awesome storyteller!

  21. I just love the way you tell things. I think I would have died right there…on that very spot.

  22. I was in a playgroup and one of the moms gave spray tan as a side job. She would give discounts and the other mothers would have her tan them. Ummm no thank you. I don’t want to have coffee right after you seen my boobies.

  23. Casey:
    This post totally cracked me up. A) you are super tiny…
    so no worries:) BTW- you should take a pic of your tan!

    I had a bad experience in one of those mystic booths…I ended up 1/2 orange and 1/2 white. It was horrible b/c it took several showers to get rid of it.

  24. I was once spray tanned by an actual person. Her name was Mary. The whole time I looked down and noticed that her toenails were gross and looks like candy corns attached to toes. I spend my entire tan time attempting not to vomit. But I looked damn good and half humiliated with I left. So there’s that.

  25. AWKWARD!!! yikes!! so how did it turn out??

  26. How weird is this. I too posted about spray tanning today. My very first one. Sadly, I’m not as hot and immoral as you, and tanned in the privacy of a tanning salon booth.

  27. Hmmm, makes me think I’ll just stick to my pasty white self! With all the rain we’ve been having maybe I won’t even have to worry about summer… it’s not warm enough to wear shorts!

    Oh, and do tell about the tats… I’ve got one that no one ever sees…

  28. Thank goodness I tan easily. Now I’m starting to understand why my sister gets so angry about her beautiful, porcelain, tanless skin.

  29. I definitely feel the need to share my own spray tan disaster that I inflicted on myself days before BlogHer 09. Yup – I was the one with the really, really dark tan. http://workathomemom.typepad.com/the_daily_grind_of_a_work/2009/07/aloha-from-hawaii.html

  30. Oh my. Too funny – I would have felt totally awkward. Then again, I just went and got a real tan on my lunch and ouch, I’m kind of regretting not doing the spray on.

  31. I did this once. It was the night before my wedding and it was totally worth the humiliation because the tan is much MUCH better than the booth sprayers.

    However, I haven’t been back because there’s honeymoon love and then there’s marriage reality. He loves me and my Casper-like skin tone and that’s fine with me.

    P.S. I agree, you are an amazing storyteller!

  32. That is so hilarious! I’m not at all about the nudity in public, no thank you!

  33. I think the key is sticking to one person. I figure after the first time, they know what they’re going to get!

    Beth at Air-Tan in Broad Ripple is amazing. She talks the whole time – intentionally, I think…it’s a helpful distraction.

  34. LOVE it!!!!! Can’t wait to go back and read the others. Your GREAT and it was so nice walking in to EVO seeing a semi familiar face that first night! Hope to catch you more often now!

  35. No amount of pigmentation is worth that. Although, given a choice between a Brazilian and a human-sprayed tan, I’d say spray me.

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