It’s official.

I dropped her off for her first day of Kindergarten this afternoon.

I am the mom of a school aged child.

I don’t so much mourn the fact that she’s growing up (although it could slow down and I wouldn’t hate it.)

It’s that I am supposed to be hugely pregnant right now.

Addie going to Kindergarten was always the benchmark of pregnancy. Cody would have been out of law school for over a year. We would have health insurance. The surgery and hormone treatments I underwent would do their magic and I’d be walking Addie to the doors of Kindergarten with a huge belly. She’d get to tell her class about her soon to be brother or sister, I’d get to fill out those blank spaces under “other children” in the school registration packet.

everything will be okay

The timing seemed so perfect. I’m supposed to be pregnant right now.

I fantasized about how wonderful it would be to have Addie in Kindergarten for a few hours everyday while I was at home bonding with a new baby. A few blissful hours of uninterrupted new baby time everyday. Then Addie would come home and hang out with us. Then Cody would get home and we’d be a lovely little family.

But I’m not pregnant. Nor do we have health insurance. But Addie is in Kindergarten.

And Addie is enough. She nestles right down into all those empty and broken places in me and fills them perfectly. Sometimes she even leaves a little sticky residue of peanut butter and a glow in the dark silly band lying around.

I love you my little Kindergartener. You were made for this kind of stuff.

photo by Kim Orlandini

You make my life more lovely and complete that I ever could have imagined.

Comments

  1. Stephanie says:

    She is such a beautiful girl. Seriously. Why do they grow up so fast???

    And I like your message. “It’s not the end.”

  2. I love you all. More than words.

  3. (((hugs))) to you today and to Addie too. Happy 1st day of Kindergarten!!

  4. aaaw such a nice post. Squidge is starting FULL time in September!! They start them early (4 y/o) here in England and I am sooo sad. She’s still a baby!!

  5. Mine is starting kindergarten in a few weeks, and I was also supposed to have a baby right now.
    It is what it is.
    Your daughter is beautiful!

  6. Love the saying in the photo. Do something for yourself while she is away those couple of hours. It will do wonders for you and will help pass the time faster.

  7. This didn’t end the way I thought it was going to, which just makes me so very happy. Truly.

    Dude, your kid is almost as cute as mine. It’s remarkably close.

  8. She is the CUTEST. My oldest starts KG this year too and I am a mess about it. How is it possible?

    I love the quote too – so very true. It isn’t the end.

  9. She is going to ROCK Kindergarten!

    I LOVED meeting you in NYC this past weekend! Thanks for the uncomfortably long hug. You are even lovlier than I imagined. xoxo

  10. I love that quote in the mirror – coincidentally it’s written on my bathroom mirror.

    (Is that an incorrect use of coincidentally?)

    Congrats on the first day!!

  11. I have three sons – the oldest is 28 and the youngest is 19. I can remember the first day of kindergarten for each of them like it was yesterday. Even so, they represent my only regret – that those days are now so long ago. Memorize, Casey. Burn it in so that it stays fresh and vivid. She will always be Addie – but she will change daily. Memorize her.

  12. Dude, Addie is TOTES going to pwn Kindergarten.

    Also, I’m right there with you in the Land of “WTF, Benchmarks?!” Except you wouldn’t say “WTF” cuz you don’t tend to swear.

  13. ((hugs)) addie is going to knock their socks off in kindergarten. such a cutie!! and you, mama, are magnificent. love your “it’s not the end” message and should read that myself daily. as for the infertility thing…ugh. i’m so sorry. everyone assumed we were ‘done’ when we had our triplets. nope. we’re ‘done’ because my body (and now our bank account) is broken. and it sucks. still. don’t know when i’ll ever be able to be purely happy for someone else who is pregnant…without this little bite of OUCH in the bottom of my wounded heart and useless uterus.

    hang in there. you’re amazing.

  14. Love and hugs and hope.

  15. Amy in StL says:

    Awww, you’re an awesome writer! I don’t have kids and generally find the stickiness that accompanies them a little oogy. But you made the sticky residue part sound charming and stuff. Wow.

  16. Addie gets prettier every time you post a picture. Seriously.

    Like you, I thought by the time I had a kindergartener that our family would be bigger and things would be different. I wasn’t pregnant, we didn’t have a baby and things weren’t at all as I expected. But, things turned out fine in the end. I hope the same for you, too.

  17. I love your posts about being a mother. You are amazing! We start preschool here in a few weeks. They grow up so fast!

  18. You are living my hugest biggest fear. I’m fortunate enough to have one more year of preschool with Alyssa, but I keep thinking about the day I send her off to k-town and I’m all alone. Thanks for sharing that picture… it’s definitely not the end. :)

  19. I love your 5-year-old’s curls more than my own. :-) I can never get mine to look that good!!

    Seriously though, she seems like she’s got so much personality that she really does perfectly fill all those little nooks and crannies. Kids are absolutely amazing.

  20. quality over quantity. You’ve won this race hands down.

    She is who she is because of you, and she’s lovely.

  21. I’ve been going through that lately…like driving around the gorgeous neighborhood next to my parents’ house and fantasizing of living in IN again, surrounded by the comfort of friends and family. This way, when I get (got) diagnosed with “atypical depression” after being poked, prodded, needled, and examined for more than six months I’d have just a few more people to lean on. But that’s behind us now, and while I still long for all things Indiana (’cause sorry IL, you just don’t have great fairs…I should know, I worked at the Indiana State Fair eleven consecutive years), I am comfortable. At home. Hangin’ with my children. Kissin’ on them and my husband. Home is truly where my heart is right now. And that home is in IL.

  22. lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove you
    LOVE your big grown up kindergodener xoxoxoxo

    That quote. ROCKS!!!

  23. Awww, what a sweet post. I experienced that day last year. Somehow though, I think the last day was harder. Not because she was older but because the daily stream of great stories was ending and the transformation that took place during. This will be a wonderful school year. Savor and soak up every possible moment.

  24. I have said it before, but I must say it again, She is one of the most beautiful children I have ever seen. And that darling smile makes me know that she is just as beautiful on the inside :)
    Just like her mama.

  25. Beautiful photo and beautiful quote. Love them both.

  26. she is beautiful. you are beautiful. i am so glad i know that first hand now.

  27. Love you honey. Your babygirl is beautiful, even if she’s not so much of a baby anymore…

  28. Kindergarten already???????? We don’t start here for another 3 weeks (that week right after Labor Day). It’s all coming way too quickly.

    I’m so sorry that your now is not all that you’d wished it to be. But I’m so happy you can see the beauty in what is.

  29. I understand this story. I understand it because it is a little bit like my own. My oldest was five when his brother was born (so many tears and so much heartache happened during those in between years). My middle one was almost five when his sister came along (another long wait filled with so much disappointment). I never thought we would have number two. A third seemed like an impossible dream. It was very, very hard. Sending my one and only off to school was very hard. Letting go of my dream and my plan was very hard. I remember. Thinking of you.

  30. What a great post. I love that Addie girl and I hope that she loves Kindergarten.

  31. I remember feeling the same way. and then we adopted our little guy and those feelings left me. You know, I use to stress about their age difference, but now I love it! I wouldn’t want it any other way.

    Your little Addie is adorable and will rule her class, I just know it!

  32. *hugs*

    I really like that quote. You never know what might happen, though, so don’t give up hope.

  33. I hope that your kindergarten girl will have a good future someday. I love people who always smile. I like your child. :D

  34. She is so adorable. I know much it aches to have these dreams and have them be far away.