I spent most of the weekend on the verge of tears.

If not on the verge, I was generally in them.

But never from sadness, only tears of joy and appreciation.

I was me this weekend.

You know, the old me.

love. her. (lisa leonard)

I cried because I’ve missed this me so much. I like this me. This me is easy to take out in public.

a view from the front.

I’ve cried because I know this won’t last forever. That I could wake up tomorrow and this me could be taken hostage by the part of my brain I can’t control.

YEE HAW

I’ve cried because for the first time in a long time I was able to look around and see beauty in every. single. thing.

tootsies

Especially the people I am lucky enough to be surrounded by.

moosh, spohr, vdog, flinger, bradshaw, dawn, katie

I have such good people around me. I sometimes feel I don’t deserve to be in the ranks of the friends I have.

being roommates brought us closer.

I have such a good life. I couldn’t even name the ways.

jet set et moi

This weekend I didn’t hide behind my camera. I used it to capture and hopefully hold on the the beauty that engulfed me this weekend, and hopefully I can lock this feeling away somewhere safe in my heart where my brain can’t touch it.

the lovely miss annabel

I’m so scared of when this me is going to go.

low blood sugar made us punchy.

But I can’t live in fear of that moment. I must live in hope of this one, right now. Knowing with all my heart that it will return.

me doing the karen walrond face

Comments

  1. Aaaaaahh, girlfraaaan. I love you.

  2. I’m at the lower end of the downswing now. I read something a few minutes ago from a better time last year and it gave me the same sort of hope. I’m glad you had such a good weekend.

  3. Like I didn’t cry enough at Evo.

    I hope if (okay, when) you are taken hostage again, you can look at these pictures and have a little bit of hope. Yeah, I used hope twice in one sentence…but what else is there?

  4. casey, you make my heart so happy. even though you insist on taking pictures of me when i feel like poo. i had an amazing weekend snuggling your brain. thank you for the room, the cafe rio, the shy feet, the taco-holding, the everything.

    blogher is just around the corner and i will be taking you out on a date in my city. muah. stop crying ya big baby.

  5. um, i love you.

  6. ps. i love how i am like freakin where’s waldo in all of your pictures. if where’s waldo were a smokin hot puerto rican female.

    Casey Reply:

    @alexis @ depressionsandconfessions, I actually laughed so hard I farted at your comment.
    LOF! LOF!

    alexis @ depressionsandconfessions Reply:

    @Casey, and i quote angee: “oh no, did casey eat the beans?”

    Casey Reply:

    @alexis @ depressionsandconfessions, Thankfully I got of it out on the first comment. However Angee did come over to my parents house tonight and eat loads of beans. Including some in a take home bucket.

  7. I’m in this post squeeee!

    My heart felt open all weekend. I threw my arms wide open and held sisters tight.

    I know that shell round my heart is already growing back. Dammit.

  8. simple. beautiful.

    and what the heck about the kiddos having the same name.. I always felt like you were living my life only 10 years earlier version..

    weird.

  9. i don’t know if this is creepy or not, so here goes.
    you have a beautiful soul, happy or sad (hopefully less and less often) you are a lovely amazing human.

    Wish you the best

  10. It was so good to see you.

    FYI, you glowed all weekend.

    And I cried way more than I expected. So many touching stories. So much love.

  11. Another reason I am a bit sad about missing EVO. I would have loved to have met you (so you could school me in the Indy 500…not NASCAR). Love the photos. And I hope the feeling does last a really, really long time.

  12. Hooray for you! Enjoy this moment however long it lasts. Revel in it. Wear it. Radiate it.

    May it continue for a very long time.

  13. Hooray!!! I’m so glad that you got to enjoy yourself.
    It sounded like a great conference–I was following a bit on twitter, and heard more from VDog today. ;D

  14. I love this, I know just what you mean. If I could will you to stay there…

    In other news, you were (literally) in my dreams all night! I can’t remember most of it, but you were there. And happy!

    Steph

  15. Could you and your buddies be any more adorable?

    Answer: No.

    Glad it was such a fun weekend… love the pics!

  16. do I need to come to this conference next year? I think I might.

    hope you brought the happy back. I want a piece.

  17. I’m so happy to see you so happy! LOVE the picture of you with Annie.

    I”m hoping BlogHer will be like this for me. It’ll be very emotional being in NYC, my old home. Can’t wait to make memories with all tha amzing folks there.

  18. What a glorious gift! Days like those are just some of the most wonderful blessings in the world.

  19. Casey, This is exactly* how I felt after Blissdom. Exactly. Especially this part, “I’m so scared of when this me is going to go.” Oh how I know that feeling!

    (*Except the crying part because the medicine I was on at the time prevent me from crying, which kinda sucked but was also kinda awesome at the same time since before that I had been doing an awful lot of crying.)

  20. Casey, I have followed your blog for awhile now. I actually live in Indianapolis. I can relate SO MUCH to what you write about depression. I am in that happy place right now too, and I am SO SCARED that I will have to leave, that my medication will stop working, etc. Thank you for what you share!

  21. Can I just tell you that YOU were one of the highlights of my weekend? It was weird, because I’ve met you once before, but the moment you scared the hell out of me at the hotel, I felt like I’d known you forever.

    And also, let me just say it, you were right. I will never again doubt your wisdom.

  22. It was so good to see YOU this weekend! Even if the happy goes into hiding for a little bit just remember that it isn’t really gone, just taking a little break. Love you hard lady.

  23. Love seeing your smile, Casey! I missed EVO but these photos speak volumes, as they say, and I can tell it was a blast.

  24. It’s a relief to read that you’re feeling good. Your faithful reader (me hahaha) continues to follow you, regardless of where you are in your emotional journey.

  25. Hey Casey, the world just got even smaller. The girl you are kissing above happens to be my new next door neighbor. Who knew? :) Glad you had fun.

  26. blast it all that i couldn’t be with you this weekend. it has been a weekend from hell, and looking at your post, and reading your fun, i am thankful that it was anything but for you! oh i miss you. tears from my computer.

  27. Hey sweetie! It was sooo good to see you again. Thanks for taking me aside to make sure I was doing okay (a few times). I had some of the same feelings this weekend, going from tears to joy to tears again. I felt like myself…and also felt like I need to figure out how to be myself more often. Looking forward to seeing you again in NYC!!

  28. Hi–I started following your blog throug Heather Spohr’s. I noticed your second to the last pic is Alicia (of http://www.yayastuff.net). Her website has been down for quite a while now, and I was wondering, does she have a new address? I loved reading her!!!

  29. I love when those authentic moments peek out and help you remember.

  30. Who knew such classy ladies could make that many fart jokes?

    Bottoms up!

  31. I am so happy for you!!

    Live in the moment girlie…live in the moment!!

  32. I love/hate this post.

    I love it because I’m so happy that you got to be “yourself” this weekend.

    I hate it because I know that feeling of not being yourself way too well and I hate that you and I and anyone else has to feel that way.

    You’re beautiful.

    xoxo

  33. Oh, I’m so glad. This gives me hope that I’ll find some happy moments soon.

  34. it made my heart elated to read this.

  35. So glad you had a great time and felt back to normal. Such a roller coaster, isn’t it all?

  36. I hope you feel this way forever, you deserve it. we all do.

  37. calamityshana says:

    I am always completely stunned when I read your posts about depression. Clearly, you needed this weekend! This weekend and what it stands for and how it helps women is so much of you and your values and your mission. It is so obvious how very much alive you were. I want to ask you, seriously, it’s really like this, that you never know when the bad stuff will come back? You have opened my eyes, Casey.

  38. I know exactly what you mean. Every time my meds and life align and I feel normal and happy, I can’t help but wonder how long until it goes away. I hate that feeling.

  39. You were joy and light and love all.weekend.long. And I loved it. It was so wonderful to see you – such a joy to watch you in your element.

    Your pictures highlight not only the moments you captured of a wonderful weekend, but also the joy YOU were experiencing!

    Can’t wait to see you again. I will expect dancing at BlogHer.

    xoxo

  40. Oh, Casey. I completely get this. Moreso than I would ever want to. I know what it feels like to wait for the other shoe to drop… to spend even the happiest of moments in the shadows of what lies around the corner. Wondering how long it will last and how bad it will be when it’s gone. Wishing things were different, while trying to accept the fact they never will be. Because while depression goes away for a while, it never goes away forever.

    I am so grateful that my world has opened up, to people such as yourself. Living in a small center, I knew no one like me. I felt so alone. So forsaken. So embarrassed and unloved. Then I discovered a whole new world… the blogging world. Where the most amazing people aren’t so different from me after all. They are kind and caring, funny and intelligent. And they (you!) opened my eyes to how wonderful I can be because of who I am, instead of how horrible I thought I was because of what I suffered from.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. And for giving me the hope that if you can be as remarkable as you are… that if you can be an amazing wife and mother… and if you can be so loved by so many equally wonderful people… and still suffer from this than maybe, just maybe, I can too.

  41. I’m so glad that you had such a wonderful weekend and that you felt so good and right while there. These pictures of you are so beautiful and free and REAL.

  42. Glad you found you.

  43. I like you…I like your website and all you write…you make me laugh and cry…mostly laugh…alot…great sense of humor and sense of what other people need to hear…keep em coming! :)

  44. It’s nice to see you in front of the camera, being a goofball again.

  45. This makes me so happy for you. Your face speaks volumes, and beautifully so.

    That last picture of you and Karen? Geez…gorgeous times two!

    xo

  46. I wish I was there to cry. I love crying at these things!

    Yes, I’m strange. But, you knew that.

  47. I am so happy for you. And hopeful. Because if you can do it? Maybe so can I. Maybe.

  48. This makes me so happy for you. Your face speaks volumes, and beautifully so.

    That last picture of you and Karen? Geez…gorgeous times two!

    xo

Trackbacks

  1. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by mooshinindy, Katherine Stone. Katherine Stone said: Hope it continues! RT @mooshinindy: new post. http://bit.ly/bciR7w the happy cry. #evoconf #depression [...]

  2. [...] My spirits were renewed like emotional Viagra from Pfizer. [...]