I think something is wrong.

Logic and the many people surrounding me tell me otherwise.

I am only one entity while the logic and people surrounding me are countless.

Who to believe?

I know who I want to believe, but I also know I’m the only one living in my body.

Logic says I have entered that mythical second trimester where the crippling symptoms of early pregnancy are magically lessened and I can actually begin enjoying myself without the constant need of a bucket and antiemetic drugs.

My body says otherwise. Or is that my brain saying otherwise?

I had this overwhelming feeling a week after my positive pregnancy test (okay, seven positive pregnancy tests) that there were only three ways this pregnancy could end, miscarriage, stillbirth or a baby. All of them come with their own pains and difficulties and there is no way to escape emotionally unscathed.

I have already begun to develop a shell around my heart. I haven’t heard a heartbeat, seen the flickering of life on an ultrasound screen or felt the tiny little bubbles of a baby moving inside of me. There is an odd comfort in this. Maybe I can trick myself into believing it was just the stomach flu and some serious bloat if something does go wrong.

15 weeks.

Or maybe this really is that second trimester myth coming true. Maybe there was no need to verbally berate my pregnancy app for asking me if I felt better two weeks ago. Maybe I am going to gain weight this time, maybe my ankles are going to swell and I am going to become the beached whale of pregnancy lore.

If I were to say the previous 276 words out loud right now they would be met with “I’m sure you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong, this is what is supposed to happen.” Chances are I wouldn’t even be able to get past the first 5 words before I was being comforted and cajoled with stories of other pregnancies that ceased with the sickness at 15 weeks and ended babies at 40, as if there’s no need to acknowledge all that can and quite often does go wrong.

I know I’m not alone in these fears and feelings. Whether it’s seeing my friends lose babies they wanted so badly, the residual anxiety of finally becoming pregnant after so long or just plain old worry, I actually have a visceral need to say them out loud without being cut short by optimism.

Don’t get me wrong, I love optimism, but I don’t love keeping my feelings to myself simply because they sound silly, ridiculous or illogical.

Comments

  1. Christina says:

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and that little bun everyday. Did you know that you can rent or buy a fetal heart dopler for really cheap? I was just thinking that if you could hear the heartbeat it could put you at ease? Praying for health and happiness and that you get to hear that little thump thump soon.

  2. I’ve never been where you’ve been. I’ve never walked your road or cried your tears.

    But, I’ve felt that feeling. I know that fear and I’ve spoken those same words at that same time.

    I can do nothing more than send you love, let you know you’re in my daily prayers and send you hugs from so very very far away.

    Always.

  3. I have never been pregnant, but as someone who is pre-wired to always fear the worst, I can sympathize with you and hope with all my heart that your fears have no truth to them.

  4. Bless your heart, little one. You look so cute with your baby bump. As others said, your feelings are your feelings. They’re legitimate because they’re yours. I hope you’re wrong. xoxo.

  5. Here I sit, 37 weeks pregnant – STILL checking for spots.

    I think waiting for “the other shoe to drop” is totally normal.

    On the same note, positivity can frustrate (is that the right word?) me too. So you think everything is ok random friend? Why? What is your scientific proof? Let me FEEL scared and negative – because then, if something IS wrong, I was prepared for it.

  6. First off, you are super cute pregnant! Secondly, you’re obviously not alone in these kinds of feelings. All I can say is that I’m sending prayers for a happy & healthy 9 months to you!

  7. Looking good from that photo though, coming along nicely

  8. You look beautiful. I hope with all my heart that this is just the norm.

  9. I spent two pregnancies feeling exactly the way you are describing. You are not alone. I know it is hard to quiet the anxiety. I hope you can kick that fear in the ass, though.

  10. You know, if you keep making me cry I’m going to have to stop reading your blog (okay I’m totally lying). I know the worry. Believe me, I know the worry.
    I’ll never tell you not to worry, but I do hope that you enjoy your pregnancy. Don’t let the worry overshadow the beauty and joy of what is happening right now.
    Oh, and my husband is the champion worrier. He didn’t tell his coworkers I was pregnant with V until he had to leave work because I was in delivery.

  11. I have given up feeling guilty about worrying. Pregnancy terrifies me and that’s that. I promise to never regret it either. I. Can’t. Help. It.