Addie will almost be six and a half.
Cody and I will have been married a decade.
It has been almost a year since I became at peace with it never happening again.
I’ve become that story I hated so much “Well I know this girl who tried for five years, she finally gave up and it happened.”
I know the physical ache that this has caused some of you to feel. Oh, how I know. And I hate that I caused it.
I’m no longer allowed to sit with the infertiles, even though I was a spokesperson and card carrying member for years. However I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to take my place on the other side either…I’m listening too closely for the shoe to drop.
Turns out that getting pregnant after so long comes with a whole new deluge of emotions. Ones I didn’t see coming. Ones even fewer people understand, let alone talk about.
Ones I’m in therapy for.
I’m done choking on all these emotions silently. Because I know if I’m choking? There’s hundreds more of you out there choking as well. I don’t want anyone to feel alone, I hate feeling alone. And if I have to be the first one to say it? Then so be it.
I am finally pregnant after almost five years of secondary infertility, and I’m scared.
I also know somewhere deep down inside there’s a reason people keep having babies and there’s a reason people get so excited at the announcement of a new pregnancy.
I’m going to have to go off that knowledge, and off your excitement until I’m there too.